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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 22:35

fisherhatesgravel · 01/12/2023 20:50

The boyfriend or his family should cover his expenses.

Stop indulging the teen romance. Imagine in the future people looking at the wedding photos 'why isn't your daughter on any?' 'Oh she was seeing some spotty lad from college and refused to come if I didn't pay for all his expenses to come too'

Oh don't be ridiculous.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 22:37

Reigateforever · 01/12/2023 16:51

he said if he had to pay for everything, she wouldn't get anything for Xmas or her 18th birthday
What on earth makes him think she wants to go to his wedding as a birthday and Christmas present?

Particularly as it seems being an unpaid child minder is part of the deal.

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 22:45

@tukker I just don't get the issue here... he has booked a room for her so that's already covered. The flights are a only £400 ish for both of them return... added to the cost of a wedding that's really not huge. Tbf, I'm sure the BF could cover his own lunches etc while he's there and how he couldn't feed his own daughter for a couple of days is beyond me. Him and his GF seem awkward, self centred and just shit all round really. I don't blame your DD for choosing not to go.

namechangnancy · 01/12/2023 22:52

Egh I'm the ex wife in this situation and honestly I think your entitlement has trickled down hill.

You move your dd to another country, a country that has state free schools, but you don't want that so ask for him to pay for half of a boarding school which is something you wouldn't be asking if you hadn't moved.

And frame it as how dare he book a wedding when he should be funding half of the private education you chose in a country that you chose for your joint dd. You aren't his boss and actions have consequences, you chose to move to another country why should he shell out for private education when there are state funded schools.

Your daughter is young, and you have set her up for the pick me dance with her own dad. That's so fucking grim.

I think it's cheeky for them asking you to pay for your dd flight for the wedding, I think it's wholly unreasonable that you think they should pay for the your dd new bf flights and additional cost of the wedding.

Also you seem to be placing the blame on him for his decline in his relationship with your dd, when you moved her away to another country and I don't doubt made your feelings known about the new baby and that your ex shouldn't be getting married and should be funding your choices you made for dd. I don't think that actually that any of you come out smelling of flowers. But that breakdown isn't just on him, it's on you and if you don't start taking some responsibility your daughter will piece together the pieces

I know how hard this type of situation is because I have worked dammed hard not to be a mum like this. And my ex married the OW who broke up our marriage when our first child was born still.

I would be highly disappointed if my dd acted like this tbh.

Oh and he's not his gf she's is fiancé soon to be wife, and "new baby" your dd half sibling. Language matters and right now yours is barely containing your entitlement. However I'm glad you didn't text and make a fool of yourself.

Blaming your exs new wife for the reason your ex is making the choices he's making is such a lazy argument. He seems to have a spine - it's just he doesn't agree with you.

Clearly.

Pemba · 02/12/2023 00:00

Let's look at how this 'father' has behaved towards his daughter. Pays minimal maintenance. Won't help with school fees (has the OP said that it's a boarding school? The reason she might need to pay is probably because DD requires an English speaking school.) Allows his new partner to text his DD and tell her she needs to pay for her own food while a wedding guest. Tells his daughter if he has to pay for flights for her she won't be getting an 18th birthday or a Christmas present. Expects her to care for younger children at the wedding. Won't talk to his DD, but allows his partner who seems to dislike her to text her and give her 'ultimatums' and accuse her of ruining their wedding plans.

Father of the year, and you think he 'has a spine'?

GwenGhost · 02/12/2023 11:17

It’s obviously not a boarding school because 800€, even if that was half the cost, would not cover boarding school fees anywhere. 800-1,600€ per year parent contribution probably means it’s a private school with some state funding. In France for example (if OP is in France, she hasn’t said) that might mean it’s a state school with an international section where they take students from different language backgrounds and separate them out for part of the week to teach in their home language. The French curriculum would be taught for maybe 3-4days a week and that would all be funded by the state. Then for 1or2days a week (or equivalent split over different days) English speaking teachers will take English+maybe some other subjects, and this will not be funded or only partially funded by the French state.
Having a go at OP for moving her daughter is stupid. It was obviously all agreed by everyone involved. Presumably OP facilitates and finances regular trips for her daughter to the UK to see her dad. We have no idea what OP’s job is and what her options were around this move. It’s unreasonable to expect her to justify this here. We also don’t know how far away OP’s daughter and dad were living prior to the move. If there was already substantial distance within the UK it may not actually make a big difference that OP and her DD are now in Europe. -The Netherlands to London is not very different from Edinburgh to London for example. Or Paris to London vs Newcastle to London.

