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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend right to be upset with me??

131 replies

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 11:21

Just wanting to get a little objective view from others on this.

Basically, I've upset my friend, and I'm trying to figure out if I'm the asshole.

So, the story. There are 3 of us. Two of us live in the same city and the third friend (friend 2) lives about 4hrs away. It had been planned that myself and friend 1 would drive to visit friend 2 so that we could split the cost of fuel etc, and as I very rarely drive long distance I was anxious doing the drive for the first time and appreciated the company.

All was good until friend 1 got sick and had to pull out of the get together. Friend 2 then asked if I'd still be coming to visit, and I said that I wouldn't and explained why – anxious driving the distance alone & having to cover the entire cost myself.

This apparently wasn't a reasonable excuse, and said I had kicked them when they were down as they were already feeling isolated and lonely.

I apologised and suggested we have a watch party online, or a catch up on the phone and rearrange our get together for January but I've been ghosted instead.

Part of me feels bad, but the other half is trying to honour my reasons and stick by my boundaries. AIBU?

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 01/12/2023 12:03

I'm not necessarily saying YWBU to cancel but I would be upset and hurt in your friend's shoes. Just wouldn't say anything.

I moved a few hours away and my BFF likes to complain about how rarely she sees me now, but for years I was down once a month. Once DC came along it's been so much harder and my time is so much more restricted so I only make it down a few times a year. I would have so much more sympathy for her moaning if she'd visited me more than 10 times in the 16 years I've lived here...

TTCnewbies · 01/12/2023 12:04

Do you know what, I don't think she should have ghosted you, but I will say, I find it hurtful when I make the effort to visit my friends and noone makes the effort for me. I don't have kids yet (I hope soon!) So I'm always the one driving to people. And whilst I don't mind, it would be nice from time to time for people to visit me. Pick my mental health up now and again. Or, you know, offer to contribute to my fuel costs because me visiting them 3 times a year vs them visiting me once every 2 years is not fair.

I'd have gone. Maybe your poorly friend should have contributed to the fuel? If she'd paid for a train she wouldn't have had it returned.

YireosDodeAver · 01/12/2023 12:04

You are OK having boundaries to not want to drive 4hrs alone. You should suggest something like meeting up half way. Even if the friend rejects the idea, then that's on them, you have shown willing.

Wolfpa · 01/12/2023 12:06

I am also with your friend, she will have already got the food and sorted out the house and it’s unlikely that there will be enough time for her to make different plans.

You are making excuses as you have decided that your problems are more important than hers.

she has already said she is lonely and your response will have magnified this massively.

beanontoast · 01/12/2023 12:06

'Having anxiety' isn't massively relevant here if you don't specifically have anxiety about driving tbh. There is no way I'd be able to drive 4 hours by myself and I'd spend the whole trip stressing about the drive home anyway so it wouldn't be enjoyable. Perhaps OP could've got the train etc, that's a valid point - but dismissing her driving anxiety because others who have general anxiety wouldn't be anxious about the journey is just ignorant

pikkumyy77 · 01/12/2023 12:09

People can feel hurt and, at the same time, we have not “done” anything to hurt them. She is unreasonable to take her disappointment out on you. You are not unreasonable to have changed plans. People’s expectations not met all the time. Your friend ghosting you out of anger/ hurt feelings is inappropriate and childish—like the sulking husbands who are always rightly criticized here.

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 12:10

Sorry Op, but if I was your friend, I'd be fuming. You cancelled just 3 days before. She will have most likely already set clean beds up, cleaned the whole house, and bought in the food and drink. And she will have been looking forward to it for a while.

What you're saying to her, is that if the other friend isn't coming that she's not worth seeing on her own. The driving excuse just feels like a silly excuse, from someone who can't be arsed to go. I know it isn't, but that's how I would feel.

Did you offer up any solutions, like getting public transport, or inviting her to yours? Or meeting half way?

I would not be happy at all.

betterangels · 01/12/2023 12:11

I understand that she's hurt. Especially if she got food, etc in for a weekend stay. I'm with her.

ManateeFair · 01/12/2023 12:12

I've got mixed feelings about this one, because I think there's a big difference between clinical anxiety and being a bit nervous.

I have a friend who has a pretty serious and debilitating anxiety/panic disorder, and that can impact on get-togethers (eg once we were all meeting at a friend's place, which she drove to, but then became extremely anxious about the other part of the weekend and was clearly distressed, so we ended up staying in and getting takeaway etc instead of what we'd planned. Obviously we would much rather have done what we'd planned, which was something we all really wanted to do, but we did totally see how upset and stressed our friend was (she was anxious to the point where she threw up) and we absolutely did not blame her or feel annoyed with her. She can't help it; she's ill. It's a lot worse for her than it is for the rest of us.

