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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend right to be upset with me??

131 replies

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 11:21

Just wanting to get a little objective view from others on this.

Basically, I've upset my friend, and I'm trying to figure out if I'm the asshole.

So, the story. There are 3 of us. Two of us live in the same city and the third friend (friend 2) lives about 4hrs away. It had been planned that myself and friend 1 would drive to visit friend 2 so that we could split the cost of fuel etc, and as I very rarely drive long distance I was anxious doing the drive for the first time and appreciated the company.

All was good until friend 1 got sick and had to pull out of the get together. Friend 2 then asked if I'd still be coming to visit, and I said that I wouldn't and explained why – anxious driving the distance alone & having to cover the entire cost myself.

This apparently wasn't a reasonable excuse, and said I had kicked them when they were down as they were already feeling isolated and lonely.

I apologised and suggested we have a watch party online, or a catch up on the phone and rearrange our get together for January but I've been ghosted instead.

Part of me feels bad, but the other half is trying to honour my reasons and stick by my boundaries. AIBU?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 01/12/2023 12:25

There was a very similar thread recently, except the OP was the host who had prepared her house, booked an activity, and bought lots of food for her guests only for them to let her down with fairly weak excuses about it being too far to drive or feeling tired. The consensus was that the friends were thoughtless, and OP was right to be hurt and to tell them so, particularly as they hadn’t offered to compensate her for the food which would go to waste. I think that’s the least you could offer to do.

YesitsJacqueline · 01/12/2023 12:25

I think the " have a party on line " would be the final straw for me.
Your friend is disappointed and upset with you , acknowledge that and own it. You are all adults, presumably

JANEY205 · 01/12/2023 12:26

The fact she ghosted you is also not ok. You’re being give a hard time here OP but the point is the plans changed and you probably don’t feel comfortable enough to go spend a weekend alone with friend 2? I have friends I’d see with other friends but not alone. Add the travel time and the expense and I’d have done the same! Especially as a fellow military wife who understands those weekends with your partner home can be few and so going to see other people when they are home really needs to be worth it. Enjoy your weekend with your family! I’d let friend 1 know you have been ghosted and go from there but ghosting is extremely childish.

sensationalsally · 01/12/2023 12:26

YANBU. You had very good reasons for the lift-sharing arrangement, and it fell through. Can see why friend 3 is disappointed, but if she actually wants you to visit her, ghosting you is not the way to get you to do it! I hate driving too, so I see your issue. Also, the cost-sharing is significant on an 8-hr round trip. She is having a tantrum. I'd consider sending her a card (as she's not responding to other means of communication) saying that you were disappointed to miss the visit too, and asking her to get in touch to reschedule. Then the ball's in her court.

SawX · 01/12/2023 12:27

Another person here with clinical anxiety who thinks you were unreasonable.

I hope you've asked if she got food and drink in (almost certainly yes by Tuesday) and offered to reimburse her.

oldrosepetals · 01/12/2023 12:27

User0000009 · 01/12/2023 12:19

I’ve weeded out people who can’t take a “no”. To ghost you is controlling and bullying. She’s shown her true colours. We all have to deal with disappointment.

Surely OP is within her rights to not go and her friend is within her rights to feel hurt and sad about it and not want to speak with OP for the moment?

billy1966 · 01/12/2023 12:28

OP, yanbu.

She can be disappointed for sure, but your reasons are clear.

If she wants to block you, so be it.

Leave her too it would be my advice.

Respect her decision and give her space.

You have a child, a husband away, recovering from illness and you and her are actually not that close.

Her real friendship is with your friend.

Do not take this upset on board.

Drop the rope completely.

Life is too short for this type of drama.

User0000009 · 01/12/2023 12:29

SawX · 01/12/2023 12:27

Another person here with clinical anxiety who thinks you were unreasonable.

I hope you've asked if she got food and drink in (almost certainly yes by Tuesday) and offered to reimburse her.

Reimburse her? Wtf?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/12/2023 12:29

In a way op, in her mind you have said to her - 'you're not that much of a friend to me , it's only worth the £20 seeing you if other friend goes too. Even though I have a very rare weekend and you need a friend at the moment.'
(Also, I don't know how you guys 'host' in your friendship group, but my hosting costs extend way beyond petrol costs).
In her mind, she might not be so much ghosting you as thinking 'well op has no interest in being my friend, so no point responding'.

JANEY205 · 01/12/2023 12:29

Why is everyone assuming food was bought in?
also for those bringing up the other thread, that OP did get compensated for all the fresh food and I can say I’d be massively more pissed odd if someone came to me for a weekend when unwell. I really appreciate people cancelling if they have been or are unwell.

FrenchandSaunders · 01/12/2023 12:30

A few weeks ago I would have said you were unreasonable.

However, after talking to a friend of mine last week I am now more understanding about how debilitating this sort of anxiety can be. She has a DD at uni on the south coast, about a 70 minutes drive from her (London). She's in her first year and I said to my friend how lovely it must be as she's still quite near, can pop down for lunch etc.

