To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

[Kiwilime]

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

While there are ways and means around it, as PPs have already suggested, spending Christmas huddled up in a beanie hat and sneaking off to have secret picnics round the corner sounds... awful.

Don't go. If she asks why, tell her why. Why wouldn't you? You can say it cheerily.

"Because we like to push the boat out with food more than you do, and you're not okay with us bringing any extra food. We also like it a bit warmer than you do. So it's best if we spend Christmas at ours. You're welcome to come if you want."

Don't go. Nobody needs a cold and hungry Xmas if they can afford a better one.

'I've got these, don't let them go to waste, that would be a tragedy' and turn up with stuff that needs cooking eg pigs in blankets, carrot sticks etc. they'll understand your frugality and appreciate it and you'll get some vegetables!

Of course OP doesn't unilaterally decide that the family stay home. So all these posts saying 'don't go' aren't helpful.

I don't know when you plan to go/return, OP, but my strategy would be to have an alternative family Christmas Day.

It's not unusual for me now (adult kids who have jobs that mean they often have to work on Christmas Day) and it makes no odds. It's our Christmas (usually Christmas Eve or Boxing day) and I do the full works.

When the kids were younger and we were flying to Australia to spend Christmas with relatives, we had our alternative Christmas the week before! Presents, dinner, treats, the lot. And it was just as well, because the relatives we were staying with just didn't bother with Christmas much at all! They got a takeaway rotisserie chicken and poundland type presents! 😩 We'd have cried if we hadn't had 'our' Christmas on the 18th!

If you really have to go, OP, I agree with all of the people saying ignore MIL's instructions and turn up laden with food you want to eat.

If MIL objects, blithely style it out.

"Oh I know, I know, when people ask me if they can bring anything I always say no to be polite but they always bring stuff anyway and it is much appreciated!"

If you meet further resistance, say, "Well I know you have a certain way of doing things but for me Christmas Dinner just isn't complete without plenty of delicious vegetables, a cheese board and a dessert. It's the one day of the year where everyone should be completely stuffed afterwards, that's the whole reason why the post Christmas lunch walk is traditional!"

So here you are cheerfully but also obviously shaming her a bit for not providing a proper Christmas dinner, in a way that is plausibly deniable but hopefully gets the point across.

Hopefully she'll either get the message and make more effort in future or she'll be so annoyed she won't want to spend Christmases with you again for a while.

If it gets directly confrontational you just say, "Look, MIL, part of hosting is that you make sure your guests are well fed and watered and warm and comfortable, especially at Christmas. I'm going to be honest with you, when we spend Christmas here we tend to feel a bit underfed and freeze our bollocks off, which makes for a rather miserable time. We'd still love to see you but just let us take over or at least contribute to the meal, and put the bloody radiators on, even if it's only for 48 hours a year."

You don't mention your husband in all of this. What's his take on it all?

You could take a Christmas hamper (fortnum & mason always great obv but M&S also do good options- we got the chilled and non chilled double option once and it was brilliant) as a perfectly normal contribution to the festive fare- though if you think you need to justify you could breezily say “got this as a gift and thought it’d be nice to share over Christmas as it’s a bit much for just us” or even “work has started giving these hampers out as a Christmas bonus”. Then you’re completely within your rights to say “ooh, I’m a bit peckish- might try some of that lovely looking Stilton with a few crackers and some chutney”. Doesn’t really help with the dire Christmas dinner (though i prefer the Christmas grazing to the main meals anyway!)

Sounds like they are alcoholics?

I get that "Dont go" isnt always easy bearing in mind family policitics but I would absolutely fake last minute Noro.....

Definitely don't go. That sounds super shit

Is that a sniff I hear? Maybe a cough travelling back in time from 23rd December 2023?

Oh, dear, you seem to have all contracted Covid. And the Measles. Flu, too. in fact, wasn't there a thing in the paper about Bubonic Plague coming back and your DC have inexplicably been singing Ring a Ring of Roses and mumbling Braaaaaiiiiinnnnnns since December 17th?

Pretty sure that snowstorm forecast is actually a swarm of locusts. Frogs, too.

And your car has developed sentience and decided there's no way on earth it's driving over there when there's the Rise of the Machines to get rolling.

In short - say whatever you can, don't fucking go.

OP, I’m kind of with you. Long story but DH and I were adopted by our elderly neighbors (real elderly mid to late 80s). They refer to us as the kids and we call them our dads) They love to host, but in the last few years it’s become too much for them due to age, medical conditions, etc.

