To stop tight inlaws cooking sad Xmas dinner

[Kiwilime]

Inlaws are early 70s, they're pretty wealthy but so TIGHT. At Christmas their priority is booze. The last time we went to theirs for Christmas we stayed for a few days. MIL was banging on for weeks about all the prep she was doing and how she couldn't wait. Told us explicitly not to bring a thing (we did still bring a few bits including a tub of chocolates we never saw again). But they had barely any food in the house. Bottles and bottles of wine and sherry. But nothing to actually eat, and no Christmas treats, except for a bowl of about 4 humbugs (ironically) in the hallway. We basically ate bran flakes and cheese on toast for four days. Xmas Dinner was sparse (no vegetables because MIL doesn't like them) and all value freezer stuff. It was a bit sad tbh. If that's all you can afford then of course that's fine, but if you're rich and having guests over, I don't understand why you'd serve people that? I'm from a much poorer background and if we had guests we'd at least offer them chocolates/biscuits, and make an effort over Christmas dinner. They're also anal about heating and have a very strict schedule and only heat certain rooms - basically being both hungry and freezing cold is not my idea of a nice Christmas.

So I've offered to bring the turkey/meat and even offered to cook dinner this year, and do some veg, but MIL insists on cooking her usual stuff because that's what they've done for 40 odd years. I've offered to do a nice cheeseboard or a dessert, but even that's been declined.

I've had a shit year and don't want an unecessary Dickensian Christmas. AIBU to bring meat, veg etc for Xmas day and just start cooking?

What on earth is back-bending emotional labour? It’s making a warm gratin as it might help ensure she is satiated and not cold and hungry. I’ve actually decided to do one for us this year too as it’s completely delicious. Honestly, some people obviously live in dark, bitter little mental crevices …

I don't think it's making a potato gratin that is being described as back bending emotional labour, so much as going to such extreme lengths to ensure that the potato gratin is not seen as any sort of comment on the inadequacy of the PIL's hosting.

@Calliopespa The back-bending emotional labour is the pretence that you just brought it along to help out, rather than point out that the 'hosts' have the hosting ability and willingness of a bedbug, when you actually bought it along so you and your family don't go hungry.

The sheer level of effort you have suggested OP goes to in order to make her deeply unpleasant sounding inlaws feel comfortable, when they clearly do not wish to raise a finger to ensure her comfort, borders on misogyny. Often these threads descend into a (sometimes unhelpful) chorus of 'you have a DH problem', but this is so, so much worse.

The level of dishonesty involved to the 'hosts' by doing what you have suggested, is actually quite patronising (ageist?), bordering on manipulative too.

The lack of veg and such sounds terrible but its hardly Aunt Bessie fault.

To paraphrase the Britney kid... LEAVE BESSIE ALONE.

IKR? The OP said it was value freezer items. Aunt Bessies is not value freezer items.

Well you could just say you think they are shitty hosts but quite honestly I find it easier to be vaguely polite and not feel like a foul-mouthed aggressive old hag. I think you will find the number of words involved in the “back-breaking” effort of not being insulting is about the same. And don’t try to elevate plain old bog standard insults to “ not being manipulative.”

OP has said they are nice people generally and they all get on well. Her DH wants to go. So why drag the relationship into the mud over a meal?

… oh that’s right because trying not to have Christmas Day turn into a slanging match is manipulative. Worse still, if she has her DH’s feelings anywhere within sight of consideration she’s a misogynist. 🤔

@Calliopespa do you not think that perhaps there is a middle way between being a 'foul-mouthed aggressive old hag' and somebody with a pathological need to people please, even when those said people are being rude hosts?

I have come clean with previous posts on my position on this, as the DIL of similarly miserable Scrooges with whom I have had many a miserable Christmas. I did all of the turning up with half the food (or running out to get more food to feed people when it ran out) to ensure my DH got to see his parents at Christmas and everything was 'fair', for many, many years.

Until the unfairness of the situation on me became so untenable that I am now v low contact with my MIL, and won't be seeing her this Christmas. I'm relieved, my DH is very sad, and I am quite bitter that our society's expectation of emotional labour placed on DILs is so overwhelming, that it gave my DH (and to a degree my ILs) an unrealistic expectation of how a relationship could be sustained.

