Page 7 | Ex and his wedding

tukker · 2023-12-01T09:42:00+00:00

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen. Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf.. The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed. Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family. The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?! It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

Moveoverdarlin · 01/12/2023 11:58

I wouldn’t want the boyfriend there. Next July is a long way off and when you’re 18, relationships can fall apart on a whim. Why should they pay for the Boyfriend? If I was your ex, I would say, let’s take a call on it next May, if you and Jack are still together he can come but he pays for himself.

mrscatwoman · 01/12/2023 11:58

Some people here are so bloody horrible about 18 year olds. They are expected to save for things like an adult but to go along with anything required like a child. Horrid.

The worst thing in all this is the gf texting the dd with an ultimatum. No man I was involved with, no matter how serious it got, would be allowed to message my sons with ultimatums, and if they did it without my knowledge there would be hell to pay. It doesn't seem the df is that bothered though, which says a lot.

If one of my dc told me their g/bf had a parental wedding to attend I would expect to pay (assuming they asked me nicely and were working hard at college!). Otoh, in the unlikely event I got married, I would also expect to factor in the costs of my dc's partners attending. I think this is par for the course when you have young adult dc, within what could be afforded. But I wouldn't splash out on a big wedding if money was tight.

My partners at that age were invited tio stuff by family and I attended various events with their families too. I think it's what decent families do.

caringcarer · 01/12/2023 11:58

Exh needs to pay for his DD flight, food and accommodation as she is going to be a bridesmaid at his wedding. Your DD can invite her bf but he pays for his own flight, food apart from at wedding and his accommodation.

ActDottie · 01/12/2023 12:00

I think the bf should pay for himself if he does go.

You shouldn’t be paying for DDs flights though that should be paid for by herself or her dad.

Whether the bf should go is up to the bride and groom really. At 18 I wouldn’t have expected my boyfriend at the time to go to family weddings.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:02

mrscatwoman · 01/12/2023 11:58

Some people here are so bloody horrible about 18 year olds. They are expected to save for things like an adult but to go along with anything required like a child. Horrid.

The worst thing in all this is the gf texting the dd with an ultimatum. No man I was involved with, no matter how serious it got, would be allowed to message my sons with ultimatums, and if they did it without my knowledge there would be hell to pay. It doesn't seem the df is that bothered though, which says a lot.

If one of my dc told me their g/bf had a parental wedding to attend I would expect to pay (assuming they asked me nicely and were working hard at college!). Otoh, in the unlikely event I got married, I would also expect to factor in the costs of my dc's partners attending. I think this is par for the course when you have young adult dc, within what could be afforded. But I wouldn't splash out on a big wedding if money was tight.

My partners at that age were invited tio stuff by family and I attended various events with their families too. I think it's what decent families do.

Absolutely agree. If I were the ex it wouldn't occur to me not to pay and to pay for boyfriend if asked nicely.

Catza · 01/12/2023 12:02

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 11:29

The crux of the matter is father should have offered a +1 invitation in the first place.

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But that isn't the same as assuming all the costs of the +1 attending.
They will both be 18 by that time. Imagine a thread in June by a bloke who says "I am dating my girlfriend for under a year. Her dad refused to pay for my flight to attend his wedding". How quickly do you think he will be called the cocklodger on this forum? Yet just because he is a few months shy of his 18th birthday now, suddenly it's OK for an unrelated person to pay for his travel?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:04

Catza · 01/12/2023 12:02

But that isn't the same as assuming all the costs of the +1 attending.
They will both be 18 by that time. Imagine a thread in June by a bloke who says "I am dating my girlfriend for under a year. Her dad refused to pay for my flight to attend his wedding". How quickly do you think he will be called the cocklodger on this forum? Yet just because he is a few months shy of his 18th birthday now, suddenly it's OK for an unrelated person to pay for his travel?

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Oh fgs - as if being 18 means they'll have pots of money to spend on this. It's just so mean of the 2 adults.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/12/2023 12:04

So just to lay this out, her own father won't cover the cost of flights and expects you to - for his wedding? And wants and expects her to come to his wedding on her own, where she'll know not many people I assume?

