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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend right to be upset with me??

131 replies

lapamel3 · 01/12/2023 11:21

Just wanting to get a little objective view from others on this.

Basically, I've upset my friend, and I'm trying to figure out if I'm the asshole.

So, the story. There are 3 of us. Two of us live in the same city and the third friend (friend 2) lives about 4hrs away. It had been planned that myself and friend 1 would drive to visit friend 2 so that we could split the cost of fuel etc, and as I very rarely drive long distance I was anxious doing the drive for the first time and appreciated the company.

All was good until friend 1 got sick and had to pull out of the get together. Friend 2 then asked if I'd still be coming to visit, and I said that I wouldn't and explained why – anxious driving the distance alone & having to cover the entire cost myself.

This apparently wasn't a reasonable excuse, and said I had kicked them when they were down as they were already feeling isolated and lonely.

I apologised and suggested we have a watch party online, or a catch up on the phone and rearrange our get together for January but I've been ghosted instead.

Part of me feels bad, but the other half is trying to honour my reasons and stick by my boundaries. AIBU?

OP posts:
fixies · 01/12/2023 12:48

ManateeFair · 01/12/2023 12:12

I've got mixed feelings about this one, because I think there's a big difference between clinical anxiety and being a bit nervous.

I have a friend who has a pretty serious and debilitating anxiety/panic disorder, and that can impact on get-togethers (eg once we were all meeting at a friend's place, which she drove to, but then became extremely anxious about the other part of the weekend and was clearly distressed, so we ended up staying in and getting takeaway etc instead of what we'd planned. Obviously we would much rather have done what we'd planned, which was something we all really wanted to do, but we did totally see how upset and stressed our friend was (she was anxious to the point where she threw up) and we absolutely did not blame her or feel annoyed with her. She can't help it; she's ill. It's a lot worse for her than it is for the rest of us.

However, a friend of my mother's was due to meet up with my mum and a third friend for lunch recently - friend 1 drives, my mum and friend 2 don't for financial and eyesight reasons. It was going to be the first time they'd all met up for a long time and the first time friend 2 was actually going to be socialising since her husband died not long ago. My mum has also had a lot of stress and trauma in her life recently, so they were all looking forward to it. Friend 1 was supposed to be picking up my mum and driving over to Friend 2's with her so they could go out for lunch. Two days beforehand, however, Friend 1 called to say that she was cancelling because it's getting dark earlier now and she realised that she might have to drive home in the dark and she doesn't really like driving in the dark. That, for example, would really have hacked me off. Being a bit worried/slightly disliking something isn't, in my view, a reason to ditch your friends who have been really looking forward to a nice time with you.

Sorry but if you are not a confident driver driving 2h is a huge ask. Yes it's not 'clinical anxiety' but it's a real fear. Plus also potentially dangerous if you don't know the roads. It's dark and wet at the moment. Not s good time to take on a challenge in the car alone. Just common sense.

Stridingthroughtheglade · 01/12/2023 12:52

Well I can understand her disappointment if you were planning to stay for the weekend op.

Your host has probably put in a lot of effort cleaning her house and getting special supplies in at a busy time of year.

Having said that, she probably needs to do that in advance of Christmas anyway and if she has a freezer she can preserve the food.

Having said that, train fares are very expensive, and if your host has cancelled before for similar reasons then I don’t think you are being unreasonable. But was she staying with you for the weekend on those occasions or just passing through? I think that makes a difference.

PaminaMozart · 01/12/2023 12:54

I can understand why your friend is upset.
But ghosting over this is extreme.
Although I wonder: has she actually blocked you, or is it simply a case of not responding?

I can understand the fear of driving 4 hours on a dark winter's night. But could you not leave early on Saturday?

To anyone with driving anxiety: do consider an advanced driving course. It may help with other anxieties as well

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 12:56

fixies · 01/12/2023 12:48

Sorry but if you are not a confident driver driving 2h is a huge ask. Yes it's not 'clinical anxiety' but it's a real fear. Plus also potentially dangerous if you don't know the roads. It's dark and wet at the moment. Not s good time to take on a challenge in the car alone. Just common sense.

