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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 02/12/2023 23:33

The thing that stands out to me is why would she even want to be bridesmaid for someone ‘she doesn’t like’ ? If she just wanted to support her dad as you claim, she could have turned down being a bridesmaid and just be a guest? It sounds like ex and girlfriend wanted her to be involved in the wedding.

they are perfectly within their rights to say no to accommodating and paying for a boyfriend who may or may not be around next year, and I can see why the girlfriend is reluctant to have her as bridesmaid anymore after all this kick off and drama, from what I can see they were paying for DD to go, the problems have only arisen when she’s demanding to bring her boyfriend and for them to pay for that?

you sound like you’re actually stoking this fire with your own opinions of your ex and his girlfriend, rather than being the voice of reason as you claim you are, ultimately they are never going to have a close relationship anymore when they live in separate countries, it’s not either’s fault, I doubt your daughter has time for her dad with all the new stuff she’s going on, and he’s got his family there, so it’s unfair to JUST blame your ex for the lack of a relationship between them, it was you that moved her away from them, but you are flat out refusing to accept that as a contributing factor in them not being as close anymore.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 23:33

Loopylemon2 · 02/12/2023 23:29

So everyone needs to accommodate the DD, but she’s not to be accommodating?

Also, in all seriousness would you be okay with your limited budget (cause clearly they’re not millionaires) and your hard earned money or that of your family’s paying for a stranger to be at your family wedding? DD is not the brides child, so you’re spending her money/budget.

In addition, when me and my DH paid for our wedding I can assure you it was completely about what we wanted and chose. It was all about us 😁

Show quote history

What is she supposed to be accommodating exactly?

She doesn't want to go to the wedding without her boyfriend because she knows she'll have a shit time. She can't afford to pay all the costs of attending herself, because she's 18. She also can't be forced to attend, because she's 18. And the OP obviously shouldn't be paying for her daughter (with or without the boyfriend) to attend her ex husband's wedding to another woman, because that would be fucking ridiculous.

So.

Does he want his daughter at his wedding or not?

If he does, it's on him to facilitate her attendance.

PS - yes, if I were getting married I would consider the groom's daughter to be one of the most important guests and of course she should be allowed to bring her boyfriend if she wants to. "Stranger" or not. Because it would be important to me for her to attend and for her to have a good time.

Badgrief · 02/12/2023 23:38

Can't you put in a claim for him to pay appropriate maintenance for your daughter? Then you could use this towards paying some of the costs for bf to go too.

Loopylemon2 · 02/12/2023 23:44

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 23:33

What is she supposed to be accommodating exactly?

She doesn't want to go to the wedding without her boyfriend because she knows she'll have a shit time. She can't afford to pay all the costs of attending herself, because she's 18. She also can't be forced to attend, because she's 18. And the OP obviously shouldn't be paying for her daughter (with or without the boyfriend) to attend her ex husband's wedding to another woman, because that would be fucking ridiculous.

So.

Does he want his daughter at his wedding or not?

If he does, it's on him to facilitate her attendance.

PS - yes, if I were getting married I would consider the groom's daughter to be one of the most important guests and of course she should be allowed to bring her boyfriend if she wants to. "Stranger" or not. Because it would be important to me for her to attend and for her to have a good time.

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She's an adult, which means you compromise in life, so if her dad said no to the boyfriend, she accommodates that and not throw a tantrum.

It's a few days, pretty sure she would manage. And quite honestly if she can't, then yeah, don't go and pretty sure they won't miss her sulking. But it doesn't need to be made out because her DF is some flake for not forking out on a stranger.

The OP chose to move overseas with DD.

So

Why should her ex have to cover additional costs because of her decisions made to suit her lifestyle. That's fucking ridiculous.

Ps. The world doesn't need to evolve around one person and refusing to pay for a boyfriend doesn't mean she's not important to them, just means the boyfriend isn't important to them lol

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 23:47

Loopylemon2 · 02/12/2023 23:44

She's an adult, which means you compromise in life, so if her dad said no to the boyfriend, she accommodates that and not throw a tantrum.

It's a few days, pretty sure she would manage. And quite honestly if she can't, then yeah, don't go and pretty sure they won't miss her sulking. But it doesn't need to be made out because her DF is some flake for not forking out on a stranger.

The OP chose to move overseas with DD.

So

Why should her ex have to cover additional costs because of her decisions made to suit her lifestyle. That's fucking ridiculous.

Ps. The world doesn't need to evolve around one person and refusing to pay for a boyfriend doesn't mean she's not important to them, just means the boyfriend isn't important to them lol

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She doesn't have to accommodate anything.

If she doesn't want to go without her boyfriend, she doesn't have to.

If her dad wants her there, he needs to do whatever is necessary to enable her to attend. He can't force her to attend against her will/budgetary constraints.

