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Original poster

To feel RAGE against schools lack of care towards working parents?

654 replies

Stormy900 · 02/12/2023 07:42

I'm so, so angry!!!!
I'm a working parent.
I'm a nurse, so I can't WFH.
Why oh why oh why do primary schools set ALL their plays and productions during school hours when I, and so many other parents I know, are AT WORK!!!!
WHY don't schools factor this in????
My DC has a Christmas performance coming up and it is really important to him and to me that I'm there, it would fill my heart with absolute joy to see him. But school only informed us of the date 10 days ago. I have requested to take annual leave to attend it, but it has been refused by my manager because there are other colleagues on annual leave that day who have already requested, and I've been told my request is too short notice, but I've only recently been informed of the date by school. I'm absolutely heartbroken to not be able to attend. If I'd been given much more notice, I could have attended.
Also, another issue is HOW LITTLE NOTICE schools give parents about dates for events that parents are invited to. Sports day, parents being invited in to see DC's work and class displays, summer shows, Easter performances, class assemblies where my DC have speaking parts, and of course Christmas events. The school tells us no more than 2 weeks in advance maximum. Why?????
In my job, A/L has to be requested SIX WEEKS in advance because of staff rotas.
And don't get me started on children being given award certificates in assembly each week, which parents are invited to watch and the teachers TELL THE CHILDREN THEIR PARENTS ARE INVITED....they invite parents on the afternoon of THE DAY BEFORE THE CERTIFICATE ASSEMBLY!!!!
On Monday, school sent an email to me at 3pm, which I didn't pick up because I was managing a blood transfusion for a critically ill patient, so I picked it up later that day, as I can't access my emails as soon as they come in if I'm working. The invite was for 9am THE NEXT DAY!!!
There was no way I could attend at this level of short notice, as I was due to be at work the next morning, starting at 7am.
My little DD cried and cried. She said she wanted me there more than anything.
I have missed sooooooo many primary school events for my 2 DC because of horrific short notice from school. If I'd had dates in advance I could have attended them all.
WHY do schools do this???
They MUST KNOW what dates they're going to do events on. I simply refuse to believe they don't. They MUST have to plan their school calendar, activities, shows, performances, awards, in advance.
WHY do they assume all parents are eithet stay at home mothers or are in WFH jobs??
I'm SO angry!!!

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/12/2023 15:32

That's what happens when you choose a traditionally female job, especially when you work with children. Some parents genuinely think it's a privilege for you to spend time with their little darlings and don't understand why you might prefer to do something else in your spare time.

True. Although, anecdotally, a fellow teacher and friend of mine says that by far her worst experience of excessive overtime expectations (and of promotion opportunities being given only to those who volunteered for loads of out-of-hours stuff) was in a boys' school with mostly male staff, because they were all used to being able to stay late for school things because it was assumed they all had wives at home looking after their children. She also said it was a problem to take a day off if your own child was ill. 'Can't your wife stay at home? Oh... ummm... you are the wife.* Hmm

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 16:12

Maxus · 03/12/2023 08:53

It's the title that has wound me up. Schools lack of care for working parents. Schools are their to educate and care for the children during school hours, they are not there to provide evening entertainment for parents.

I agree. But in my work with children I would be sacked if I organised events that routinely left a few children crying.

MixMatch · 03/12/2023 16:21

@Stormy900 you're being unreasonable. There's no way the school didn't know the date in advance and put it in a newsletter or other communication since they would have tbeen practising for weeks for a school play. I expect you missed it because you were busy with your job and didn't check. Christmas is the same time each year, surely if you hadn't heard anything you'd proactively contact the school.in advance to ask when they're doing the play??

Put your family first and change shift patterns/job/stop working if you can afford to. Your children are only young once and it's upsetting for kids to have a parent who routinely isn't there for them for these kind of things because it sends the clear message to them that your job is more important than them.

