Page 18 | Ex and his wedding

tukker · 2023-12-01T09:42:00+00:00

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen. Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf.. The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed. Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family. The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?! It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

Original poster

tukker · 02/12/2023 21:41

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:29

Oh yes that's exactly what I said

Evidently you think it's no real issue moving a child to a different country. It's that trivial, it's merely you being "allowed a life." And the consequences of that choice to the child and the other parent? Not your problem.

Everyone else doesn't have to live their life acting how you think they should, based around the fact you chose to emigrate and take a joint child with you.

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She could have left home at 16 if she wanted to! That's not even the issue here.
Me moving abroad with a joint child who wanted to move for her own future? She might not have liked it and moved to her dads. Her dad has another child he's more invested in, dd can see that she's not stupid.

OP posts:

Alipops1967 · 02/12/2023 21:42

Why do WEAK MEN let THEIR GF'S lay all the ground rules down
This One (the gf) needs telling straight !!!! coz it looks like your Ex hasn't got the balls he was born with
So I think your Daughter and her BF should call your EX and Bridezilla's bluff and pull out of going all together
I get it's her dad and all that but if he's going to sit back and be dictated to well that's his loss and the Whole reason for maybe why HIS daughter won't be attending

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 21:42

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:39

Except you've got no idea what he did. OP hasn't said. He could have seen her daily. 50/50 only relates to where the child sleeps for maintenance purposes. Maybe once a week. Maybe three times a week. Maybe once month. You know nothing, and neither do I.

Doesn't stop you announcing what a poor father he is though, eh?

And I'm not a second wife, nor a first wife now divorced. Neither do I have anything remotely similar to this in my life. So, sorry to disappoint, but my opinion, as many others, about OP's choices are simply because they are the cause of all this.

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I know you're simply loathe to mention money but a good father doesn't shirk their financial responsibilities towards their child. That's just a pesky little fact.

Original poster

tukker · 02/12/2023 21:42

butterpuffed · 02/12/2023 21:35

Op , you're not missing a chance to put your ex down , with all the digs . I guess you talk about him to your DD in the same way as you're talking to us . Don't you think this will have an influence on her in the way she gets on with her dad ?

And he doesn't talk to DD in a similar manner about me?!

OP posts:

butterpuffed · 02/12/2023 21:46

tukker · 02/12/2023 21:42

And he doesn't talk to DD in a similar manner about me?!

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Well , that just puts both of you in a bad light , you should both try and get on better , for her sake . FGS , you've been divorced for 8 years !

Myfabby · 02/12/2023 21:48

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:39

Except you've got no idea what he did. OP hasn't said. He could have seen her daily. 50/50 only relates to where the child sleeps for maintenance purposes. Maybe once a week. Maybe three times a week. Maybe once month. You know nothing, and neither do I.

Doesn't stop you announcing what a poor father he is though, eh?

And I'm not a second wife, nor a first wife now divorced. Neither do I have anything remotely similar to this in my life. So, sorry to disappoint, but my opinion, as many others, about OP's choices are simply because they are the cause of all this.

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You are right. OP is horrible. She's made terrible choices. Her daughter is spoilt. Happy now?

namechangnancy · 02/12/2023 21:53

@tukker look as much as I get the anger.

But there is anotheroption. My ex speaks badly about me I'm sure. But I don't do it because my focus is on my dd wellbeing, not scoring points on my ex.

Also when children grow they see two sides and when you throw mud it only sticks to the person throwing it.

Also it damages the child in the middle.

I won't personally put my daughter in the middle of that and my ex is a real piece of work. Rise above it has new meaning when you know that talking shit about their dad - doesn't hurt him but damages your child.

As I said no one's in your scenario coming out of this looking great but realistically your best place is to listen to her but stay out of it.

I really wouldn't feed the your dads awful because he won't pay for your bfs flight... because one day you might be in a position to say no and won't be able to in fear of her thinking your awful.. not the strongest place to parent from imo.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2023 21:59

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 19:40

I think the tenuous point is that the large amount of money required is because OP moved the child to a different country.

