AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

[Lizziebest]

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

I was brought up to ask guests if they need anything, have they eaten, would they like a drink/snack etc etc. No matter what time they turn up. (I also take them at their word so if they say no thankyou, they'd better mean it as I won't push it!)

The OP isn't technically even a guest as such, shes fucking family, surely she should feel comfortable enough to ask for food, or go to the kitchen and make something quick/simple like toast/soup/cup of tea and a biscuit?

I would be ashamed of myself if my family/guests felt they could not ask/help themselves/eat in my home!

@Lizziebest Put an end to this stupid shit now - take food with you when you go there, if you need to eat before their pre-planned mealtimes, get up and say 'ok im going to make myself x, would anyone like anything' and then do that. Ignore MIL's looks or huffing, she will get over herself or if she REALLY can't abide others in her kitchen, she'll learn to ask and provide appropriately!

YANBU. They must realise that their eating habits are outwith the norm. Fine for them but it's odd not to have snacks available for people driving a considerable distance to visit, even if they don't normally have them in.

In our house, breakfast, lunch and dinner are offered as standard. Anyone popping in between those times would be offered tea/coffee/juice/cake/biscuits/crisps according to preference. And if anyone said "I'm hungry" to me and a biscuit wasn't going to cut it, I'd offer toasted cheese, scrambled eggs, a sandwich or start enumerating the contents of my cupboards, fridge and freezer. Both my mother/father and MIL/FIL would do the same.

The mumsnet consensus yesterday on the toddlers taken out by relatives for 5 hours and not given food or drink was that is perfectly normal and you should take your own if not. I'm clearly a feeder, would be offering drinks at home almost immediately and an excuse to have some treat food, ect.

I always offer food if people have travelled to get here. Otherwise might just be a biscuit or cake with tea or coffee.

HNRTFT…Am just on a work break ,I just find it odd that OP cannot just say ‘ I am really hungry,can I make a sandwich’ ? Other alternatives ,OP husband has a word with his parents about their bad manners , OP takes own food or eat beforehand 🤷‍♀️

Why do you leave yourself no time to eat? And even if you do why do you not stop on the way for a sandwich or a maccies or kfc or something like normal people who need to eat on a long journey? Or even, as a guest, stop at the nearest shop to buy them a box of chocolates/some flowers, and buy yourself a snack while you're at it, ate it in the car (5 mins to eat a sandwich, innit) then present them with the flowers when you get there, with your belly no longer rumbling.

I mean, what is so hard about looking after your own food needs? Are you not used to travelling any distances? Or are short of money so only stop for petrol or something?

You would expect your breastfeeding DIL to be responsible for her own snacks, when she's come to visit you with the grandchildren? Shame on you.

Does she live 20 mins away or 2 hours?

This is the type of attitude that leads to mothers of sons bemoaning the whole 'A daughter is a daughter all of your life; a son is a son until he takes a wife', thing, and wondering why their grown children don't come and visit them very much.

@Lizziebest

For the record I always offer food to my guests and my family do too but that doesn't change the fact you didn't eat before going to your in laws when you know how they are.

Yes people are different but this was down to poor planning on your part.

This is an odd thread.

I totally agree in principle hosts should feed guests, but adult guests should also take responsibility for their own needs. Choosing not to have breakfast and then choosing not to stop at a McDonalds for fear of upsetting the ILs when DH is the one to suggest it, is just odd. As is getting the hump because you're not offered a meal at 2pm.

You should come to Northern Ireland, it's the opposite problem when we go. If you visit people you get offered plates of food regardless of time of day or night.

One memorable time we visited my DGF and Duncle. I'd deliberately chosen early afternoon as the house hygiene wasn't great, only to be offered steaming bowls of Irish stew ( which I hate). Thankfully DH loves that sort of stuff and ploughed his way through several bowls of it.

After a NI visit I can't face a scone for months after being force fed them when visiting people.

Gosh this is so unwelcoming and joyless and basically poor manners on behalf of your ils op. They are not thinking of your wants or needs as a breastfeeding mother but assuming that you will fit in to their way of doing something.

The only exception to this would be if they are very hard up or something?

Why? Because these people want their guests to feel uncomfortable around food, as they are not comfortable around food, as they have ascribed moral value to food.

