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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend right to be upset with me??

131 replies

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 11:21

Just wanting to get a little objective view from others on this.

Basically, I've upset my friend, and I'm trying to figure out if I'm the asshole.

So, the story. There are 3 of us. Two of us live in the same city and the third friend (friend 2) lives about 4hrs away. It had been planned that myself and friend 1 would drive to visit friend 2 so that we could split the cost of fuel etc, and as I very rarely drive long distance I was anxious doing the drive for the first time and appreciated the company.

All was good until friend 1 got sick and had to pull out of the get together. Friend 2 then asked if I'd still be coming to visit, and I said that I wouldn't and explained why – anxious driving the distance alone & having to cover the entire cost myself.

This apparently wasn't a reasonable excuse, and said I had kicked them when they were down as they were already feeling isolated and lonely.

I apologised and suggested we have a watch party online, or a catch up on the phone and rearrange our get together for January but I've been ghosted instead.

Part of me feels bad, but the other half is trying to honour my reasons and stick by my boundaries. AIBU?

OP posts:

PaminaMozart · 01/12/2023 13:33

4 hours there and back is par for the course if someone is hosting you for an entire weekend...

If I were your friend and I had reserved this time for you I'd definitely be annoyed.

mrlistersgelfbride · 01/12/2023 13:34

YANBU but I do understand where your friend is coming from, I'd be hurt and annoyed too.

Can you not give the driving a try? It seems a shame for you both to miss out.
Take regular stops, take it steady, keep in the left hand lane mostly, have some hot drinks and snacks for your journey and your favourite music (if that will help)?
I do know where you are coming from. I was the most anxious driver ever 8-10 years ago and I've ended up driving all over the country.

It's your call but I think you'd be proud of yourself and enjoy it when you are there.

FarEast · 01/12/2023 13:34

Well, you're not being unreasonable, but I don't think you're being a particularly good friend. Particularly as she'd set aside a weekend, you were staying at hers, and she was probably really looking forward to the company.

You're making a lot of excuses; clearly you think you're right, but from your friend's POV, I can see why she's upset.

Muchof · 01/12/2023 13:37

It sounds like you really don’t want to go unless the other friend does and you are hiding behind excuses. You didn’t even bother to tell her that you wouldn’t be coming, she had to ask. I’d probably draw a line under this friendship too as you really just don’t care.

Justanything86 · 01/12/2023 13:43

I live about 4.5 hours from my home town and my friends rarely come to visit citing anxiety ect. I wish they had as I ended up staying in a really bad relationship for a long time and becoming quite depressed as I was so isolated and had no one I could talk to about how I was feeling.

It's also difficult when I visit home as I'm expected to see everyone so it becomes a chore of short visits to multiple people. When people come up to stay it's the only time I can relax and enjoy their company for an extended period so I can understand why she is so upset. I try to be understanding but I have put myself out for them on multiple occasions and it seems to only go one way.

NeedToChangeName · 01/12/2023 13:48

I'm the only one with a DD and OH is military, so finding myself with a child free weekend is hard to come by

In that case, I'd say all the more reason to go ahead with the trip. "Shall all 3 of us meet next weekend instead?" is quite different from "we might do this some other time"

If I was friend 2, I'd feel hurt that you only wanted to come and visit if friend 1 was there too. Being a nervous driver wouldn't really cut it for me

WillowTit · 01/12/2023 13:49

you could go on the coach

DelightfullyDotty · 01/12/2023 13:53

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 12:56

If you're not a confident driver, you shouldn't be on the road at all, to be honest.

4 hours is nothing.

Why go to the expense of driving lessons, buying a car, maintaining the car etc, if you are too scared to drive any farther than the local Tesco's?

What if your child moves 4 hours away for Uni? What if you need to fly to a destination and the only airport that flies there is 4 hours away? What if you fancy a holiday in a camper van? What if a parent becomes sick and they live far away. I did over 5000 miles in the car when my Mum was sick.

Show quote history

There’s quite a difference between a four hour drive and a trip to the local Tesco. Are you always such a black and white thinker?

Also someone can be a safe driver and not be confident. I bet almost everyone driving at 90 or more on the motorway is very confident but they’re certainly not safe. It’s better to know your limits and avoid journeys that you’re not comfortable with.

My DS does happen to be at a uni two hours away and I force myself to drive there because he’s my son. I wouldn’t drive four hours for a friend I’m not close to. That sort of anxiety takes a lot of energy and a lot of time to recover from.

You really need to argue with more logic.

Womencanlift · 01/12/2023 13:55

On one hand you say your communication is rare but then you are also saying you are upset that she has ghosted you after just 3 days?

YANBU to have anxiety as that can’t be helped, but too many people do use that an excuse to get out of things so maybe she thought it was an excuse rather than genuine reason

She is not unreasonable to be upset as she may have turned down other things this weekend to host you, been looking forward to it, and feels let down

You talk about your boundaries well she will have boundaries too. But as said above I think you are being unreasonable to be upset with no contact this week when you don’t have regular contact at the best of times

Bringbackspring · 01/12/2023 13:59

It does feel crap to be the person getting cancelled on. If you were meant to be staying with her then she will have put thought and preparation into it, and will have been really excited. While your reasons are genuine, and I'm sure your anxiety makes it very difficult for you, from her side it does sound like you don't really want to do it. Having a phone call is just not the same.

