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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

630 replies

Kiwilime · 02/12/2023 22:22

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

OP posts:
ifIwerenotanandroid · 04/12/2023 16:05

And my joke was in pretending it even matters to a “middle class MNetter. “

It was a very well-disguised joke.

Go well. No further correspondence will be entered into.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:07

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 16:01

That really depends on whether you think not having to cook but not getting any decent food is better or worse than having a nice meal but having to bring and cook it yourself, doesn't it?

Show quote history

She could always take a heat up thing anyway. I only suggested ( dare I even say it?) the hideously middle class tartiflette (!🤪) because it’s really filling and warming.

SerafinasGoose · 04/12/2023 16:10

ifIwerenotanandroid · 04/12/2023 15:42

Actually if one were “ in the know” as far as “ middle class concerns” go, one would realise that peacocks should ideally not be given any variety of bread product so that was unlikely to have been said by a bona fide peacock owner.

You're correct, she's not a bona fide peacock owner. But she has bona fide peacocks in the bona fide garden of her bona fide cottage. It's just that nobody knows to whom the peacocks properly belong, because they're shared by the whole village & visit all sorts of gardens. The peacocks (& hens) have bred successfully, so they don't seem to have been harmed by being fed bona fide brioche.

The joke is in appearing to be a terribly middle class peacock owner by what she said.

Not to worry, @ifIwerenotanandroid - the rest of us got it. However:

Peacock owners tend to be the UPPER classes, dahling! You know the sort: the owners of stately homes and the estate with the pheasant shoot abutting the neighbouring village. You're missing a trick ...

Even so, the solemn injunction as to what to feed them or not to feed them is adding to the increasing comedic value of this thread. It will be gin-soaked raisins next.

NB. With suitably red face I confess that we actually do have feral peacocks in this neck of the woods. I'll get me coat ...

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 16:11

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:07

She could always take a heat up thing anyway. I only suggested ( dare I even say it?) the hideously middle class tartiflette (!🤪) because it’s really filling and warming.

Show quote history

I'm a big fan of tartiflette but not sure it is the answer to a lack of vegetables for Christmas Dinner!

JenniferBooth · 04/12/2023 16:21

Since the winter of 2021 my dad has used a small blow heater in a three bedroom house Despite owning own home having a decent working heating system and a decent private pension. I dont know how my mum feels about it but according to DB "its their choice" DM is 87 and used to cook lavish Christmas dinners but her health doesnt permit her to do this anymore. DM has always been generous so i suspect the heating thing is DFs doing There is no way i could go over there and cook It would be impossible as she would hover and helicopter. Its the heating that bothers me more. When i went over there just over two weeks ago it was freezing. A small square blow heater does not touch the sides in a three bedroom house.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:28

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 16:11

I'm a big fan of tartiflette but not sure it is the answer to a lack of vegetables for Christmas Dinner!

Show quote history

No I agree, it isn’t really. But it is filling. And warm. Honestly, it wasn’t meant in ill will, or to have OP skating over a stove in service of her husband and in-laws. I was genuinely trying to think how would I get through the ordeal feeling full and satiated and a bit warm.

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:28

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:28

No I agree, it isn’t really. But it is filling. And warm. Honestly, it wasn’t meant in ill will, or to have OP skating over a stove in service of her husband and in-laws. I was genuinely trying to think how would I get through the ordeal feeling full and satiated and a bit warm.

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Slaving over a hot stove. Though skating might be more like it …

Naptrappedmummy · 04/12/2023 16:47

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:28

No I agree, it isn’t really. But it is filling. And warm. Honestly, it wasn’t meant in ill will, or to have OP skating over a stove in service of her husband and in-laws. I was genuinely trying to think how would I get through the ordeal feeling full and satiated and a bit warm.

Show quote history

Oh just ignore. Part of the ‘I’m SO not middle class, look, I take the piss out of middle class things’ that middle class posters do on here. I didn’t know what a tartiflette is, I had to look it up, whereas they all seemed to know…!

ilovesushi · 04/12/2023 16:50

Never heard of tartiflette before. Sounds good. I shall have to try it though not a clue what reblochon cheese is or where to buy it! Will cheddar do?

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:53

Naptrappedmummy · 04/12/2023 16:47

Oh just ignore. Part of the ‘I’m SO not middle class, look, I take the piss out of middle class things’ that middle class posters do on here. I didn’t know what a tartiflette is, I had to look it up, whereas they all seemed to know…!

Show quote history

Yes a bit of that, but I think really they are more wound-up because I’m suggesting a low-conflict approach. 🥱

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:59

ilovesushi · 04/12/2023 16:50

Never heard of tartiflette before. Sounds good. I shall have to try it though not a clue what reblochon cheese is or where to buy it! Will cheddar do?

Asda!!

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 17:02

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 16:59

Asda!!

Show quote history

Cheddar is a bit too blankety but ok.

Startingagainandagain · 04/12/2023 17:04

I would not go.

They should not be inviting people if they are not willing to provide a decent environment and food.

If money is not the issue then there is no excuse for their stingy behaviour.

Stay at home, invite them to come to yours instead if you feel generous.

I would be blunt with them and say that you have been struggling with their cold home and the lack of food.

CantGetDecentNickname · 04/12/2023 17:27

Turfwars · 04/12/2023 14:30

One year when I was in my early 20s I won a raffle prize of a big ham. Given I was in a flat-share I brought it home to my family on Christmas Eve where it didn't go to waste.

Could you 'win' a Christmas shop in a raffle and bring it to avoid wasting it - Turkey and ham, all the trimmings and treats... surely with their stingy ways they would approve of you using it up?

