Page 10 | Ex and his wedding

tukker · 2023-12-01T09:42:00+00:00

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen. Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf.. The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed. Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family. The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?! It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

laclochette · 01/12/2023 13:11

I don't think it's reasonable for people covering the costs of a wedding to be expected to pay for surprise extra guests. Presumably DD and BF weren't even together when the initial plans were made and invitations sent. It's a young relationship, and weddings are expensive and complicated.

She is acting like a typical teenager muddle of child and adult. On the one hand, as a child, she wants things to be paid for her. (If she were 30 at the time of her father's remarriage, presumably she wouldn't expect him to cover her travel costs - so this is a child-based expectation.) On the other, as an adult, she wants her relationship to be treated as a central and essential part of her life, not seeing, from her youthful perspective, that it's really only quite a short relationship, and without having the experience of being partnered and getting wedding invites that will eventually teach her that partners are very often not invited to weddings - definitely not if the relationship didn't exist when the wedding was planned, and even often if it did, as space is always tight.

It's very teenage to be joined at the hip in a relationship. That isn't to put down her feelings, teenagerdom is an important and complex stage we all go through. But ultimately I don't see why they should cover the costs for a latter-minute guest who is a boyfriend of a few months.

I wonder what else is going on here. Why is she so adamant she won't go without him? Is she nervous or worried about the wedding and feeling lost among her dad's new life that she doesn't feel secure in?

In your position, honestly, I would probably pay myself for DD and BF, as that seems the simplest route to making her happy!

NoTouch · 01/12/2023 13:11

Your dd's dad absolutely shouldn't have to pay for guests flights other than immediate family. A bf of a few months tagging along does not come anywhere near being family.

You should keep out of it and let your dd sort it out with her dad, but tell her while it would be very generous of her dad to pay for the flights it is very unreasonable to expect it. Your choice to pay for the bf previously is completely irrelevant.

It would also be prudent to explain to her family weddings are important, and as an adult it is not a good, or mature, look to fling her toys out her pram, potentially irreversibly damaging relations with her dad, his wife-to-be and her seeing her half sibling all based on fairly new bf's flight ticket price. She will need to live with, and take responsibility for, the consequences of her decision and the impact it has.

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/12/2023 13:14

I think that DD should be fully subsidised for her own father's wedding at which she has been invited to be a member of the bridal party. I would expect her to be an important guest and for plans and costs to bear that in mind. She and her father should have been discussing boyfriend before all the plans were set. I don't really think bf should have his flight paid for but in view of close relationship at the heart of this I think it was a bit mean to not have invited him in the first place and not to add him to the list for the meal. Having said that DD can't lay the law down about things like wanting to sit next to bf etc if the wedding is formal and a table plan is made.
Negotiations really should have been between DD and her father.

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 13:15

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:57

You're missing the point. The situation you describe isn't the same. It's attending an event they actually wanted to attend and being press ganged to go to something daughter probably doesn't want to attend by a woman who doesn't like her.

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@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle

I think the daughter needs to develop some maturity.

@tukker so do you. You speak very badly of your ex, “spineless”, “if and when the marriage fails” etc…. This doesn’t help to foster amicable relationships between your daughter and her father, nor her step mother.

You should be supporting her to be respectful to her father and to show up and support him for a major life event (because you want him to do the same for her), you should also encourage her to be respectful of her step mother and her boundaries.

You say he contributes about £2000 maintenance per year, so he must be on about £25,000 a year if that. Weddings are expensive.

They are willing to pay for your daughter’s travel, food, accommodation, dress and no doubt other costs. To expect them to pay in totality for a teen boyfriend of 9 months whom they have met on one occasion… it’s unacceptable.

And I’m afraid you set the precedent for the boyfriend and your daughter by giving him a freebie trip to the U.K. previously. This too is unacceptable. Where are his parents in all this??

Mariposista · 01/12/2023 13:15

Your daughter is 18 in a relationship lasting just a few months, not a 30 year old married woman. Not unreasonable not to want the boyfriend there, but he should be covering all costs for his daughter.

