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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 19:54

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 19:28

Really?

So the AIBU goes like this.

"My MIL hasn't come to ours for Christmas for five years and she's finally agreed to come this year after making excuses for the last few years. Fine. But she keeps suggesting she brings a bloody turkey or cheese or vegetables and god knows what else and I don't want it. On Christmas Day we eat a three bird roast from Lidl that I have in the freezer and ready made roast potatoes cooked from frozen and a bit of gravy. That's been good enough for our family for the last however many Chrismases but apparently it's not good enough for MIL. The rest of the time we just eat normal food like toast and cereal and she just turns her nose up at everything, she's hungry, it's too cold, honestly I'm dreading her visit already. They offered to host but I don't want to travel to where they live and I prefer to stay in my own home. But she seems to think she's entitled to take over my kitchen making her bloody vegetables. AIBU or should she just be grateful? A Christmas dinner without carrots or sprouts won't bloody kill her and neither will putting a jumper on."

Do you really think anybody is going to be on the side of the DIL?

Show quote history

Actually yes I do. Because sadly I think some people are just looking for a constant fight. I feel bad for them because it’s a negative energy spiral. Anyway: I’ve said my bit and am bowing out before I end up going the same way. All I would say is there isn’t anything to be ashamed of in trying to be conciliatory sometimes. You’ve got to decide how much it matters because sometimes it does and sometimes it really doesn’t. Not everything people do is done with bad motives. Being hurt by a handful of people doesn’t automatically mean the whole world deserves to have you navigate life baring your teeth at them.

User1789 · 04/12/2023 19:59

Crafthead · 04/12/2023 19:48

Not unreasonable, but almost guaranteed to start a row.

But if OP is not unreasonable, then who is responsible for starting the row?

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 20:00

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 19:54

Actually yes I do. Because sadly I think some people are just looking for a constant fight. I feel bad for them because it’s a negative energy spiral. Anyway: I’ve said my bit and am bowing out before I end up going the same way. All I would say is there isn’t anything to be ashamed of in trying to be conciliatory sometimes. You’ve got to decide how much it matters because sometimes it does and sometimes it really doesn’t. Not everything people do is done with bad motives. Being hurt by a handful of people doesn’t automatically mean the whole world deserves to have you navigate life baring your teeth at them.

Show quote history

Well that's all very fascinating, but none of it explains why the OP suffering a Christmas of bargain basement frozen roast potatoes and bran flakes is preferable to her just ignoring her MIL and bringing whatever food she wants to eat with her.

The MIL being a bit offended is not worse than everyone else being cold and hungry.

Tastyreceips · 04/12/2023 20:04

What does your husband think and what he does do ?

Mrssnee16 · 04/12/2023 20:09

Personally I would thank them for the invite and politely explain Christmas will be held at your house and they are more than welcome to attend. Some people get to a certain age and just get stuck in a rutt and it may very well be the case here, but if you're miserable about going then just decline and spend Christmas in your own home and cook the dinner yourself.

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 20:21

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 20:00

Well that's all very fascinating, but none of it explains why the OP suffering a Christmas of bargain basement frozen roast potatoes and bran flakes is preferable to her just ignoring her MIL and bringing whatever food she wants to eat with her.

The MIL being a bit offended is not worse than everyone else being cold and hungry.

Show quote history

Negativity spirals happen when things escalate. This usually happens for one of two reasons: either a total inability to compromise, a lack of reasonable boundaries, or both.

This is something easily avoided were one or both these practices put into place, but at present they are lacking on both sides. The three options are to stay at home, visit and suck it up, bringing spare blankets to use in the living room and hiding a stash of food in your luggage, or bringing and cooking food in the surefire knowledge it will cause gratuitous offence. Not much in the way of compromise there, and no boundaries set from the alternative side which tell the in-laws that their stubborn insistence on my way or the highway isn't pleasant or comfortable for others. I could cope with the lack of food. Easy enough to pack something. But freezing my backside off makes me thoroughly, utterly miserable. It's also by no means conducive to my good temper. I, too, had a SFiL who was too tightfisted to have the heating on, so I feel OP's pain there.

None of these things would require confrontation or 'negative energy spirals' (oh, the histrionics) excepting option 3. It's not really cricket to do that in someone else's home. If you feel that strongly, simply don't go.

I'm not quite sure why this has prompted all the OTT rhetoric about confrontational behaviour on this thread. Not a thing's been said, either, about what the PiLs' own child thinks about this. A little direct communication (like adults) seems to be what's needed here, and that is the job of OP's partner. They are, after all, his/her parents.

Crafthead · 04/12/2023 20:23

if it it's not unreasonable why will it start a row?

...are rows generally started by reasonable people then? And there was me thinking its generally the most unreasonable people who start the drama 🤷

Lucetastic · 04/12/2023 20:25

Mojolostforever · 02/12/2023 22:25

I would have a very bad cold on Christmas day.

Brilliant 👏

User1789 · 04/12/2023 20:26

Crafthead · 04/12/2023 20:23

if it it's not unreasonable why will it start a row?

