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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
namechangnancy · 02/12/2023 17:33

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle I haven't mentioned her dd and job- lol the irony of you saying that...

Op posted quite clearly that he should have been able to stump up the money for dd school trip and your right it was €1600 as he's getting married.

"All the kids involved in the wedding are school age and I think she was expected to look after them all." This is directly from ops post and it's their dd assumption. Also easy assumption a teen would make but not the most grounded in reality. Because the little kids are all tiny, there parents aren't gonna be like ok bye kids let's leave them with a 18 year old esp if there's more than one. Well I wouldn't having small children of school age.

But since apparently reading isn't everyone's top skill - let me break it down for you what I wrote

-Dad defo should be paying for his dd to attend the wedding

  • op shouldn't have been asked to pay for any of it.
  • dad didn't have to stump up half of €1600 for a school trip or whatever it was. And him saying no doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to get married (which op has also implied)

And no i don't think that's the case actually . If the bf was long term and likely serious sure, it would be a nice thing to do but not have to do.

I can see why they aren't jumping at paying for the bfs flights to attend a wedding where in all likely hood people will see his face years to come in the photos and go who was that guy.

You seem to not comprehend someone who doesn't necessarily place the blame all at one door. Sadly for this family as per usual, it's a group effort of everyone being a bit sodding unreasonable.

I'm not gonna engage with you anymore, god knows you won't get what I'm saying 🙄

Yogalola · 02/12/2023 17:34

Considering the age of the daughter, having to travel alone it’s understandable your daughter wants someone to accompany her. Father should cough up the money if he wants his daughter there. Sounds like the new wife will be in charge of finances.

ScartlettSole · 02/12/2023 17:35

plumtreebroke · 01/12/2023 10:07

Why didn't they give the DD a plus one initially? Is she meant to be alone in another country for her father's wedding?

I'd guess her family will be there so she wont be alone. It is her dads wedding afterall so presumably her granparents, aunties/uncles and cousins will be there?

JGRAN · 02/12/2023 17:37

Personally I would just leave it alone. Whatever you do or don't do you will be wrong

ScartlettSole · 02/12/2023 17:46

I got married last year. Our oldest lives with her boyfriend so he was invited from the planning. She stayed at the venue the night before, he made his own way the next day. If we lived abroad/got married abroad i would have happily paid my daughters expenses but not her partners just the same as I would pay any other guests. If they are so in love and the boyfriend just has to go, his parents can pay. Just as her parent should pay for her to go, which her dad appears to have agreed🤷🏼‍♀️

thebestinterest · 02/12/2023 17:47

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 10:12

Honestly I would go against most of the posters here. They should absolutely pay for 100% of the costs incurred by a school going child to be a part of their wedding.

In this instance, I would also pay for my own son's partner if it was me but I can see why some wouldn't.

How long have your DD and her bf been together?

I agree with this.

I’d be paying for all and any expenses incurred for my dc to attend, specially at that age. As for bf, really depends on ticket pricing. And fitting in one more guest for a July 2024 wedding shouldn’t be a damn issue. Assuming you’re dropping bank on the day anyway!

Evaray · 02/12/2023 17:48

Has anyone been on nortriptyline to throughout pregnancy and was everything ok?

Starssi · 02/12/2023 17:51

It’s his wedding so it shouldn’t even be a question, he should be paying. Gf should not even be texting your dd her dad should be the one communicating with her.

Cyb3rg4l · 02/12/2023 17:53

Well she has time between now and then for both of them to find jobs and save for BF’s flight. Plenty of 18 year olds in school work part time. The blackmail part is refusing to go unless BF comes and expenses are covered for both. She could just say I’m not comfortable with that so won’t be able to attend.

RedHelenB · 02/12/2023 17:54

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 09:57

On the fence, I think DD should be able to take her boyfriend but I don't think her DF should have to pay for him

This. The likelihood is someone will drop out nearer the time

CatA27 · 02/12/2023 17:57

I have 4 adult children from my previous marriage and my partner has 2 adult children, if we marry and want our children at our wedding we will pay for them and their partners to attend as it is us who wants them there. If your ex wants your daughter there then he should pay for her and her bf to attend or risk ruining his relationship with her 😞

Allthingsdecember · 02/12/2023 18:01

He should be paying all of DD’s expenses, but surely it’s not normal for a 17 year old to expect to take a boyfriend to a wedding?

They are boyfriend and girlfriend, not established partners who can reasonably expect a joint invitation. In her dad’s shoes, there’s no way I’d have an unaccompanied minor at my wedding… who’s responsible for him if he gets legless and has an accident? That’s far too much pressure on a day where you’re naturally going to be distracted.

My parents are divorced and my mum would have explained that this wasn’t appropriate. I can understand a teen thinking this was a reasonable demand, but you’re an adult. Please don’t stoke the fire.

ellie09 · 02/12/2023 18:01

If I was wanting someone abroad to come to my wedding, I would always give a plus one. Simple because travel etc there is always better with company.

