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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend right to be upset with me??

131 replies

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 11:21

Just wanting to get a little objective view from others on this.

Basically, I've upset my friend, and I'm trying to figure out if I'm the asshole.

So, the story. There are 3 of us. Two of us live in the same city and the third friend (friend 2) lives about 4hrs away. It had been planned that myself and friend 1 would drive to visit friend 2 so that we could split the cost of fuel etc, and as I very rarely drive long distance I was anxious doing the drive for the first time and appreciated the company.

All was good until friend 1 got sick and had to pull out of the get together. Friend 2 then asked if I'd still be coming to visit, and I said that I wouldn't and explained why – anxious driving the distance alone & having to cover the entire cost myself.

This apparently wasn't a reasonable excuse, and said I had kicked them when they were down as they were already feeling isolated and lonely.

I apologised and suggested we have a watch party online, or a catch up on the phone and rearrange our get together for January but I've been ghosted instead.

Part of me feels bad, but the other half is trying to honour my reasons and stick by my boundaries. AIBU?

OP posts:
CrunchyCarrot · 01/12/2023 11:24

I don't think you are BU OP. You have your own personal anxiety issues and they are just as real as what your friend is going through. You did suggest valid alternatives so I feel your friend is the unreasonable one here.

TheWetBandits · 01/12/2023 11:27

I think on the face of it YANBU but I'd ask how often you guys boast her vs your friend 2 coming to see you?

I say this as my friend also hates driving and lives 2 hours away. It's not that much of a distance but it is ALWAYS me driving to see her. Or we meet half way in a town that is super dull.

It can be frustrating to always be the one driving. The one time she said she would, she backed out the morning of as it was raining. I ended up cancelling my lunch booking and driving to meet her half way...again

The above may not apply to you but worth considering if it does

Riverlee · 01/12/2023 11:27

I think you have reasonable explanations. I get she’s disappointed, but you did suggest alternatives.

Could one of you travel on the train to the other, or meet half way ? (Either via car or train).

TheWetBandits · 01/12/2023 11:28

*boast should be visit

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/12/2023 11:33

I think it depends how much notice she got, and also the balance of how you all normally meet up.

If I'd prepared to host, cleaned the house, made beds, planned meals, perhaps even got food in, I'd be quite annoyed at my friend dropping out. If that was on top of a relationship that already felt unequal, then I can see why she'd be pissed off.

anon2134 · 01/12/2023 11:34

You could have met 1/2 way or one gets train to the other.

Did friend 2 know the visit was only going ahead if friend who lives closer could also go?

I can see why friend 2 was disappointed.

Original poster
lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 11:35

TheWetBandits · 01/12/2023 11:27

I think on the face of it YANBU but I'd ask how often you guys boast her vs your friend 2 coming to see you?

I say this as my friend also hates driving and lives 2 hours away. It's not that much of a distance but it is ALWAYS me driving to see her. Or we meet half way in a town that is super dull.

It can be frustrating to always be the one driving. The one time she said she would, she backed out the morning of as it was raining. I ended up cancelling my lunch booking and driving to meet her half way...again

The above may not apply to you but worth considering if it does

We've visited once before, it's definitely not as often as I'd like but I'm the only one with a DD and OH is military, so finding myself with a child free weekend is hard to come by.

My friend visits maybe 1/2 times a year, but this is to visit family who lives in the same city, so they usually combine the two and pop in for a catch up & go again.

OP posts:
NewIdeasToday · 01/12/2023 11:37

If I was your friend I’d be upset as well.

Don’t let your life be hemmed in by minor anxieties. Surely the best way to overcome anxiety about driving that distance is just to to it? Once you’ve done it once it will be easy the next time.

Fionaville · 01/12/2023 11:37

Your friend is being unreasonable. You haven't done anything wrong.

squeekychicken · 01/12/2023 11:41

I think your reasons are valid. Can you friend come to you?

Gillyyy · 01/12/2023 11:41

I think if you were already planning on driving that distance, it’s maybe harder for your friend to understand why you can’t drive without your friend as it doesn’t sound like you were sharing the driving?

Have you had any help or support for anxiety? I am not the most confident driver still but I’ve had therapy as I took on a job that involved some long distance driving for a while. Although I will still feel pangs of nerves sometimes driving somewhere new, I am much more confident in my ability. It sounds like you could use some support as it is affecting your life.

Original poster
lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 11:43

also to add that while meeting half way would have been a good idea, the plan was to stay with them for the weekend. So I don't think either of us considered meeting half way.

The cost was also another issue. The reason for driving was the cost of the train, it was around £80 return which with Christmas so soon, was not an option.

And in terms of timeframe, we cancelled on Tuesday. We were meant to be traveling this evening.

OP posts:
Poppyseed14 · 01/12/2023 11:46

NewIdeasToday · 01/12/2023 11:37

If I was your friend I’d be upset as well.

Don’t let your life be hemmed in by minor anxieties. Surely the best way to overcome anxiety about driving that distance is just to to it? Once you’ve done it once it will be easy the next time.

Clearly written by someone with no idea what anxiety is like. Awful to minimise what to the OP is almost certainly a very real and very dreadful feeling. I suffer terribly with anxiety, mostly menopause related and driving is a big part of it and I would honestly not want to do it either. It's certainly not a minor thing.

MissingMoominMamma · 01/12/2023 11:47

Truthfully, it sounds like you can’t be arsed now your other friend isn’t going. I’d be hurt too.

