Ex and his wedding

[tukker]

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

Completely agree with you 💯

1 - I have not, I have read about 60% of the thread since it's start in depth. Most of the other posts I skimmed as it seem to be I dictating the same thing over and over again.

2 - Are you saying that because someone has strong feelings it justified them. It taking actions in the best interest of someone else?

Are you saying just because OP is unhappy about finances, they should stop being a loving parent and start reviewing DD BF abilities to support her daughter?

3 - It always surprises me when I am a male advocate for women in leadership positions. That I am aware of the quotas, 15-30% higher pay for women to encourage balance that most of society still asks/sulks about the men taking on financial responsibility. It's 2023 everyone, women on average earn more than Thier male counter part in the same positions based on the ONS data. The problem is paternity sqews the data making it look like women earn less. When laws are out in place to give ment equal time of there is going to be a major fight between the genders on who gets to take the year off to look after the kids. There are some really broken social views in this statement of the man not doing enought to support the child. I could turn it on it's head and ask why did OP no bleed herself to earn more and deal with the emotional trauma of earning more money while letting her DD get raised by family members. That's what your asking the man to do, so I. 2023 where equal rights should mean equal responsibility/opportunity why don't you push for that against all women?

Dad should have agreed pay for his daughter 100% and all meals included.

It wasn't reasonable to expect dad to pay for the BF, but she should have got a plus 1. Is I was the parent of the BF, I'd pay towards my son going.

The GF was out of line to text your DD. She's not off to a good start at all.

Your Ex, should be more grown up and his comments about no Christmas or birthday present are ridiculously childish. He's not shown himself in a good light at all.

what on earth are you blathering on about.?

all of this very hard to read and inaccurate ranting based on 60% of the posts.

male advocate for women in leadership- your medal's in the post.

and you keep using your when you should be using you're.

I agree, daughter should be paid for my dad but her boyfriend should be paying for himself. Or his parents, he doesn’t really need to be there does he it’s a preference.

Your post is irrelevant. I did actually earn more than my exh and paid for the lions share of everything when we were together and also when we split, which was 50/50. He has always resented me earning more, hence probably why he contributed very little to our Dd even though he had a stable, good paying job.
Every time I have asked for a contribution towards something ie school uniform etc etc its been well I give you 200 pm use that, it hasn't changed in 8 years. So for me to pay something towards his special day for his dd & bf to attend...no chance!!

Critically analyzing an entire 20+ post thread and their authors before 9am on Sunday...🙄

I get the sense that as you mentioned moving to europe, people have assumed your entire situation. Ie you are selfish and your daughters spoiled. You hate ex and you push that on daughter. Bollocks.

Regardless of the background of you moving, its incredibly brave. You said your daughter wants to be immersed in the language, in order to learn it. Youre bringing up a strong willed young woman, well done.

Her Dad sounds stuck between his wife and his Daughter. I think for all the hassle and sadness it is causing, he should just get it sorted. Maybe she can visit him prior to the wedding to talk in person.

I am almost certain from the posts, theres been emotional distance for some time. She is a teenage girl. That is his responsibility, not hers.

The GF is out of line of texting the DD, but she’s okay to stump up the cash for DD and her BF? Crikey that’s some serious bias.

I think it’s really disappointing to see some woman in this topic being venomous toward DF’s girlfriend.

I’m a proud a step mumma and very rarely have to get involved with anything to do with my SDs as my DH and his ex are adults that handle their business. There are times it’s got heated, but when you predominantly talk about money and emotions, that will happen. Sometimes my DH is in the right, sometimes he could have handled it better. He’s a bloke. I also take into account if they both had got on so well, they wouldn’t be divorced 😂

But what none of us in the blended family do is support any type of disagreement between the kids and an adult or expect the other parents to pick up costs that they didn’t anticipate.

It's not her cash, it's their cash, and his daughter.

1 - sorry I miss read the context of your message posted on 01/12/2023 13:22 concerning her heart's more than £25K. I took it to mean that you were bitter because her earned more than you and paid less.

2 - It's about relative income, if your the bread winner then your going to have to accept that you will always be paying more.Traditionally men would not rate or get upset if they earned more than there partner. Yet women will dump/divorce there partner if they earn less than them. It's funny I see more and more complaints like this.

Can I ask why you feel so angry doing more?

3 - Only a small number of people whom don't have to deal with large financial expenses will say you need to pay towards it. I have counted the names of quiet a bit of the posts and make them for and against you paying and it seems most agree you should not need to pay anything.

I don't know why you brought this up in response to my post. I clearly stated twice I don't think you need to pay anything.

So let me bullet point my opinion.

• I don't believe you should pay anything.
• ExH should pay everything for DD
• DD BF is responsible for Thier own finances.

