Page 22 | To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

Kiwilime · 2023-12-02T22:22:32+00:00

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas. So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined. I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 14:10

Naptrappedmummy · 04/12/2023 13:50

I think this is a fairly typical thread showing the Mn mentality that either somebody is a perfect person through and through, or their minor faults must be extrapolated into a backstory proving they are manipulative narcissistic abusers.

OP has said herself that aside from crap hosting skills they generally get along. She’s certainly said nothing about them oppressing their son, preventing him from voicing his ‘needs’ (🙄 ) or being toxic. This kind of overwhelmingly dramatic reaching looks utterly mad and borderline hysterical, not ‘perceptive’.

I’m also willing to bet a tenner the posters chanting ‘Get DH to put them straight!’ would never be as confident or assertive at telling a relative their food is shite or that they’re bad hosts as they make out they would. All very easy over the Internet.

Lastly with this kind of combative attitude it does not surprise me in the slightest that so many posters complain about being lonely, having no friends, being NC with half their family or that they ‘can’t stand people in general’. Their prerogative of course but maybe bear in mind some people do like having family and friend relationships and are not willing to upset their loved ones over a crap roast dinner once every 5 years. It isn’t weak or passive to simply let minor things go now and then for the sake of peace/family/friendship. It must be utterly draining being as outraged and confrontational as some of the posters on here!

OP I hope you manage a nice Christmas Day regardless of the freezer tapas and manage to smuggle some snacks in! Only 5 years until the next one (maybe invite them round that year?!)

Could not agree more. And especially the comment re combative attitudes on every issue. I often seek the calmer route in family and relationship matters; yet I am far from a misogynist. I have worked hard to get the career I want, I have not produced progeny at the alarming rate my IL would probably have liked. Would I stand my ground on these substantive issues? Yes absolutely. Would I feel I was somehow degraded and subjugated by presenting a side dish without needing to make it clear I think their hosting sucks? No. Happy to “ back-bend emotionally” on that one.

User1789 · 04/12/2023 14:11

I don't think you (or many people on this thread) understand what emotional labour is.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/12/2023 14:13

@Kiwilime - I have read the whole thread and what I would like to add to the suggestion of you still going is this.
You've mentioned that your MiL insists that she'll do the cooking and her meagre cooking/portions...well, you can be equally insistent that you will not hear of her cooking for Christmas, you absolutely insist on doing the cooking this year and you've already got a turkey & ham on order. You'll pre-cook the ham and bring it down with you but you'll need to cook the turkey as soon as you arrive.

Bring everything you want with you - turkey, ham, condiments, side dishes (various types of potatoes, stuffing, Yorkshire puddings) the works and just go in and say "I'm here and I'm cooking" and tell her to put her feet up!
She might think she has had her nose put out of joint by you doing this but do you know something - she'll have a huge dinner out of it too! So in my world that is a win all around!!!

Become bubbly and vivacious and just not accept her doing the cooking. Make sure that your DH is on the same page with you so he doesn't try to intervene in a negative way.

DevonMum123 · 04/12/2023 14:15

I would go, but turn up with all the treats you have offered. Bring the cheese board, boxes or chocolates and mince pies and say you just feel bad not contributing and it's your treat for everyone.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 04/12/2023 14:18

Some different suggestions for OP:

Don't stay overnight. Travel there & back on Christmas Day, to limit the misery.
Find an airbnb near ILs & stay there, visiting ILs for a few hours each day & leaving when cold & hungry, to enjoy real life at your own place.
See if there's a hotel near ILs serving Christmas dinner, & book just for OP's family (you could stay at the hotel rather than an airbnb). Endure MIL's crap dinner & then say you need to walk it off & go to the hotel for your real dinner & some warmth.

I once had a miserable Christmas at SIL's. In brief, she told us we couldn't arrive till Boxing Day so I assumed she'd postpone Christmas dinner till then, as she insisted we had to visit her (hours & hours away) because she wanted 'a big family Christmas'. She didn't postpone it, & there were apparently no leftovers. There was no food for meals (one slice of supermarket cold meat + one slice of bread + a lettuce leaf + a tomato, per person per meal FOR A WEEK), no snacks, no treats & nothing to do. It was ghastly, but at least it enabled us to refuse all subsequent invitations with a clear consience. We tried, we gave it a go & never again (shudder).

Devon23 · 04/12/2023 14:19

Invite them to yours for dinner or suggest a restaurant your treat?

Seaweed42 · 04/12/2023 14:20

Oh well it's only once every 5 years so be thankful for that.

