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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Original poster
tukker · 02/12/2023 20:52

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 20:47

Because it's not like he has the choice to do 50/50 care now, is it?

He could be a total deadbeat. He might be in absolute upset that his child is unaccessible every day. We don't know.

Show quote history

He never did 50/50 care even in the UK! He had the chance to come and see dd this summer but didn't bother and went to another European destination! His choice but that upset DD.

OP posts:
Scruffington · 02/12/2023 20:53

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 20:47

Because it's not like he has the choice to do 50/50 care now, is it?

He could be a total deadbeat. He might be in absolute upset that his child is unaccessible every day. We don't know.

Show quote history

The OP says they've been divorced for 8 years and that she and dd have been living been abroad for 1 year. So for the 7 post-divorce years that his child was in the same country as him he was paying a measly amount of maintenance. Can we glean anything from that I wonder.

pikkumyy77 · 02/12/2023 20:54

These weepy pro dad/poor dad comments are just bizarre in that they seem to necessitate so much spite towards the dd and her mother. I mean: sure, its sad if the dad can’t afford to pay for his daughter and a plus one to come to his wedding but the amount of wailing that its everyone elses duty to get her there is unreal! Its 18 year old dd’s responsibility to work to pay for the privilege of being a party prop in dad’s pictures ! Its the ex wife’s duty! Its the bf’s duty ! All in order for the dd to play happy families with a father who divorced her when he divorced her mother and who has not financially supported her as a father should for years.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:00

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 20:50

If he were that upset about her living far away wouldn't he put his hand in his pocket a bit more to facilitate her visiting more often? For example, for his wedding?

It's not as if he's had to pay more than a tiny fraction of the actual cost of raising her for the last few years.

Show quote history

Whilst he absolutely must pay maintenance, it's probably paid quite bitterly because he can't actually see his daughter, because of OP's choices. On occasion, via flights, sure. But that's it.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 21:03

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:00

Whilst he absolutely must pay maintenance, it's probably paid quite bitterly because he can't actually see his daughter, because of OP's choices. On occasion, via flights, sure. But that's it.

Show quote history

so what was his excuse for the years prior to the move? what was making him bitter then?

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:04

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 20:25

you seem to have little to say on the father's paltry maintenance payments. £120 per month, later increasing to £200.

Why is that?

Show quote history

You seem to have little to say in response to the question I asked, regarding you thinking these are not OP's choices.

Instead you changed the subject.

Why is that?

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 21:06

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:00

Whilst he absolutely must pay maintenance, it's probably paid quite bitterly because he can't actually see his daughter, because of OP's choices. On occasion, via flights, sure. But that's it.

Show quote history

So what was his excuse for paying such a paltry amount for the 7 years between him and the OP splitting up, and the OP and her daughter moving across the channel last year then?

For what it's worth, I live in France and I see my own parents about 6 or 7 times a year.

Mikimoto · 02/12/2023 21:07

Moving abroad at start of A-levels? Must have been disrupting.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 21:08

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:04

You seem to have little to say in response to the question I asked, regarding you thinking these are not OP's choices.

Instead you changed the subject.

Why is that?

Show quote history

because you're determined to paint this feckless father as some kind of victim.

These are the facts:

They've been divorced for 8 years
OP and dd have been living abroad for 1 year
It doesn't sound as he was much of a father when he was living in the same country as his daughter

And yet you're solely fixated on the last 12 months.

ellie09 · 02/12/2023 21:09

tukker · 02/12/2023 20:35

Wow, some interesting views here. No courts involved with moving abroad as dd was over 16, exh didn't contest it, he had a school age child with gf. We've been divorced over 8 yrs. There are no issues with us, except he's not really that invested in DD. Why shouldn't I move on and make a life for myself?!
DD is not a spoilt brat, she doesn't have to honour anything. It's just a given she's a bridesmaid because she's exh daughter and gf wants a big wedding (I assume, hotel wedding lots of bridesmaids etc. Fair enough. )
I couldn't care less about exh or his gf I'm not looking for dd to take sides.
She's invested in her education she's met her bf whom is lovely and his family are lovely and he helps her with being in a different country. If he was a loser I might object, but they are really close. Exh hasn't bothered to ask why she wants to take bf whats the reasoning behind it, its just a flat out 'no' we're not paying and you should come on your own.
There is another facet to this of which I haven't mentioned, as I was hoping wasn't the case, but maybe it is to exh.
So that's it really!