Show quote history

If you're not a confident driver, you shouldn't be on the road at all, to be honest.

4 hours is nothing.

Why go to the expense of driving lessons, buying a car, maintaining the car etc, if you are too scared to drive any farther than the local Tesco's?

What if your child moves 4 hours away for Uni? What if you need to fly to a destination and the only airport that flies there is 4 hours away? What if you fancy a holiday in a camper van? What if a parent becomes sick and they live far away. I did over 5000 miles in the car when my Mum was sick.

Gillypie23 · 01/12/2023 12:57

Your reasons are valid. I understand why your friend is upset. If she's been feeling low she'll have been looking forward to it.

Saracen · 01/12/2023 12:58

What you did wasn't hugely unreasonable, but it's understandable that Friend 2 is pretty upset. From her POV it looks like you can't be bothered with her.

user1471600850 · 01/12/2023 13:01

Clearly the people who comment that 4 hours is nothing and why bother learning to drive when you are anxious to drive long distances have never suffered from anxiety or mental health issues. These are real anxieties and should never be dismissed as stupid or an excuse - shame on those who have done this on this thread!!!

laclochette · 01/12/2023 13:01

Her feelings of hurt and disappointment are legitimate as I think you understand, given you've tried to suggest ways to ameliorate them. But that isn't the same as it being legitimate to take them out on you. Bad luck is to blame, not you. I hope she thaws and comes around, I don't think you have acted in an unfair way.

Stridingthroughtheglade · 01/12/2023 13:02

I forgot to say that « ghosting » for whatever reason is a ridiculous thing for any adult to do. If you have a problem with someone, just speak to them maturely and be prepared to endure some uncomfortable moments.

Stridingthroughtheglade · 01/12/2023 13:06

Also forgot to say op that in a way all of this is a compliment as friend2 obviously values your friendship very much, not just as a “buffer” friend.

Stridingthroughtheglade · 01/12/2023 13:08

laclochette · 01/12/2023 13:01

Her feelings of hurt and disappointment are legitimate as I think you understand, given you've tried to suggest ways to ameliorate them. But that isn't the same as it being legitimate to take them out on you. Bad luck is to blame, not you. I hope she thaws and comes around, I don't think you have acted in an unfair way.

^^ This is what I was trying to say but laclochette sums it up much more eloquently.

RampantIvy · 01/12/2023 13:11

Has she actually ghosted though? Maybe she just doesn't have anything she needs to message about. I don't message friends or family regularly. I only do so to arrange stuff like visits, Christmas presents etc.

whynotwhatknot · 01/12/2023 13:15

always happens with friendships of threes-two are closer the other one is left hanging
i would have tried to make the effort-you could have stopped as much as you wanted at services

i had to drive 4 hours once alone to get my dh didnt really fancy it but it was ok

i know two people that refuse to go on motorways theyre too fast apparently🙄

LookItsMeAgain · 01/12/2023 13:18

Roads work in two directions.

I can't see anywhere mentioned in your opening post @lapamel3 why your friend that is feeling isolated and lonely can't instead travel to the town where you live. Is there a reason why they couldn't travel to you?

ShoesoftheWorld · 01/12/2023 13:19

You talk about your boundaries - she's also maintaining hers, which involve not wanting to engage with you atm because she's (rightly, IMO) hurt. Perhaps she would like to be closer to you in your own right and feels you've shown her you don't want to put yourself out for her?

You have a right to pull out of going - she has a right not to have to make you feel better about it.

chiwowowa · 01/12/2023 13:21

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time OP, doesn't sound like you and this friend are really that close if you don't actually spend one on one time together.
That would be a MASSIVE journey and a lot of effort and expense for anyone to see someone that they ARE genuinely close to - not just for someone anxious about driving alone. Four hours!!!??
Unfortunately, when people move geographically further away from each other, no matter how close the relationship once was and no matter the effort made- relationships do tend to wane, that's just life.
It's a shame that friend 2 will have gone to a lot of trouble and will be disappointed, but she really needs to be realistic. She must be aware that you are much closer to friend 1? I hope she uses this as a springboard to forge stronger friendships with people local to her.

betterangels · 01/12/2023 13:23

You have a right to pull out of going - she has a right not to have to make you feel better about it.