The suggestion that somebody dance around with a tartiflette claiming it is just a side dish, so they don't go hungry at Christmas, but don't make their horrible hosts aware of the fact, is the absolute epitome of damaging expectations of women in familial relationships. You are not being as nice as you think you are.

It's not being a "foul-mouthed aggressive old hag" ??? to say, "I've brought a potato gratin, some ready to cook vegetable sides, a cheese board and a chocolate log because these are the things we like to eat at Christmas".

It's also not lying or pretending that their piss poor approach to hosting is absolutely fine.

@MargotBamborough This is exactly it, and what I did for many years.

That didn't work either, FWIW.

You're right.

And for all the OP is the one wringing her hands on Mumsnet about how to ensure she doesn't have a miserable Christmas without offending her in laws, and getting all shades of advice from "don't go" to "suck it up", her husband is the one who should be saying, "Mum, Dad, we'll be coming for Christmas as planned but PLEASE PLEASE can you push the boat out a bit more than usual. I'm not expecting miracles, but refusing to put the radiators on or cook any vegetables because you don't like vegetables is kind of embarrassing. You shouldn't be refusing OP's offers to bring extra food unless you plan to provide it yourself. She was trying to find a polite way of saying we actually want to eat nice food at Christmas, and plenty of it. You've put her in an awkward position by refusing."

Aaaah! Now we get the back story. I knew there must be something triggering that a gratin unaccompanied by the snide ” because you don’t know how to host” comment could cause such an outburst. I’m simply not approaching it at an “agenda driven level” but rather trying to think how OP could have a nice warm meal given the constraint they have said no to meat and seem not to like veg. I don’t love every detail about my IL and I’m sure they don’t about me. But we respect each other ( and I’m sorry it sounds as though yours didn’t) and, like OPs we get on generally. And my DH does the same with mine. Does that make him misogynistic? I’m sorry you were treated unappreciatively- and it sounds as though you were. But I genuinely think OPs relationship might not be at that breakdown point and, provided she isn’t freezing and starving, she might be happy enough not to stir things up . As I say, my approach was practical not pitched at the level of misogyny, manipulation or any other undercurrents. Her ILs might just be clueless with food: some people are. And to be honest our house is old and cold and we get used to it.

You are right, @MargotBamborough, in a functional family that would be the exact right approach and probably resolve the issue.

The problem is, that a lot of these situations are clearly well above the pay grade of the average MN crowd. The OP has inferred the ILs are functional alcoholics, and also deeply controlling (as alcoholics often are). This has been somewhat glossed over in this thread.

It is highly unlikely that a man brought up by these parents is somebody who is confident voicing his own desires and needs, or even knowing what they actually are. Particuarly around family, and particuarly around potential conflict. The failure to recognise this exemplifies the inappropriateness of the MN crowd for advising in these situations, IMO.

The in laws don’t seem bothered about offending her! All this people pleasing is ALWAYS so one way! Totally agree with user and Margaret.

Look, it's very simple.

We are talking about Christmas Dinner. Frozen meat and potatoes and no other veg is absolutely piss poor. If that's what you offer your guests on Christmas Day, you're a bad host.

If your guests know that you're a bad host and for whatever reason they are still willing to come to you on Christmas Day but they start offering to bring this or that, you need to have the self awareness to say, "oh yes thanks, that would be lovely" even if YOU personally don't like sprouts or carrots, because hosting is about making your guests have a nice time, not just doing what you want.

The OP shouldn't be tiptoeing around in this situation. She doesn't need to find a creative way of ensuring that she gets a proper meal on Christmas Day without offending her bad hosts. She knows what the deal is, that if she doesn't bring her own food she'll be hungry and if she doesn't put the radiators on she'll be cold. So she either needs to not go, in which case her in laws will be offended and her husband will be sad, or she needs to bring her own food and put the radiators on, and if her in laws object to that we can safely assume that they actively want her to have a miserable time at Christmas, in which case sod them.

Well you don’t know: they may have turned their boiler from 1 to 2! 😂 I didn’t get the impression OP feels there is a deep one way issue, just that they are eccentric and a bit tight fisted. Some people are. But it doesn’t mean it’s all one way on every front: that would be a whole other post. I raise my hands in surrender on the functional alcoholic business; I’m not honestly sure .

I raise my hands in surrender on the functional alcoholic business; I’m not honestly sure.

