Page 23 | Ex and his wedding

tukker · 2023-12-01T09:42:00+00:00

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen. Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf.. The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed. Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family. The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?! It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 11:46

Loopylemon2 · 03/12/2023 11:16

Now you’re making up BS to try to hold a point 🙄

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What BS am I making up?

I'm not the one who made up an entirely imaginary scenario where the fiancée's family are paying for the whole wedding.

Beastieboys · 03/12/2023 11:50

Surely the answer is for the daughter and boyfriend to get jobs.....my grandsons both 16 yrs old are at college doing a trades courses and maths and work at costas/ burgerking so why can't they ??

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 03/12/2023 11:51

GaurdianKing · 03/12/2023 10:40

I am a farther of a daughter.
I have noted 3 other posts from 3 other posters whom mentioning this and also seem to be male.

Giving a young partner weathers is male or female a free pass when they are responsible for themselves says alot.

Alot which is not good.

If it was my son or daughter, I would ask why they are not willing to support my son or daughter. Why others are covering for them.

It would indicate two things to me.

1 - My child is going to be the bread winner in this relationship and the partner is a passive individual. Willing to take but not give.
2 - The relationship does not mean that much to my child's partner that they will stay silent and let things be taken care of by people who are not responsible for them.
3 - The DD BF is treated as a child when they by law and societ view them as men. Why does that child not beg his parent for funds to support the relationship?
4 - As a farther do I want to pay for a person I do not know for a situation where the DD BF is not showing any initiative? Ie I am paying for basically them to get a romantic getaway in a private hotel?

Etc I could go on on every scenario and situation that fill a children's book.

Ultimately a free pass was given to some who has adult and legal responsibility. All the blame was shifted to the ExH.

It's a double standard.

That's hilarious. I recall another father posting on this - YankeeDaddy (?) . He was a good guy. Try reading his post.

Tryingmybestadhd · 03/12/2023 11:51

Still , the op didn’t s the one that moved any body it’s to dad since mum still seems responsible for her should be paid by mum . Our step children live abroad as it was my partner that moved abroad ( to work not due to our relationship ) we pay all their travel costs so the way to solve this imo is have op pay half of the flight costs and send daughter spending money . , if it was just the daughter then I would say ex should pay as it’s a extra trip to his own wedding but since the daughter and op are adamant of a 18 years old taking a boyfriend, either the boyfriend parents pay or op should pay .

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 03/12/2023 11:53

Beastieboys · 03/12/2023 11:50

Surely the answer is for the daughter and boyfriend to get jobs.....my grandsons both 16 yrs old are at college doing a trades courses and maths and work at costas/ burgerking so why can't they ??

Try reading the thread and you'll find out why this "solution" isn't one.

Even if it were why on earth should daughter use her cash for this? And bf is going to support her. It's not a dream holiday for them.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 11:58

Beastieboys · 03/12/2023 11:50

Surely the answer is for the daughter and boyfriend to get jobs.....my grandsons both 16 yrs old are at college doing a trades courses and maths and work at costas/ burgerking so why can't they ??

Why?

It's not a holiday.

I doubt the boyfriend cares whether he goes or not.

This is entirely about whether the daughter goes to her father's wedding and what needs to be done to make her feel comfortable going.

They're doing him a favour by going, not the other way around.

Beastieboys · 03/12/2023 12:07

I should have been more clear I agree with the father paying for his daughters costs but I think if she wants the boyfriend to go with her then they should cover the flights at least and the father cover the food /accomodations. They will also need spending money so who covers that??

RobinStrike · 03/12/2023 12:15

Looking at the 2 days your DD is over there, including the wedding, who else will she see? Does she have grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins she could stay with and meet up with rather than staying on her own in a hotel? At 17/18 I wouldn’t have enjoyed travelling and staying in a hotel, eating out on my own. If there are no relatives she feels comforts with or who are going to welcome her I’m sure she needs a friend of her choice with her. Who are the children she will be expected to look after? Relatives? Does she know them? Does she know that will definitely be expected of her?
it seems to be a very uncomfortable few days for DD without any support. I asssume EXH will be busy with his new wife and her family and his younger daughter and all the other wedding guests. I worry the biggest reason DD won’t go is feeling isolated for so long if she has no one else she is close to. If she is close to family attending the wedding why on earth is she staying in a hotel!

Loopylemon2 · 03/12/2023 12:41

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 11:46

What BS am I making up?

I'm not the one who made up an entirely imaginary scenario where the fiancée's family are paying for the whole wedding.

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Nor did I? I think you’ll find what I said was that they could be and let’s be honest it’s not unheard of eh.

