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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
ReplyPost · 02/12/2023 19:19

The boyfriend says he will not go do now your DD has to go alone. What about you accompanying your daughter to the UK? Just so she is not going alone. She is only 18 and I can imagine a bit nervous about travelling by herself. Do you have some friends in the UK you could catch up with while your DD is attending the wedding and visiting with her Dad?

skyofblue · 02/12/2023 19:21

Saturday job, evening job?

samqueens · 02/12/2023 19:21

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:12

Honestly I would go against most of the posters here. They should absolutely pay for 100% of the costs incurred by a school going child to be a part of their wedding.

In this instance, I would also pay for my own son's partner if it was me but I can see why some wouldn't.

How long have your DD and her bf been together?

100% this - I can see why this might not delight the bride (although her behaviour as described demonstrates her immaturity, shortsightedness, self centredness etc etc so not surprising that she wants to put her foot down). The fact that your ExH hasn’t told her where to get off is just total madness.

It’s really sad, given your daughter wanted to be involved, that he doesn’t want to do all he can to facilitate that… but clearly his gf is his priority and he will reap the consequences of that for the rest of his life I should think.

I can’t imagine your DD knows tons of people at the event who she wants to hang out with, her dad obviously isn’t going to pay her special attention, so asking to take her BF and facilitating that is a tiny price to pay for a relationship with his daughter… you’d have thought…

just reassure her she’s done nothing wrong x

chaosmaker · 02/12/2023 19:31

If I was your daughter then I wouldn't want to go and be a free babysitter either and would want to take my bf so I'd have someone to talk to.

Minime88888888 · 02/12/2023 19:32

I'd think that a father of a daughter and his new wife should want to include and pay for said daughter/step daughter and plus one to go to their wedding as they love her.

Thats the etiquette isn't it?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 19:35

skyofblue · 02/12/2023 19:21

Saturday job, evening job?

This has been explained several times.

And even then why should she spend her own money going to her father's second wedding?

Theproofofthepudding · 02/12/2023 19:36

The bridesmaid role is usually of the Brides choosing and someone she can rely on to help her on the big day. It sounds like there's a bit of duress on both sides, to tick boxes tbh. An invitation and a plus one would work better I feel, no pressure but a welcomed attendance

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 19:40

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 19:35

This has been explained several times.

And even then why should she spend her own money going to her father's second wedding?

Show quote history

I think the tenuous point is that the large amount of money required is because OP moved the child to a different country.

And it makes a difference if the father fully supported this decision, or couldn't afford the time and expense to battle OP and her personal choices through the courts and "agreed" on that basis, which isn't actually agreeing, it's resigning to, "well, I don't have the resources to stop you, so I guess I can't stop you taking the child".

The expenses only exist because of OP's choices for their joint child.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 19:53

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 19:40

I think the tenuous point is that the large amount of money required is because OP moved the child to a different country.

And it makes a difference if the father fully supported this decision, or couldn't afford the time and expense to battle OP and her personal choices through the courts and "agreed" on that basis, which isn't actually agreeing, it's resigning to, "well, I don't have the resources to stop you, so I guess I can't stop you taking the child".

The expenses only exist because of OP's choices for their joint child.

Show quote history

"OP's choices" - interesting.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 19:54

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 19:40

I think the tenuous point is that the large amount of money required is because OP moved the child to a different country.

And it makes a difference if the father fully supported this decision, or couldn't afford the time and expense to battle OP and her personal choices through the courts and "agreed" on that basis, which isn't actually agreeing, it's resigning to, "well, I don't have the resources to stop you, so I guess I can't stop you taking the child".

The expenses only exist because of OP's choices for their joint child.

Show quote history

Deleted - double post.

carchi · 02/12/2023 19:54

Totally agree that was a harsh comment. Blackmail is not what's going on here DD made a decision that's all. Also you are right how and why should she save up for her own flight

Myfabby · 02/12/2023 19:57

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 19:40

I think the tenuous point is that the large amount of money required is because OP moved the child to a different country.

And it makes a difference if the father fully supported this decision, or couldn't afford the time and expense to battle OP and her personal choices through the courts and "agreed" on that basis, which isn't actually agreeing, it's resigning to, "well, I don't have the resources to stop you, so I guess I can't stop you taking the child".

The expenses only exist because of OP's choices for their joint child.