She said she had never driven that far and now felt she couldn't do it as she'd lef it too long. I suggested the train and she said she'd never done that on her own either. I've known this woman for years and would never have believed she struggled like this, I was quite shocked.

ColleenDonaghy · 01/12/2023 12:30

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/12/2023 12:20

I think that scenario could be even more hurtful. I can see how she would think "i like you and wanted you to visit, but friend 1 is your clear favourite. It seems you value me so little that you don't feel the weekend is worth you coming on without friend 1 there."

I thought the same when I read the update.

betterangels · 01/12/2023 12:30

Well, with that update I think she heard your message clearly. You're not bothered about seeing her. What do you want her to respond to that? I wouldn't have replied either. What's the point?

JANEY205 · 01/12/2023 12:30

arethereanyleftatall · 01/12/2023 12:29

In a way op, in her mind you have said to her - 'you're not that much of a friend to me , it's only worth the £20 seeing you if other friend goes too. Even though I have a very rare weekend and you need a friend at the moment.'
(Also, I don't know how you guys 'host' in your friendship group, but my hosting costs extend way beyond petrol costs).
In her mind, she might not be so much ghosting you as thinking 'well op has no interest in being my friend, so no point responding'.

Still ghosting, which is pathetic and childish. And OP may not be able to afford more in petrol if she’s paying the full costs of an 8hr round trip! That is a long drive to do alone.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/12/2023 12:31

"(Also, I don't know how you guys 'host' in your friendship group, but my hosting costs extend way beyond petrol costs)."

That's a choice to be honest. You can have simple small meals at home and have your big meals out (each person paying) when you have guests.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/12/2023 12:32

"She said she had never driven that far and now felt she couldn't do it as she'd lef it too long. I suggested the train and she said she'd never done that on her own either. I've known this woman for years and would never have believed she struggled like this, I was quite shocked."

Driving I get as it's a huge responsibility. However, everyone can learn to use the train.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 01/12/2023 12:33

I don't think you're unreasonable at all
Getting Ill is no ones fault and a 4 hour drive is a long and expensive one
Did your friend not consider this?
Last year we had to postpone as my son was ill

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 01/12/2023 12:36

To be honest op. Although I appreciate your reason for cancelling, and it is understandable, overall I think I can see why your friend is upset.

The dynamic information is interesting. However maybe this was a chance for you to connect more with friend 2 on an individual basis.

Is she annoyed with friend 1 too?

I guess every situation has its different perspectives. Also maybe she has more going on and really was putting a lot in to seeing you both.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/12/2023 12:38

I don't think you did anything wrong op, I wouldn't be impressed with the ghosting either.

OrigamiOwl · 01/12/2023 12:41

arethereanyleftatall · 01/12/2023 12:29

In a way op, in her mind you have said to her - 'you're not that much of a friend to me , it's only worth the £20 seeing you if other friend goes too. Even though I have a very rare weekend and you need a friend at the moment.'
(Also, I don't know how you guys 'host' in your friendship group, but my hosting costs extend way beyond petrol costs).
In her mind, she might not be so much ghosting you as thinking 'well op has no interest in being my friend, so no point responding'.

This is my take on it too.
It comes across that it's your ill friend you actually would want to hang out with and now she's not coming you've ditched your other friend.
I wouldn't have thought she's ghosting you. She's just realised you don't want to put effort into a friendship so she's doing similar.

Original poster
lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 12:41

A train would have been feasible if it wasn't so expensive! Booking a train on a Tuesday for this Friday was last minute and out of my budget.

It's not a case of I won't go by public transport but that I couldn't. Driving and sharing the cost with friend 1 - was what made the trip affordable.

And to my knowledge, there was no food purchased.

I am deeply upset that they feel isolated and lonely, I am! But revealing this information after I had cancelled on them wasn't helpful. If they are feeling this way, I want to help them. I want to be a friend, but I can't read minds. They haven't reached out before this, I weren't to know.

OP posts:
fixies · 01/12/2023 12:44

I'm not a confident driver and there's no way I'd feel happy doing that drive alone. One hour maybe. It's a valid reason.

I know your friend is disappointed but yanbu. Also why isn't she angry at the other friend? She didn't rearrange or offer to come another weekend? It's all been blamed on the op. Not very fair. Or the friend herself could have suggested an alternative rather than taking the huff.

ttcat37 · 01/12/2023 12:45

If someone told me they weren’t visiting because they can’t drive 4 hours by themselves I would definitely eye roll and be pissed off. I would assume you don’t want to come and are struggling to find an excuse.

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 12:46

It's only been 3 days, so you can't really claim she's ghosted you.

If that was me, I'd be so cross that I literally wouldn't know what to say. I would also stew on what response to send, because I'd probably feel like saying :

"For fuck's sake, I spent all last night cleaning and I bought load of food and booze last weekend. What a colossal waste of time"

But after thinking on it, I'd send something much more neutral. I suspect she's just fizzing with you at the moment and trying to think of a non offensive reply.

Outforlunchallday · 01/12/2023 12:46

Yes, why are you the only one getting it in the neck OP?
I would let her get on with it, it’s not your fault it’s been cancelled. If the other friend hadn’t dropped out all would be fine.