Original poster

tukker · 01/12/2023 13:15

GwenGhost · 01/12/2023 12:40

Hmm. I think this is a all the more difficult because of her age. She’s right on that cusp of independence but not quite. Because she’s not financially independent (and it’s absolutely unreasonable to expect her to be while she’s still at school and possibly during university depending on the system), she’s reliant on her father+his gfs funding to participate in their wedding. But she’s grown up enough to have her own serious relationship. 9months is a serious relationship when you’re a teenager! They may break up, but so what? They may also stay together forever. That’s not so uncommon either. I know quite a few couples who met first year of university and are still together in their mid thirties. They are not anomalies, it’s a sizeable proportion of my friends from that time.
So her father and/or his gf want her support of their relationship, which she’s willing to give, despite not particularly getting on with the gf. She wants the same support of her relationship and is getting zero.
Yes, it’s a weird dynamic because she’s on the cusp of independent adulthood, but the smart thing for her dad to do would be to pay for flights for his daughter and her bf. It’s an investment in his future relationship with his daughter. It’s not the right time to teach lessons in independence. If he wants her blessing on his marriage, he should show that by respecting her relationship too.
But definitely not your circus not your monkeys. You could advise your DD to call her Dad directly and tell him why she’s upset, if she’s able to articulate it. But they are definitely responsible for their own communication now. You getting more involved won’t help anyone.

I've asked her to call her dad after school, she tried at lunchtime but he was apparently too busy.
Ultimately they have made their decision on the matter which is what I've said to DD, so it's now up to DD to decide what she wants to do. I'll support her either way.

OP posts:

kitsuneghost · 01/12/2023 13:16

YABU about the boyfriend going
GF is being unreasonable for kicking up quite as much drama

He is not part of the family and is an extra cost EXH and GF do not need for someone outside the bridal party
Who knows if they shell out on him whether they will still be together then

I would suggest - he pays for flight and hotel and goes to the evening reception.

HeadNorth · 01/12/2023 13:18

It would also be prudent to explain to her family weddings are important, and as an adult it is not a good, or mature, look to fling her toys out her pram, potentially irreversibly damaging relations with her dad, his wife-to-be and her seeing her half sibling all based on fairly new bf's flight ticket price. She will need to live with, and take responsibility for, the consequences of her decision and the impact it has.

God no, don't spout any of that sanctimonious tosh at her. Who even really wants to go to their parent's wedding to a new partner? I'd happily give it a body swerve and the GF has given her a cast iron excuse not to go. Any consequences are entirely for the dad to live with. He's made himself another family so has obviously has moved on from his daughter, so she is wise not to put herself too far out for him. I could certainly have lived with missing my parents subsequent weddings - they are pretty grim occasions for the first family, in general.

pikkumyy77 · 01/12/2023 13:19

The wedding isn’t a treat for the guests at all. I mean that is often the case and certainly for what is, from dds perspective, a destination wedding. obviously dad’s second wedding is not a particular cause for fun and frolic for his child from the previous marriage. In addition the idea that dd has allies in her dad’s side of the family (grandparents/uncles/cousins) is an assumption. In lots of split families ghe old family takes a back seat to the new one. So asking dd to come at personal expense, and making a huge fuss about her wanting a plus one, is really just hostile and counterproductive. If the father really wants his daughter there he should try harder to make her feel welcome and cared for. He won’t because he doesn’t really care—or he would be on the phone to his dd explaining why her being there matters to him.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/12/2023 13:20

The way you say he was apparently too busy sums up your feelings pretty well. It’s perfectly normal for someone to be too busy for a personal call in the middle of the working day.

you should try and be the bigger person and encourage your daughter to attend. I think the problem is is that your daughter, rightfully so being still at school, expects the flights paying for but then wants to be treated as a grown up getting a plus one.

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/12/2023 13:20

We would have paid for DD and bf in this case but I don't think not paying for bf is necessarily wrong it's just a shame that DD if feeling unimportant in this scenario. People spend money on all sorts of nonsense at weddings; videos, table decorations, hair and makeup etc . There are usually areas of the budget from where money can be found.