This. I'd get a nice looking hamper and say that you had to bring it or it would go to waste. I'd also bring electric blankets/heaters or look as staying in a nearby B&B as you didn't want them to have have the bother of preparing rooms and beds for you. Let us know how you get on.

saraclara · 04/12/2023 17:45

LookItsMeAgain · 04/12/2023 14:13

@Kiwilime - I have read the whole thread and what I would like to add to the suggestion of you still going is this.
You've mentioned that your MiL insists that she'll do the cooking and her meagre cooking/portions...well, you can be equally insistent that you will not hear of her cooking for Christmas, you absolutely insist on doing the cooking this year and you've already got a turkey & ham on order. You'll pre-cook the ham and bring it down with you but you'll need to cook the turkey as soon as you arrive.

Bring everything you want with you - turkey, ham, condiments, side dishes (various types of potatoes, stuffing, Yorkshire puddings) the works and just go in and say "I'm here and I'm cooking" and tell her to put her feet up!
She might think she has had her nose put out of joint by you doing this but do you know something - she'll have a huge dinner out of it too! So in my world that is a win all around!!!

Become bubbly and vivacious and just not accept her doing the cooking. Make sure that your DH is on the same page with you so he doesn't try to intervene in a negative way.

Edited

I'm just imagining a MIL who doesn't approve of her DIL's catering turning up and taking over her kitchen and her Christmas meal as recommended above. Now that OP would set mumsnet aflame.

Seriously, there are some absolutely barking posts on this thread.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 17:49

saraclara · 04/12/2023 17:45

I'm just imagining a MIL who doesn't approve of her DIL's catering turning up and taking over her kitchen and her Christmas meal as recommended above. Now that OP would set mumsnet aflame.

Seriously, there are some absolutely barking posts on this thread.

Show quote history

If the DIL in question admitted that her catering consisted of meat and potatoes with no veg because she doesn't like them and that for the rest of the Christmas period they just eat cheese on toast and bran flakes then people would side with the MIL.

TheBerry · 04/12/2023 19:06

I’d be tempted to just bring eeeeeverything and cook the entire dinner just to show them what it should be like and make a point.

But obviously you can’t do that.

SGANDRUE · 04/12/2023 19:07

Why do we think we have to endure other people's shite so that we don't hurt their feelings, but then suffer instead, while they go on their merry way oblivious. Stay home.

LizM66 · 04/12/2023 19:08

Tell them got COVID. Stay at home and enjoy

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 19:16

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 17:49

If the DIL in question admitted that her catering consisted of meat and potatoes with no veg because she doesn't like them and that for the rest of the Christmas period they just eat cheese on toast and bran flakes then people would side with the MIL.

Show quote history

But would they Margot? I have a hunch there’s a few would say it was their “ right” to eat what they “ f’ing well want” in their own house and MIL can “ go f herself.” Ironically, they would be predominantly the same ones prodding OP to tell MIL her to stick her substandard catering.

MargotBamborough · 04/12/2023 19:28

Calliopespa · 04/12/2023 19:16

But would they Margot? I have a hunch there’s a few would say it was their “ right” to eat what they “ f’ing well want” in their own house and MIL can “ go f herself.” Ironically, they would be predominantly the same ones prodding OP to tell MIL her to stick her substandard catering.

Show quote history

Really?

So the AIBU goes like this.

"My MIL hasn't come to ours for Christmas for five years and she's finally agreed to come this year after making excuses for the last few years. Fine. But she keeps suggesting she brings a bloody turkey or cheese or vegetables and god knows what else and I don't want it. On Christmas Day we eat a three bird roast from Lidl that I have in the freezer and ready made roast potatoes cooked from frozen and a bit of gravy. That's been good enough for our family for the last however many Chrismases but apparently it's not good enough for MIL. The rest of the time we just eat normal food like toast and cereal and she just turns her nose up at everything, she's hungry, it's too cold, honestly I'm dreading her visit already. They offered to host but I don't want to travel to where they live and I prefer to stay in my own home. But she seems to think she's entitled to take over my kitchen making her bloody vegetables. AIBU or should she just be grateful? A Christmas dinner without carrots or sprouts won't bloody kill her and neither will putting a jumper on."

Do you really think anybody is going to be on the side of the DIL?

NoCloudsAllowed · 04/12/2023 19:40

JenniferBooth · 04/12/2023 16:21

Since the winter of 2021 my dad has used a small blow heater in a three bedroom house Despite owning own home having a decent working heating system and a decent private pension. I dont know how my mum feels about it but according to DB "its their choice" DM is 87 and used to cook lavish Christmas dinners but her health doesnt permit her to do this anymore. DM has always been generous so i suspect the heating thing is DFs doing There is no way i could go over there and cook It would be impossible as she would hover and helicopter. Its the heating that bothers me more. When i went over there just over two weeks ago it was freezing. A small square blow heater does not touch the sides in a three bedroom house.

Edited

That sounds miserable. They'd probably be happier in a purpose built, well insulated block of flats with people around and less house maintenance.

NoCloudsAllowed · 04/12/2023 19:43

I think if you're fond of them, I'd go with cheeseboard and veg as suggested BUT have your own fake Christmas at home on 28th or something where you blow out all the stops.

Christmas dinner without veg is unthinkable. Do they not eat veg usually? Are they malnourished?

BowlOfNoodles · 04/12/2023 19:43

I wouldn't be going

Crafthead · 04/12/2023 19:48

Not unreasonable, but almost guaranteed to start a row.