Did you drive last time?

Original poster
lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 11:48

Gillyyy · 01/12/2023 11:41

I think if you were already planning on driving that distance, it’s maybe harder for your friend to understand why you can’t drive without your friend as it doesn’t sound like you were sharing the driving?

Have you had any help or support for anxiety? I am not the most confident driver still but I’ve had therapy as I took on a job that involved some long distance driving for a while. Although I will still feel pangs of nerves sometimes driving somewhere new, I am much more confident in my ability. It sounds like you could use some support as it is affecting your life.

I understand that, I explained why having someone with me was going to beneficial both for cost and my anxiety. Friend 1 is also good friends with friend 2.

And I am. I've been in counselling, and on medication since the summer. Feeling the best I have in a long time, but still have my moments Smile

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 01/12/2023 11:48

Sorry- I’ve just seen that you didn’t.

mummabubs · 01/12/2023 11:49

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/12/2023 11:33

I think it depends how much notice she got, and also the balance of how you all normally meet up.

If I'd prepared to host, cleaned the house, made beds, planned meals, perhaps even got food in, I'd be quite annoyed at my friend dropping out. If that was on top of a relationship that already felt unequal, then I can see why she'd be pissed off.

This was my thought too. If she didn't get much notice chances are she wouldn't be able to easily make other plans to see people instead and may have spent ages getting the house ready, plus buying in food etc. As a host I'd find it really disappointing and a bit rude perhaps.

I can definitely understand your perspective OP, having once been an anxious driver myself, but have to say I can also easily see why your friend feels hurt. As others say would it have been possible to consider getting a train or coach if the driving felt unmanageable by yourself? Or doing the drive but factoring in some stops so that it doesn't feel so long or overwhelming? If I was your friend I may (rightly or wrongly) conclude that seeing me wasn't that important to you given you still have the means to come, and aren't ill, but have chosen not to. I'd probably decide that my friendship and company wasn't as important as other friend's is.

AriaPLL · 01/12/2023 11:50

Why wait until January?

Thedm · 01/12/2023 11:55

I think you’re wrong. You’re a grown adult with a driver’s license and really, I’d just think being too afraid to drive was a pathetic excuse to use. If you cannot afford the fuel then that’s an actual reason, but if you can afford it and have just decided that your friend isn’t worth the cost then again, you’re being a bad friend. She said she is feeling isolated and alone and clearly needs support. Sometimes our friends need support, and we have to step up. We don’t know the full story but it does sound like your friend needs you and you won’t go because you’re scared of driving? When you have a car and a license…. It’s just a bit, well, shitty.

MyEyesMyThighs · 01/12/2023 11:57

I think the way you've handled it has hurt her feelings. It would probably be different if, when friend 1 pulled out, you had proactively tried to reschedule and make something work. You didn't, friend 2 had to ask if you were still coming. It feels like indifference rather than disappointment on your part.

If she got in straight away when friend 1 said they were sick, you could have at least pretended to think about going and emphasised that you really wanted to see her but thought the three of you getting together would be even better.

The way you've written it is as if you are not bothered about going and haven't really considered her feelings. I hope you come across better in real life.

TheWetBandits · 01/12/2023 11:58

I think given your update OP yab a bit unreasonable

From her point of view
-you have only been to visit her in her home once
-she sees you in your hometown twice a year (I know she visits family too but she thinks of you and organises seeing you)
-you were planning on staying for the weekend so presumably she didn't make other plans, may have made an effort to clean and done a bit food shop
-you cancelled Tuesday as your friend was too sick to come. I'd argue here your friend is being unreasonable. I was bedridden with a fever Tuesday. Today, I'd be fine to visit a friend. How did she know 4 days in advance she'd be too ill to go?

I would be perhaps reaching out and seeing if you can make plans to see her half way Saturday or Sunday so at least there's some more effort in your part. I do understand how debilitating anxiety can be but it feels like you decided and made no other effort to see her another way

caringcarer · 01/12/2023 12:00

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/12/2023 11:33

I think it depends how much notice she got, and also the balance of how you all normally meet up.

If I'd prepared to host, cleaned the house, made beds, planned meals, perhaps even got food in, I'd be quite annoyed at my friend dropping out. If that was on top of a relationship that already felt unequal, then I can see why she'd be pissed off.

Why can't you go by train if you don't like driving?

beanontoast · 01/12/2023 12:01

I think neither of you are BU. She is the one who lives further away so probably already feels a bit 'out' of things and like you'd only want to see her with the other friend. You are anxious about driving and it's expensive at a costly time of year. Give her a ring and explain you really value her and you're disappointed not to see her but you just can't afford the fuel alone and driving by yourself is anxiety inducing

pizzaHeart · 01/12/2023 12:02

I have anxiety myself and I think you are unreasonable. From your friend point of view you are free, can drive, she is ready to host you. What else? You said yourself that you struggled to find a child free weekend, now you have it but don’t want to use the opportunity.
I think the cost is a bit strange too, as you were going to hers anyway, it’s like you are finding an excuse, sorry

blackpear · 01/12/2023 12:02

I’m with your friend, I’m afraid. I’d be very hurt. And you write about protecting your boundaries, as if this is a good reason in itself, but your boundaries don’t seem reasonable at all. It might have felt a bit different if you’d messaged her first and explained, but it feels a bit crap. Basically your anxiety trumps her loneliness and you didn’t tell her until she asked. I wouldn’t think a watch party would make up for it either.