However, a friend of my mother's was due to meet up with my mum and a third friend for lunch recently - friend 1 drives, my mum and friend 2 don't for financial and eyesight reasons. It was going to be the first time they'd all met up for a long time and the first time friend 2 was actually going to be socialising since her husband died not long ago. My mum has also had a lot of stress and trauma in her life recently, so they were all looking forward to it. Friend 1 was supposed to be picking up my mum and driving over to Friend 2's with her so they could go out for lunch. Two days beforehand, however, Friend 1 called to say that she was cancelling because it's getting dark earlier now and she realised that she might have to drive home in the dark and she doesn't really like driving in the dark. That, for example, would really have hacked me off. Being a bit worried/slightly disliking something isn't, in my view, a reason to ditch your friends who have been really looking forward to a nice time with you.

WinterNamechange · 01/12/2023 12:13

If I were your friend I would be annoyed too - also if you cancelled on Tuesday how did your friend know she would still be sick for the weekend? I work full time so if I had friends staying on a weekend, I would have probably shopped the previous weekend.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/12/2023 12:13

you won’t go because you’re scared of driving? When you have a car and a license…. It’s just a bit, well, shitty.

I disagree. I have a license and am happy to drive in my local area but like fuck would I drive 4 hours on unfamiliar roads for anything less than a zombie apocalypse scenario. Driving anxiety is real, it's got worse with menopause and I get it big time on motorways, even as a passenger, so I understand totally why OP felt okay to go with her friend but not alone. Course it's sad for F2, but it's the F1's illness that's the issue. I'd have offered for F2 to come to stay at mine if she was so lonesome, but not after the huff she's had. I'd be leaving her to have a word with herself and get back in touch when she's calmed down. I have friends who live a similar distance away and we accept that we just don't get to see each other often at all. It's a big ask, esp with OP's DC/DH situation, so there shouldn't be this kind of pressure for OP to go on her own. She can't afford it and she can't do the drive. If DF2 wants to read other things into it, that's in her own head and there's not much OP can do about it.

SutWytTi · 01/12/2023 12:15

NewIdeasToday · 01/12/2023 11:37

If I was your friend I’d be upset as well.

Don’t let your life be hemmed in by minor anxieties. Surely the best way to overcome anxiety about driving that distance is just to to it? Once you’ve done it once it will be easy the next time.

This post suggests ignorance about anxiety. It can't just be minimised away like this.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 01/12/2023 12:16

I’ve bailed on seeing a friend for a weekend this autumn who was a long and awkward drive away and there were train strikes (I was planning on getting train as going after work when in office). She’s seen me less due to her kids and DH but we’ve both made the effort to meet up in the past.

But I didn’t and would never use anxiety as an excuse and I apologised profusely and said I’d make it up to her.

AnonyLonnymouse · 01/12/2023 12:16

ManateeFair · 01/12/2023 12:12

I've got mixed feelings about this one, because I think there's a big difference between clinical anxiety and being a bit nervous.

I have a friend who has a pretty serious and debilitating anxiety/panic disorder, and that can impact on get-togethers (eg once we were all meeting at a friend's place, which she drove to, but then became extremely anxious about the other part of the weekend and was clearly distressed, so we ended up staying in and getting takeaway etc instead of what we'd planned. Obviously we would much rather have done what we'd planned, which was something we all really wanted to do, but we did totally see how upset and stressed our friend was (she was anxious to the point where she threw up) and we absolutely did not blame her or feel annoyed with her. She can't help it; she's ill. It's a lot worse for her than it is for the rest of us.

However, a friend of my mother's was due to meet up with my mum and a third friend for lunch recently - friend 1 drives, my mum and friend 2 don't for financial and eyesight reasons. It was going to be the first time they'd all met up for a long time and the first time friend 2 was actually going to be socialising since her husband died not long ago. My mum has also had a lot of stress and trauma in her life recently, so they were all looking forward to it. Friend 1 was supposed to be picking up my mum and driving over to Friend 2's with her so they could go out for lunch. Two days beforehand, however, Friend 1 called to say that she was cancelling because it's getting dark earlier now and she realised that she might have to drive home in the dark and she doesn't really like driving in the dark. That, for example, would really have hacked me off. Being a bit worried/slightly disliking something isn't, in my view, a reason to ditch your friends who have been really looking forward to a nice time with you.

But if Friend 1 pulled out on the basis of not liking driving in the dark, doesn’t that also suggest that she too has or is developing eyesight problems?

The halo effect around headlights can be a big issue for people with astigmatism or who are developing cataracts.

Original poster
lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 12:16

Thank you to all the replies. I think one of the important points that I've failed to mention so far is the friendship dynamic.

