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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to keep our dog away from us on Christmas Day?

643 replies

Buddytheboxer · 03/12/2023 18:28

We have a 4 year old Boxer dog who is very much part of our family. We don’t have children yet and both WFH so he is with us all the time. He’s lovely and absolutely no bother, everyone loves him.

We are hosting Christmas Day this year, both sets of parents, my sister and her partner and DH’s brother and his girlfriend.

DH’s brother and gf recently moved back to the UK after living in Australia for the last 10 years so we haven’t seen them in person for a long time, but have FaceTimed and WhatsApped regularly. Earlier today he messaged me (not sure why me and not DH or both of us) and asked if our dog could stay with friends over Christmas, or if we could book him in at a kennels, as his gf is wary of dogs. They are supposed to be staying with us for 3 nights. They have seen our dog loads of times via FaceTime, they address Christmas cards to us and the dog etc and have never mentioned this wariness.

I’m swinging between feeling a bit miffed at the request but also not wanting her to feel nervous or uncomfortable, I like her and was looking forward to seeing them after so long. However there is no way I could send our dog away at Christmas. He’s not ‘just a dog’ we adore him and he is our family.

I haven’t had chance to speak to DH yet as he’s travelling home from a work trip and won’t be home until late. I haven’t replied to the message yet as I really don’t know what to say, it’s a bit of a lose lose situation:

a) If we don’t send our dog away BIL and gf might decide not to come which would be a shame, especially for DH and his parents. It would seem that we are putting our dog before BIL and gf which I guess we would be, but as I said he is our family.

b) If we do find somewhere for him to go (unlikely, as everyone who would normally dog sit on the rare occasions we’ve needed it will be at ours, and he’s never been in kennels so I definitely wouldn’t do that) it doesn’t feel right for him not to be with us over Christmas, it’s unfair on him and us, and a very big ask for anyone to look after a dog over Christmas.

c) If they accept we can’t send him away and still come, I’ll be on tenterhooks the whole time worrying that she is feeling uncomfortable and trying to make sure he stays out of her way (he is not a nuisance dog, he loves a fuss but isn’t ‘in your face’) it won’t be a relaxing time.

I feel like this request has really put a downer on things. AIBU to not want our dog to be sent away to accommodate BIL’s gf’s ‘wariness’?

OP posts:
Homesweethome23 · 04/12/2023 07:37

If you did decide to try and find a kennel to take your dog you would be extremely lucky to find one at such short notice, big holidays get booked up months in advance at any good kennels. Also as much as friends love my dogs I would never burden them by asking them to have my dog over the Christmas period. Don’t put any friends in an awkward position.

I would feel the same as you also, my dog would not be going anywhere over Christmas they stay with me and enjoy the festivities.

Janiie · 04/12/2023 08:05

'It doesn’t work like that. Dogs are as irreplaceable as children, no two are the same. And everyone who has dogs has The One that captures their heart like no other.'

This is such an offensive thing to say for those who have lost dc.

Dogs are very loved, most of us here have got one and probably have lost one in the past. Yes they all have their quirks, some more easily trained than others but they are absolutely replaceable. Unlike children.

You have a dog for 12 yrs maybe longer, they die everyone is devastated for a few weeks then you get another. You cannot do that with dc.

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 08:10

This is such an offensive thing to say for those who have lost dc.

It’s nothing of the sort, don’t be ridiculous. You might see a dog as replaceable and think they’re interchangeable but most people who love their dogs certainly don’t.

Janiie · 04/12/2023 08:16

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 08:10

This is such an offensive thing to say for those who have lost dc.

It’s nothing of the sort, don’t be ridiculous. You might see a dog as replaceable and think they’re interchangeable but most people who love their dogs certainly don’t.

If you lose a dc you cannot go and buy another so dogs are certainly not as irreplaceable as children.

I've always had dogs but I cannot stand this weird thing that folk say they're family, no they're pets. Family members come first. Unless of course someone doesn't have dc, are nc wirh family, dont see anyone else. These are the sort that probably call their pets their babies and sign their names on Christmas cards.

It's fine everyone to their own etc but when actual people are visiting the pets need to stop being babified and centre stage.

Notonthestairs · 04/12/2023 08:23

Rgeardless of your feelings it is ridiculous to wait until 3 weeks before Christmas to request the dogs be rehoused for 3 nights. We have to plan months ahead to arrange overnight care.

lemmein · 04/12/2023 08:24

I'm not even a massive dog lover but would never agree to this. My home is my dogs home. I couldn't be doing with the faff and expense of relocating her and would feel guilty knowing she'd likely be unsettled.