GwenGhost · 01/12/2023 13:20

NoTouch · 01/12/2023 13:11

Your dd's dad absolutely shouldn't have to pay for guests flights other than immediate family. A bf of a few months tagging along does not come anywhere near being family.

You should keep out of it and let your dd sort it out with her dad, but tell her while it would be very generous of her dad to pay for the flights it is very unreasonable to expect it. Your choice to pay for the bf previously is completely irrelevant.

It would also be prudent to explain to her family weddings are important, and as an adult it is not a good, or mature, look to fling her toys out her pram, potentially irreversibly damaging relations with her dad, his wife-to-be and her seeing her half sibling all based on fairly new bf's flight ticket price. She will need to live with, and take responsibility for, the consequences of her decision and the impact it has.

This will go down like a sack of shit with the DD.
As far as she’s concerned, her bf is a far more important part of her family than her father’s fiancée or likely even her half sister.
Will that still be the case in 10years time? It’s fairly likely it won’t. It may not even be the case by July. But telling an 18year old that the members of their extended family who they don’t know well/get on with are more important than the bf they have chosen and who they love more intensely and differently to anyone they have ever met in their lives is idiotic. It’s just not how 18yr old brains work. It’s like telling a toddler that you can go back to the park in 3 months time. It might be true but it’s still incomprehensible to them.

Original poster

tukker · 01/12/2023 13:22

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 13:15

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle

I think the daughter needs to develop some maturity.

@tukker so do you. You speak very badly of your ex, “spineless”, “if and when the marriage fails” etc…. This doesn’t help to foster amicable relationships between your daughter and her father, nor her step mother.

You should be supporting her to be respectful to her father and to show up and support him for a major life event (because you want him to do the same for her), you should also encourage her to be respectful of her step mother and her boundaries.

You say he contributes about £2000 maintenance per year, so he must be on about £25,000 a year if that. Weddings are expensive.

They are willing to pay for your daughter’s travel, food, accommodation, dress and no doubt other costs. To expect them to pay in totality for a teen boyfriend of 9 months whom they have met on one occasion… it’s unacceptable.

And I’m afraid you set the precedent for the boyfriend and your daughter by giving him a freebie trip to the U.K. previously. This too is unacceptable. Where are his parents in all this??

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I'm sorry but exh never tried to foster good relationships with me after the divorce but I encouraged DD to have a good relationship with him. He's on much more than £25k!! He first paid £120 p/m and thought that was enough! It's funny that last year I asked for a half the contribution to DDs school (€800) but he said he didn't have that sort of money, then he books a wedding?
I assumed it would be nice to take DD & BF to meet the family before the wedding at my cost, maybe I shouldn't have bothered.

OP posts:

Lex345 · 01/12/2023 13:23

I would expect her dad to pay for DD. I would have expected DD to get a plus one, but it is unreasonable to ask her dad to pay travel costs for boyfriend. When you get invited to a wedding, you don't bill the bride and groom for travel.

If its important to DD, she wants to go and will only go of boyfriend goes, I would probably offer to pay for the boyfriends flight to keep the peace

Tomelette · 01/12/2023 13:26

What country are you in where you have to pay for school?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/12/2023 13:34

Tomelette · 01/12/2023 13:26

What country are you in where you have to pay for school?

It’s likely that they need to pay for en English speaking school but then 800 sounds very cheap (presuming that is 50% of the year and not month/term)

NoTouch · 01/12/2023 13:35

GwenGhost · 01/12/2023 13:20

This will go down like a sack of shit with the DD.
As far as she’s concerned, her bf is a far more important part of her family than her father’s fiancée or likely even her half sister.
Will that still be the case in 10years time? It’s fairly likely it won’t. It may not even be the case by July. But telling an 18year old that the members of their extended family who they don’t know well/get on with are more important than the bf they have chosen and who they love more intensely and differently to anyone they have ever met in their lives is idiotic. It’s just not how 18yr old brains work. It’s like telling a toddler that you can go back to the park in 3 months time. It might be true but it’s still incomprehensible to them.