I know there's always people on these threads who moved out at 16 and were really independent blah blah blah, but she's only 18. It's not outrageous for her travel and her boyfriend's to be covered for an event they wouldn't otherwise be travelling for. It's also not unreasonable to ask for a contribution towards some of those costs, but if they can't afford it they can't afford it. They're teens fgs.

Gnomegnomegnome · 01/12/2023 12:10

If he really wants her there he would pay for her and a plus one. He obviously doesn’t.

Don’t get involved op, just be there for your dd as her Dad doesn’t seem to care.

Brefugee · 01/12/2023 12:10

meh - if ex-dh wants her there he will do what it takes to get her there. the gf is being unreasonable to expect a young woman to fork out to attend a wedding she's apparently not that fussed about, and/or can't afford to go to.

It's not UR to ask for her boyfriend to come, but it's also not really UR to say "sorry, can't do that" and following on not UR for DD to say "ok so have a nice day,looking forward to seeing the photos"

ex-dh is being a twat not taking over the communication with his own daughter.

Birdcar · 01/12/2023 12:11

If she's a bridesmaid she'll be busy. The poor boyfriend will be left making small talk with strangers for the day. It sounds miserable.

If he does go, it's up to him to figure out how to pay for it. Wedding invitations don't come with travel expenses included. If you can't afford to go, you don't go.

Catza · 01/12/2023 12:11

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:04

Oh fgs - as if being 18 means they'll have pots of money to spend on this. It's just so mean of the 2 adults.

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So what makes you think the adults have pots of money to spend on an unrelated child? No matter which way I look at it, I cannot find any justifications for the couple paying for a stranger's flight. We already established that the wedding is in the UK where the daughter knows people so she won't be alone.
The boyfriend is, presumably, willing to go and not being made to under duress. Therefore, he should be contributing.

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 12:12

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:04

Oh fgs - as if being 18 means they'll have pots of money to spend on this. It's just so mean of the 2 adults.

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And I'm aware it's fully differences in culture- but that getting 18 year old's to pay for stuff is crazy to me. I can vaguely understand they should be encouraged to work if they can balanced with school/college/uni, but then expecting someone on minimum age through part time work whom the father is presumably not supporting anyways to then 'save' to attend a wedding ?

That is beyond bonkers

Doggymummar · 01/12/2023 12:12

I've never been to a wedding where unmarried partners were allowed, unless they had been together forever ( just remembered my aunt and uncle never tied the knot 59 years now) maybe it's just me but who wants random strangers on their photos?

Gf is correct I think

Smellslikesummer · 01/12/2023 12:12

You should not be involved, this is between your DD and her dad, stay out of it.
FWIW I think that she is BU to insist her BF comes with and even more that her dad should pay for the BF’s tickets. And the threatening not to come is really not great. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses soon.

mrscatwoman · 01/12/2023 12:16

@Catza

If funds are limited why are they pissing money up the wall on a big wedding with bridesmaids? When the bloke only pays £200 towards his dd's costs/upbringing? That is far worse than an 18 year old not being able to pull money out of thin air for flights etc.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:17

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 12:12

And I'm aware it's fully differences in culture- but that getting 18 year old's to pay for stuff is crazy to me. I can vaguely understand they should be encouraged to work if they can balanced with school/college/uni, but then expecting someone on minimum age through part time work whom the father is presumably not supporting anyways to then 'save' to attend a wedding ?

That is beyond bonkers

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Agreed - making them pay for something which isn't even their choice. Yes, save up and pay for Glastonbury/ a week in Ibiza (and even then I'd top up), but to attend her father's wedding along with his new girlfriend who she knows doesn't like her?

YankeeDad · 01/12/2023 12:17

I am a Daddio, and I am firmly in camp DD. Were in the same situation, I would already have offered to pay for DD and her chosen +1.

If he had a little bit of empathy for his own daughter, he would understand she wants to have a friend with her at his wedding, especially if she is not that friendly with his future wife and has no other family members present besides her Dad who is otherwise occupied.

The point is not whether it is a boyfriend (who may or may not stick around) or a female friend, the point is to have someone she is comfortable and friendly with at the wedding.