Unlike your scenario where you think any partner will go spend a couple of hundred from their joint account without consultation and any complaint from the GF he should just put his foot down.

The 1930’s called and they want your ridiculous opinion back.

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 12:46

Loopylemon2 · 03/12/2023 12:41

Nor did I? I think you’ll find what I said was that they could be and let’s be honest it’s not unheard of eh.

Unlike your scenario where you think any partner will go spend a couple of hundred from their joint account without consultation and any complaint from the GF he should just put his foot down.

The 1930’s called and they want your ridiculous opinion back.

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It doesn't matter who is paying for the wedding though.

And it has nothing to do with the 1930s, what a bizarre comment.

It has to do with the fact that the groom has a young adult daughter, and if he wants her to attend his wedding and show her support to this union in front of his family and friends he should do whatever it necessary to make her feel comfortable and happy about going. Spending a couple of hundred extra quid to make his daughter feel happier about attending the wedding is a drop in the ocean compared to the cost of the wedding itself and also compared to the money he has saved by not adequately contributing to her upbringing for the last 8 years.

If he isn't capable of communicating to his fiancée why it is important to facilitate his daughter's attendance at his wedding, or if he doesn't agree that it is important, then he's a shit excuse for a dad and his daughter should feel no guilt whatsoever about not going.

Andr0meda · 03/12/2023 13:07

Some really disgusting comments in here slandering a 17 y.o. and you as a mother and the way you brought her up. Your daughter has no obligation to be the mature one here. If her father puts his ego above her, she does not need him in her life. Zero thoughtfulness from his behalf and the impact the whole situation has on her or how she might be feeling. She NEEDS emotional support, as she is going in the pit of snakes where she feels unwanted.

And two 17 year old kids should not pay a penny for his wedding. He owes to accommodate for her plus one like most wedding invitations anyway usually do. Imagine if you were invited to a close family member's wedding but the invitation would not include your spouse. All weddings I was invited to stated plus one. I am sure this is the norm.

Osmond · 03/12/2023 13:20

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Myfabby · 03/12/2023 13:23

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you are an awful man. awful.

mrscatwoman · 03/12/2023 13:29

As I said previously, even if it was my own bio child, no way I would have invited their boyfriends/girlfriends at that age - someone just turned 18yo. Can you imagine looking at the photos in 10 years:
Me: ’who’s that’
Everyone: ’don’t know’, ‘not a clue’, ‘hang on, think that may have been some guy Lucy brought, but not sure’
Lucy: ‘I think so, I think that was Gary, no wait, his name was Paul, hang on I think it was Liam, actually I’m not sure’

Who in the world would give a shit if this happened? Really? It's part of life's rich tapestry surely, and would brighten up an otherwise boring as shit session looking at 10 year old photos of someone's second wedding. I am amazed that there are people who would put hypothetical situations about photos in the future ahead of their relationship with their child now. Fuck me.

CornishGem1975 · 03/12/2023 13:33

I know @mrscatwoman people are nuts. At my own wedding my daugther brought her best friend, they're no long friends but I've got no trauma from the fact that she's on photographs. The same way I'm not traumatised that Old Aunt Ethel has popped her clogs since. Who bloody cares who is on the photos?

seekinghappiness22 · 03/12/2023 13:34

Weddings are expensive and i wouldn’t pay for the boyfriend to travel either it’s up to him and his family to cover the cost if he wants to go. Your daughter is being unreasonable and you agreeing with it is making her feel entitled. I agree with others he is a new boyfriend who may not even around in a few months. Even if they were married it wouldn’t make a difference, your ex is willing to pay for his daughter to be a part of the wedding anyone else attending is usually expected to cover their own travel costs. at least.

Its not fair to put your own expectations on other people, just because YOU would do it doesn’t mean the father should.

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 13:37

No she shouldn't expect to bring her boyfriend. At that age they could split up the week after.

SandyY2K · 03/12/2023 13:54

*@Loopylemon2
The GF is out of line of texting the DD, but she’s okay to stump up the cash for DD and her BF?

Please tell me where I said SHE or anyone else should pay for the BF?

Crikey that’s some serious bias.

Dad SHOULD pay for his daughter.

I think it’s really disappointing to see some woman in this topic being venomous toward DF’s girlfriend.

I don't have any venom towards her, but she was out of line messaging the daughter. She should have left the communication to the father.

Loopylemon2 · 03/12/2023 13:55

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 12:46

It doesn't matter who is paying for the wedding though.

And it has nothing to do with the 1930s, what a bizarre comment.