Show quote history

£400 is a large amount of money? Righty o

Sumthingsweet · 02/12/2023 20:08

Agree daughter being unreasonable why would her boyfriend be at the wedding ? Not as if it’s her DH is it . Can’t they live without each other for a few days

your very liberal allowing your 18 year old to have this boy friend to do sleep overs with in different places too

your daughter just trying to get a nice little holiday and it looks like your loving the drama because he’s your ex DH

if your this concerned You pay for the flights ? Happy ending for all but in sure that would be far too easy for you and your DH

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 20:19

When I got married, the only people I didn't invite with a plus one were my younger cousins on the grounds that I didn't even know whether most of them had a boyfriend or girlfriend, I certainly hadn't met them if they did, and since they would all be attending with their parents and siblings they wouldn't feel lonely or awkward.

I invited my brother's on-again-off-again girlfriend even though I'm not her biggest fan, because he is my brother and I love him. As it happened, my mum paid for both of their travel costs to my wedding, even though my mum is also not a big fan of the girlfriend. And my brother was 30 at the time, not 18.

Now, if I were getting remarried and I had an 18 year old daughter and it was important to me that she came to the wedding, I would do whatever was necessary to facilitate her attendance, including inviting her boyfriend and paying for her travel, accommodation and food if necessary. I wouldn't expect my ex husband to contribute to the cost of our daughter attending my wedding, that would be ridiculous.

OP's daughter is at an age where she has an almost fully adult way of looking at things, and probably quite a lot of complicated emotions about this wedding, but she doesn't have a job or any real financial independence. It may be that she literally doesn't have enough money to pay for two flights to the UK to attend her father's wedding, plus food and board for the weekend. It may be that she just about has enough money but it would wipe out her savings. Or it may be that she just doesn't want to shell out the equivalent of the cost of a flight to Thailand to travel to the UK for a weekend and watch her father marrying a woman she doesn't particularly like.

Either way, her behaviour is quite understandable and if her father wants to preserve their relationship and have her at his wedding, he should put his hand in his pocket and help her out.

It's not the OP's business or problem though.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 20:20

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 19:53

"OP's choices" - interesting.

Show quote history

What's interesting? They are her choices, no?

She chose to move to a different country, taking the child too.

She then chose a fee paying school, and is annoyed that the father won't pay for that choice too. Yes it may be for their DD, but just because one parent makes a decision, doesn't mean the other parent wishes that same decision, despite the first parent declaring it's for the child's best interests. That's simply different parental opinion.

It really reads that OP believes if she isn't forcefully opposed or legally fought against, then the other parent is in happy with whatever she does. Having to sign something saying you are in legal agreement, doesn't necessarily mean you agree at all. Just you can't afford the court process to disagree.

So the whole issue behind this, is whether the father genuinely supported the move, or was in the position of no choice but to "agree" and suffer the consequences of that.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 20:21

Sumthingsweet · 02/12/2023 20:08

Agree daughter being unreasonable why would her boyfriend be at the wedding ? Not as if it’s her DH is it . Can’t they live without each other for a few days

your very liberal allowing your 18 year old to have this boy friend to do sleep overs with in different places too

your daughter just trying to get a nice little holiday and it looks like your loving the drama because he’s your ex DH

if your this concerned You pay for the flights ? Happy ending for all but in sure that would be far too easy for you and your DH

Her boyfriend should be at the wedding so she has someone she actually knows and likes to sit with and dance with, and might actually enjoy herself. The same reason anyone gets a plus one really.

The idea that she is just trying to get a "nice little holiday" is risible. I'm sure she'd rather use whatever money she has to go on an actual holiday with her boyfriend, not travel to the UK for the weekend to watch her father marrying someone she doesn't even get on with.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 20:24

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 19:40

I think the tenuous point is that the large amount of money required is because OP moved the child to a different country.

And it makes a difference if the father fully supported this decision, or couldn't afford the time and expense to battle OP and her personal choices through the courts and "agreed" on that basis, which isn't actually agreeing, it's resigning to, "well, I don't have the resources to stop you, so I guess I can't stop you taking the child".

The expenses only exist because of OP's choices for their joint child.

Show quote history

Sorry but this is nonsense.

You do know that attending a wedding in another part of the UK isn't actually free, right?

When I was planning my wedding we weighed up whether to get married in Dorset or in France and concluded that for people travelling from London the overall travel and hotel costs were likely to be pretty similar.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 20:25

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 20:20

What's interesting? They are her choices, no?

She chose to move to a different country, taking the child too.

She then chose a fee paying school, and is annoyed that the father won't pay for that choice too. Yes it may be for their DD, but just because one parent makes a decision, doesn't mean the other parent wishes that same decision, despite the first parent declaring it's for the child's best interests. That's simply different parental opinion.

It really reads that OP believes if she isn't forcefully opposed or legally fought against, then the other parent is in happy with whatever she does. Having to sign something saying you are in legal agreement, doesn't necessarily mean you agree at all. Just you can't afford the court process to disagree.