WinterDeWinter · 04/12/2023 14:22

@User1789 I’m really interested in what you say about alcoholics often being controlling - can you say any more?

toomuchfaff · 04/12/2023 14:23

nah fk that, you never know how many Christmas you have left to spend one at a miserable house not having a good time. I'd put my two feet down and say I'm having Christmas at home, they welcome to come but I'm having it my way with my family in my house... they did it their way for the last 40 yrs, time for the next generation to take over. Let them sit in their little cold bubble drinking sherry.

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 14:25

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 12:56

Well you could just say you think they are shitty hosts but quite honestly I find it easier to be vaguely polite and not feel like a foul-mouthed aggressive old hag. I think you will find the number of words involved in the “back-breaking” effort of not being insulting is about the same. And don’t try to elevate plain old bog standard insults to “ not being manipulative.”

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😂😂😂😂😂😂

As a response to an observation about misogyny, this:

I find it easier to be vaguely polite and not feel like a foul-mouthed aggressive old hag.

is comedy gold! Talk about 'the proof of the pudding is in the eating' (although eating doesn't seem to have to much to do with the meagre spoils on offer at MiL's).

As to referring to those careworn female tropes: ageism, the suggestion that assertiveness and boundaries are showing 'aggression', the confluence of these unforgiveable deviations from the feminine 'norm' into the derogary term of 'hag'; all these things come in all shades of politeness, oh yes .... <nods sagely>

Some of these posts are brilliant fun.

Turfwars · 04/12/2023 14:30

One year when I was in my early 20s I won a raffle prize of a big ham. Given I was in a flat-share I brought it home to my family on Christmas Eve where it didn't go to waste.

Could you 'win' a Christmas shop in a raffle and bring it to avoid wasting it - Turkey and ham, all the trimmings and treats... surely with their stingy ways they would approve of you using it up?

Learnergranny · 04/12/2023 14:39

Three Ages of Woman

‘Where are we going for Christmas?

We went to your folks last year

And your mother took every occasion

To whisper low in my ear

That she wanted to be a grandma!

We’ve obliged her so now we’ll go – where?

My mother insists we spend Christmas with her

And yours want us all to go there!’

‘This Christmas we’ll have the whole family

Your parents, as well as mine.

The children are just that much older

And we should have a wonderful time.’

‘I’ll enjoy doing the cooking

And we’ll spend the day in our own way.

For years we’ve packed up and travelled

So now, we’ll stay home on the Day.’

‘Are you going to your son’s for Christmas

Now that you’re all on your own?’

‘I fear I still don’t know the answer,

I’ve written, (I’m too deaf to phone),’

To be with your family at Christmas

Is where young and old like to be

To spend the time getting together

With one’s very own, dear family.

Hatch End WI

This thread has reminded me of a poem written long ago by my mum's friend.
40 years of cooking Christmas Dinner,! Time to take over and show how generous you can be

ifIwerenotanandroid · 04/12/2023 14:44

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 14:25

😂😂😂😂😂😂

As a response to an observation about misogyny, this:

I find it easier to be vaguely polite and not feel like a foul-mouthed aggressive old hag.

is comedy gold! Talk about 'the proof of the pudding is in the eating' (although eating doesn't seem to have to much to do with the meagre spoils on offer at MiL's).

As to referring to those careworn female tropes: ageism, the suggestion that assertiveness and boundaries are showing 'aggression', the confluence of these unforgiveable deviations from the feminine 'norm' into the derogary term of 'hag'; all these things come in all shades of politeness, oh yes .... <nods sagely>

Some of these posts are brilliant fun.

Edited

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I have to say that my heart sang with joy when I read this:

'We have tartiflette for lunch when skiing...'

It's sooo MN. Right up there with 'hearty soup & lovely crusty bread'. Although I think my friend wins the 'OMG I'm so middle class' stakes with this beauty:

"I'm sorry I missed your call. I was just in the garden, feeding brioche to the peacocks."

😂

JenniferBooth · 04/12/2023 15:03

saraclara · 03/12/2023 22:57

She's done that for five years. But her DH WANTS to go to his parents. Getting what he wants for one Christmas in six is not unreasonable. One spouse doesn't get to dictate that their other half never gets what they want with regard to the day..

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EXACTLY And yet its the OP who is being told to have the mental load and organize and lug bags of food and portable heaters. Her DH can do it They are HIS parents.