If it was my children, I would be paying their flights for them and +1 and their hotel stay. In the grand scheme of how much a wedding costs, it would be very little added on to have my child at my wedding.

I probably wouldnt go as far as providing them money for food etc the couple additional days they may be there. It would be up to them to bring some spending money for that.

PrinceHaz · 02/12/2023 18:01

The very outrageous thing is that he previously expected you to pay for his daughter to fly to his wedding where he marries someone who is not you.
On what planet does he expect it’s normal for you to pay for her flight? He sounds horrible.
The boyfriend business is a bit different. They don’t need to pay for his travel.

Heronwatcher · 02/12/2023 18:04

Generally I think I would stay out of it.

Personally I wouldn’t pay for the BF at that age, because they could well have split up by then but also I don’t actually think it’s essential for your DD to have him there either. So I don’t actually think your DH is being U about that aspect.

CatA27 · 02/12/2023 18:06

I would.say yes it's normal for a 17yr old to want to take a partner to an event, I have taken my children's bf or gf and friends on holiday once they are over 16, if you want them there and they need to travel to get there then yes you should pay for a friend, bf or gf

SunshineYay · 02/12/2023 18:09

CatA27 · 02/12/2023 17:57

I have 4 adult children from my previous marriage and my partner has 2 adult children, if we marry and want our children at our wedding we will pay for them and their partners to attend as it is us who wants them there. If your ex wants your daughter there then he should pay for her and her bf to attend or risk ruining his relationship with her 😞

This is a new teenage romance. It would be different if she was in her 20s and in a long term relationship. She will be surrounded by family when she flies back to her home country to go to the wedding. She won't be alone and I don't understand why she needs her bf with her.

I don't blame her dad for not wanting to pay for an all inclusive, all expenses paid holiday for his daughter's new bf (flights, accommodation, food etc). The bf should pay for flights (or his parents). Her dad should cover her expenses and bf's family should cover his expenses.

PressedPetal · 02/12/2023 18:12

Late to the party, excluding living away, I was subject to this scenario (as the daughter).

My dad got remarried, I was 17 at the time. He told all of us children we could have a +1 of our choice.

They got married at an expensive resort local to home. I was told me and sis will have a hotel room paid for together, but if our partners/friends wanted to stay they paid the bill for a separate room. But the day was covered for our +1s. My boyf wanted to stay, I think his mum paid for the hotel room.

None of us argued with this at all as we felt it was quite fair… of course slightly diff scenario that no significant travel was involved, so I won’t comment on the flights. But us having someone with us for company was the point, I took my boyf at the time who was a total wanker and my family hated him (but hid this very well!) but they didn’t once mention him not coming when I wanted him as a +1.

FiddleLeaf · 02/12/2023 18:13

Oh of course your ex should be paying for his daughter to attend his new wedding as bridesmaid. She is his child and she’s only 18.

I understand their POV for the boyfriend but I would just invite him to ensure she was comfortable.

He sounds like a classic Saturday dad.

Dibbydoos · 02/12/2023 18:20

The only reason DD is going there is for the wedding, so all of her costs Inc however many days she needs to be there beforehand should be funded by her dad. Her BF should have been invited too, wtf, who else is she going to know there? But he def needs to cover his flight and costs for however long they are for the wedding. How ridiculous her dad hasn't thought about his DDs needs.

BTW, he's making a mistake getting married his future wife sounds completely unreasonable to me!

Duchydutch · 02/12/2023 18:21

DD should honour her commitment to HD; BF should pay his own way.

CatA27 · 02/12/2023 18:22

Ultimately, if he wants her there and happy he'll pay, she won't care if she goes or not, can't you remember being a teenager, regardless of whether we think the partner is probably a short term thing she will think he's her forever bf right now!

knit1pearl2 · 02/12/2023 18:23

Personally I think the plan always should have been DD gets a plus one (be that a friend or a boyfriend). They're expecting a teen who's still at school to travel abroad and participate in a wedding where presuambly she doesn't know many people and where her dad will be busy with admin.

Maybe controversial but I also think they should have offered to pay for flights for DD and plus 1 give they both likely to still be at school. It's their wedding.

noodles44 · 02/12/2023 18:24

I would pay for DD and her boyfriend to go too if it was me as I would want her to feel included and welcome. I think your ex is being unreasonable personally and should definitely be the one communicating rather than his girlfriend.

Meredithmama · 02/12/2023 18:26

I think the ex saying you had to pay for the flights in the first place just speaks volumes. The BF isn’t new and has been met so I would have been under the assumption that he should have been invited anyway. As for the bridesmaid duty being held to ransom I am not surprised your daughter is feeling hurt by this all. As for your ex the fact that he is allowing his gf to speak to his daughter in this way is horrifying. I may be a little bias here because my ex is pushing his new gf on his kids but I just think until your children are independent you should be paying for them.
i mean where is your daughter going to get flight money from.

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