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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

386 replies

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:52

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

OP posts:
Birdcar · 02/12/2023 16:36

I think they are being very inhospitable. They can eat whatever they like but you are an invited guest. They know don't fast 11 hours during the day. They should have had food for you.

flowerchild2000 · 02/12/2023 16:40

Always! I make or buy something special for guests, no matter the time of day. It's called being hospitable. I wonder if your in-laws have trouble affording groceries? If not their eating habits do sound strange. If I'm hungry while out I will eat my kids' leftover snacks! It's easy to forget to eat when you're taking care of young children.

Differentstarts · 02/12/2023 16:41

Why are people on mumsnet so uncomfortable at their friends and families homes. Can't you just go make yourself a sandwich or something

FourteenTog · 02/12/2023 16:42

Do they eat garlic? Where are mirrors placed in their household?

Panicking23 · 02/12/2023 16:42

I'd hate for any family member to sit in my house starving! Every visitor is offered tea/coffee/biscuits. Family members and friends are thankfully comfortable enough to either help themselves to anything or mention they're hungry and we'll always make a sandwich/toastie or bring a meal forward if they're staying for it.

Pluvia · 02/12/2023 16:44

Differentstarts · 02/12/2023 16:41

Why are people on mumsnet so uncomfortable at their friends and families homes. Can't you just go make yourself a sandwich or something

Op has explained that her MIL doesn't want her in the kitchen: even offers to refill water bottle for her so that OP doesn't go into the kitchen. And OP's parents are hot on punctuality and stopping at MDs would have made them late.

OP, you say your husband is amazing, but why didn't he, seeing how busy you were getting the children together to go on the visit, make some sandwiches for you in the car? So many people here blaming you for not looking after yourself, but who's looking after you?

Noicant · 02/12/2023 16:47

If I had family visiting I would have assumed they would eat something while there and would have something in regardless of whether I was eating or not or what time it was.

I don’t eat breakfast but I appreciate everyone else does. If someone was breastfeeding especially I would have made sure I checked to make sure I had in something she would want. I think thats just being hospitable.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 02/12/2023 16:48

Can't you take food with you and just make it there?

MercyIsEliminated · 02/12/2023 16:51

I always offer something to guests, a meal (no matter the time of day) or a snack of some kind if they don’t want a full meal. I think it’s partly cultural (Jewish), feeding people is so deeply ingrained in the culture. Not because it’s “good manners” but because it’s an expression of hospitality and care.

Since you know about your in-laws’ habits, it really is your responsibility to fend for yourself. I’m glad you have fortified yourself with a panini, banana, etc. but I’m shocked you ate them in the street! 😲 (Just kidding about that, in previous generations eating in the street was considered the height of bad manners. A silly rule that I hope has been abandoned by most.)

StrawberryJellyBelly · 02/12/2023 16:53

Wouldn't matter what time of day or if it was a planned visit or unplanned, you would always be offered food and drink in my House

Mine also. No one would ever go home hungry, thirsty or feeling as If they weren’t worth something to eat.

UsingChangeofName · 02/12/2023 16:54

I agree, if I had guests arriving at 2pm and they'd travelled any distance, then I would know they'd travelled over lunchtime and probably wouldn't have eaten, and would check

People are making up their own narrative here.
OP might live 10 mins from her in-laws.
I'm pretty sure if she lived 2 or 3 hours away, she would have mentioned that.

It still doesn't negate the fact that she knows there won't be food there before the evening meal, and she still chose to turn up at the house, not having eaten anything that day despite all the options she had.

sixteenfurryfeet · 02/12/2023 16:54

If we were hosting guests who were travelling for some distance and arriving at 2, then I'd assume that they wouldn't have had lunch. I'd make sure there was something for them to eat.

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 16:55

This is insane. So you ate a panini, a bag of crisps and a banana and also bought 2 full bags of other food, all to survive a couple or hours at your in laws?

I don't think your in-laws are the ones with a food problem

cherrychapstickk · 02/12/2023 16:57

OP the general consensus on my thread yesterday about my two very young children being offered food over a nearly 5 hour period was that I was unreasonable so you as an adult have no chance 😂

PuppyMonkey · 02/12/2023 16:57

This is fascinating - so you’ve gone for a visit at the requested time of 2pm and you’re on MN while sitting there with them? And then you’ve gone out to buy food and eaten some food on the street? What did they say about you going out? It’s all very weird frankly!?

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 16:57

Also "come at 2" is a pretty clear message. It means "we aren't inviting you for lunch, and we are also inviting you early enough to make sure we don't need to give you dinner".

Sirzy · 02/12/2023 16:57

Where has the OP said she had some sort of mammoth journey to get there?

given her husband was able to take the children to soft play in the morning so they had hardly spent the whole day travelling!

Playdoughcaterpillar · 02/12/2023 16:58

Shame that at your in laws you can't just say I'm starving, can I make myself something? I would be raiding the cupboards and no one would mind. But it's odd you have missed two meals and turned up hungry when you know what they're like.

Lucytheloose · 02/12/2023 16:59

I'd always offer food to a guest-unless they turned up unannounced and/or I really wanted rid of them-but I would be a bit surprised if they hadn't got round to feeding themselves by early afternoon.

AdoraBell · 02/12/2023 16:59

Why would you need to secretly eat with breastfeeding?

Bertiesmum3 · 02/12/2023 17:02

Strange they’re rude with people eating in their house, yet the whole time you’re there you’re on your phone!!
Isn’t that more rude than eating??

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 17:03

i don’t eat breakfast but I appreciate everyone else does.

i think this is what it comes down to. Some people are unable to imagine the possible needs of others (eg ND), some are unwilling to do so (selfishness), and a further set is perfectly able to imagine those needs but chooses not to do so to gain or retain power - whether they can admit that to themselves or not.

I think this formula can be applied to most human interactions.

LaChienneDesFromages · 02/12/2023 17:03

I would consider it incredibly ill mannered not to offer food to guests, at any time of day. And I wouldn’t feel properly ‘welcomed’ into a home that didn’t, unless I was just dropping by for an impromptu coffee.

Between mealtimes, cake or biscuits. But most often a meal, big or small. I keep a small stock of little treats for unexpected guests. Feeding family and friends is one of the great pleasures of my life.

I agree this might be a cultural thing. As the child of a Jewish father and French mother food is simply offered. But I’ve found this to be true for other cultures too. I always knew not to eat much before the houses of Indian/ West African school friends.

In your position, I’d have sent DH out for hot food, or gone myself. Perhaps invited everyone to come for a late lunch. They’d get the hint, I imagine.

WinterDeWinter · 02/12/2023 17:03

Bertiesmum3 · 02/12/2023 17:02

Strange they’re rude with people eating in their house, yet the whole time you’re there you’re on your phone!!
Isn’t that more rude than eating??

Oh touché

lesdeluges · 02/12/2023 17:04

Next time plan to arrive at their dinnertime. Be interesting to see if they have lunch that day and decide on no dinner at 6pm, or sit like Jack Spratt and his wife and leave you hungry.

Be prepared with a stash at all times.