RecoveryDue · 03/12/2023 16:42

MixMatch · 03/12/2023 16:21

@Stormy900 you're being unreasonable. There's no way the school didn't know the date in advance and put it in a newsletter or other communication since they would have tbeen practising for weeks for a school play. I expect you missed it because you were busy with your job and didn't check. Christmas is the same time each year, surely if you hadn't heard anything you'd proactively contact the school.in advance to ask when they're doing the play??

Put your family first and change shift patterns/job/stop working if you can afford to. Your children are only young once and it's upsetting for kids to have a parent who routinely isn't there for them for these kind of things because it sends the clear message to them that your job is more important than them.

Ridiculous post.

So should we have no nurses with school-age kids then?

Stupid sexist nonsense.

Sherrystrull · 03/12/2023 16:46

@mantzer

Right, so no end of term plays, no Christmas plays, no class assemblies and no trips. Heaven forbid a child might cry.

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 16:55

@Sherrystrull primary schools organise lots of things during the day and it is the same children who have no one there and get upset and cry. The schools do not give a shit about these children.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 03/12/2023 16:56

Our primary school used to be like this but has hugely improved in recent years.

We now get most dates at the start of the academic year for the whole year.

Sounds like your school is badly organised and / or poor at communication.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 03/12/2023 16:59

Sherrystrull · 03/12/2023 16:46

@mantzer

Right, so no end of term plays, no Christmas plays, no class assemblies and no trips. Heaven forbid a child might cry.

Totally shit answer.

It's not a choice between banning events or crying children. 😳

Schools should be finding ways to be inclusive.

Sherrystrull · 03/12/2023 17:03

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 16:55

@Sherrystrull primary schools organise lots of things during the day and it is the same children who have no one there and get upset and cry. The schools do not give a shit about these children.

What absolute bollocks. You have no idea.

When we know that a child won't have an adult at a Christmas play, we arrange for a sibling from a different year group to come or a known adult from elsewhere in the school to come and cheer them on. Don't assume school staff don't care.

SoupDragon · 03/12/2023 17:03

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 16:55

@Sherrystrull primary schools organise lots of things during the day and it is the same children who have no one there and get upset and cry. The schools do not give a shit about these children.

That is not the fault of the school.

perhaps there should be no sports day because the non sporty children get upset and cry
perhaps there should be no musical performances/plays because the children who are no good cry
perhaps there should be no Christmas/easter celebrations because of the non Christian/Jehovah's witness/etc children
Evening performances are out because of the single parents who can't get childcare for siblings

and so on.

SoupDragon · 03/12/2023 17:05

I wonder if the OP is so angry she is unable to come back to her thread?

Sherrystrull · 03/12/2023 17:06

@MissBuffyAnneSummers

I couldn't give a hoot what you think.

Sometimes children cry. Sometimes adults can't come to events. That's life. School staff spend a lot of time supporting children through these kind of things. Our job is to build resilience not to cancel everything case a child cries.

I can't actually believe there's posters who think school plays shouldn't happen in case a child is upset.

ithinkmyheadiscavingin · 03/12/2023 17:13

mantyzer · 02/12/2023 17:10

@LeggyLegsEleven I used to be support staff in a school. We were always treated worse than teachers. I would never do that job again.

That attitude has come back to bite a lot of schools really hard. Potential support staff can get the hours they want and better pay in a lot of stores around here, so schools can't get support staff and/or keep them any more. And they wonder why... even as they continue to treat them as lesser.

FeelingSoOverwhelmed · 03/12/2023 17:14

It's really unfair to say that schools don't care. My kids school did an open classroom morning back in August. I managed to go as it was on my day off (I'm lucky enough to work 4 days a week). The teachers got a pupil support assistant from another class to come in and get the kids who's parents couldn't be there to show them around their class and work. The teacher and assistant comforted the odd kid who cried. They're a bit shambolic and disorganised in some ways but I would NEVER have the cheek to say they don't care about the kids.

I still think saying kids are devastated/inconsolable is an overreaction. They might be disappointed - mine sometimes are still, but part of my job as a parent is to teach them that I love them and support them all the time, even when I'm not there physically. And that even when you're a bit sad about something, it's ok for that thing to go ahead.