And it makes a difference if the father fully supported this decision, or couldn't afford the time and expense to battle OP and her personal choices through the courts and "agreed" on that basis, which isn't actually agreeing, it's resigning to, "well, I don't have the resources to stop you, so I guess I can't stop you taking the child".

The expenses only exist because of OP's choices for their joint child.

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The man pays £200 a month for his dd and has refused to contribute more, even expecting her mum to subsidise her food and originally her flight. From what op is saying, it isn’t difficult to deduce his monthly expenses would be far more had op made different choices for their joint child and remained in the uk.

PepperRed · 02/12/2023 22:01

I do not suppose you will come back on here Op after all the silly imaginative critic's comments. If you do, just want to say Ex sounds a mean idiot. Hope DD not too upset by situation and that it works out.

Original poster

tukker · 02/12/2023 22:01

I am actually on the fence with this nd ive said i can seeboth sides! It's DDs choice what she does, I really couldn't care. She'll be 18 by then it's up to her.
I don't want to be involved hence asking for peoples opinions on here which might not have been a great idea 😀.

OP posts:

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 22:02

Myfabby · 02/12/2023 21:48

You are right. OP is horrible. She's made terrible choices. Her daughter is spoilt. Happy now?

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Does someone having to be accountable for the consequences of their actions mean you're calling them horrible?

No. No it doesn't.

But I guess entitled isn't a million miles from spoilt. So, to-may-to, to-mah-to on that one.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 22:04

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 21:42

I know you're simply loathe to mention money but a good father doesn't shirk their financial responsibilities towards their child. That's just a pesky little fact.

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Just how badly have you been shafted on maintenance for this to be the only thing you can repeatedly focus on?

namechangnancy · 02/12/2023 22:08

tukker · 02/12/2023 22:01

I am actually on the fence with this nd ive said i can seeboth sides! It's DDs choice what she does, I really couldn't care. She'll be 18 by then it's up to her.
I don't want to be involved hence asking for peoples opinions on here which might not have been a great idea 😀.

Nah I think asking for opinions is a good thing.

Although you may have started world war four on this thread 😅 who knew. People get very passionate and you mentioned the trifecta ex new baby and marriage which really rattles peoples cages.

Go with your gut instincts. I hope however it pans out it works out in the end.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 22:09

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 22:04

Just how badly have you been shafted on maintenance for this to be the only thing you can repeatedly focus on?

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I'm happy to say never. But I'm sure you're aware that lots of women are shafted on maintenance. Perhaps you find it a trivial matter but lots of women are under real financial strain because their ex has decided to renege on his financial responsibilities. It's a depressingly common occurrence and not the action of a good parent.

How lovely for you that you can so blithely dismiss it as a tiresome detail.

MaitreKarlsson · 02/12/2023 22:10

Op, by my reckoning youve had about 50:50 in favour of your DD; or your husband and his new wife. Maybe just do a vote? I think the people who have some experience of this situation know that the best thing long term is probably to smooth things over, so that your DDs relationship with your ex stays postive in future. But clearly not everyone feels that way.

OhwhyOY · 02/12/2023 22:14

Like others have said DD is an adult now (almost) so you just have to let them get on with their relationship, and be there to support her as it sounds like you have been doing. In your shoes I'd do the same. I doubt she'd enjoy the wedding anyway if this is how he behaves, she's not going yo be prioritised is she? If she doesn't go then make sure she sends a nice card and posts it online/in family WhatsApp group etc wishing them a happy day etc etc. If feeling vindictive ahe could add she wishes she could have been there but sadly she didn't have any money to pay for the trip, hopefully exH will get it in tye neck from grandma etc...

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 22:17

tukker · 02/12/2023 21:41

She could have left home at 16 if she wanted to! That's not even the issue here.
Me moving abroad with a joint child who wanted to move for her own future? She might not have liked it and moved to her dads. Her dad has another child he's more invested in, dd can see that she's not stupid.

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She could have left home at 16 if she wanted to!

What a weird thing to say. And even if she did, she's not emigrating alone at 16, is she.

That's not even the issue here.