Myself, friend 1 & friend 2 are a bit of a trio, but friend 1 & 2 are much, much closer. Friend 1 is the glue. I am bff with friend 1, and without them communication between myself and friend 2 is rare.

Myself and friend 2 haven't spent any time together on an individual basis since we were teenagers, and we're now mid 30s.

I understand their disappointment, of course but friend 2 has also cancelled or denied requests when invited to attend events or other get together because of life/funds etc. While I've been disappointed, it's never become a reason for a fall out.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 01/12/2023 12:18

Oh okay then, even more fair enough with that friendship dynamic in mind. Don't beat yourself up about it, you know YANBU. I'd leave her to it.

SutWytTi · 01/12/2023 12:18

I think your friend is unreasonable to ghost you. You did nothing wrong. You had a plan to travel together and share the cost. Things changed which would mean you have to travel alone and pay all of the cost.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 01/12/2023 12:18

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 12:16

Thank you to all the replies. I think one of the important points that I've failed to mention so far is the friendship dynamic.

Myself, friend 1 & friend 2 are a bit of a trio, but friend 1 & 2 are much, much closer. Friend 1 is the glue. I am bff with friend 1, and without them communication between myself and friend 2 is rare.

Myself and friend 2 haven't spent any time together on an individual basis since we were teenagers, and we're now mid 30s.

I understand their disappointment, of course but friend 2 has also cancelled or denied requests when invited to attend events or other get together because of life/funds etc. While I've been disappointed, it's never become a reason for a fall out.

Slight drip feed there and the hole you’re digging in is getting deeper…

RampantIvy · 01/12/2023 12:18

Couldn't you have travelled by coach instead?

I'm sorry, but it does come across that you weren't that bothered about visiting.

User0000009 · 01/12/2023 12:19

I’ve weeded out people who can’t take a “no”. To ghost you is controlling and bullying. She’s shown her true colours. We all have to deal with disappointment.

AnonyLonnymouse · 01/12/2023 12:20

@lapamel3 In terms of driving new routes, I find it really helpful to have a good look at the route on Google maps in advance and zoom in on key junctions. That way you can get a sense of how the lanes work and also get a visual marker for where you are going e.g ‘I need to turn off after that Big Yellow storage.’

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/12/2023 12:20

I think that scenario could be even more hurtful. I can see how she would think "i like you and wanted you to visit, but friend 1 is your clear favourite. It seems you value me so little that you don't feel the weekend is worth you coming on without friend 1 there."

SutWytTi · 01/12/2023 12:22

User0000009 · 01/12/2023 12:19

I’ve weeded out people who can’t take a “no”. To ghost you is controlling and bullying. She’s shown her true colours. We all have to deal with disappointment.

I agree. I am tolerant of other people's lives and expect my friends to be tolerant of mine. Sometimes shit happens - in this case Friend 1 became unwell through no fault of anyone's.

gannett · 01/12/2023 12:22

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 12:16

Thank you to all the replies. I think one of the important points that I've failed to mention so far is the friendship dynamic.

Myself, friend 1 & friend 2 are a bit of a trio, but friend 1 & 2 are much, much closer. Friend 1 is the glue. I am bff with friend 1, and without them communication between myself and friend 2 is rare.

Myself and friend 2 haven't spent any time together on an individual basis since we were teenagers, and we're now mid 30s.

I understand their disappointment, of course but friend 2 has also cancelled or denied requests when invited to attend events or other get together because of life/funds etc. While I've been disappointed, it's never become a reason for a fall out.

Well this is the exact message that Friend 2 got. You cancelled at the last minute citing anxiety that kicks in when you're driving by yourself, but wouldn't have been an issue with Friend 1 there. To Friend 2, that indicates that while you enjoy being part of the trio, you have much less time for her as an individual, and wouldn't be arsed with visiting her if Friend 1 wasn't involved.

I suspect that if it was your best friend living 4 hours away you'd have found a way to get there by yourself, whether overcoming your anxiety or booking public transport.

You've let Friend 2 know where she stands and she's reacted accordingly. I feel a bit sorry for Friend 1 who might be stuck between you two now.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/12/2023 12:22

I'm sorry, but it does come across that you weren't that bothered about visiting.

What if OP wasn't that bothered about visiting? Does she have to be bothered to the point of flogging there and back on a coach on her own, without F1 who is 'the glue', to see F2 who hasn't seen her one-to-one for over a decade, lives 4 hours away and cancels on her when she wishes. It's totally fine to have friends that you'd absolutely like to visit in the original planned circumstances, but be less bothered about going the extra mile for in a very different scenario.

As it stands, OP had reasons to cancel rather than being not that bothered, but even if that was a factor, it doesn't make her a terrible person. We all have priorities and it doesn't sound like F2 is her top priority nor vice versa.

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