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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
cleo333 · 02/12/2023 18:30

I agree he should pay if he wants her there , she's only 18 and to be honest with studying and even a part time job she can't have much money or time . To be honest the new wife to be sounds horrible and it would be an awful day for your daughter anyway .

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 18:31

knit1pearl2 · 02/12/2023 18:23

Personally I think the plan always should have been DD gets a plus one (be that a friend or a boyfriend). They're expecting a teen who's still at school to travel abroad and participate in a wedding where presuambly she doesn't know many people and where her dad will be busy with admin.

Maybe controversial but I also think they should have offered to pay for flights for DD and plus 1 give they both likely to still be at school. It's their wedding.

It's only controversial if you're as mean and mean spirited as the ex , the new wife (and several posters here)

Ohhoho · 02/12/2023 18:32

I think your dd is being treated horribly. Your ex is under control of his gf the bride, she doesn’t want her as a bridesmaid that is clear. If he father can’t fork out for his daughter and companion then more fool him. Of course he should pay for her companion. If he really wanted her as bridesmaid …but let’s be honest the bride chooses and the groom does anything to avoid discomfort or fuss. Your daughter is the one to suffer here I don’t think she should go at all. He doesn’t deserve it.

Snowflakeslayer · 02/12/2023 18:34

New wife to be sounds like an absolute awful human, your spineless ex-husband….well, looks like you dished a bullet there!!
This is between your ex-husband and his (your) daughter, step away, let them sort it out. Nothing to do with you.

ithinkmyheadiscavingin · 02/12/2023 18:34

GF has clearly won here as she helps drive a massive wedge into your DD's relationship with her father. She clearly wants her out of the picture for her own child's benefit.

He's an utter arse for going along with it.

He deserves to have no relationship with her, but I feel for your daughter.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 18:36

namechangnancy · 02/12/2023 17:33

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle I haven't mentioned her dd and job- lol the irony of you saying that...

Op posted quite clearly that he should have been able to stump up the money for dd school trip and your right it was €1600 as he's getting married.

"All the kids involved in the wedding are school age and I think she was expected to look after them all." This is directly from ops post and it's their dd assumption. Also easy assumption a teen would make but not the most grounded in reality. Because the little kids are all tiny, there parents aren't gonna be like ok bye kids let's leave them with a 18 year old esp if there's more than one. Well I wouldn't having small children of school age.

But since apparently reading isn't everyone's top skill - let me break it down for you what I wrote

-Dad defo should be paying for his dd to attend the wedding

  • op shouldn't have been asked to pay for any of it.
  • dad didn't have to stump up half of €1600 for a school trip or whatever it was. And him saying no doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to get married (which op has also implied)

And no i don't think that's the case actually . If the bf was long term and likely serious sure, it would be a nice thing to do but not have to do.

I can see why they aren't jumping at paying for the bfs flights to attend a wedding where in all likely hood people will see his face years to come in the photos and go who was that guy.

You seem to not comprehend someone who doesn't necessarily place the blame all at one door. Sadly for this family as per usual, it's a group effort of everyone being a bit sodding unreasonable.

I'm not gonna engage with you anymore, god knows you won't get what I'm saying 🙄

This reply makes even less sense than your previous one.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 02/12/2023 18:37

I think DD is an adult and if that's her decision then that's it. Is this an affordability thing on the side of exh or does he not like DDs boyfriend? Just trying to gauge why this is such a big issue. I know a few people are saying DD is emotionally blackmailing her DF but so is exh's soon to be wife (accusing DD of ruining the wedding) she's not obligated to go, and exh is not obligated to pay for DDs BF.

alpenguin · 02/12/2023 18:38

I feel really sad for op’s daughter. She’s essentially a school child whose dad is getting re-married and yet she’s expected to finance a trip abroad (for her) to attend his wedding on her own?

The Bf issue is a tad cheeky but if he too is of school age and if the daughters attendance was as important to the father as I’d hope it to be, then it wouldn’t cost much more to get one other flights and a double bed for them. Who wouldn’t want their daughter happy and comfortable at what might potentially be a really difficult day for her.

My dad paid for my travel and accommodation when he got married in another country. I was working and older than 18 but he wouldn’t hear of me fronting that cost myself and did the same for my brother and his partner too.

Theres so much more at play than just cost here. The dad isn’t seeing the daughter as an important part of the day and the bride to be seems to see her as an inconvenience which will only get worse once she’s Mrs Dad. Assuming OP and her ex split in a time it would have affected the daughter, the. OPs daughter may have complex feelings around this event already without the crap surrounding finances and accompaniment.

I really feel for OPs daughter. It’s a difficult year for school, it’s a diffult year for growing up and having the adult drama thrust upon her is just another layer of crap she has to deal with.

AllyArty · 02/12/2023 18:39

You are NOT being unreasonable. Gf should not have done that. If your dd’s dad wants her there he should be paying for her. Not sure if your dd and boyfriend earn much but her dad should be paying most of her costs. If they both earn then that’s slightly different but yr x needs to step up and his GF needs to be told what’s ok and what’s not ok.

Scruffington · 02/12/2023 18:46

The father sounds like a spineless man who has shirked his responsibilities towards his daughter. The soon the be wife sounds like a pain in the arse. Accusing dd of ruining the wedding? Hysterical ninny.

If I were the dd I wouldn't be hugely enthusiastic about putting myself out to attend their special day. And I could definitely do without the nonsense of being bridesmaid.