The point about maintenance is mainly relevant in the sense that he's saved so much money by not paying towards his daughter's upkeep that he should be able to stretch to this.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 23:50

Loopylemon2 · 02/12/2023 23:29

So everyone needs to accommodate the DD, but she’s not to be accommodating?

Also, in all seriousness would you be okay with your limited budget (cause clearly they’re not millionaires) and your hard earned money or that of your family’s paying for a stranger to be at your family wedding? DD is not the brides child, so you’re spending her money/budget.

In addition, when me and my DH paid for our wedding I can assure you it was completely about what we wanted and chose. It was all about us 😁

Show quote history

Yes exactly this.

It's fine that on top of the normal wedding expenses, dad has to pay for flights because OP moved the child to a different country. It's definitely not fine that OP should contribute to the cost she's caused, from the distance she alone created.

It's fine that dad should pay for language lessons that are only required because the child's mum wants to live abroad. It's not fine that OP should be fully responsible for her child needing to learn the language because OP, alone chose to move them to that country.

It's fine that dad should be expected to spend his only family holiday renting a room round the corner from where OP chose to relocate. It's not fine that dad, his wife to be and their child don't want to spend their life holidaying wherever OP relocates too.

Live where you like. But understand, that if you move a child out of the country, the relationship with the parent you actively leave behind, will change.

Katej82 · 02/12/2023 23:53

Personally if it were us we would have flown them both welcomed them he's her dad! As an step mum she should be making a big effort not giving ultimatums and dad should be showing how much he wants her there by calling DD so should the bridezilla. We're a blended family and that's me if it were my SD I would have paid her flight and food and everything she's family and said a plus 1 it's awful her being put under so much pressure by them. I completely agree with you 💯👍

ExTheCheater · 02/12/2023 23:54

Yes yabu I'm sure her bf can survive a week without her. Why would they want to pay for him?!

Loopylemon2 · 02/12/2023 23:57

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 23:47

She doesn't have to accommodate anything.

If she doesn't want to go without her boyfriend, she doesn't have to.

If her dad wants her there, he needs to do whatever is necessary to enable her to attend. He can't force her to attend against her will/budgetary constraints.

The point about maintenance is mainly relevant in the sense that he's saved so much money by not paying towards his daughter's upkeep that he should be able to stretch to this.

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So the maintenance of the relationship just falls on DF? In no way shape or form does DD have a responsibility? Because even the OP noted she was trying to stay out of it as it was between them.

Personally, I'm a strong believer in the fact that no matter the type of relationship (DD/DF) if someone is being difficult and bringing shit energy to a situation, then walk away. It’s not worth it and it sounds like DF is doing that.

Thats a bit of a keyboard warrior response, as most people would be begrudging or reluctant to pay any money towards an ex’s decision that was a lifestyle choice not a necessity.

waytooearlyforthis · 03/12/2023 00:06

PurpleTinsel555 · 01/12/2023 10:18

In my family it would be expected that DD would have a plus one (boyfriend, friend, whatever) and your ex would pay for their flights, accommodation, etc. They're a guest to facilitate your daughter having a nice time at the wedding. I would see it as a small price to pay for my daughter to feel comfortable and enjoy herself.

The crux of the issue here, I feel, is that your daughter, her father and his soon-to-be wife don't have a close or loving relationship. Your ex and his gf are being stubborn about this because it doesn't matter enough to them for your DD to be at the wedding and enjoy herself. (A little part of the gf may not even want her there.) They're the adults. This situation is on them.

Completely agree.

Why is the GF texting the OP's DD and not the father? If I was the father I'd want to make sure she was comfortable and it doesn't seem a big price to pay to keep everyone happy. Agreed it's the soon to be step mother trying to pull rank and probably wants the OP's DD not to go anyway

waytooearlyforthis · 03/12/2023 00:08

Katej82 · 02/12/2023 23:53

Personally if it were us we would have flown them both welcomed them he's her dad! As an step mum she should be making a big effort not giving ultimatums and dad should be showing how much he wants her there by calling DD so should the bridezilla. We're a blended family and that's me if it were my SD I would have paid her flight and food and everything she's family and said a plus 1 it's awful her being put under so much pressure by them. I completely agree with you 💯👍

Completely agreed

HoppingPavlova · 03/12/2023 00:35

The world doesn't need to evolve around one person and refusing to pay for a boyfriend doesn't mean she's not important to them, just means the boyfriend isn't important to them lol

This. As I said previously, even if it was my own bio child, no way I would have invited their boyfriends/girlfriends at that age - someone just turned 18yo. Can you imagine looking at the photos in 10 years:
Me: ’who’s that’
Everyone: ’don’t know’, ‘not a clue’, ‘hang on, think that may have been some guy Lucy brought, but not sure’
Lucy: ‘I think so, I think that was Gary, no wait, his name was Paul, hang on I think it was Liam, actually I’m not sure’

I know that anyone can have a break up but it’s very different when you can say ‘that was David’s ex-wife Liz’, or ‘yes, we remember, that’s Steve’s ex-girlfriend Bianca, they’d been together for 6 years at the time of the wedding and we knew her quite well, sad it only lasted another two years after that’. It’s ridiculous to think the average boyfriend of a 17yo will make two years, and to be frank there is no way I’d even buy them a plane ticket for an event 7 months away as she could easily change boyfriends or not have one at the time. Even if he stayed the distance that long, I’d not want him in the background of photos for the event.

