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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 12:24

New GF sounds like total and utter cow. If she wants her step daughter to hate her forever that's how to go about it.

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 12:24

Doggymummar · 01/12/2023 12:12

I've never been to a wedding where unmarried partners were allowed, unless they had been together forever ( just remembered my aunt and uncle never tied the knot 59 years now) maybe it's just me but who wants random strangers on their photos?

Gf is correct I think

Well i've been to lots.

PreesHeath · 01/12/2023 12:26

Don’t think anything you’ve said is at all unreasonable. I am amazed at some attitudes here. It seems obvious to me that Ex should pay for the flights and welcome the boyfriend. Ex and new gf sound like pricks. How hard is it to accommodate one extra guest and why wasn’t he included in the first place? Very disappointing for your daughter. Her Dad is letting her down and his gf sounds very inflexible. This is not your mess to resolve though. Her Dad needs to step up and show that he wants her there.

MotherofTerriers · 01/12/2023 12:27

TBH I think your daughter dropping out from being a bridesmaid would be sensible and take the heat out of things a bit. She could then decide to go as a guest, or not, nearer the time.
I know people are saying that she will always regret it if she doesn't go, but this isn't necessarily true. Being a bridesmaid for someone she doesn't like also isn't going to be a great experience. And I think he should pay for her and a friend and make an effort to ensure they both feel welcome and comfortable.
Standing back and supporting her in whatever she decides to do is probably your best approach

Cas112 · 01/12/2023 12:29

I think they should be willing to pay for DD but bf should be paying for himself

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:30

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 12:24

Well i've been to lots.

Show quote history

Same here.

Hopingforbettertimesoon · 01/12/2023 12:32

I think the father should pay for her and boyfriend. And if she does split with bf allow her to bring a friend and still pay. She is still in school of course he should pay. He should also be discussing this with her not his girlfriend. To go to a wedding in a different country not knowing many people at 18 would be tough of course she whole be allowed to bring either her boyfriend or a friend.

Also 18 is still young how can people say she is entitled. She is having to adjust to her dad getting remarried and his new wife not really being that welcoming. That must really hurt. Lucky she has you OP to support her.

Changed18 · 01/12/2023 12:33

DD wants BF there for moral support, I should think. I think exh should certainly pay for his own daughter to be there. Could you contribute/share the costs of BF to go with her? Because you’re the one putting her needs first? (Maybe buy a flexi ticket though, in case they’ve split up by then and then you can come to the UK with her for moral support.)

OhmygodDont · 01/12/2023 12:33

If her dad wanted her there he would move heaven and earth to get her there even if that is paying for her partner or a close friend to be her person there.

This “father” can’t even be arsed to talk to his own child about his wedding and has his fiancé texting her. How lame.

MrsSlocombesCat · 01/12/2023 12:33

I’m trying to make my mind up about this situation. On the one hand I think your ex should pay for the flights, but given that you were the one who moved abroad I can’t completely reconcile myself to this.

MrsSunshine2b · 01/12/2023 12:33

Opposite way around for us, but SD is 14 and we moved a few hours away- so we pay for all her travel costs to come and see us, because WE made the choice to make travel expensive. YOU chose to move abroad and take DD, so costs to return to the UK for contact with her father are YOUR responsibility. However, he has, very kindly, agreed to pay the travel costs for her.

Expecting him and his GF to fund a boy they've never met, who presumably has his own parents, and cover all his expenses whilst he's in the UK, is completely unreasonable. They are getting married, not hosting a holiday for DD and her friends. At 17, she is more than old enough to travel alone.

It sounds like DD already doesn't like his wife-to-be, and she's done her best to make her feel included in the wedding but DD is looking for any excuse not to support the marriage and you are encouraging her in that.

erinaceus · 01/12/2023 12:33

tukker · 01/12/2023 11:57

Thank you, I feel like I've opened a can of worms with this thread, but it has diverted my attention to not texting my exh and making things worse. I have no part in the decision apart from maybe taking her to the airport (at my cost!).

Show quote history

Do you feel able to point out to your DD that she is testing her Dad and/or his fiancée? Some people are able to cope with those sorts of realisations and others not so much.

If your DD values her relationship with her Dad I would gently encourage her to negotiate a way to be at the wedding, either with or without bridesmaids duties. I think it’s also worth teasing out whether it is her BF that she wants to take or more that she wants to take someone with her of which her BF seems like a favourite choice because this implies a level of seriousness in their relationship, but a friend rather than BF might actually make more sense all things considered.

I do not think you need to make a financial contribution to your DD’s travel and accommodation, but you can support her to make sensible decisions in the face of an emotionally testing situation. I think not replying to text messages to the fiancée about it all definitely the wiser option as things stand.

Katbum · 01/12/2023 12:34

I don’t think your ex needs to pay for a teenage daughters bf to attend his wedding. Yes he might like to - but he doesn’t like to! Weddings are expensive and he would not be the first person to draw the line at something he considers an unnecessary cost. Why should he suddenly foot the bill for a holiday for a lad he doesn’t really know, and who in all likelihood won’t be around in a few years time. Your dd is not the centre of this event - her soon to be stepmother and father are. I’m sure she is a nice girl but all teenagers can be selfish and need reminding from time to time that the world does not revolve around them.

howlismoving · 01/12/2023 12:36

So surprised at the majority of responses! As a daughter I'd expect my boyfriend to be able to come to my dad's wedding fgs! But I wouldn't expect my dad to pay for him to go that seems a bit strange to me. I can see why they'd pay for the daughter to be there if she can't pay for herself though.