GatchaLass · 02/12/2023 18:48

Because that's life. People move away. If he wants to see if her he should pay to fly her to him or he should fly and go see her. Their lives don't stop or revolve around him. It's tough but people move out of the country. Deal with it.

Astonvilla123 · 02/12/2023 18:51

Has your daughter travelled internationally alone before? Some 18 year olds are fine doing this . Many others (the majority if I'm honest) would find it very scary at that age.
I mean even some adults in their 40s would only go abroad with a partner or friends!
You said the flight would be over £100 so this is long haul I assume. Is there an airport change ? Is DD worried about the journey and also being alone in another country, hence wants someone with her to navigate that ? Does she have a comfortable and trusting relationship with her dad ?

tara66 · 02/12/2023 18:52

I think DD will need a lot of support to get over her father's attitude towards her re. this wedding. He should not have asked her to go if he could not afford all the costs involved - he is really a mean and selfish man IMO. I hope she can put the matter behind her having decided not to go and look forward to a future without him. He is burning bridges here.

SALWARP2023 · 02/12/2023 18:52

Trouble is what happens if DD and BF split up? I understand she wants to take a plus one but it's easier if she doesn't.

YDBear · 02/12/2023 18:53

Let’s start off by saying OP shouldn’t pay for anything. And indeed, if asked about what’s going on, say it’s none of her business and is for ExH and DD to sort out.
From there, obviously ExH pays for DD. Should he pay for the bf? If he wants the DD to attend and she has made this a condition of attending, then I guess he doesn’t have a choice. Personally I wouldn’t accept a kid making a +1 a condition of anything at all and I think it shows a massive sense of entitlement on the part of the DD—so she is being unreasonable. But from the OP’s point of view, so ExH doesn’t pay, DD doesn’t go—so what? DD thinks ExH is an arsehole? That seems like a win for OP—she just has to stay the heck out of this .

Trillie · 02/12/2023 18:54

If I was DD I’d go as a guest but I really wouldn’t want to be bridesmaid to my dad’s second wife. It’s quite understandable she’d want her boyfriend there for a bit of emotional support as well. One person won’t be that difficult to cater for, there’s usually drop outs. Your ex should pay for his daughter, speak to him not his gf, would the bf or his family pay for him?

F1boxbox · 02/12/2023 18:57

100% the ex should pay for your daughter's flights and expenses! They should be prepared to as it's his daughter, the fact she had a check to message and say they are only paying up to £100 is disgusting.. if they are prepared to pay £1,000+ they should pay for her especially thats shes in full time education.

As for her bf.. they should pay for 2 because if something did happen then she can always bring someone else with

tara66 · 02/12/2023 18:58

How is it they are having a bridesmaid anyway? I thought that was for church weddings - or will they have a church wedding? Seems a little ridiculous.

Forgotmylogindetails · 02/12/2023 19:00

@tukker

she sounds like a spoilt brat sorry.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 19:04

Forgotmylogindetails · 02/12/2023 19:00

@tukker

she sounds like a spoilt brat sorry.

The soon to be new wife? Yes, wholeheartedly agree.

Blogswife · 02/12/2023 19:06

Sorry Op but I think YABU. DD should honour her commitment and DF should pay for her flights, accommodation, food etc . If DDs BF now wants to go then he should be accommodated at the wedding ( if this is possible ) but either DBF or his family should pay for his flights . It’s not fair to expect your ex to pay for the boyfriend as well .
Your DD is also being very unreasonable holding your EXH to ransom & refusing to go .

Reugny · 02/12/2023 19:11

Forgotmylogindetails · 02/12/2023 19:00

@tukker

she sounds like a spoilt brat sorry.

Bridezilla you mean.

ScribblingPixie · 02/12/2023 19:13

It's all rather a shame. It would be nicer if the ex invited his daughter and her bf, treated them to the trip to make sure she had a nice time during what could be quite a stressful occasion for her. They they'd all begin the second marriage with the hope of good family relationships. I had similar in my family - the ex was thinking more about the role he wanted his child to play than how they would be feeling. I hope things work out for your daughter, OP.

Wales1 · 02/12/2023 19:14

I can see why he's your ex. He is being an utter jerk. Tell him to get stuffed.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 19:18

beanontoast · 01/12/2023 11:51

Yes these questions are just nosy and intrusive. It's not uncommon at all that one parent might move away or indeed abroad after splitting up. If your EXH agreed to it then you are certainly one step ahead of the many parents who end up in court for months to agree a move. It doesn't matter why you moved, what matters is your EXH shirking his Dad duties by letting his GF handle this situation when either way he should be the one talking to his daughter, hearing her concerns and finding a way to resolve it. The fact that he did agree to you moving, and now seems fairly uninterested in ensuring his DD is at his wedding, makes me wonder what kind of Dad he is - but that's not a reflection on you, just him

Show quote history

I think that's exactly what people are getting at though. Rather than have to go through the expense and time of dragging a resolution through the courts, the father agreed to OP leaving the country they had always been resident in, with the child.

Not being able to afford a long court battle, doesn't mean you actually agree to something, despite on paper you may have physically said the words "I agree".

It's a really tricky one. If it's more OP decided she was going, and it was "you can allow it, or I'll see you in court and see how that works out for you buddy" then I completely see why the father would feel it was down to OP to facilitate the child she relocated, back to see her father on his wedding day.

That's generally how child contact works. If both parents have been resident in one place, the whole time the children have been alive, then the RP decides they're moving 300 miles away, it's usually down to the parent that moved to cover the inconvenience and excessive travel that they have caused for the other parent.

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