Well done. Do you think that with that in mind you might reflect on how appropriate it is for you to offer your 'advice' to OP? That perhaps, the dynamics here are a little bit more complex than you have assumed, or have the capacity to advise on?

'It is highly unlikely that a man brought up by these parents is somebody who is confident voicing his own desires and needs, or even knowing what they actually are'

Very perceptive, and I imagine, spot on in this situation. I don't think there is anything wrong with what @MargotBamborough suggested he say, but I know there is just no way I could say any of that to my parents, for example. There is often 'a script' in dysfunctional families, and everyone is expected to play a certain role. OP's in laws sound like functional alcoholics, so it's hugely likely there's quite a lot of dysfunction in the relationships between them, and their son, and the OP.

It's hard to explain all of this to people who grew up in fairly normal / usual / typical (insert word of choice) families. Stuff that is supposed to be universally valued in families, like honesty, empathy, kindness, generosity are often just not part of 'the script' in some families. I'm not saying that OP should just put up with her IL's Christmas, because it sounds truly miserable, but it's not as simple as just speak up and all will be sorted, especially so close to Christmas

No you don't! You're an adult with autonomy over your own life.

Thats entirely possible. It also just might not be as complicated as the world you assume. That’s for OP to figure out, give her the credit for that ability to filter and sort. But she posted asking is it reasonable to turn up and cook anyway. She obviously had her doubts: you reply from your perspective and I’ll reply from mine. Is that allowed User??

I think this is a fairly typical thread showing the Mn mentality that either somebody is a perfect person through and through, or their minor faults must be extrapolated into a backstory proving they are manipulative narcissistic abusers.

OP has said herself that aside from crap hosting skills they generally get along. She’s certainly said nothing about them oppressing their son, preventing him from voicing his ‘needs’ (🙄 ) or being toxic. This kind of overwhelmingly dramatic reaching looks utterly mad and borderline hysterical, not ‘perceptive’.

I’m also willing to bet a tenner the posters chanting ‘Get DH to put them straight!’ would never be as confident or assertive at telling a relative their food is shite or that they’re bad hosts as they make out they would. All very easy over the Internet.

Lastly with this kind of combative attitude it does not surprise me in the slightest that so many posters complain about being lonely, having no friends, being NC with half their family or that they ‘can’t stand people in general’. Their prerogative of course but maybe bear in mind some people do like having family and friend relationships and are not willing to upset their loved ones over a crap roast dinner once every 5 years. It isn’t weak or passive to simply let minor things go now and then for the sake of peace/family/friendship. It must be utterly draining being as outraged and confrontational as some of the posters on here!

OP I hope you manage a nice Christmas Day regardless of the freezer tapas and manage to smuggle some snacks in! Only 5 years until the next one (maybe invite them round that year?!)

I would feel ok about turning up with tons of extra food and would just say “oh I couldn’t turn up empty handed after you’ve been SO kind to host”.

Is it a bit rude? Yes but they are being pretty weird so I think it’s entirely justified.

And take emergency snacks for your bedroom and maybe a hot water bottle too!

Flip it the other way round then.

If it were your parents and you knew their hosting was crap, would you just sit there passively and let your husband and kids be cold and hungry at Christmas? Or would you try to take charge somehow?

There is always plenty of food at my parents' house but my mum doesn't cook at all and my dad sometimes cooks weird things and is starting to get very slow.

If we are staying with them I usually volunteer to cook several meals myself, I take over a large part of the food shopping, or if I can see my dad daydreaming when he's supposed to be cooking or fumbling with saucepans I say, "Come on Dad, let me chop that onion for you!" or "I don't think that's going to be enough spaghetti for six people, don't forget we tend to eat a lot more than you!" or "I need some green veg with this meal and I want my kids to eat some too, I'm going to get some peas out of the freezer." I'm also quite blunt about timings and say I'm going to take over preparing this meal because it needs to be on the table by 7 otherwise my toddler will have a meltdown.

I am wondering why the OP's husband doesn't do this rather than letting his family be hungry and cold.

If you absolutely can’t get out of it, just turn up with all the nice food -‘ ooh, can’t let you shoulder all the burden, let me help - it’s Christmas after all! Son loves these mince pies / cakes / sprouts / whatever - can’t have him missing out on his faves at Christmas!!’ Just blunder through, eating & drinking as you go!!
And take an electric blanket to plug in at bed time!!