To me OP, if you wanted your kids there for your wedding day, you'd facilitate it in any way you can.

Clearly he is not.

Boysnme · 02/12/2023 21:12

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:00

Whilst he absolutely must pay maintenance, it's probably paid quite bitterly because he can't actually see his daughter, because of OP's choices. On occasion, via flights, sure. But that's it.

Show quote history

And yet he still paid a pittance and didn’t see his DD 50/50 when she was living in the UK

Weeirishash · 02/12/2023 21:13

I agree with a lot of the replies. I think asking the exh & his gf to pay DD's bf flight is totally unreasonable and expecting him to be invited to the wedding is presumptuous. At the end of the day it is her dad's & gf wedding day... Its special to them regardless of what you think or believe. I understand dd wants to be there for her dad and show support but it's a bit 2 faced to be a bridesmaid if she doesn't like the bride or the brides family.

I have to be honest. Seems like your both making this about dd & her bf.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:13

tukker · 02/12/2023 20:52

He never did 50/50 care even in the UK! He had the chance to come and see dd this summer but didn't bother and went to another European destination! His choice but that upset DD.

Show quote history

He shouldn't have to spend his only holiday with his family hovering around the corner from you, because that's how child contact has to work because you've moved his child to a foreign country.

The fact this upset your DD says a lot. The fact that a whole other family didn't immediately prioritise where her mother had chosen to relocate, as their holiday destination, was perceived to her as awful.

I'm starting to see where DD gets her entitlement from.

Myfabby · 02/12/2023 21:13

Sumthingsweet · 02/12/2023 20:08

Agree daughter being unreasonable why would her boyfriend be at the wedding ? Not as if it’s her DH is it . Can’t they live without each other for a few days

your very liberal allowing your 18 year old to have this boy friend to do sleep overs with in different places too

your daughter just trying to get a nice little holiday and it looks like your loving the drama because he’s your ex DH

if your this concerned You pay for the flights ? Happy ending for all but in sure that would be far too easy for you and your DH

For all the cattiness in here, you have appalling grammar.

Theproofofthepudding · 02/12/2023 21:15

There is resentment on at least 3/5 sides from what I can see. The Bridesmaid role should go to the Brides best and trusted friends (if she has them), not unwilling inlaws. The Best Man is the Grooms choice. I personally think OPs daughter won't be missing out on much by not attending by the sounds of it

Myfabby · 02/12/2023 21:16

Mikimoto · 02/12/2023 21:07

Moving abroad at start of A-levels? Must have been disrupting.

err how?

lots of people move after GCSE's.

And she's very possibly not doing A-levels anyhow.

And your judgement is extremely helpful, OP will unwind time and unmove her🙄

CatA27 · 02/12/2023 21:16

All of the comments about divorce, maintenance, access etc. It makes no odds, if a parent wants their child to attend their wedding then they should pay all costs and if that child is a teenager or older then should expect to pay for bf, gf or friend to accompany them whether they are 2 minutes down the road or a 5 hour flight, parent wants them there then they should factor that into the cost of the wedding and pay. Even when my ex and I were still together if we wanted our children to be somewhere then we would pay for them regardless of their age and once they were old enough to have bf or gf then we'd pay for them too. If you don't pay then the child/teen/young adult is well within their right to say actually I don't want to spend my money coming to your wedding or whatever

Beautiful3 · 02/12/2023 21:18

If she was working, I'd expect her to pay for her own flight. But she's unemployed and in full time education. I would pay for her flight and allow her boyfriend to come (if he paid for his own flight). If she cannot afford to go, then she shouldn't go. If they really want her there, they'd pay to ensure she could come.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:19

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 21:08

because you're determined to paint this feckless father as some kind of victim.