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 17:16

Sherrystrull · 03/12/2023 17:06

@MissBuffyAnneSummers

I couldn't give a hoot what you think.

Sometimes children cry. Sometimes adults can't come to events. That's life. School staff spend a lot of time supporting children through these kind of things. Our job is to build resilience not to cancel everything case a child cries.

I can't actually believe there's posters who think school plays shouldn't happen in case a child is upset.

This is the attitude I encountered. Sometimes children cry. So we don't care if your child regularly gets upset at all the day time events we organise that they can never have a relative attend. It will build resilience.
Well no it does not. It just makes them sad in the case of one of my children made them stop wanting to go to school.

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 17:19

Anyway I will leave you to it. I knew quite clearly from school whose kids mattered.

FeelingSoOverwhelmed · 03/12/2023 17:22

@mantyzer that sounds really really extreme. As a parent and teacher I can't imagine there are that many events at school that every single parent goes to apart from 1 or 2? I'm sorry for the difficulties your DC had but it sounds like a bit more was involved than missing the odd class assembly or sports day.

Sherrystrull · 03/12/2023 17:23

@mantyzer

I've explained how my school support children who don't have a parent attending. My children don't have a parent attending things so it's close to home for me. We take that disappointment very seriously but know that cancelling it all together would be wrong.

I take offence at the suggestions schools don't care. When I talked about building resilience it was in reference to overcoming stage fright or managing to stay the night on a residential.

Hubblebubble · 03/12/2023 17:23

OP send a version of your post to the board of governors and offsted. Emphasis the poor/lack of communication.

mbosnz · 03/12/2023 17:28

My kids were at a fairly mediocre Kiwi school. Being a Kiwi school, 'suck it up buttercup' was the more likely response if a kid cried about something like a parent not attending (more nicely, more gently, but definitely, yeah, life's shit, them's the breaks kid vibes).

Then an earthquake hit us. Those teachers stayed at that school, despite their own children, families, and homes, until every last one of those children had been collected.

Don't tell me teachers don't care.

happydivorcee · 03/12/2023 17:31

Primary school teacher here (who has always missed her own children in school plays, sports day etc…)

We tried to book in an evening performance this year. Numerous complaints flooded in because children have X, Y, Z extra curricular clubs that have been paid for and parents don’t want them to miss these. One parent “raged” at my colleague and she spent the staff meeting afterwards fighting off tears.

Teacher's can’t fucking win!

mantyzer · 03/12/2023 17:32

@FeelingSoOverwhelmed the school had an event that parents were invited to almost every few weeks. It wasn't a case of a Christmas play and sports day.

Madsciencecovid2020 · 03/12/2023 17:33

I totally understand where you are coming from! I am a teacher and a parent and I have missed probably every awards event , school play etc. I cannot take time out from teaching other kids to see my kids achievements! On the odd time I have asked for time off my school have been less than helpful. I have had the night before text message of your child has an award please come to assembly at 9am and it is frustrating.
Schools can definitely do more to give better notice to parents and given I have worked in the private and state sector it is the same in both.

QuietBear · 03/12/2023 17:37

I don't disagree with any of the points made about the short notice.

I teach primary and have primary aged children, so I see it and experience it, from both sides. I would discuss with the school and ask for all dates to be released in September.

However, we have lots of parents that scream and shout about not being informed of x, y & z and it's all our fault that their child is now upset- it's never the case. And when we point out the 5 different ways it was advertised we're told "I. HAVE. A JOB! I haven't got time to read your constant messages!"

As far as after-hours productions go, no thanks. I've got my own children I want to spend time with.

ThatsGoingToHurt · 03/12/2023 17:40

My DC school used to produce diary dates at the start of every term (with a caveat that dates may change) so that working parents could play things in. Now there is a new head this doesn’t happen so we get 3 days notice if lucky or messages on the Monday saying can you bring in X for the harvest festival assembly this week (yes but what day is the assembly???)