It has to do with the fact that the groom has a young adult daughter, and if he wants her to attend his wedding and show her support to this union in front of his family and friends he should do whatever it necessary to make her feel comfortable and happy about going. Spending a couple of hundred extra quid to make his daughter feel happier about attending the wedding is a drop in the ocean compared to the cost of the wedding itself and also compared to the money he has saved by not adequately contributing to her upbringing for the last 8 years.

If he isn't capable of communicating to his fiancée why it is important to facilitate his daughter's attendance at his wedding, or if he doesn't agree that it is important, then he's a shit excuse for a dad and his daughter should feel no guilt whatsoever about not going.

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To be honest I’m going to bail out of responding to you here as you’re jumping all over the place with your opinions and grasping at nonexistent scenarios. Sadly, it just sound like you’re coming from a place of bitterness and this subject has touched a nerve, I’m not down for opening old wounds for anyone.

I hope you find peace 🙂

Loopylemon2 · 03/12/2023 13:57

@SandyY2K Just read back through the thread and you’ll find adequate responses 😉

MargotBamborough · 03/12/2023 14:30

Loopylemon2 · 03/12/2023 13:55

To be honest I’m going to bail out of responding to you here as you’re jumping all over the place with your opinions and grasping at nonexistent scenarios. Sadly, it just sound like you’re coming from a place of bitterness and this subject has touched a nerve, I’m not down for opening old wounds for anyone.

I hope you find peace 🙂

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You're massively projecting. Literally none of the OP's circumstances are applicable to me.

I just know that I did everything I could to make sure people had a good time at my wedding, including inviting partners I'd never met before. The idea of someone not doing likewise for a guest who is their 18 year old daughter from their first marriage is just wild to me. Of all the guests, she is probably the one whose feelings most need to be taken into account, and this is such a small and easy thing.

It's not hard to understand why the poor girl was OK with moving far away from her dad.

Jewel52 · 03/12/2023 14:45

User1775 · 01/12/2023 10:31

DD is using this as a test to see who her father picks - her or the gf. He will pick the gf and DD's relationship with him will be ruined. It is a shame but not uncommon. His gf has created this battleground over what? A few hundred pounds but she will get what she wants - rid of DD. It is a shame some men are so weak they allow this to happen.

This. But I wouldn’t call it weakness but self interest. Your daughter probably wasn’t the new gf’s first choice of bridesmaid so having an excuse to ditch her is playing into her hands. I don’t think it’s remotely entitled for your dd to want some support on the day she sees her dad create a new family and it’s irrelevant whether her current bf is around forever or not. If I were in your shoes I’d pay the bf’s flight. You don’t want her to have any excuse to blame you for missing her dad’s wedding. Sounds like she’s had lots of adjustment to a whole new life abroad. Take this on the chin because I strongly suspect your ex will only be a token dad going forward. I’d say “I’ll pay the fare because your dad would miss you and I know you want somebody on your team” through gritted teeth and then congratulate yourself for being an amazing mum!

Myfabby · 03/12/2023 14:45

Loopylemon2 · 03/12/2023 13:55

To be honest I’m going to bail out of responding to you here as you’re jumping all over the place with your opinions and grasping at nonexistent scenarios. Sadly, it just sound like you’re coming from a place of bitterness and this subject has touched a nerve, I’m not down for opening old wounds for anyone.

I hope you find peace 🙂

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Sounds like you're the one who needs to find peace. Good luck!

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 03/12/2023 16:04

Jewel52 · 03/12/2023 14:45

This. But I wouldn’t call it weakness but self interest. Your daughter probably wasn’t the new gf’s first choice of bridesmaid so having an excuse to ditch her is playing into her hands. I don’t think it’s remotely entitled for your dd to want some support on the day she sees her dad create a new family and it’s irrelevant whether her current bf is around forever or not. If I were in your shoes I’d pay the bf’s flight. You don’t want her to have any excuse to blame you for missing her dad’s wedding. Sounds like she’s had lots of adjustment to a whole new life abroad. Take this on the chin because I strongly suspect your ex will only be a token dad going forward. I’d say “I’ll pay the fare because your dad would miss you and I know you want somebody on your team” through gritted teeth and then congratulate yourself for being an amazing mum!

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Oh I approve of that ! I'm very much in the ex should pay for daughter and bf camp, but there's something to be said for climbing on to the moral high ground.

CatA27 · 03/12/2023 16:12

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 13:37

No she shouldn't expect to bring her boyfriend. At that age they could split up the week after.

Having just split up with my husband of 30 years, so could anyone, even the bride and groom!!!