Correct

Me moving abroad with a joint child who wanted to move for her own future?

Well, that covers you and her.

She might not have liked it and moved to her dads.

Please. You're suggesting that if she hadn't liked it, you'd have happily stayed in a different country alone and watched your only child move back to the UK to her dad's?

Her dad has another child he's more invested in, dd can see that she's not stupid.

Well, naturally it would look that way, because he's in a family unit, daily with that child. That's down to you and him, not "another child."

You speak badly about him to DD. You agree she should be upset if his (and his family's) holiday is somewhere other than round the corner from you in the country you chose.

Was his wife to be, the other woman? I know you say you are on the fence, but you're so far from neutral on this.

Loopylemon2 · 02/12/2023 22:19

Hands up, I'm a second wife and I've not read every single post in this thread, but here's my take.

Regardless of the reasons (of which there could be many), they've only asked your daughter to participate in the day, not her boyfriend, and that's a choice they're allowed to make. Nobody should be emotionally blackmailed into inviting someone they don’t know to their special day.

I cannot tell you how many times I've gone to events where people I'm not that keen on have been at, but you suck it up for the sake of the person you are there for. So it's a weak justification for not being at the wedding.

In my circumstances, I'm really lucky as our blended family all get along, but that's because we are ALL very relaxed and understanding of each others lives and give/take. But if my Dhex moved to another country, you bet ya I wouldn't want any of my money/budget to have to finance any travel, let alone a strangers travel and nor would I want to go without as a result of my DH having to fund travel and being skint. I’d feel the same about the school fees, you took your DD overseas, so yeah, if you want her to integrate in the culture, you facilitate that and shouldn’t really expect anyone else to cover that cost.

Does all this mean I don't care or dislike my SD, absolutely not. I’m just not down for stretching money we haven't got even further or going without for other people's decisions.

I hope for a good all round resolution for you all.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 22:20

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 22:09

I'm happy to say never. But I'm sure you're aware that lots of women are shafted on maintenance. Perhaps you find it a trivial matter but lots of women are under real financial strain because their ex has decided to renege on his financial responsibilities. It's a depressingly common occurrence and not the action of a good parent.

How lovely for you that you can so blithely dismiss it as a tiresome detail.

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Well look, you wrote a lot of words.

masterblaster · 02/12/2023 22:22

Kids are idiots.

If everyone is still at school, dd gets all expenses no question, from DH.

I would suggest 1/3 dd + bf, 1/3 you, 1/3 bf’s parents for bf.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 22:23

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 22:20

Well look, you wrote a lot of words.

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Oh dear. You're now just coming across as a petulant little child. Maybe time for beddy-byes.

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2023 22:24

Of course he should pay but I can understand his fiancée not wanting to have her bf there when arrangements have already been made, plus she’ll surely have her dad’s family there for her to spend time with at the wedding, so she won’t be alone.

ElaineJo · 02/12/2023 22:25

I'm quite stunned at some of the replies you have had. Since you have been apart for 8 years it's unbelievable that people think you should pay for DD to go to exH wedding.
I would have done the same as you, stay out of it. If exH has maintained a solid relationship with DD, and given her age, neither should need you to intermediate their relationship.
I'm guessing you may be more cautious about putting issues out for comment in future!
However you have fought your corner well!

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 22:26

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 22:23

Oh dear. You're now just coming across as a petulant little child. Maybe time for beddy-byes.

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Ah. The irony.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 22:29

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2023 22:24

Of course he should pay but I can understand his fiancée not wanting to have her bf there when arrangements have already been made, plus she’ll surely have her dad’s family there for her to spend time with at the wedding, so she won’t be alone.

The wedding is 7 months away, it's not as if it's next weekend and she's suddenly asked to bring a plus one.

I confirmed final numbers with my venue on the Wednesday before my Saturday wedding.

We don't know what other family members will be there and whether the OP's daughter gets on well with them or not. The point is she would like to bring her boyfriend to make what will probably be a not very enjoyable occasion a bit less crap for her, and if her dad is at all interested in having a good relationship with his adult daughter he should facilitate that.