Ex and his wedding

[tukker]

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

a pint of water and a painkiller and hopefully your hangover won't be too bad

Good idea. I'll need a clear head for all the maintenance calculations.

GF doesn't want her there but she doesn't want her soon to be husband to know. She should call her father and block the GF.

My venue wasn’t very big and I don’t think they did many weddings: we had to confirm numbers early on. One thing I was fussy about was not having strangers there. I know the bf has met the dad/gf, but he hasn’t been given an invitation and I don’t think it’s fair for the dd to try to push that issue at someone’s wedding.

I agree with pp, the dd should block the gf and deal only with her df.

Don't be silly. I'm sure your husband would never leave you.

Bringing her BF at a wedding at 17... As a native European that's pretty weird!! Your ex should talk to his/your daughter and tell her so. And if he hasn't the guts to do it then he should accomodate and pay for both. He shouldn't let his fiancee to talk to his daughter. What a spineless man!

OP, X is going to do what he wants and you won’t be able to do anything about it, so debating whether it is right or wrong here is pointless. From your posts, it doesn’t seem like X was the most involved father for the first 7 years after the divorce, so expecting anything different now is kind of pointless. My following advice is colored from the experience of being the child of divorced parents who both went on to make new families with new spouses.

First, I think you should apologize to your DD for any negative opinions you have expressed about X. Explain that his behavior towards her upset you, but you shouldn’t have expressed anything other than you love her and are there to support her. Vent to your friends, therapist, online, but never to DD. When DD complains about X, say something like “I’m sorry you are hurting. How can I help you?”. Saying negative things about X to DD is going to hurt DD.

Next, encourage DD to discuss this situation with X and try to work it out with him. At this point, DD should stop texting with GF and have a private phone conversation with her father. I would recommend she make notes about what she wants to say, why she doesn’t want to go without BF and what she wants from X in relation to their relationship. If DD struggles to articulate this, it would probably be helpful to get her a family counselor to work this out or even mediate the conversation with X.

You haven’t elaborated on DD’s relationship with her paternal family, but if there is anyone she has a good relationship with, I would encourage her to find a way to keep regular contact with them. It isn’t your job to facilitate contact with X’s family, but if there isn’t anything negative or toxic in their behavior towards DD, it will benefit her to have those relationships, especially because it seems like X replaced her with his “new family with GF”.

My personal opinion is that X should pay for DD and a guest to attend his wedding. He created a situation where DD feels like she needs someone she’s comfortable with when visiting his family. He created the distance in his relationship with his child and failed to facilitate her becoming closer to his partner and future children. The first step in fixing this would be to show willingness to accommodate DD, and of course telling off GF. I have a feeling you are of the same opinion, but under no circumstances should you share that with DD.

Look, you're entitled to make whatever rules you want about your own wedding.

And other people are entitled to say "fuck that" and not go.

So if I knew that someone didn't want to come to my wedding without her boyfriend, and I wanted her to come to my wedding, I'd invite the boyfriend even if I would prefer not to have anyone I didn't know at my wedding.

Ultimately you can say "my wedding, my rules" but you cannot then cry and moan and feel hard done by if your rules damage your relationship with people who are important to you.

But when he does, and I emigrate with all the children, I'll know exactly where to come for maintenance advice

Oh yeah, for a simple fee I'll have you sorted.

Sign me up. Your ability to determine maintenance, whilst having none of the relevant information to ascertain that, and to bypass the actual issues in hand, is second to none.

you're over tired now and getting irritable.

off you toddle.

Ahhhhh... Just seen how you conduct yourself on other threads...

I see the penis apologists are out in force limboing under a bar set in hell to defend the ex.

If I’ve got it right, OP and her DD are awful, entitled, poor ex bashing harridans because they don’t want to shell out or get a job to pay for the DD to go to the wedding where she’s not particularly wanted, where some support on a difficult day would be welcome, to facilitate a relationship with a disinterested father and hostile new partner and if she doesn’t go she’ll regret it because she’ll be missing out on…what exactly?

And as always on these threads, some nice misogynistic name throwing being flung at a young woman to defend a lazy, feckless father and his new wife.

If paying more than £100 and 2 nights b&b for 2 is too much for Dear Dad to have his daughter comfortable at his wedding, maybe, just maybe, the DD is not the entitled one.

That's funny I was just reading your thread.

You were a bit irritable on that one too!

It's ok. You can't discuss, have paddys, and call people petulant/shit/toddlers.

Usually when you can't answer their pretty standard observation that undermines your opinion.

I see that now.

It's cool.

'have paddys'?

we don't use that term in 2023.

The thing is, you are (as we all are) making assumptions.

The bride’s family could have made a large contribution to the wedding budget, if so why should that be used on stranger. They could be on restricted numbers (venues have capacities), so if they have had to not invite people as a result, why should they facilitate a stranger instead. Ultimately, they shouldn’t feel obligated to invite anyone they don’t want to.

The DD should be adult enough to also maintain a relationship with her DF. She asked, they said no, that’s life, it’s their event. If because of that she now refuses to attend, which is her choice, it absolutely doesn’t fall on her DF if they have a bad relationship.

Don’t know if you intended it, but this just smacks of someone who is bitter.

Oooooh you can jump on that instead of irrelevant maintenance now eh . It's actually in common use, but if you want, use "tantrum" instead.

Honestly, it's cool. I see on virtually a daily basis you tell people it's past their bedtime, or call them "shit", or accuse them of being drunk.

If you need to do that, its ok.

Ssssh I'm still reading through the thread where your dad thinks your husband in untrutworthy.

It was probably past my bed time...

It's not all about the bride's family, regardless of who is paying.

It's about two families joining together.

If being able to bring her boyfriend is important to the daughter, not accommodating that is very short sighted. Her father should put his foot down, not let his partner call the shots (if that is what is happening).

They can be difficult and unwelcoming towards his daughter if they want, but any consequences will be on them.

Contrary to popular belief, your wedding is not actually all about you.

I would stay out of it and let your daughter fight her own battle - difficult I know. Your ex should definitely be paying for her flight but to be fair I don’t think he is required to pay for the boyfriends.

So everyone needs to accommodate the DD, but she’s not to be accommodating?

Also, in all seriousness would you be okay with your limited budget (cause clearly they’re not millionaires) and your hard earned money or that of your family’s paying for a stranger to be at your family wedding? DD is not the brides child, so you’re spending her money/budget.

In addition, when me and my DH paid for our wedding I can assure you it was completely about what we wanted and chose. It was all about us 😁