4 - It's completely relevant, as a parent are you telling me it never crossed your mind that DD BF might not bee good for your daughter? That the fact he or his family can't or won't do what's nessary to be there for your daughter? That the blame has some how been sucked into the disagreement between you and your ExH?

Are you telling me that it's not come across as strange that the DD BF has stayed quiet about him being responsible for his own finances? What next? Will he stay silent on dates? Stay silent on morgages?

• Why is this boy given a free pass?
• Why have you focused on the ExH so much?

Not to other posters other than OP - Also note that as a defense mechanism some posters comments about my grammar. It's always amusing to watch people resign to nitpicking when they can't argue against the point.

It's like a kid being told it's unreasonable and then they reply your mother's unreasonable.

😂😂😂

He seems to be grown up to me

Explaining that he has financial limitations and that she should consider the payment of all expenses for DD BF a birthday/Christmas present.

Especially since OP clarified she earns more than ExH that changes things a lot.

The boyfriend should be given a "free pass" if it is important to the groom that his daughter (a) attends his wedding and (b) doesn't have a miserable time, because he is also a teenage boy who probably can't afford to spend his money on this.

Most of the time, if a guest can't afford to attend your wedding, you say, "Oh well, that's a shame" and cross them off the guest list. If you consider their attendance important, you do what is necessary to make it happen.

His daughter, whom he has failed to adequately support for the last eight years, considers that she and her boyfriend are a package deal.

Personally I can't imagine being unwilling to do such a minor thing to make my daughter feel happier about attending my wedding. But then I can't imagine failing to support her for 8 years either.

So my point stands, she’s okay to financially contribute but isn’t allowed an opinion or to get involved?

You can’t have it all ways. I don’t let my DH financially contribute towards anything I don’t want his opinion on 😉

I’m assuming he barely sees her and doesn’t know the boyfriend?? I can kind of understand why the BF is not invited and your daughter should have accepted that . You should have helped by explaining that to her from day one . How would you feel if you planned something as a big holiday and then had an extra few thousands of £ to pay because a 18 year old wanted a boyfriend?

I am a farther of a daughter.
I have noted 3 other posts from 3 other posters whom mentioning this and also seem to be male.

Giving a young partner weathers is male or female a free pass when they are responsible for themselves says alot.

Alot which is not good.

If it was my son or daughter, I would ask why they are not willing to support my son or daughter. Why others are covering for them.

It would indicate two things to me.

1 - My child is going to be the bread winner in this relationship and the partner is a passive individual. Willing to take but not give.
2 - The relationship does not mean that much to my child's partner that they will stay silent and let things be taken care of by people who are not responsible for them.
3 - The DD BF is treated as a child when they by law and societ view them as men. Why does that child not beg his parent for funds to support the relationship?
4 - As a farther do I want to pay for a person I do not know for a situation where the DD BF is not showing any initiative? Ie I am paying for basically them to get a romantic getaway in a private hotel?

Etc I could go on on every scenario and situation that fill a children's book.

Ultimately a free pass was given to some who has adult and legal responsibility. All the blame was shifted to the ExH.

It's a double standard.

Either your money is shared or it isn't.

If their money is shared (which would make sense if they are getting married), then he does have the right to unilaterally spend their money within reason, and saying, "my daughter's attendance at our wedding is important to me" is a very good reason to put his foot down and overrule her.

If their money isn't shared then of course he should pay for this from his own money.

My dd actually had her bf before the wedding was announced, exh gave dd 12 mths notice to get ready for it. I didnt know it was her plan to take bf at the start, I assumed she would go alone. And I have said he's not obliged to pay for bf.
It's dds decision, I really don't think she's bothered either way now she's got more important things to worry about tbh.

It's not about whether they know the boyfriend or not. It's about whether they want his daughter to come to the wedding and not be miserable. If they don't care about that then fine but she's under no moral obligation to go.

Pineapple princess would you have that attitude if the move was, say, a couple of hours away? My stepdaughter lived 40 miles from us and her mam refused point blank to do any transport always citing "you chose to move there" and it became a right pain. Even though my dh paid her fuel on top of maint. If someone lives a distance you shouldnt just expect them to fund their childs travel. It has to be reasonable and if its your own wedding and your child, you should pay. General contact maybe but not things like weddings.
As for bf, think he should fund himself really.

He can Get a part time job and pay for himself. They have only been together a few months!
He’s the fly in the ointment- no one else. Good life lesson- want to fly - save for ticket.

I very much doubt whether the boyfriend gives a shit about going. It's the daughter who needs moral support.

Now you’re making up BS to try to hold a point 🙄

😂😂😂

err the costs are estimated at £400 in total. France to the UK. baseless comparison