So the whole issue behind this, is whether the father genuinely supported the move, or was in the position of no choice but to "agree" and suffer the consequences of that.

Show quote history

you seem to have little to say on the father's paltry maintenance payments. £120 per month, later increasing to £200.

Why is that?

Original poster
tukker · 02/12/2023 20:35

Wow, some interesting views here. No courts involved with moving abroad as dd was over 16, exh didn't contest it, he had a school age child with gf. We've been divorced over 8 yrs. There are no issues with us, except he's not really that invested in DD. Why shouldn't I move on and make a life for myself?!
DD is not a spoilt brat, she doesn't have to honour anything. It's just a given she's a bridesmaid because she's exh daughter and gf wants a big wedding (I assume, hotel wedding lots of bridesmaids etc. Fair enough. )
I couldn't care less about exh or his gf I'm not looking for dd to take sides.
She's invested in her education she's met her bf whom is lovely and his family are lovely and he helps her with being in a different country. If he was a loser I might object, but they are really close. Exh hasn't bothered to ask why she wants to take bf whats the reasoning behind it, its just a flat out 'no' we're not paying and you should come on your own.
There is another facet to this of which I haven't mentioned, as I was hoping wasn't the case, but maybe it is to exh.
So that's it really!

OP posts:
Ariana12 · 02/12/2023 20:36

I'm struck by the range of responses here. Some families would pay for both DD and BF others expect a 18 yr old to sort herself out. So there's no one way. But the key point is that ex should be talking properly with his own daughter and thinking about the longer term. After all he IS the parent. I think you should try to keep out of it if poss. Other than soothing noises. Assuming you haven't been invited/ aren't going.

Booksandsport · 02/12/2023 20:37

I have an 18 year old daughter with a boyfriend of over a year who we all really like (both in school) and I am choking at some of these replies. Of course he should pay for her to be there and of course he shouldn't pay for him to be there. I know you paid for him to fly with her before, but that was your choice, he doesn't have to make the same ones.
Given they were paying for her, then suggested instead that they were prepared to pay part for both, it's fairly obvious they had put aside a budget for her to be there
because it was important to them.

Honestly it sounds like you are angry with him and not trying to make it work.
She is plenty old enough to put up with some awkwardness for her Dad's sake when it's his wedding and he wants her there. Yes, she will be bored at times and have to make small talk she will not like at other times, but she is 18. Given she moved abroad and started a new school, it's not the first time she has had to handle new situations, deal with talking to strangers etc.
She can phone/message the boyfriend when she is bored, but she will be with family, so presumably aunts, uncles, cousins etc and not alone.

One of my other kids is 14 years of age and I am thinking now that I might understand it more at that age, but 18, having obviously flown several times before, having emigrated, facing starting college/work in the next year or so, she is plenty old enough to be told that she is not the focus here, her Dad is and she needs to support him now.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 20:41

she is plenty old enough to be told that she is not the focus here, her Dad is and she needs to support him now.

like he's supported her?

cute.

Hiddenvoice · 02/12/2023 20:43

This is a tough one op and if I was in your position I would gently support your dd but remain out of the situation.

Your dd wants to take her bf but she does need to ask her dad if he can go. It’s expensive adding someone on to a wedding, especially so when it’s not someone you know and a teenagers boyfriend. I ended up having to invite a family members boyfriend to my wedding and they split not long after, just felt like a waste of money and I wish I stood my ground more.

I do think the dad should pay for your dd flights and accommodation. I don’t think he should be paying for the boyfriend. If she wants to take the boyfriend then the boyfriend should be paying his own way. Yes he’s still in school but that’s his problem to sort, not the dad or his wife to be.

Your dd and her dad need to sort it themselves. She might not like his new wife but she might regret not being there on the wedding day.

Either way, I would listen to what she says and remain neutral.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 20:47

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 20:25

you seem to have little to say on the father's paltry maintenance payments. £120 per month, later increasing to £200.

Why is that?

Show quote history

Because it's not like he has the choice to do 50/50 care now, is it?

He could be a total deadbeat. He might be in absolute upset that his child is unaccessible every day. We don't know.

MargotBamborough · 02/12/2023 20:50

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 20:47

Because it's not like he has the choice to do 50/50 care now, is it?

He could be a total deadbeat. He might be in absolute upset that his child is unaccessible every day. We don't know.

Show quote history

If he were that upset about her living far away wouldn't he put his hand in his pocket a bit more to facilitate her visiting more often? For example, for his wedding?

It's not as if he's had to pay more than a tiny fraction of the actual cost of raising her for the last few years.