...are rows generally started by reasonable people then? And there was me thinking its generally the most unreasonable people who start the drama 🤷

I think you just ran very hard into the point.

Crafthead · 04/12/2023 20:32

I think you just ran very hard into the point.

Oh dear 🙄

TowerRaven7 · 04/12/2023 20:37

Bring it! It’s easy to say don’t go but with a spouse it’s not that easy!
Bring it and laugh and say you knew she was just trying to be nice and have a real meal for heaven’s sake!

AirMam · 04/12/2023 20:58

Hell would literally freeze over before I went to their house for Christmas again!

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 20:59

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 20:21

Negativity spirals happen when things escalate. This usually happens for one of two reasons: either a total inability to compromise, a lack of reasonable boundaries, or both.

This is something easily avoided were one or both these practices put into place, but at present they are lacking on both sides. The three options are to stay at home, visit and suck it up, bringing spare blankets to use in the living room and hiding a stash of food in your luggage, or bringing and cooking food in the surefire knowledge it will cause gratuitous offence. Not much in the way of compromise there, and no boundaries set from the alternative side which tell the in-laws that their stubborn insistence on my way or the highway isn't pleasant or comfortable for others. I could cope with the lack of food. Easy enough to pack something. But freezing my backside off makes me thoroughly, utterly miserable. It's also by no means conducive to my good temper. I, too, had a SFiL who was too tightfisted to have the heating on, so I feel OP's pain there.

None of these things would require confrontation or 'negative energy spirals' (oh, the histrionics) excepting option 3. It's not really cricket to do that in someone else's home. If you feel that strongly, simply don't go.

I'm not quite sure why this has prompted all the OTT rhetoric about confrontational behaviour on this thread. Not a thing's been said, either, about what the PiLs' own child thinks about this. A little direct communication (like adults) seems to be what's needed here, and that is the job of OP's partner. They are, after all, his/her parents.

Edited
Show quote history

The rhetoric about confrontation was brought in when lower-conflict suggestions were derided as competitive martyrdom and emotional back-bending. Incidentally, those labels were also the only real examples of any histrionics on the thread.

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 21:05

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 20:59

The rhetoric about confrontation was brought in when lower-conflict suggestions were derided as competitive martyrdom and emotional back-bending. Incidentally, those labels were also the only real examples of any histrionics on the thread.

Show quote history

Direct, adult discussion, compromise, or even instilling a few boundaries are none of them 'high conflict' solutions. There are other options a functioning adult might take on without resorting to wordless capitulation.

To suggest otherwise indicates a need either to work on developing healthy boundaries, or effective communication skills. Or both.

User1789 · 04/12/2023 21:11

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 20:59

The rhetoric about confrontation was brought in when lower-conflict suggestions were derided as competitive martyrdom and emotional back-bending. Incidentally, those labels were also the only real examples of any histrionics on the thread.

Show quote history

'histronics'

'old hag'

'live in dark, bitter little mental crevices'

'combative/pugnacious' (when what is being described is assertiveness)

'outburst' (when people describe their experiences)

But you aren't a misogynist, are you?

BTW, it is a particular brand of feminism that defends accusations of misogyny by pointing out that you do paid labour and have avoided having many children. But clearly, you don't understand what emotional labour is, and why volunteering other women to do it is misogynistic, even when it is being repeatedly spelled out to you.

strawberryshortcakescat · 04/12/2023 21:28

If you really have to go, take lots of treats.
And if they are tight with the heating I'd make sure I had plenty of warm clothes, socks and slippers. Plus cosy blankets and hot water bottles/ microwave heat buddies. It's being cold that would me the mardy.

Doone22 · 04/12/2023 21:41

You don't need to slag them off, loads of people that generation grew up in a kind of poverty you can't imagine. Old habits die hard.
Just say everyone got covid the day before and enjoy yourself.

SeasideA · 04/12/2023 22:01

Unfortunately old habits die hard. Old people are set in routine. The M&S Christmas ad speaks volumes to doing what you want to do at Christmas. Of course in real life we all have responsibilities and emotions to loved ones to ‘keep the peace’ it is after all one day out of 365. Plenty of other days in the year to lavish food and heating. By the sounds of OP IL’s if they drink as much as she says ….. anyway Christmas should be merry so OP take the food, enjoy their booze and for god sake take hot water bottles and slippers. The rest of the year is yours and your OH/DH/DP cannot stop you xx

NonPlayerCharacter · 04/12/2023 22:13

Plenty of other days in the year to lavish food and heating.

Yes, they are absolute luxuries...

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 22:30

User1789 · 04/12/2023 21:11

'histronics'

'old hag'

'live in dark, bitter little mental crevices'

'combative/pugnacious' (when what is being described is assertiveness)

'outburst' (when people describe their experiences)

But you aren't a misogynist, are you?

BTW, it is a particular brand of feminism that defends accusations of misogyny by pointing out that you do paid labour and have avoided having many children. But clearly, you don't understand what emotional labour is, and why volunteering other women to do it is misogynistic, even when it is being repeatedly spelled out to you.

