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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Basilsage · 01/12/2023 12:48

DD Bf does not get fare paid for by exh

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 12:48

Onceuponaheartache · 01/12/2023 12:46

Ok, so you have moved your dd to a foreign country away from her df.

He is now getting married, wants dd there but won't pay for a random extra person's flights

Dd is throwing a wobbly because she can't take her bf who let's be honest is unlikely to still be I'm the picture in July 2024

Exh should be handling this not his gf.

However, fundamentally they are not being unreasonable to refuse to find her bf. Given you moved her abroad then if they would agree to have him at the wedding and pay the cost of the meal etc for that then I think you should fund his other expenses for the trip.

But then I find any parent who upsticks and moves hundreds of miles from their child's other parent utterly abhorrent.

Edited

Wow! so much judgement based on such little fact. Do you know the circumstances that led to the move?

SunshineYay · 01/12/2023 12:49

I think she's in an unhealthy relationship if she can't go anywhere without her boyfriend. Weddings are expensive so why should someone pay for flights, food, accommodation etc for someone they don't know to attend their wedding? It would be different if your dd was in her 20s and had been with her boyfriend for a few years (as in a long term partner should be invited but the guest should pay for flights). She's just a teen in a teen relationship so I don't blame dd's dad for not wanting to invite the bf, let alone pay for everything.

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 12:49

FYI when I got married we had several friends and family aged 18-21…..

Amazingly, all of them paid for their flights, accommodation and food, they were delighted to attend.

I’d have found it bizarre to have them ask us to pay for them.

howlismoving · 01/12/2023 12:50

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle did you actually read my response?

Onceuponaheartache · 01/12/2023 12:51

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 12:48

Wow! so much judgement based on such little fact. Do you know the circumstances that led to the move?

Show quote history

Fundamentally irrelevant.

It is selfish and unfair to move so far away and especially to then criticise a lack of involvement

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 12:52

Scarletttulips · 01/12/2023 12:47

Sorry, but the boyfriend is a freeloader

Wow have you met 18 year olds?

He said he doesn’t want to go ow as he’s been made to feel unwelcome - as has DD.

When teens get together they get stuck at the hop - it’s how it works, clearly OP knows this as she paid for BF to join them on a jolly -

I do the same - meals out, Sunday lunch - trips away - always room for one more.

Absolutely this. I wouldn't dream of charging my kids friends for 'their share of the pizza' or whatever ridic other when they are at mine. I always want them to be comfortable and happy coming round, just as my friends were welcome when I was growing up!

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 12:54

Onceuponaheartache · 01/12/2023 12:51

Fundamentally irrelevant.

It is selfish and unfair to move so far away and especially to then criticise a lack of involvement

Show quote history

That is not logical thinking at all. Completely daft if I'm being direct.

I don't know the facts and neither do you, so jump to a conclusion like that is just silly.

All the deadbeats who live 5 minutes away and don't get involved, what's the excuse then? Must be the distance.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:54

howlismoving · 01/12/2023 12:50

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle did you actually read my response?

Yes. What you and your boyfriend might do as I assume you're not children still at school is irrelevant.

Reugny · 01/12/2023 12:55

howlismoving · 01/12/2023 12:36

So surprised at the majority of responses! As a daughter I'd expect my boyfriend to be able to come to my dad's wedding fgs! But I wouldn't expect my dad to pay for him to go that seems a bit strange to me. I can see why they'd pay for the daughter to be there if she can't pay for herself though.

You expect at 17 that your bf of a few months would come to your dad's wedding in another country?

Incidentally I've been to weddings of people I don't know but they never paid for my travel and accommodation.

howlismoving · 01/12/2023 12:57

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle 😆are 18 year olds children now? Didn't realise sorry.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:57

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 12:49

FYI when I got married we had several friends and family aged 18-21…..

Amazingly, all of them paid for their flights, accommodation and food, they were delighted to attend.

I’d have found it bizarre to have them ask us to pay for them.