Succinctly put.

Yikes101 · 01/12/2023 13:26

YABU and so is friend 1, surely she’s feeling better by now. I understand why friend 2 feels completely let down by both of you flaking on her. I don’t think she’s ghosted you, I think she’s gathering herself so that she can manage to be polite in her reply. A phone call is not an alternative! An alternative would be to invite her to yours, get the train or meet halfway.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/12/2023 13:27

*If you're not a confident driver, you shouldn't be on the road at all, to be honest.

4 hours is nothing.

Why go to the expense of driving lessons, buying a car, maintaining the car etc, if you are too scared to drive any farther than the local Tesco's?*

I've been able to drive for 30 years and don't and have never done long drives, but use the car every week for local journeys and it's perfectly safe and fine. No reason at all for me not to be on the roads. I'm confident where I'm confident and don't drive where I'm not confident. There's so many people on here who don't drive at all, I feel positively accomplished by my amount of driving, but don't feel the need to compete with your 5000miles/must drive to kids at uni parameters. Everyone has their different levels of ability/comfort, and as long as we've passed our test, the rest if up to ourselves to judge.

ColleenDonaghy · 01/12/2023 13:29

LookItsMeAgain · 01/12/2023 13:18

Roads work in two directions.

I can't see anywhere mentioned in your opening post @lapamel3 why your friend that is feeling isolated and lonely can't instead travel to the town where you live. Is there a reason why they couldn't travel to you?

Exactly, the roads go in two directions, and this was only going to be the second time OP had made the effort.

beanontoast · 01/12/2023 13:30

@ManateeFair its not up to you to decide the extent and validity of someone's anxiety. Perhaps if you are usually this judgemental then the person who didn't like driving in the dark didn't want to tell you the extent of how worried they are about it. A lot of people think they are understanding of anxiety until it impacts/inconveniences them. I don't tell some people either, I just make some other excuse if I feel I can't be honest without being judged. whether OP is 'actually anxious' according to your threshold or is just a 'bit nervous', she had mitigated this by driving with a friend. The friend dropped out, so it's not OP's fault. She did what she could to make it tolerable to her and it no longer is, through no fault of her own. The end.

desperatemum24 · 01/12/2023 13:31

You were not unreasonable to cancel and she's not unreasonable to be upset. I'd off to try again in January with friend 1.

5128gap · 01/12/2023 13:31

If it were me (and it would be, as I wouldn't do that drive alone either, for the same reasons) then I'd be very clear that the original arrangement couldn't go ahead, but that we could instead consider:

Friend visiting you with you contributing to the cost given you'd saved the petrol money.

You taking public transport.

Rearranging the visit with a definite alternative date rather than leaving it up in the air.

You meet half way.

I think your friend is hurt because to her it may you look like you just shrugged your shoulders and weren't that bothered now it was just the two of you. Offering up lots of alternatives demonstrates you're sincere in trying your best to see her.

CocoC · 01/12/2023 13:32

I would be upset if I was your friend. You're a grown woman, you don't need a sidekick to do things. Does that mean that if friend 1 moved away / broke up the friendship with friend 2, you would stop seeing friend 2? That's how i would see it if I was friend 2. That she is OK as a destination/event WITH FRIEND1, but if friend one is not there she is not enough in and as herself.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/12/2023 13:32

And it's not so much about my driving, as about other road users driving like dickheads in places - especially on motorways - where they feel over-confident, don't indicate, go way above 70mph etc. etc. With over 100k road accidents every year in this country, it's hardly a big reach to feel some fear driving long distances in winter on unknown roads if you're not used to it (and not inclined to get used to it when it's completely unnecessary day to day).