Show quote history

User, I do understand emotional labour and I’m genuinely sorry if you’ve been through something along those lines. I do however think you are injecting a lot more of that into this situation than is there on the face of the post. Families can be less than ideal but some degree of just letting things slide past can be healthy. I say that because a friend who has been through a lot developed a carapace, feeling she needed to set boundaries the whole time. She has constantly been at loggerheads over some slight or other and the conflict took its toll. She is now recovering from a full nervous breakdown because it wasn’t sustainable. I’m not misogynistic and I’m actually struggling to some degree to see how this is really an issue related to the OPs gender; if the post were reversed I would still think DH should try to make sure he wasn’t physically cold and hungry but avoid insulting the ILs over something which I strongly suspect they are just oblivious to. That doesn’t exonerate them or make them good hosts. It’s just a question of how much this particular boundary really matters. My reference to children and jobs was because those are examples of the sorts of issues I think are really important for women to be able to stake their boundaries around. Obviously verbal and physical abuse is another. I don’t honestly think the quality of Christmas dinner is. Hag was potentially a misogynistic word but I was referring to myself and so it would not have made sense to use a description of an unpleasant male. Any other terms you have identified apply equally to male or female responding with hostility to suggestions of lower conflict approaches. I don’t think it helps anyone - women or otherwise- to feel that de-escalating a situation is a sign of weakness. Boundaries are good but we all need to decide which ones are worth staking out, as I have witnessed with my friend. She WAS manoeuvring herself further and further into a dark bitter crevice and in the end it’s herself she has hurt the most. People can be incredibly hurtful; but equally sometimes people are just trying to help. I may not understand your particular emotional labour and I don’t think this thread is the place to anyway, but I do understand my friend’s struggles and see where it has wound up. For that reason I do favour operating a pressure release valve at times, rather than blowing air into an issue. I think it’s important people aren’t attacked as being martyrs or emotional back-bending for taking that approach .

CleaningAngel · 05/12/2023 07:04

Just don't go its that simple even if u have to tell your husband why. Surely he can enjoy it

housethatbuiltme · 05/12/2023 08:36

NonPlayerCharacter · 04/12/2023 22:13

Plenty of other days in the year to lavish food and heating.

Yes, they are absolute luxuries...

They are to lots of people.

'Lavish' LITERALLY means 'rich & luxurious'... but yes for millions of people even things like heating is a luxury they can't afford.

Pelham678 · 05/12/2023 09:17

User1789 · 04/12/2023 13:03

@Calliopespa do you not think that perhaps there is a middle way between being a 'foul-mouthed aggressive old hag' and somebody with a pathological need to people please, even when those said people are being rude hosts?

I have come clean with previous posts on my position on this, as the DIL of similarly miserable Scrooges with whom I have had many a miserable Christmas. I did all of the turning up with half the food (or running out to get more food to feed people when it ran out) to ensure my DH got to see his parents at Christmas and everything was 'fair', for many, many years.

Until the unfairness of the situation on me became so untenable that I am now v low contact with my MIL, and won't be seeing her this Christmas. I'm relieved, my DH is very sad, and I am quite bitter that our society's expectation of emotional labour placed on DILs is so overwhelming, that it gave my DH (and to a degree my ILs) an unrealistic expectation of how a relationship could be sustained.

The suggestion that somebody dance around with a tartiflette claiming it is just a side dish, so they don't go hungry at Christmas, but don't make their horrible hosts aware of the fact, is the absolute epitome of damaging expectations of women in familial relationships. You are not being as nice as you think you are.

Edited

Of course you're right, but I don't think there is any point in trying to convince @Calliopespa because they will continue to lecture us with the minimum of paragraphs and faux apologies. Thankfully the OP has been empowered a number of pages earlier to assert herself and have a nice Christmas.

Also the people reading this thread will get some encouragement about standing their ground too. I wish I had had MN many years ago as I have learnt so much since and become much less of a people pleaser and am significantly happier for it.

LovePoppy · 05/12/2023 17:10

Kiwilime · 03/12/2023 00:30

Thanks for your thoughts everyone! I'm definitely going to take a nice cheeseboard with chutneys, nice crackers/breads, fruit and pickles. I know they like cheeseboards, and it will have to be stored in the fridge, so they can't stash it away.
I think maybe I'll also bring some prepped side dishes and veg, like red cabbage and roasted carrots/broccoli for 'everyone' even if it's just us who eats it. I think MIL always feels a bit offended when we bring our own food.
A secret stash of treats in our bedroom isn't a bad idea either...

DH knows they're tight, but they're his parents, so obviously he wants to see them and other family nearby over Christmas. (They live nearly 2 hours away from us). They're generally nice and good people, and we all get on well. They've just got increasingly obsessed with saving money as they've got older.

If it’s only 2 hrs away, why are you going for so long? Why not go for the afternoon and then home in the evening?

RampantIvy · 05/12/2023 17:15

Maybe the OP doesn't want to spend 4 hours on the road on Christmas day, with a 2 hour drive in the dark on the way home @LovePoppy . I know I wouldn't want to.