Weird food people are about as uncomfortable around other people's enjoyment of food, as prudes are around other people's enjoyment of sex. You can fulfil your biological functions (as far as THEY deem it necessary), but not in public please, and how desparately rude to talk about it.

I imagine OP would be about as welcome to go into the kitchen and make herself a sandwich as she would be to give her DH a blow job on the couch in the living room.

But you knew that didn't you, and you are just being obtuse.

They’re obviously weird but also shit hosts. Arriving at 2 and breastfeeding, I would ask if you’ve had lunch and make you something if not. And probably put some crisps out after. First thing my mum asks when I walk in her house is “are you hungry?” And I wouldn’t have it any other way

Weird be haviour IMO.

Tea and snacks would always be offered within 15 minutes of arriving and a sandwich, crackers, cheese etc., within two hours.

Dinner times would be established while checking was anyone peckish.

Both our families are big foodies so great food is always on offer everywhere....thank goodness.

Not offering any food is strange.

You need to firm up your boundaries now you have children.

They may not offer food but you need to be firm as to what suits you re visiting with children for eating meals etc.

See less of them if its an issue they refuse to be flexible about.

I am very much someone who needs to know where their next meal is coming from so if I'm going to visit someone I need to know what's up for grabs eg a full on cooked lunch or just nibbles for example. If I am at my parents I am quite comfortable in asking for snacks if I'm starving so I would expect your other half to ask if there is any food available. If not I think its fair enough to say just nipping out to buy a snack as I missed breakfast/lunch whatever.

Irish Granny and Welsh Nanna, they'd both have had my guts for garters if I didn't offer guests anything.

If I get invited to a buffet I will normally eat a meal before regardless just in case there isn't much I like on the buffet. Then anything is a bonus. Nothing worse than being hungry and trying to socialise.
If I invite people to mine for food I tend to have it ready immediately or well underway as I hate the thought of people sat there starving and looking at their watches wondering when the food is coming.

Who cares about what a person would do if they were Irish or Welsh? I'm French and if somebody came to my house at 2pm I would offer them a coffee. Does that help the debate?

Who asked you to care?

I don't get it. I would always offer tea, biscuits or cake if it's between meals. If you came to mine and said you'd not eaten I'd make you something or get you to help yourself. I ask at my mum's out of politeness and she always tells me not to be daft and just help yourself. My mil would make me something if I asked or allow me to help myself. They tend to eat much later but she's always aware that the kids and I eat earlier so always offers. I don't like the thought of a guest coming to mine and going hungry. I just wouldn't do it. I might not have fancy stuff in if guests are unannounced but I'd share whatever we have and in your case anyway, it was a planned visit.

Hoping for an update on what OP got for dinner?

Arriving somewhere at 2 (so, shortly after lunch time), I wouldn't expect to be offered food. Maybe biscuits with a cup of tea a few hours later.
But you knew what they were like so definitely could have just brought your own food or popped out to get something.

An update

Lots of ppl asking what was offered on arrival.

We walked in said hi, exchanged pleasantries, lovely greeting of grandkids. Mil said thanks for being on time (we have been late previously and it soured the mood) They asked how the traffic was DH replied saying it was okay but we had a busy morning and that I had skipped breakfast and lunch was there anything going? Fruit? MIL said well I'll be making a coffee at 3 and dinner will be at 6 as usual but she could refill both our water bottles. We then sat in living room they played with toddler and had general chit chat. They aren't terrible people tbh just weird about food, money and time. They were lovely to toddler and fussed over baby. DH had a black coffee at 3.

So dinner was at 6 it was a cheese and lettuce sandwich per person. DH asked if there was anything else she said she had nothing in after looking like she wanted to kill him prob thinks I put him up to it but I genuinely didn't. I was actually fine having eaten the Panini etc.

At 6.25 FIL said you'll be off now will you?

Driving home now DH is eating from my bag of snacks while I read this thread aloud to him. He is partly being defensive about his parents (it's a generational thing) and that he had sandwiches for dinner as a kid and partly agrees it's inhospitable.

No visit for a few months now but I will definitely never turn up unprepared.

I don't think that 2 is necessarily after lunch time.

Depend how long people are travelling I think.

If they were setting off at say 12 I'd be having lunch together when they arrived.