These are the facts:

They've been divorced for 8 years
OP and dd have been living abroad for 1 year
It doesn't sound as he was much of a father when he was living in the same country as his daughter

And yet you're solely fixated on the last 12 months.

Show quote history

OP made her choices and now doesn't like the logistical consequences that those choices are causing. That's not making him a victim.

Why doesn't he sound like much of a father? He might have been a good dad the whole time they were together, and then post divorce, in the UK.

You appear solely fixated on maintenance.

Original poster
tukker · 02/12/2023 21:19

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:13

He shouldn't have to spend his only holiday with his family hovering around the corner from you, because that's how child contact has to work because you've moved his child to a foreign country.

The fact this upset your DD says a lot. The fact that a whole other family didn't immediately prioritise where her mother had chosen to relocate, as their holiday destination, was perceived to her as awful.

I'm starting to see where DD gets her entitlement from.

Show quote history

Yep, guilty she gets it all from me, all the bad bits and all the good bits from my exh, obviously.
I'm not allowed a life and should be available for exh to pay a pittance in maintenance and have his DD at his beck and call.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 21:20

Beautiful3 · 02/12/2023 21:18

If she was working, I'd expect her to pay for her own flight. But she's unemployed and in full time education. I would pay for her flight and allow her boyfriend to come (if he paid for his own flight). If she cannot afford to go, then she shouldn't go. If they really want her there, they'd pay to ensure she could come.

Even if someone is working you can't dictate what they spend their money on.

So you can decline to pay your daughter's travel costs to attend your wedding but you also have to accept that "it's an invitation, not a summons" applies and if she doesn't want to go that's up to her.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 21:22

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:19

OP made her choices and now doesn't like the logistical consequences that those choices are causing. That's not making him a victim.

Why doesn't he sound like much of a father? He might have been a good dad the whole time they were together, and then post divorce, in the UK.

You appear solely fixated on maintenance.

Show quote history

He didn't do 50/50 care when his child was in the same country as him. He's continually shirked his financial responsibilities. Not a great dad I'm afraid.

I'm guessing you're a second wife or recognise some other elements of the OP in your own life, hence your insistence that the OP is the one in the wrong.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:29

tukker · 02/12/2023 21:19

Yep, guilty she gets it all from me, all the bad bits and all the good bits from my exh, obviously.
I'm not allowed a life and should be available for exh to pay a pittance in maintenance and have his DD at his beck and call.

Show quote history

Oh yes that's exactly what I said Hmm

Evidently you think it's no real issue moving a child to a different country. It's that trivial, it's merely you being "allowed a life." And the consequences of that choice to the child and the other parent? Not your problem.

Everyone else doesn't have to live their life acting how you think they should, based around the fact you chose to emigrate and take a joint child with you.

butterpuffed · 02/12/2023 21:35

Op , you're not missing a chance to put your ex down , with all the digs . I guess you talk about him to your DD in the same way as you're talking to us . Don't you think this will have an influence on her in the way she gets on with her dad ?

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:39

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 21:22

He didn't do 50/50 care when his child was in the same country as him. He's continually shirked his financial responsibilities. Not a great dad I'm afraid.

I'm guessing you're a second wife or recognise some other elements of the OP in your own life, hence your insistence that the OP is the one in the wrong.

Show quote history

Except you've got no idea what he did. OP hasn't said. He could have seen her daily. 50/50 only relates to where the child sleeps for maintenance purposes. Maybe once a week. Maybe three times a week. Maybe once month. You know nothing, and neither do I.

Doesn't stop you announcing what a poor father he is though, eh?

And I'm not a second wife, nor a first wife now divorced. Neither do I have anything remotely similar to this in my life. So, sorry to disappoint, but my opinion, as many others, about OP's choices are simply because they are the cause of all this.