Cheeky of them to ask!

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 04/12/2023 08:25

Bit late in the day to mention this. Say no but if they choose to stay anyway then ensure the person can retreat to a dog free area if needed. Presumably your dog is trained and doesn't jump all over people.

madeinmanc · 04/12/2023 08:27

he is our family

No, your human relatives are your family. He's a dog. People in this country have got the most bizarre, crazy attitude to dogs.

Get a baby gate and keep the dog separate but in view as a compromise.

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 04/12/2023 08:31

It's just a dog and it has no concept of Christmas. Of course it should go into kennels to make a guest feel more comfortable.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 04/12/2023 08:32

ProvisionsOnTheDock · 04/12/2023 08:31

It's just a dog and it has no concept of Christmas. Of course it should go into kennels to make a guest feel more comfortable.

No, it shouldn't

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/12/2023 08:35

@Janiie, anyone who thinks that a few weeks after a much loved dog dies ‘you just go and get another’ simply doesn’t understand how a lot of people feel about their dogs.
I’ve known people who don’t like dogs, or who are indifferent to them, say, ‘Well, you can always get another,’ as if we’d had the TV nicked or something.
Just not a bloody clue.

I’m not saying it’s on a par with losing a child, but it’s often a huge grief, just the same.

Notonthestairs · 04/12/2023 08:36

To be honest I think by leaving it this late to make expensive stipulations I'd rather assume the girlfriend has cold feet about coming for Christmas and is looking for an excuse to pull out.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/12/2023 08:44

Buddytheboxer · 03/12/2023 19:03

Thank you for the replies, I hadn’t thought of the option of them staying elsewhere and just visiting. I will discuss with DH and the reply can come from him!

He is not ‘just a dog’ to us, and it is his home, I won’t be sending him anywhere - not that there is anywhere he could realistically go as everyone is at ours and kennels are out of the question. I love Christmas with him, he has his own stocking and probably more presents than us 😂

Obviously I do want everyone to feel happy and have a good time, and not be worried that someone feels uncomfortable. He knows both sets of parents and my sister really well so between us all I am sure we can make sure he stays out of BIL’s gfs way. He will probably take himself off to chill once the greetings are out of the way. Obviously if they stay for 3 days as planned it’ll be a bit trickier so I’m definitely leaning towards the hope that they stay elsewhere and visit.

Its almost certainly too late to get decent kennels or a decent airbnb at this stage for the three days over Christmas. However if you did find a kennel option for part of the time you can do dog presents after they have gone - I've never had a dog which could read a calendar.

Its a big deal for someone who is scared of dogs/cats to stay in a house with animals. If you choose to prioritise the pet over the human family, especially family you haven't seen for ten years then you need to be prepared for the fall out from that.

Janiie · 04/12/2023 08:45

'I’m not saying it’s on a par with losing a child, but it’s often a huge grief, just the same'

Oh I agree it is hugely upsetting I was shocked how floored I was when one of ours died. I cried and cried for days missing their presence, their company. My issue is with a pp who says they are as irreplaceable as dc. They aren't! Our latest may behave differently to her predecessor but basically we take her for walks and she snuggles on the sofa as all dogs do.

Sholkedabemus · 04/12/2023 08:53

C8H10N4O2 · 04/12/2023 08:44

Its almost certainly too late to get decent kennels or a decent airbnb at this stage for the three days over Christmas. However if you did find a kennel option for part of the time you can do dog presents after they have gone - I've never had a dog which could read a calendar.

Its a big deal for someone who is scared of dogs/cats to stay in a house with animals. If you choose to prioritise the pet over the human family, especially family you haven't seen for ten years then you need to be prepared for the fall out from that.

Show quote history

Leaving it this late is on the visitors, not the @Buddytheboxer . I’m with team boxer on this one. Their pet is family. 🐾❤️

Zebedee55 · 04/12/2023 08:57

Janiie · 04/12/2023 08:05

'It doesn’t work like that. Dogs are as irreplaceable as children, no two are the same. And everyone who has dogs has The One that captures their heart like no other.'

This is such an offensive thing to say for those who have lost dc.

Dogs are very loved, most of us here have got one and probably have lost one in the past. Yes they all have their quirks, some more easily trained than others but they are absolutely replaceable. Unlike children.