N0TMYIDEA · 01/12/2023 12:19

So let me check I’ve got it right -

her father doesn’t support her financially ( £200/ month doesn’t

pay of half of the costs of feeding, housing , educating and and clothing a teenager )

he obviously doesn’t participate in her upbringing

he doesn’t like her BF

he and his fiancée have made it clear that her BF is not welcome at their wedding and

He is marrying a woman she doesn’t like and who doesn’t like her.

so why the hell should she want to be a bridesmaid at their wedding ?

I can’t understand all these posters who say she will regret it, as if it’s every young woman’s dream to parade around in a long dress . Very few people apart from the B and G really care about any of it.

I have been in a similar situation, my DD ( who was a little older than the Ops ) Dd just politely declined the offer to be BM , citing that she had exams. none of my kids went to the wedding and guess what, it all went ahead without them.

The bride and groom didn’t really want then anyway, they were just there for window dressing to prove how much his kids loved his new partner. Which they didn’t. It was all a farce that they didn’t want to be part of.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:21

Catza · 01/12/2023 12:11

So what makes you think the adults have pots of money to spend on an unrelated child? No matter which way I look at it, I cannot find any justifications for the couple paying for a stranger's flight. We already established that the wedding is in the UK where the daughter knows people so she won't be alone.
The boyfriend is, presumably, willing to go and not being made to under duress. Therefore, he should be contributing.

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We actually haven't established who will be at the wedding that the daughter knows.

As for pots of money they seem to be making a big fuss out of the wedding.

Timetogosouth · 01/12/2023 12:21

I’m really surprised by some of the comments on here OP and wonder if a lot of people have missed that DD and her bf are still in the education . Her Dad should bear the cost of her getting to his wedding and it would have been nice if he covered the cost of her plus 1 too to make her feel more welcome and comfortable.

thebabessavedme · 01/12/2023 12:21

I agree with @YankeeDad this is his daughter FFS, still in full time education and would like to bring a friend, jeez! This girl is finding out what a nob her father is, all for the sake of a few quid.

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 12:22

N0TMYIDEA · 01/12/2023 12:19

So let me check I’ve got it right -

her father doesn’t support her financially ( £200/ month doesn’t

pay of half of the costs of feeding, housing , educating and and clothing a teenager )

he obviously doesn’t participate in her upbringing

he doesn’t like her BF

he and his fiancée have made it clear that her BF is not welcome at their wedding and

He is marrying a woman she doesn’t like and who doesn’t like her.

so why the hell should she want to be a bridesmaid at their wedding ?

I can’t understand all these posters who say she will regret it, as if it’s every young woman’s dream to parade around in a long dress . Very few people apart from the B and G really care about any of it.

I have been in a similar situation, my DD ( who was a little older than the Ops ) Dd just politely declined the offer to be BM , citing that she had exams. none of my kids went to the wedding and guess what, it all went ahead without them.

The bride and groom didn’t really want then anyway, they were just there for window dressing to prove how much his kids loved his new partner. Which they didn’t. It was all a farce that they didn’t want to be part of.

£200 a month. approx £6 a day!

I missed that.

Deadbeat dad if I ever saw one.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 12:23

YankeeDad · 01/12/2023 12:17

I am a Daddio, and I am firmly in camp DD. Were in the same situation, I would already have offered to pay for DD and her chosen +1.

If he had a little bit of empathy for his own daughter, he would understand she wants to have a friend with her at his wedding, especially if she is not that friendly with his future wife and has no other family members present besides her Dad who is otherwise occupied.

The point is not whether it is a boyfriend (who may or may not stick around) or a female friend, the point is to have someone she is comfortable and friendly with at the wedding.

Well said.

Bellyblueboy · 01/12/2023 12:23

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 10:20

Weekend job? Evening job? She's pretty much said unless they pay she'll no longer be a bridesmaid

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Expecting a teenager who is still at school to use her part time job to find her attendance at her dad’s wedding is just awful!

it’s not a holiday with her mates. Most parents would expect to cover their child’s travel expenses in this situation surely? She’s not thirty - she is still at school.