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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/12/2023 23:05

Lying about being ill just kicks the can down the road. OP can't do that every year. Also even if she's able to lie shamelessly, it's not fair to put her DH and kids in the same position.

Like I said, OP, just have a separate 'Christmas Day' before or after and indulge..

stardust40 · 02/12/2023 23:05

I'd be ignoring the instructions not to bring anything! Bake and take ... sausage rolls/ cakes/ own veg/sweets etc

PercyPigInAWig · 02/12/2023 23:05

trollopolis · 02/12/2023 22:33

Well it might be too late to do anything about this year.

But I think now is the time to start alternating which family you visit plus having Christmas in your own home. Then it's only once every 3 years.

Take supplementary food. You could go out on long walks without them and have furtive picnics, or have midnight feasts - which might become good memories. They're plenty of booze, so you can always take the edge off it hat way

Don't try to force your way in to the catering when it's been declined by the hosts - whatever the motivation it would be horribly rude to impose yourself in someone else's kitchen against their wishes.

Sorry what a load of crap. It is fine to force your way into the catering when the hosts are rude enough to deprive you of a Christmas feast that they can well afford.

It is also ridiculous to agree to this every third Christmas. We don’t get into any rotas and we don’t mix families and we make sure we eat well at Christmas. I’m not much of a drinker but always have loads of food and drink in over Christmas. Well all year really!

Moveoverdarlin · 02/12/2023 23:06

I wouldn’t go. No way. My in-laws are exactly the same. Tight tight bastards. No chocolates, no mince pies, no Christmas cakes, puddings. It’s a miserable existence.

Anele22 · 02/12/2023 23:07

Take whatever food you like - no need for a cool box - it’ll all stay fresh in your chilly bedroom!

Wellhellooooodear · 02/12/2023 23:08

No way would I go. I'd invite them to you and make up some bullshit as to why it has to be at yours.

Saz12 · 02/12/2023 23:09

Its too late to back out now, surely?
Id bring canape type stuff, deserts, and nost importantly plenty of illicit snacks.

sunfsymondyue · 02/12/2023 23:10

god. everyone on here is such a drip. just don’t go and if they ask why tell them they’re shit hosts, get a backbone

thedementedelf · 02/12/2023 23:10

Stay separate, go to theirs but cook for you and dh plus take snacks and heated throw or have them at yours.

NeedToChangeName · 02/12/2023 23:10

Healthy cereal / cheese on toast wouldn't bother me. Christmas dinner sounds grim but for the sake of family harmony, I'd tolerate it and take snacks and sweets to share each evening

You can't turn up with a turkey and cook it. That's rude

And, go or don't, but don't fake a last minute cold or Covid.

Wellhellooooodear · 02/12/2023 23:10

Sorry just read your update. In that case go but take loads of food 'oh Margaret I know you said not to but it feels wrong you doing all the work'.

Wellhellooooodear · 02/12/2023 23:12

NeedToChangeName · 02/12/2023 23:10

Healthy cereal / cheese on toast wouldn't bother me. Christmas dinner sounds grim but for the sake of family harmony, I'd tolerate it and take snacks and sweets to share each evening

You can't turn up with a turkey and cook it. That's rude

And, go or don't, but don't fake a last minute cold or Covid.

It's rude to invite guests for Christmas Dinner and not cook any veg because you don't like it. Surely manners go out of the window at this point.

Ionlylikedityesterday · 02/12/2023 23:12

Your first mistake is to offer to bring the cheese board, pudding, etc. Don’t mention them in advance and just turn up with them. Bring starters or a big vegetable bake or something to bulk out the dinner. It might be a little rude but then so is not feeding your guests.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 23:12

Wellhellooooodear · 02/12/2023 23:10

Sorry just read your update. In that case go but take loads of food 'oh Margaret I know you said not to but it feels wrong you doing all the work'.

yes, do this. sounds like a penance otherwise.

Jk987 · 02/12/2023 23:12

Firstly stay in a hotel or holiday rental. Secondly go to the shop when you're there and stock up on goodies to share.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/12/2023 23:13

For pity's sake OP, would you please tell us what your OH has to say about this.

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 02/12/2023 23:13

Go, when you get there say o I couldn’t resist, these just looked to irresistible and produce some pre-prepped veg, nice glazed carrots, broccoli, extra pigs in blankets all ready to put in the oven on Christmas Day, or other days your there, if mil dosnt want to eat them she dosnt have to. I’d also do the same with cheese and fruit. I’d also take a stash of food for my room.

We go to a few relatives for meals that I know won’t suit us as a family, if we can’t eat beforehand I bring stuff, always way more than we need always stuff my dcs will eat and make it out I’m bringing it for everyone as extras to share, when really I’m just making sure there is food we know we will eat available.

You need to grow some balls OP and just put your food away, and make sure you get up and put it in the oven Christmas Day, don’t be afraid to say your eating xyz along with MILs yummy dinner.

Allfur · 02/12/2023 23:14

Turn on the radiators in the cold rooms and bring snacks, all part of the idiosyncrasies of extended families

appalledandtired · 02/12/2023 23:14

Just order in a massive Waitrose delivery and tell them it's their Christmas present to say thank you for having them

Wellhellooooodear · 02/12/2023 23:15

sunfsymondyue · 02/12/2023 23:10

god. everyone on here is such a drip. just don’t go and if they ask why tell them they’re shit hosts, get a backbone

Oh your one of those tell it how it is, fuck everyone's feelings people. Nothing wrong with a white lie now and again to avoid looking like a total cow.

CaramelMac · 02/12/2023 23:15

Sod being polite, surely expecting vegetables with any meal is the bare minimum? Just take what’s missing yourself and if it “disappears” then ask where it is.

In reality though I think I would just be “feeling a bit under the weather” and stay home.

tachetastic · 02/12/2023 23:16

I think your husband needs to weigh in here on your behalf. They are his parents but you are his wife.

There are family traditions that should be respected, but no veggies and frankly no food other than Xmas lunch is not acceptable.

Out of interest, when you went before, was he happily munching down cheese sandwiches three times a day under mummy's supervision, while she was probably ruffling his hair and saying "good boy"?

NigelHarmansNewWife · 02/12/2023 23:16

Are they alcoholics? The no pleasure in food/limited food but loads of booze makes it sound as though they are. Take some stuff with you, including some pre-prepared veg for Christmas dinner.

KnottyKnitting · 02/12/2023 23:17

God that sounds miserable. Sod that- stock your fridge with lots of treats and go down with norovirus on Christmas Eve.

Dillane · 02/12/2023 23:17

SausageAndEggSandwich · 02/12/2023 22:25

I wouldn't go and your DH should be enough of a grown up to explain why.

They are rude, bad hosts and Christmas should be fun, not an exercise in endurance.

This