On the flip side, I am the one who moved away from my home town and therefore created the inconvenience of needing to travel. So I generally don't expect people to go out of their way to visit me, I see it as my responsibility to return to my home town to visit them. People do still visit me, but I don't expect it and don't 'keep count' of who is doing more. I also find it's more efficient if I return home as I can see lots of people in one trip, whereas if people visit me lots of people have to make individual trips, which isn't great for the planet. Plus it would take up half my weekends having guests! So if your friend feels lonely, she needs to remember that she is the one who chose to move away, and that has both up and downsides to it.

stayathomer · 01/12/2023 14:00

She’s unreasonable but she’s lonely and disappointed so it’s just all unfortunate (from someone who also gets nervous driving so I get it!)

Nonimai · 01/12/2023 14:01

I would be upset too. Given a situation where you can’t afford the train or the full fuel cost for a 4 hour trip (2hrs each way ) estimate £35 so an extra £17.50 for you to pay). I would see this as you taking the easy way out and not prioritising me at all. I would re-evaluate the friendship

Original poster

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 14:06

Thank you all.

I think this has highlighted how while we're both valid in our decisions/responses that perhaps the core foundations of our friendship is lacking and a good open discussion between us without friend 1 is probably a good idea.

OP posts:

howhardisittothink · 01/12/2023 14:08

I don't know that she's ghosting you if it's only been a few days and she's still smarting from the perceived snub. You're talking about this weekend? Give her some time then apologise again and try to rebuild.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 01/12/2023 14:16

Bit of a drip feed, OP, but in light of all you've said, I think YANBU. I think your friend is very unreasonable to ghost you, though.

ThePeachIsSoUnusual · 01/12/2023 14:22

Your friend IBVU. You OP are not. Plans have to change, adults (even depressed and isolated ones) understand this, especially in the circumstances you have described. A true friend would understand that for you, a long drive on your own isn't something you can do. Friends understand the cost of living crisis.

Friends like yours are very draining. See how it pans out but if the ghosting continues, rather than being a few days and then an apology, then you have a problem with this friendship.

ThePeachIsSoUnusual · 01/12/2023 14:23

But it wasn't a snub, it's just smarting from the perceived snub in a drama llama's brain.

iolaus · 01/12/2023 14:48

Friend 2 has realised that you aren't actually her friend, you are friend 1's friend (this isn't saying you dislike friend 2) , you two aren't in the same circle, you are just both in friend 1's venn diagram when she thought you were close enough that you'd have done the trip alone (or at the very least told her that you weren't going to go without being prompted)

There's nothing wrong with you not going, but theres nothing wrong with her realising that the friendship isn't what she thought and therefore she doesn't want it anymore - she may decide she is willing to accept your friendship at the level you offer, but don't blame her for being hurt at present

ohdamnitjanet · 01/12/2023 14:48

Thedm · 01/12/2023 11:55

I think you’re wrong. You’re a grown adult with a driver’s license and really, I’d just think being too afraid to drive was a pathetic excuse to use. If you cannot afford the fuel then that’s an actual reason, but if you can afford it and have just decided that your friend isn’t worth the cost then again, you’re being a bad friend. She said she is feeling isolated and alone and clearly needs support. Sometimes our friends need support, and we have to step up. We don’t know the full story but it does sound like your friend needs you and you won’t go because you’re scared of driving? When you have a car and a license…. It’s just a bit, well, shitty.

It’s a bit, well, shitty, to have to drive long distance if you’re anxious.
It’s a bit, well, unsafe.
Plenty of people pass their tests and for various reasons don’t wish or are unable to do certain journeys.

Thedm · 01/12/2023 15:13

@ohdamnitjanet

It’s literally just driving. It makes no difference at all whether you’re driving down your own road or a road a hundred miles away. It’s the same country, you’re driving on the same side of the road with the same laws and same Highway Code. If you miss a turn the you miss a turn, so what? Turn around at the next opportunity. I’m sorry but for an adult it’s a pathetic excuse. “I’m too scared to drive.” Really, get some help.

Allfur · 01/12/2023 15:16

How much was the petrol?

ohdamnitjanet · 01/12/2023 15:30

Good for you.

shams05 · 01/12/2023 15:55

@Thedm
She's said she's getting help for her anxiety already.
It's Definitely more difficult to drive on unknown and unfamiliar roads than say your daily commute route, Let's not pretend here

widowtwankywashroom · 01/12/2023 16:01

You said your OH is military, so away I presume? Why are you limiting yourself?? You can drive, have access to a car, the world is your oyster, you are letting yourself and your dd down

Pinkdelight3 · 01/12/2023 16:02

Thedm · 01/12/2023 15:13

@ohdamnitjanet

Plenty of people have said they feel stressed about such drives. It's not pathetic. Good for you that it's not an issue for you. Perhaps we need more blinkered insensitivity and lack of empathy then we'd also think we were great and be less anxious.

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