Nonass · 03/12/2023 00:36

I think this is a sign of things to come, unfortunately. It looks like your ex is allowing his new partner to interfere in what should be a conversation between him and his daughter. It rarely goes well.
Personally I would encourage him to talk to your daughter but also put in a word about her being more comfortable if she had her bf there for support. Suggest that it isn't such a good idea to pit his new partner against his daughter on this one and he might regret not putting his hand in his pocket over this. It will have long term repurcussions.

Atsocta · 03/12/2023 00:55

I think at 18 they should pay and sort with your ex for themselves…. After all your ex is nowt to do with you. They’re not children and it shouldn’t involve you who does or doesn’t go …end of 🙄

waytooearlyforthis · 03/12/2023 00:56

Atsocta · 03/12/2023 00:55

I think at 18 they should pay and sort with your ex for themselves…. After all your ex is nowt to do with you. They’re not children and it shouldn’t involve you who does or doesn’t go …end of 🙄

So at 18 the OP should stop supporting her daughter and not have an opinion on anything? That's ridiculous

waytooearlyforthis · 03/12/2023 00:59

It's very much about the OP's daughter and and her father and how good their relationship is. If it's usually very close maybe the boyfriend is just an plus one but if as it seems there's been previous issues, he's not just an plus one, he'd be there to make her feel comfortable. Think this is what's being missed by a lot of posters.

Sumthingsweet · 03/12/2023 01:07

lol …. Wow I guess you could keep the thread going until June ?

Loopylemon2 · 03/12/2023 01:12

waytooearlyforthis · 03/12/2023 00:59

It's very much about the OP's daughter and and her father and how good their relationship is. If it's usually very close maybe the boyfriend is just an plus one but if as it seems there's been previous issues, he's not just an plus one, he'd be there to make her feel comfortable. Think this is what's being missed by a lot of posters.

Someone makes a really good point in another post. If she feels that uncomfortable at her DFs wedding, why go at all. Their relationship must be obviously strained and so it would come as no surprise to him and I can’t imagine he’d protest that much.

Saves everyone a lot of BS.

pikkumyy77 · 03/12/2023 01:44

In a parenyt child relationship the onus is absolutely on the parent to maintain the relationship—its on the father to do whatever he has to to see his daughter, to support and encourage her, even if she moved away. Its not up to her.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 03/12/2023 02:39

It's not up to her? She's nearly 18. You clearly don't know young people of that age..

HamBone · 03/12/2023 02:49

I assume that your elder DD will also be at the wedding as she lives in the UK? If so, your DD will have her to keep her company at the wedding- I don’t think that her bf really needed to go ( not that he is now anyway).

I also don’t think that an 18-year-old needs anyone to travel with them on a European flight, especially to a country they’re familiar with.

I do think that your ex should fully pay for your DD’s flight and accommodation though.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 03/12/2023 03:04

HamBone · 03/12/2023 02:49

I assume that your elder DD will also be at the wedding as she lives in the UK? If so, your DD will have her to keep her company at the wedding- I don’t think that her bf really needed to go ( not that he is now anyway).

I also don’t think that an 18-year-old needs anyone to travel with them on a European flight, especially to a country they’re familiar with.

I do think that your ex should fully pay for your DD’s flight and accommodation though.

The OP has already said the older sister will not be at the wedding. The ex isn't her father.

Loopylambs · 03/12/2023 03:17

They wanted you to pay for flight? They will have to pay for food for two days? I wouldn’t expect my teenage daughter to attend by herself , won’t be much fun for her . Not very welcoming, inviting daughter from abroad who’s a teenager and charging her for food. Weddings are expensive, but can’t feed his own daughter and her partner for a couple of days. Dad needs to prioritise his daughter if he wants a relationship with her in the future .

Dorosomethingbeautiful · 03/12/2023 06:39

You are being unreasonable. DD's bf doesn't have to go for the wedding and your Ex doesn't isn't obliged to pay for his ticket either. If you and DD are so keen on him going then you, dd or the boyfriend should pay for his ticket

Dorosomethingbeautiful · 03/12/2023 06:43

@tukker just read your update about DD deciding not to go to the wedding. You and dd sound really entitled. I think the dad and gf are being very generous offering to pay £100. Why don't you pay the rest of the money since you really want her to go with the bf?