Edited

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As the parent of a teen/early 20 and aunt/friend to many more, not all teens are self-absorbed to that extent that they cannot listen to and comprehend logic.

It depends on how the message is portrayed and how much the teen thinks the world revolves around them. If they think it does it is about time they heard life doesn't actually work that way and while they get to make their own choices, they get to live with the consequences too. It is her mums jobs to advise her of what those consequences might turn out to be.

LaurieStrode · 01/12/2023 13:35

I think DD needs to grow up and realize that sometimes you can't have everything perfectly your way. Bringing a stranger to a wedding is a big ask. Why can't she just attend, participate and return, out of respect for her father, instead of making it all about her?

If she is a dependent, he should pay her travel and accommodation costs in full. If he doesn't want her there badly enough to cover the expenses, that's tragic but I would say it relieves her of any obligation to make an effort.

GrumpyPanda · 01/12/2023 13:37

waterrat · 01/12/2023 10:32

AT 18 I would have expected to bring my boyfriend to my own parents wedding. She is a teenager and wants to feel welcome and have a buddy with her.

Come on - think like a teenager here! This is her closest family member - her dad ! Provide food for two days??? this is basic parenting.

This. It's not a random plus one - this is the grooms own daughter! A daughter who's presumably never traveled on her own let alone international. And the bridal couple have even met the bf before.

Startrekkeruniverse · 01/12/2023 13:43

tukker · 01/12/2023 11:22

I totally agree the bf doesn't have to go and exh doesn't have to pay, but for the sake of an extra couple of hundred pounds on top of everything else. Dd doesn't like the gf or her family so taking the bf is important to her she said she was only going for her dad, but thr message seems like he will be occupied elsewhere.
It does seem like the gf doesn't want her there really, just her and her family.
Maybe exh will regret not keeping a bond with his daughter if and when the marriage fails, who knows?!

you just seem like another bitter ex tbh OP.

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 13:44

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 01/12/2023 13:20

The way you say he was apparently too busy sums up your feelings pretty well. It’s perfectly normal for someone to be too busy for a personal call in the middle of the working day.

you should try and be the bigger person and encourage your daughter to attend. I think the problem is is that your daughter, rightfully so being still at school, expects the flights paying for but then wants to be treated as a grown up getting a plus one.

Nah, that's not right.

Many of us make time for our children especially when there is a contentious situation on ground. I will step out of any meeting to reassure and speak to my child-( and this is a child he presumably doesn't see a lot off) even if it's just a place holder and to be discussed in detail later.

What if he got a call that his younger child had a cough and needed to be fetched from nursery? Would he be too busy?

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 13:45

Tomelette · 01/12/2023 13:26

What country are you in where you have to pay for school?

How is this at all relevant? People pay for school in the UK too..

BlueEyedPeanut · 01/12/2023 13:47

Dd just wants to support her dad

Well, that's not true, is it? She's threatening to not go unless her father pays for her boyfriend to go. She's putting her boyfriend first. A boyfriend she's only been with 10 months. She needs to grow up. This day isn't about her. If she can't go to support her father on his wedding day then she should pull out instead of playing stupid childish games.

Alondra · 01/12/2023 13:47

The way your ex and his future wife have managed the wedding with your DD is disgraceful.

Your DD is not yet 18 but has a boyfriend that your ex should know about and be prepared to pay flights for if he wants her daughter in his wedding.. First, they wanted you to pay for your DD flight to their wedding, and now they want to pay some money for the flights but they will have to pay for their own food. This is your ex teenage daughter, no just "some guest".

In a wedding likely to cost thousands, they are creating an issue for a couple of cheap flights and an extra guest. Unreliable.

Stay out of it and support your DD if she decides not to attend her father's wedding.

desperatemum24 · 01/12/2023 13:48

If they want dd to attend they should cover all her costs. It's reasonable not to offer a plus one paid or unpaid. But your dd can also decline if she doesn't want to go alone. All communication should be between your dd and her dad.