Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
chaosmaker · 02/12/2023 23:38

The answer to this is the same as it is to all these sorts of threads, be honest. Isn't hard and saves trying to remember what excuses were given other times.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/12/2023 23:38

You get your dh to speak to his parents and advise it’s to cold for you, they need to turn the heating up to all rooms, and they don’t provide enough to eat

if he won’t then yes i would be packing extra supplies, and if they say anything say you are hungry and know they have little food in

EtiennePalmiere · 02/12/2023 23:41

I think it's likely they have such a dependency on alcohol that they don't need to eat much, it can happen.
What does your husband think of all this?

Romanceisntdead · 02/12/2023 23:42

You have flu or sickness and diarrhea...cant possibly go, travel**

Blinkingbonkers · 02/12/2023 23:42

Crikey - suddenly my Mum’s terrible habit of massively over-catering looks like a mega bonus!! I agree - decline the invite (for whatever reason seems most plausible) and stay home!!

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2023 23:43

It's weird that your husband can't be honest with his own parents and tell them you don't want a pauper's Christmas and you don't want to freeze your arse off the entire time you're there, so if they can't be flexible and decent hosts, you won't be coming.

Sugarfree23 · 02/12/2023 23:43

Op I'm in the camp of take food with your, or get a food delivery while you are there.

I'd also be tempted to buy everyone matching Christmas Oodies (or Primark versions) sod being cold!

Lucytheloose · 02/12/2023 23:44

I wouldn't be spending Christmas or any other time with a pair of parsimonious alcoholics. If your husband wants to 'keep the peace', he can go on his own.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/12/2023 23:44

Romanceisntdead · 02/12/2023 23:42

You have flu or sickness and diarrhea...cant possibly go, travel**

Sorry, what do the two asterisks mean at the end of your post?

strawberriesarenot · 02/12/2023 23:45

It sounds bleak. Yes, I would turn up with cheese, and probably a ham, and treats and chutneys, eggs and nice bread, and whatever you enjoy in the way of Christmas cakes etc. If it's a bit rude to do that, it's much ruder to not cater for guests.
I don't know what you can do about the heating though. We are keeping our bills down as much as poss, but we have guests for Christmas and then it will go on properly.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/12/2023 23:46

I Would definitely be taking loads of snacks and keeping them in my room

Mikimoto · 02/12/2023 23:48

I love the idea of a Waitrose delivery on the morning of the 24th.
"Ta-daaaa! Let´s dig in, everyone!"

Didimum · 02/12/2023 23:49

I agree it sounds utterly miserable and I’d not enjoy it, BUT you’d be extremely unreasonable to show up with food and begin cooking without their permission (maybe that was a joke!). I also feel, as unenjoyable as it sounds, some people just aren’t into the luxury and gluttony of Christmas – it can be pretty excessive – and no one should judge them on how they spend their money.

Unfortunately I think your options are to suck it up or not go. I’d be choosing the latter.

Rebeccaaamay · 02/12/2023 23:51

A lot of people are saying to not go, if I were you I wouldn't but I get that its hard as I'm guessing its a traditional thing with the whole family.
If I were you I would just bring my own extras (Meat or Vegetables or even chocolates/biscuits.) anyways, even if they insisted for you not to.
What would they do than? Throw it away?

SharSharBinks · 02/12/2023 23:55

It does sound a bit depressing but people on here are always very quick to give advice when they have no skin in the game. If it's once every sixth year is it really worth falling out with your husband's parents over one meal?

Autumnleaves89 · 02/12/2023 23:59

Definitely take food. “Oh I insist-it’s SO kind of you to host we wouldn’t dream of not contributing!”
cheese board, biscuits and chocs, crisps and dips, some pre prepared veggies and sides from M&S.

beatrix1234 · 02/12/2023 23:59

"Hi, we've decided to make a traditional christmas meal at home with the kids and we would love for you to come and join us, if driving is a hassle why don't you invite us for tea next day?" If you end up going for tea make sure you secretly pack lots of snacks, some sandwiches and a little portable heater.

Togekiss · 03/12/2023 00:03

Option 1:
Make an excuse and don’t go. Have a proper Christmas at home and enjoy it.

Option 2:
Go but only for a quick visit on Christmas Day, or visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. You’re still showing up and spending time there but you can have your own nice dinner in your own home. Obviously this won’t work if they live far away but if it’s an hour or two’s drive, it’s an option.

Option 3:
Go and accept the dinner will be shit, but pack a bag full of snacks, chocolates etc so you aren’t hungry. Bring an electric blanket so you aren’t cold at night. A thick jumper to wear during the day. Basically damage control.
I would also go for a Christmas dinner with DP a day or two before Christmas so at least you get to enjoy it then, or cook a belated one when you get back.

Only you can decide what option is the most practical and least offensive but definitely don’t go and spend the next 4 days starving and freezing.

And with next year in mind, I would stay at home.

Loopdela · 03/12/2023 00:07

Don’t go. It really is as simple as that. If they question it, just say that your idea of celebrating Christmas is completely different from theirs. By the sound of it, you don’t need to worry about being too subtle.

Togekiss · 03/12/2023 00:09

Also for those suggesting OP rocks up with a turkey and all the trimmings and starts flying round the kitchen cooking another dinner, as much as it’s a well intended suggestion, it will 100% go down like a lead balloon.

They have already declined OP bringing food. If she shows up with it anyway it will come across badly. Ie “who does she think she is, it’s my house”/“is our dinner not good enough for her” etc. Also, starting to cook in someone else’s kitchen is rude unless they’ve given you permission to do so. A lot of folk don’t like their belongings being used and touched.

And even if OP brings lots of chocolates etc to share rather than dinner items, they’ll all get eaten before OP even has a chance and she’ll still get bitched about for bringing them.

If she’s bringing food, it needs to be stuff she can subtly eat in the room they’re sleeping in afterwards. She can of course bring one or two things to share, but I really would keep the bulk of it in a bag in their room. It doesn’t hurt their feelings and OP isn’t left hungry.

HamBone · 03/12/2023 00:11

We had a similar situation with Thanksgiving last week here in the US. DH’s sister refuses to travel so essentially forces everyone to go to her if we want to have a family get-together. Only problem is, she doesn’t cook and it’s uncomfortable sleeping in her basement!

We stayed in a hotel and just turned up with some wine and various side dishes! She did order in a turkey and mashed potatoes, but it would have been a bit basic with no sides.

I refuse to be cold and hungry in someone else’s house nowadays. Other SIL and her DH did stay and didn’t get much sleep due to the discomfort, they kept asking what our hotel was like!

bridgetreilly · 03/12/2023 00:13

Get a decent supermarket order delivered to their house?

HamBone · 03/12/2023 00:14

@Togekiss I agree that the OP can’t bring a lavish meal, but I think it’s OK to show up with a couple of side dishes. Keep any other food on your room or book a hotel like we did and secretly eat.

SoreAndTired1 · 03/12/2023 00:14

What does your husband think about it? Can he have a word with them about how they come across?

buckeejit · 03/12/2023 00:16

Go & take whatever good you want with you. Just say 'I know you didn't want x/y/z food but we want to eat this at Christmas so I've brought it.' Older people have a lower appetite sometimes & can't be bothered doing things that take effort. I now take whatever I want to eat to pil's as every house has different tastes & ways of doing things. Being hangry makes things too tense! If they choose to be offended at you bringing food, that's on them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread