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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend right to be upset with me??

131 replies

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 11:21

Just wanting to get a little objective view from others on this.

Basically, I've upset my friend, and I'm trying to figure out if I'm the asshole.

So, the story. There are 3 of us. Two of us live in the same city and the third friend (friend 2) lives about 4hrs away. It had been planned that myself and friend 1 would drive to visit friend 2 so that we could split the cost of fuel etc, and as I very rarely drive long distance I was anxious doing the drive for the first time and appreciated the company.

All was good until friend 1 got sick and had to pull out of the get together. Friend 2 then asked if I'd still be coming to visit, and I said that I wouldn't and explained why – anxious driving the distance alone & having to cover the entire cost myself.

This apparently wasn't a reasonable excuse, and said I had kicked them when they were down as they were already feeling isolated and lonely.

I apologised and suggested we have a watch party online, or a catch up on the phone and rearrange our get together for January but I've been ghosted instead.

Part of me feels bad, but the other half is trying to honour my reasons and stick by my boundaries. AIBU?

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 01/12/2023 16:09

No, you're not being unreasonable. If your friend truly knows you she should realise your concerns.

wineoclock90 · 01/12/2023 16:16

Yanbu

DrMarshaFieldstone · 01/12/2023 16:28

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 12:41

A train would have been feasible if it wasn't so expensive! Booking a train on a Tuesday for this Friday was last minute and out of my budget.

It's not a case of I won't go by public transport but that I couldn't. Driving and sharing the cost with friend 1 - was what made the trip affordable.

And to my knowledge, there was no food purchased.

I am deeply upset that they feel isolated and lonely, I am! But revealing this information after I had cancelled on them wasn't helpful. If they are feeling this way, I want to help them. I want to be a friend, but I can't read minds. They haven't reached out before this, I weren't to know.

I was quite sympathetic until I read this. I wasn’t to know’ is a shit excuse. You would know if you had asked. It sounds like she is really struggling and was really looking forward to this weekend. It might not change anything but she has every right to be very pissed off and you need to own this.

sensationalsally · 01/12/2023 16:52

"It's literally just driving" @ohdamnitjanet . Really? what if you haven't driven in ages? What if you're not used to driving in traffic/motorways? what if you're unfamiliar with the route? Can't read a feckin map (I can't) Don't have a sat nav? Difficulty driving in the dark? It DOES make a difference whether you are driving down your own road or a road a hundred miles away. OP didn't say she was too "scared" to drive. She said she was "anxious doing the drive for the first time" Just be kind.

ThanksItHasPockets · 01/12/2023 17:52

I don’t think there’s much to be gained from dwelling on this, OP. Does she have every right to be disappointed and pissed off? Yes, she does. Can it be helped? No. It’s normal to feel a bit guilty in a situation like this. It’s an indication that you’re a good person with a functioning conscience!

YABU to say that she has ‘ghosted’ you, though. She has ignored you for a few days because she is pissed off. That’s her version of ‘sticking with her boundaries’.

Riverlee · 02/12/2023 08:57

I would have cancelled as well.

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