Gwenhwyfar · 01/12/2023 12:39

"Weekend job? Evening job? "

In some countries it's really not the done thing for school children to work.

GwenGhost · 01/12/2023 12:40

Hmm. I think this is a all the more difficult because of her age. She’s right on that cusp of independence but not quite. Because she’s not financially independent (and it’s absolutely unreasonable to expect her to be while she’s still at school and possibly during university depending on the system), she’s reliant on her father+his gfs funding to participate in their wedding. But she’s grown up enough to have her own serious relationship. 9months is a serious relationship when you’re a teenager! They may break up, but so what? They may also stay together forever. That’s not so uncommon either. I know quite a few couples who met first year of university and are still together in their mid thirties. They are not anomalies, it’s a sizeable proportion of my friends from that time.
So her father and/or his gf want her support of their relationship, which she’s willing to give, despite not particularly getting on with the gf. She wants the same support of her relationship and is getting zero.
Yes, it’s a weird dynamic because she’s on the cusp of independent adulthood, but the smart thing for her dad to do would be to pay for flights for his daughter and her bf. It’s an investment in his future relationship with his daughter. It’s not the right time to teach lessons in independence. If he wants her blessing on his marriage, he should show that by respecting her relationship too.
But definitely not your circus not your monkeys. You could advise your DD to call her Dad directly and tell him why she’s upset, if she’s able to articulate it. But they are definitely responsible for their own communication now. You getting more involved won’t help anyone.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:42

howlismoving · 01/12/2023 12:36

So surprised at the majority of responses! As a daughter I'd expect my boyfriend to be able to come to my dad's wedding fgs! But I wouldn't expect my dad to pay for him to go that seems a bit strange to me. I can see why they'd pay for the daughter to be there if she can't pay for herself though.

Are you and your boyfriend 17 going on 18 and still in full time education?

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/12/2023 12:43

beAsensible1 · 01/12/2023 11:36

missing your dads wedding for a school boyfriend is not easily forgivable tbh.

I think it pails in significance to trying to force your ex wife to pay for your child’s transport to your own wedding tbh.

It doesn’t matter if the relationship doesn’t last. Her dad is really unreasonable not to pay for the BF if he can afford it. They’re late teens. It will be good for her and she feels like she needs the support.

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 12:44

I think it’s totally unreasonable that they should have to pay for the flight and accomodation for the boyfriend.

Fine for the your daughter as she is the groom’s daughter…. But a random boyfriend who they barely know who may be an ex by the time the wedding happens.

Please. No. He should have a part time job or parents who can pay for his flight and costs for the trip if he wishes to go.

Even if he were a son in law it would be unreasonable, and your daughter would be paying for her flight too if much older.

Sorry, but the boyfriend is a freeloader.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:46

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 12:44

I think it’s totally unreasonable that they should have to pay for the flight and accomodation for the boyfriend.

Fine for the your daughter as she is the groom’s daughter…. But a random boyfriend who they barely know who may be an ex by the time the wedding happens.

Please. No. He should have a part time job or parents who can pay for his flight and costs for the trip if he wishes to go.

Even if he were a son in law it would be unreasonable, and your daughter would be paying for her flight too if much older.

Sorry, but the boyfriend is a freeloader.

Oh don't be ridiculous "freeloader" ? To go to something neither of them would actually choose to go to?

Wheresthebeach · 01/12/2023 12:46

Your ex is incredibly cheeky to suggest that you pay.

Leave it to them...but DD's dad should be the one she's talking to, not the soon to be SM.

I do think your DD should be able to go without her BF though, making him a condition isn't really fair.

Onceuponaheartache · 01/12/2023 12:46

Ok, so you have moved your dd to a foreign country away from her df.

He is now getting married, wants dd there but won't pay for a random extra person's flights

Dd is throwing a wobbly because she can't take her bf who let's be honest is unlikely to still be I'm the picture in July 2024

Exh should be handling this not his gf.

However, fundamentally they are not being unreasonable to refuse to find her bf. Given you moved her abroad then if they would agree to have him at the wedding and pay the cost of the meal etc for that then I think you should fund his other expenses for the trip.

But then I find any parent who upsticks and moves hundreds of miles from their child's other parent utterly abhorrent.

pikkumyy77 · 01/12/2023 12:47

I don’t understand all the posters who attack the dd for wanting to have her plus one at the wedding and for asking that his flight etc be paid for. Her father/gf are pretending she is important enough to be in the wedding but in reality treating her like a prop. I get that money may be tight but they have also refused ti pay for the dd herself? I wouldn’t go if I were the dd at all.

Scarletttulips · 01/12/2023 12:47

Sorry, but the boyfriend is a freeloader

Wow have you met 18 year olds?

He said he doesn’t want to go ow as he’s been made to feel unwelcome - as has DD.

When teens get together they get stuck at the hop - it’s how it works, clearly OP knows this as she paid for BF to join them on a jolly -

I do the same - meals out, Sunday lunch - trips away - always room for one more.

Muddybooties · 01/12/2023 12:47

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:46

Oh don't be ridiculous "freeloader" ? To go to something neither of them would actually choose to go to?

Show quote history

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle

He is an adult, he should pay his way, like any adult who attends a wedding….

Either you accept you have to pay for the outfit/present/accomodation/travel expenses related to the wedding…

Or you don’t go!