To kick dh out after he invited an 18 yr old girl to our house last night and sha""ed her in my bed while I was on a night shift?

[totaleclipse]

Of course he says he only nearly did, but changed his mind at the last minute......yeah yeah whatever!!!!!!

I think a drunken one night stand is worse than a fling where he had feelings for someone actually.
And staying together for the children doesn't make anyone happy

So sorry you're going through this and very on your behalf

I agree with MrsR - good riddance to bad rubbish.

Hope you're ok.

well we will have to agree to differ on that one!

I think to commit yourself emotionally to someone else over a period of time is far more of a betrayal than a quick fumble

But of course that is just my opinioN!

Huge sympathies, TotalEclipse. A horrible, horrible thing to happen.

Yes, agree to disagree CD
And good luck TE with moving on with your life-
sounds like you don't have much feeling left for him tbh

How are you this evening TE?

Was it your step father saying he has a temper? Was that because he wants to give your husband a smack for what he has done?

Was it your step father saying he has a temper? Was that because he wants to give your husband a smack for what he has done?

TE - I have been thinking of the terrible situation you're in. Of course you feel disgusted and angry with dh. Many women in your position would divorce and you may even have enough evidence for grounds of adultery. But many people of both sexes regret divorce after the event. You would be a single parent; divorce is nearly always financially crippling (unless exh was a net financial drain while married, eg gambler)and he would remain your dc's father so contact would have to be maintained.

It is probably too soon for you to think about forgiving him, but maybe in time you might be able. In your position I would insist he takes an AIDS test before ever sleeping with him again - if only just to impress on him what a risk he took on behalf of your whole family. The fact that he used a condom is a tiny thing in his favour. The fact that he's begging to come back is another. It's clear he does care. And so do you or you wouldn't be so upset.

Finally, if he is working during the day and you are working nights, well that isn't the best thing for a marriage, is it? It does set the scene for temptation. Perhaps you could get debt counselling and make some changes in your life. Perhaps you could contact Relate and make attending sessions with you a condition of accepting him back.

I know you won't want to have heard a lot of this, and really I am not making excuses for him. I would probably be thinking of murder not divorce in your shoes ....[just kidding! Put that rat poison back in the shed!]

EW:

So by her working nights she sets the scene for his betrayal?

I think if he wanted to shag the 18yr old, he would have found a way whether TE worked nights or not.

I do think you have a lot of very good points, but maybe there's a reason TE was working nights & doesn't need to place any more blame on herself...

My dh works nigts for a week every month... I, however do not find myself looking for someone to jump into bed with!

Oh hell TE.

You are undoubtedly in total shock.
Yes ask him to leave if you haven't already.

what you do in teh long term will need much consideration but for now at least, you need time away from himto get your head together.

EW no working at different times must have been difficult but that is no excuse to sleep with someone else. I am sure you did not intend for it to sound like that.

I am not saying that the circs are an excuse for his behaviour, just that they contributed to the temptation.

Personally, I can resist anything except temptation.

Let me reiterate that his behaviour was completely out of order, and TE has a right to expect better from him.

It might not be your temptation to jump into bed with some one else, Wall of Silence, but I am reluctant to cast the first stone at TE's dh. Or even the 38th stone.

And I agree with Mamazon about kicking him out in the short term. Just don't burn your boats, that's all I was saying.

Bethoo: I hope your friend was arrested and charged with assault, if not sent to prison for shaving the other woman's head. Only morons think that sexual jealousy excuses violence and criminal damage, it doesn't.

Agree with Madamez. The 18 yo is no doubt no better than she should be, but the real issue is between the dh and TE.

i am totally speechless at his arrogance and lack of consideration towards you and your children

i cant imagine what you must be feeling but i definitely think he needs to move out at least temporarily

how dare he

i'm sorry to hear this

Hello totaleclipse, I hope you are ok.
I just wanted you to know that I have had a very similar experience with an ex and that you are not alone.
I was away on a course with work, a new job. Ex lived with me in my house. Everything there was mine. I came home for weekends from the course, but it was for 9 weeks, so he had much opportunity to do as he pleased.
I came back on a Friday night, the last day of the course and we went up to bed. I saw make up on my pillow, which was quite hard to see as it was a busy pattern, but I told him what I could see. He denied it of course, even swearing on his daughters life-despicable! I naturally then checked the sheets and found marks, which he still had nothing to say about, so I dropped the subject...
The following Monday night after I'd finished work(he was still at work), I was in bed watching a bit of TV when the phone rang. It was HER telling me that my boyfriend was seeing someone else. I really felt awful, but she was confirming my suspicions, so I held the mouth piece away from my mouth so she couldn't hear my breathing which was rapid and shakey...I asked her questions and she eventually gave up that it was her. She too was only a young girl...She described my bedroom, bathroom etc. I was mad as hell, but stayed calm to her...I managed to record a lot of the conversation and when he came home, I told him there was a message on the phone for him. He pressed play and I watched the colour drain from his face. He immediately said that he'd leave, but I got him to stay for a couple of months, mainly because if he'd gone then, I'd have been knackered financially, even though he paid very little toward the household, I'd just started a new job and was on emergency tax etc, so I knew I needed to have him there a while longer. I made him buy me new sheets for my bed.
We had a fantastic sex life, so he had no excuse for doing what he did.
When I did chuck him out, I literally told him that morning, gave him no notice...I didn't want him to be prepared in any way. He went. Stupid me though...I kept seeing him and I ended up pregnant. I don't regret my son, but I should've been able to break it off cleanly.

It does get easier...your heart does heal. We learn lessons I believe, from every relationship throughout our lives, so take heart and be strong for you and your babies.xx

Hi, I am fine, have told him its over and he took it quite well, he is still denying it despite her saying it happened and his best mate saying h had told him it happened, just want to put it all behind me now and move on as fast as I can, we have said we will try to remain friends and not make things difficult for each other with regards to the children.
thanks all

Oh TE, i'm sorry it turned out to be the worst scenario
Hope you can get some closure and be happy in the future.
x

Thanks, I will be fine, made of tough stuff me

Blimey, Have just read your thread. Sorry to hear about your breakup. I do hope you continue to remain strong and positive you sound like a tough cookie though!

Chidren always manage to lighten your day slightly, H popped in to see kids, he admitted to still seeing this girl, after he had gone I had a little cry and dt1 (4) came u to me and this was the conversation......

dt1 - aww mummy are you cross?
me - No sweetheart, I am just a little bit sad.
dt1 - Oh, because you've got a sore bum?

Madamez - no she was not arrested, how could someone be arrested for cutting someones hair? that is why she did it as she could not be charged for it.