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 15:13

ifIwerenotanandroid · 04/12/2023 14:44

I have to say that my heart sang with joy when I read this:

'We have tartiflette for lunch when skiing...'

It's sooo MN. Right up there with 'hearty soup & lovely crusty bread'. Although I think my friend wins the 'OMG I'm so middle class' stakes with this beauty:

"I'm sorry I missed your call. I was just in the garden, feeding brioche to the peacocks."

😂

Show quote history

Arf, arf, arf. 😂

User1789 · 04/12/2023 15:21

IKR? How many husbands are looking forward to a miserly Christmas with their in laws thinking 'I know, I'll make a tartiflette, and it will all be fine!'.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 15:29

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 15:13

Arf, arf, arf. 😂

Show quote history

Actually if one were “ in the know” as far as “ middle class concerns” go, one would realise that peacocks should ideally not be given any variety of bread product so that was unlikely to have been said by a bona fide peacock owner. Seriously, do any of the Rage Against the World posters ever stop to realise the irony ( and here’s one for you Goose since you have such a ticklish sense of humour) that you sit on here raging on and on against misogyny and the unfairness of life, all the while trying to deride other women ( probably more than any man has done) who are just “too MN.” I think you all need a nice warm bowl of wholesome soup and some crusty bread.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 15:33

User1789 · 04/12/2023 15:21

IKR? How many husbands are looking forward to a miserly Christmas with their in laws thinking 'I know, I'll make a tartiflette, and it will all be fine!'.

😂

Yeah, no. They'd be saying, "I'm not going to your bloody mother's house and enduring her fucking awful cooking, she can come here if she likes."

User1789 · 04/12/2023 15:35

Or possibly just doing nothing, as they aren't expected to bear the mental load or emotional labour associated with either kin keeping or Christmas.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 04/12/2023 15:42

Actually if one were “ in the know” as far as “ middle class concerns” go, one would realise that peacocks should ideally not be given any variety of bread product so that was unlikely to have been said by a bona fide peacock owner.

You're correct, she's not a bona fide peacock owner. But she has bona fide peacocks in the bona fide garden of her bona fide cottage. It's just that nobody knows to whom the peacocks properly belong, because they're shared by the whole village & visit all sorts of gardens. The peacocks (& hens) have bred successfully, so they don't seem to have been harmed by being fed bona fide brioche.

The joke is in appearing to be a terribly middle class peacock owner by what she said.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 15:49

ifIwerenotanandroid · 04/12/2023 15:42

Actually if one were “ in the know” as far as “ middle class concerns” go, one would realise that peacocks should ideally not be given any variety of bread product so that was unlikely to have been said by a bona fide peacock owner.

You're correct, she's not a bona fide peacock owner. But she has bona fide peacocks in the bona fide garden of her bona fide cottage. It's just that nobody knows to whom the peacocks properly belong, because they're shared by the whole village & visit all sorts of gardens. The peacocks (& hens) have bred successfully, so they don't seem to have been harmed by being fed bona fide brioche.

The joke is in appearing to be a terribly middle class peacock owner by what she said.

And my joke was in pretending it even matters to a “middle class MNetter. “ When in fact what most of us are concerned about is not letting OPs get goaded into sabotaging their own relationships by suggesting they will somehow be weak and pitiful if they don’t pugnaciously stand their ground over Every Minor Slight just so the embittered can feel that somewhere, somehow, a man or his relatives or even a middle class woman have been punished.

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 15:59

Taking food to someone else’s really is the pits it’s the worst of both worlds. As least if you flog to someone else’s house and put up with their weirdness but the plus side is you don’t have to cook etc and get hosted . Here op gets the worst of all worlds. Sod that.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:00

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 15:59

Taking food to someone else’s really is the pits it’s the worst of both worlds. As least if you flog to someone else’s house and put up with their weirdness but the plus side is you don’t have to cook etc and get hosted . Here op gets the worst of all worlds. Sod that.

I think she’s worried she will be hungry.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 16:01

TheaBrandt · 04/12/2023 15:59

Taking food to someone else’s really is the pits it’s the worst of both worlds. As least if you flog to someone else’s house and put up with their weirdness but the plus side is you don’t have to cook etc and get hosted . Here op gets the worst of all worlds. Sod that.

That really depends on whether you think not having to cook but not getting any decent food is better or worse than having a nice meal but having to bring and cook it yourself, doesn't it?

MeridianB · 04/12/2023 16:02

Can you not just visit for Boxing Day instead? And do you have to stay? Two hours is manageable if you each drive one way.

Presumably they’re sloshed half the time?