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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
tachetastic · 02/12/2023 23:18

appalledandtired · 02/12/2023 23:14

Just order in a massive Waitrose delivery and tell them it's their Christmas present to say thank you for having them

I'm with this,

ilovesooty · 02/12/2023 23:19

Wellhellooooodear · 02/12/2023 23:15

Oh your one of those tell it how it is, fuck everyone's feelings people. Nothing wrong with a white lie now and again to avoid looking like a total cow.

Show quote history

It isn't a white lie to pretend to have covid. It's an outright lie. However I don't think it's necessary to go as far as telling someone they're a shit host.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/12/2023 23:19

I’d have a huge Christmas dinner before going, take leftover meat to reheat and do all the veg and trimmings including gravy and let them have their miserable roast.

FlyingMonkeyNever · 02/12/2023 23:20

Tell them you’ll be having Christmas dinner at your own home, as you like a full meal, and a reasonable amount of desserts and treats. Invite them to join you suggesting they can bring whatever they’d like to drink.

Keeping the peace will mean you having yet another miserable time cold and hangry. Get a backbone. What does your DH think?

JamieKnows · 02/12/2023 23:20

"Take snacks to munch in bedroom, hot water bottle, a throw/wrap to wear"

You think that's a good way to spend Christmas? Fucking hell, just tell them.

Hiding in the bedroom under a wrap 😂😂

tara66 · 02/12/2023 23:21

Send her a few Xmas cook books as early present with luscious pictures of food and ask what will she pick for starters this year as you always do a multi choice yourself but you probably will go for best quality smoked salmon ( M+S of course) ; then ask will she have goose, your favourite if she's asking, as you had ham and turkey last year and let her know she may in fact need at least two geese because they are big boned etc.
Also inform her that you need 25degree heating 24/7 because of a new complex health condition etc - hopefully she may try to put you off!

NonPlayerCharacter · 02/12/2023 23:21

Go because it isn't fair on your husband to cause trouble, but bring plenty of food and don't let them dictate that you can't have it.

BrimfulOfMash · 02/12/2023 23:22

What does your DH think?

Get him to carry in a bag of goodies, and then just share and eat them in and around the grim dinner.

Put canapés in the fridge / cupboard, and then share them. Ditto cheese after dinner (‘oooh, your port will go nicely with this, ILs’), and nice chocs. Take clementines and dates to counter the lack of veg.

And go for shorter time.

You might find that 5 years on they are less able to take on cooking a big meal, and will let you help.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 02/12/2023 23:22

I would not want to go there for xmas. But if I were to go anyways, I think what I would bring a lot of food perishable food so they cannot store it away.

Wheelz46 · 02/12/2023 23:23

@Kiwilime Does preferring to be at home for Christmas make you old before your time? 😳 I love spending Christmas at home, family is welcome of course and we would put on some great food but I much prefer to be sat at my own table for Christmas lunch.

I am not that old but didn't realise, I might be old before my time with my Christmas preferences 😆

Nanalisa60 · 02/12/2023 23:25

Sorry I can’t come I have Covid

Nochocolateuntilchristmas · 02/12/2023 23:25

I'd just take your own cheese board/chocolate/cooked ham etc. eat it in front of them! Maybe they'll get the message then

MorrisZapp · 02/12/2023 23:26

Weird how the parents of men are the ones with such miserly domestic habits, and the men don't seem to notice. Wonder if any of the MN christmas freezing/starving in laws ever have other kids, particularly daughters?

LongLostTeacher · 02/12/2023 23:27

If you’re going because your DH wants the peace to be kept, he needs to step up and be pretty frank with them about the types and amount of food that would make you two happy. He can reiterate you are bringing some and just bring it regardless of what they say. I’d say if DH doesn’t care enough to do that then you don’t need to go.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 23:28

LongLostTeacher · 02/12/2023 23:27

If you’re going because your DH wants the peace to be kept, he needs to step up and be pretty frank with them about the types and amount of food that would make you two happy. He can reiterate you are bringing some and just bring it regardless of what they say. I’d say if DH doesn’t care enough to do that then you don’t need to go.

This.

Take whatever you and your family like. MIL can lump it. Or don't go.

VelvetandLace · 02/12/2023 23:29

Definitely don’t go for 4 days
Option 1. Take and cook Xmas dinner as per your suggestion.
Option 2. Have your Xmas dinner on the 24th, and take left overs to theirs as per PP
Option 3 Just dash over for the day, then have your nice food at yours on Boxing Day, or a different day altogether.
Option 4 Don’t sweat, it’s just a day, pack a picnic feast to tuck into at bedtime.

MelsMoneyTree · 02/12/2023 23:30

You can't take over their kitchen and make your own food. If you feel you have to go then just have two Christmases - rubbish one with them where you get drunk and focus on the company rather than the food. And a lovely one at home with your DH (either on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day) where you make all the food you want and enjoy.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/12/2023 23:31

LongLostTeacher · 02/12/2023 23:27

If you’re going because your DH wants the peace to be kept, he needs to step up and be pretty frank with them about the types and amount of food that would make you two happy. He can reiterate you are bringing some and just bring it regardless of what they say. I’d say if DH doesn’t care enough to do that then you don’t need to go.

OP has been stubbornly ignoring questions about what her OH has to say on the matter. Strange.

To my mind he is key to helping her make decisions about it all.

Topsyturvy78 · 02/12/2023 23:32

What if you said we will come as long as we can bring the food they don't want to eat. They don't have to eat it after all. It's your Christmas as well as theirs.

LovePoppy · 02/12/2023 23:32

Why are you ruining your own Christmas?

LeggyLegsEleven · 02/12/2023 23:33

Why 4 days? I’d be making some other commitments up to reduce that down?

A cool box is a great idea, if it’s really cold there then with a couple of ice packs it will work for a few days (you can sneak one in the freezer and swop it even better).

tachetastic · 02/12/2023 23:35

If you agree to basic things like the time when lunch is served, I reckon your DH/their DS should be able to make it clear that the quantity of food needs to be what makes everyone happy, not only the hosts.

You can't just turn up and start cooking extra food in your MIL's kitchen, but your DH does have the ability to go in first and explain why this is important to him and his family.

totallyfedup · 02/12/2023 23:36

This sounds horrific I just wouldn’t be going and neither would my DH as he loves Christmas dinner and loves his food. I would also refuse to be cold as well.

Ive actually never been invited anywhere for Christmas dinner, Boxing day dinner or any dinner by family despite us hosting at least Boxing Day every year. When MIL was alive, she SIL, and two Dnieces would come to us every Boxing Day. We never got a reciprocal invite.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 23:37

MelsMoneyTree · 02/12/2023 23:30

You can't take over their kitchen and make your own food. If you feel you have to go then just have two Christmases - rubbish one with them where you get drunk and focus on the company rather than the food. And a lovely one at home with your DH (either on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day) where you make all the food you want and enjoy.

Why not?

It's less rude than inviting people for Christmas and then serving up crap.

EsmereldaTheThird · 02/12/2023 23:37

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:26

I've avoided going for about 5 years now (thank you Covid) but I sort of need to go to keep the peace!

You don’t need to go to keep the peace though. Yes people have different ideas about Christmas but being cold and hungry isn’t exactly a pleasant time is it? If they have money, can afford to heat their house and are declining you bringing decent food for the table tell them why you’re not going. My aunt was like this and I got so sick of it I told her why I wasn’t coming. It was one day of the year and there was no way my children nor I were going to be miserable to appease anyone else. If they want to have Christmas their way let them but they need to realise it’s not everyone’s ideal day.