You're missing the point. The situation you describe isn't the same. It's attending an event they actually wanted to attend and being press ganged to go to something daughter probably doesn't want to attend by a woman who doesn't like her.

tkwal · 01/12/2023 12:57

I think your ex hs fiancee is being a bit of a witch here but who's to say your dd and her boyfriend will still be together in 7 months? Is it essential for flights to be booked at this stage ? Definitely think dd and bf should be responsible for flight cost if they both end up going and for accommodation costs while there but your ex needs to be prepared for an extra guest. Surely final numbers aren't locked in at this stage ?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:59

howlismoving · 01/12/2023 12:57

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle 😆are 18 year olds children now? Didn't realise sorry.

They are 17 at the moment and will be 18 in full time education. Unless you and your boyfriend are in similar circumstances and similar earnings potential what you and your boyfriend would do is irrelevant.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/12/2023 12:59

I don’t think the move is irrelevant as that seems to be the reason why it is expensive to attend.

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 12:59

@Reugny don't forget thought that the boyfriend will have been a boyfriend for 18months by the time the wedding comes round. That's not an insignificant length of time at any age really.

If they're not together next July, then he doesn't come 🤷‍♀️

Gillypie23 · 01/12/2023 12:59

Ex should pay for the daughter. No boyfriend shouldn't be invited or nor should they pay for him.

Reigateforever · 01/12/2023 12:59

Children in Europe find it very difficult to find work because the employment systems are a lot stricter than those in the UK.
£100 will not pay for the airfare however, although I can see she desperately wants support at the wedding bf should pay for his fare.(I speak from experience.)

howlismoving · 01/12/2023 13:00

Reugny · 01/12/2023 12:55

You expect at 17 that your bf of a few months would come to your dad's wedding in another country?

Incidentally I've been to weddings of people I don't know but they never paid for my travel and accommodation.

Show quote history

I would expect him to be invited yes, especially if the daughter has expressed that they wanted them there. I don't think that his trip should be paid for though as it's not essential that he's there. The daughter should be paid for if she isn't able to pay for herself, as she's an essential part of the day if she has been asked to be bridesmaid.

FloydPepper · 01/12/2023 13:01

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/12/2023 12:59

I don’t think the move is irrelevant as that seems to be the reason why it is expensive to attend.

Op isn’t keen to have the circumstances around the move talked about. I did ask about the sister (her other daughter) who didn’t move with them.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/12/2023 13:02

Reigateforever · 01/12/2023 12:59

Children in Europe find it very difficult to find work because the employment systems are a lot stricter than those in the UK.
£100 will not pay for the airfare however, although I can see she desperately wants support at the wedding bf should pay for his fare.(I speak from experience.)

Surely this depends on the country.
I do agree that the daughter’s flight should be paid for but without knowing the country we can’t know if getting a job is easy or not.

howlismoving · 01/12/2023 13:02

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle I wasn't literally talking about my boyfriend I was just thinking about it from that point of view and expressing it that way.

Scarletttulips · 01/12/2023 13:04

If I was getting remarried - I would want my children to be there - currently off on different directions - and I would invite their boyfriends.

They are treated as part of the family until it runs it coarse - Tambara how we were brought up to be inclusive.

BF faintly paid for DD to go on holiday - I pay for theatre tickets or dinners out - she also does these things with his family so have the same values.

forrestgreen · 01/12/2023 13:08

Your dd is an adult who is at full time college. If her dad wants her there he pays for her to get there.
I'm not sure where she'd stay whilst there but asking a skint 18 yr old to fund themselves whilst there seems a bit much.
If they can't manage that much for a blood relation the. There's no way he'll put out for a randomer too.

I guess she sets her stall out to him clearly and it'll say a lot about how much he values her.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 01/12/2023 13:09

These should be conversations between Dad and daughter.

Not text messages between fiance and daughter.

Of course Dad should be paying and I think its perfectly reasonable for daughter to want to take her boyfriend with her - and for Dad to pay, especially as they are both still at school.

All the comments calling the boyfriend a 'randomer' are pathetic attempts to minimalize. He's the 'boyfriend' - not someone she picked up this morning at the supermarket.

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