You have a dog for 12 yrs maybe longer, they die everyone is devastated for a few weeks then you get another. You cannot do that with dc.

Yes. A the loss of a pet and the loss of a child are totally non comparable. Offensive to those who have lost a child.🙁

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 09:01

Zebedee55 · 04/12/2023 08:57

Yes. A the loss of a pet and the loss of a child are totally non comparable. Offensive to those who have lost a child.🙁

Edited
Show quote history

Nobody said they are comparable. Try reading what I actually said and not what you and your friend are so desperate to be offended by.

mydogisthebest · 04/12/2023 09:02

Janiie · 04/12/2023 08:05

'It doesn’t work like that. Dogs are as irreplaceable as children, no two are the same. And everyone who has dogs has The One that captures their heart like no other.'

This is such an offensive thing to say for those who have lost dc.

Dogs are very loved, most of us here have got one and probably have lost one in the past. Yes they all have their quirks, some more easily trained than others but they are absolutely replaceable. Unlike children.

You have a dog for 12 yrs maybe longer, they die everyone is devastated for a few weeks then you get another. You cannot do that with dc.

Lots of people are devastated for far longer than a few weeks.

Justleaveitblankthen · 04/12/2023 09:13

Not on your bloody life would I remove my dog from it's home to accommodate the last minute whims of a person I have never even met. Or anyone else for that matter 🤨
How rude of them to even ask, knowing full well your dog is a much loved family member.
It would put me off them.. and yes, why ask you and not his own brother?

Maddy70 · 04/12/2023 09:16

Just say you can't send him away but you'll try to keep him I'm a separate room but obviously it's his home and he will be there if they would prefer to stay nearby these are the local hotels and air b n bs. We would be able to keep him separate for short periods while they visited?

Towerofsong · 04/12/2023 09:18

Send a message saying you'll talk to DH and get back to them

Then let DH handle it. I am not a huge dog person but basically, if I go to stay at someone's house who has a dog I accept the dog lives there. I would expect to be able to keep the dog out of the room I'm sleeping in, but that's about it. If I had a problem with that, I would stay somewhere nearby

As a PP said, they could do that and you can offer to keep the dog in another room for a couple of hours at a time while they visit.

You should not be incurring kennels costs.

Original poster
Buddytheboxer · 04/12/2023 09:24

This is created quite the debate, I am glad to hear from so many people that feel the same way I do.

DH is going to speak to his brother today and make a few suggestions to try and come up with a solution. Buddy (our dog) is really well trained and well behaved, doesn’t jump up and has his own sofa so doesn’t go on our other furniture. He obeys the ‘to your bed’ command when we are eating so he doesn’t pester at the table. I am sure I can borrow a gate from a friend to ensure he is contained at times. I would of course do my best to make sure BIL’s girlfriend is not uncomfortable, I’m
not a monster! I just don’t want to banish our much loved dog from his own home at Christmas (it isn’t even a realistic option so a moot point really).

I chatted to my mum about it while waiting
for DH to arrive home and she has offered an option of BIL and his girlfriend staying at their house on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day (just coming to ours during the day). My PIL are also staying at their house on those nights so it shouldn’t be too weird for them. My parents would stay at ours on those nights. On Boxing Day, they could have Buddy for the day/night at theirs and BIL and gf could stay at ours. I’m sure my dad would go along with this This seems like a good solution if they go for it and would save them £££ on staying at a hotel/Airbnb.

OP posts:
Ronaldoronalda · 04/12/2023 09:31

Your house and your dog so I’d say they are being unreasonable. However my daughter was a bit nervous of dogs yet managing fine when we agreed to visit a house with a dog that ‘everyone loved’ and years later I still regret letting her into their house. It went horribly wrong and has left her with a phobia of dogs that has not been fixed by therapy etc. My experience is that when people think everyone loves their dog then they don’t really get that there is an issue. You talk about greetings. How does your dog greet people?

hydriotaphia · 04/12/2023 09:37

Personally I would put in kennels as I would always put my family before pets. However, if it's not what you want to do then I would explain this well in advance and give some thoughts to what other accommodations you can make - eg keeping in a different part of the house over the holidays perhaps? Then you can explain this and your ILs can make their own decision about whether or not they want to come.

Kpcs · 04/12/2023 09:46

That is a very unreasonable request from them. I would get DH to tell his brother that the fog will be at home all Christmas. If they need to change the accommodation plans (at their own expense as sending him to kennels would have cost you money)that’s up to them.

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