A couple of years ago I suggested more of a pot luck for holidays. Everyone brings a dish. In reality I make the main and at least 2 sides, they do dessert and veg, DH does a side and the other guests bring wine or an appetizer. It’s honestly great. They get to do the fun bits of hosting but don’t have to do the hard work, I get cook and don’t have to clean my house for company. The guests who don’t have a lot of money and/or don’t cook are off the hook. Everyone wins.

I just heard today that the non-cook of the two is planning on cooking. Before he turned 87 he wasn’t a great cook (did well on the basic no frills dinners, but his partner was the fancy and better cook).

I’m trying to figure out how to get them to change their mind. I’m honestly not that fussed about Christmas dinner (my big day is Xmas eve). Last year they made frozen lasagna and it was perfect. The year they last cooked we all got food poisoning from rancid butter.

The only thing I think would work is to come up with a way for them to be ‘doing me a favor’ by letting me cook. I don’t know we might ‘win a free ham’ that would otherwise go to waste if we don’t use it or something like that. I’ll have to ponder it over the next week or so.

Ohhhh you need to go so you can hopefully get a house fund contribution. This is definitely not the time to find a hill to die on.

I'd pack a load of food and eat it when they're not looking. And don't give it to them. They're not the controllers of the pantry, you don't have to hand over all your food when you arrive.

In fact, that's exactly what I do when I go to PILs who can't seem to cater for my allergy and seem to year after year buy things I just can't eat. They also don't offer snacks and their heating is persistently set to "hotter than the sun" so I just try to suck it up because DH likes seeing his parents.

Strategic Covid. Because of their age you can’t risk passing it on.

Stay at home and have a fab Christmas.

I would still turn up with stuff so a slow cooked ham in the slow cooker pot (stays hot for ages) and make an excuse oh it was going to waste or I thought you were just being polite.....

Vegetables and things already cooked or even the heat up sides from the supermarkets rather then things you need the hob for etc.

Take snacks to munch in bedroom, hot water bottle, a throw/wrap to wear

You have a DP problem. Why aren't they standing up for you?

'Kiwilime likes to be warm and well fed at Christmas so we'll be bringing extra food with us and here's an extra £100 to turn the heating on more so it isn't so cold when we stay. Looking forward to our visit!'

This!

Why should they hold the monopoly on being dogmatic? I'd say to your DH that you're only going on the condition that you take your own food to supplement the in laws' food.

Veggies are essential for Christmas dinner, even if it's just some sprouts, parsnips and carrots. I'd take extra roasties if they're mean about those too. A cheeseboard and grapes are easy to buy if you don't want the faff of making your own.

When you're as old as me you're much less bothered about offending people! But you might as well start now and not waste all those years.

I'd tell my husband you can go if you want but I'm not going sorry. X

Simple - take bags and bags of food with you, and say that your fridge/freezer packed up overnight and it'll need to be eaten as otherwise it'll go to waste.
Think of all the veg, cheese and other christmas goodies you'd have ordered in ready to go home to........

Hang on what does your husband say. Surely he's mortified that they ruined Christmas the last time you went by basically freezing and starving you. I would be putting foot down and saying you're not suffering through another Christmas like that. Forget keeping the peace here. If you don't stand your ground you'll end up having to do this ad infinitum,

If you have to go just go for the actual day and go along with their tight Christmas then come home and do it all properly on boxing day?

How about:
'Oh that is so kind of you to offer to do it all. So thoughtful. Do you know, I think as you get older, your metabolism slows down and you get less hungry? You'd be surprised how much we all eat! I can't ask you to cook all that extra for me and the kids, so I think I will bring some extras. Honestly they put so much away. And I'll bring some veg, we really need it or we get tummy trouble'.

If she really insists, give her a shopping list of things you need her to buy, and say you'll give her cash for it. And yes to snacks in your room.

If you do have to go, I would bring everything pre-prepped/cooked for reheating that I myself want to eat, (well not a turkey) just act all helpful and kind.

My god that sounds bleak. What does your H think of how shit it was?

Take your own food - say it's a Christmas tradition. I've learnt over the years that other people's version of Christmas is always disappointing one way or the other so I now make a huge portion of my favourite things (cauliflower cheese with bacon and leeks, and a boozy braised red cabbage) and donate them to the table. I also always bring cheese, sharing packs of twiglets or cheeselets, diet coke and I make a dessert. Yes it's overkill most of the time but I refuse to be disappointed on Xmas day, and I alway badge it up as my contribution to the day's meals. It's a nice thing to do and it ensured I have a nice day too. Also can't bear the pressure to drink all day - it just makes me tired, so I have my diet coke and I'm happy 😁