Original poster
tukker · 02/12/2023 12:44

GwenGhost · 02/12/2023 11:17

It’s obviously not a boarding school because 800€, even if that was half the cost, would not cover boarding school fees anywhere. 800-1,600€ per year parent contribution probably means it’s a private school with some state funding. In France for example (if OP is in France, she hasn’t said) that might mean it’s a state school with an international section where they take students from different language backgrounds and separate them out for part of the week to teach in their home language. The French curriculum would be taught for maybe 3-4days a week and that would all be funded by the state. Then for 1or2days a week (or equivalent split over different days) English speaking teachers will take English+maybe some other subjects, and this will not be funded or only partially funded by the French state.
Having a go at OP for moving her daughter is stupid. It was obviously all agreed by everyone involved. Presumably OP facilitates and finances regular trips for her daughter to the UK to see her dad. We have no idea what OP’s job is and what her options were around this move. It’s unreasonable to expect her to justify this here. We also don’t know how far away OP’s daughter and dad were living prior to the move. If there was already substantial distance within the UK it may not actually make a big difference that OP and her DD are now in Europe. -The Netherlands to London is not very different from Edinburgh to London for example. Or Paris to London vs Newcastle to London.

It's a state school which has 'lodging' facilities which DD wanted to use to integrate and learn the language. Fair enough surely? I paid the whole €1600 in the end as there was a flat out 'No' from exh not even any negotiation. If he had been more open about money, maybe I would have helped with the cost of the flights but I don't see why I should, which came as a bit of a shock to exh (I wonder why?!)
I couldn't care less what he does or spend his money on its not my problem anymore.
He even told DD on the phone last night that she should save her 200 pcm maintenance up to buy her bf flight. Ffs...
Dd and exh are now at a checkmate and he said things will sort themselves out meaning he's hoping dd will back down, but I think she will get a job in the summer and then spend the school holidays on a beach somewhere with her bf.

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 02/12/2023 12:58

I think it's unreasonable to expect them to pay for your DD's bf.

I also think your DD is nearly 18 and you're getting overly involved in matters between her and her dad. Leave them to it. She's practically an adult and it's up to her.

Scarletttulips · 02/12/2023 13:11

I also think your DD is nearly 18 and you're getting overly involved in matters between her and her dad. Leave them to it. She's practically an adult and it's up to her

Have you read OPs responses? She clearly states she sees both sides, she encourages a relationship and stayed neutral. she’s offering advice to DD - and if anything the Ex is insisting OP pays for DD air fair so she can attend his wedding even though he gives a paltry sum per month!

pikkumyy77 · 02/12/2023 13:17

fisherhatesgravel · 01/12/2023 20:50

The boyfriend or his family should cover his expenses.

Stop indulging the teen romance. Imagine in the future people looking at the wedding photos 'why isn't your daughter on any?' 'Oh she was seeing some spotty lad from college and refused to come if I didn't pay for all his expenses to come too'

That is the concern? That mr family first will have to explain away not having a warm enough relationship with his own daughter that she comes to his wedding and that he will naturally resort to insults to explain his failure as a host? I really don’t get the spite directed at the young couple in defence of the abandoning, cheapskate, father on his second marriage. Its not the 18 year old couple who have fucked up love and romance and are unreliable partners. They are in age appropriate first love. The father, though, has already been through love snd marriage and divorce. How rude if we all said what we are thinking about the second marriage which is it might not ever happen or the marriage might be over in a few years. Maybe dd and boyfriend should politely decline and just say they will save up to attend the next wedding?

GwenGhost · 02/12/2023 13:20

@tukker
Oh, don’t worry, you’ll get no criticism from me about your choice of school for your daughter. It’s not really related at all to this issue with the wedding and who should pay what.
To my mind it’s completely obvious that you should not be expected to pay anything (beyond perhaps a lift to the airport) and that if your ex wants his daughter there he’s going to have to lower his expectations of how motivated his 18year daughter from a previous relationship should be about attending her dad’s wedding with his second family. He should be happy she wants to come and should be doing what he can to help make that happen, not pushing her away by demanding she use her own money to attend. Paying for a traveling companion is also reasonable, especially since showing he’s supportive of her relationship is likely to make her feel more kindly towards his fiancée. I really think he’s shooting himself in the foot with how he’s handling this.

Elektra1 · 02/12/2023 13:42

I'm quite shocked at some of the responses on this thread. They've chosen to get married abroad. DD is his daughter. Why wouldn't he pay for her flights and food, and for her boyfriend too? It's a small expense in the scale of a whole wedding and she's he's 18 year old kid! He'll be reaping what he's sown for years with this.

StuartSheehyisBack · 02/12/2023 14:57

namechangnancy · 01/12/2023 22:52

Egh I'm the ex wife in this situation and honestly I think your entitlement has trickled down hill.

You move your dd to another country, a country that has state free schools, but you don't want that so ask for him to pay for half of a boarding school which is something you wouldn't be asking if you hadn't moved.

And frame it as how dare he book a wedding when he should be funding half of the private education you chose in a country that you chose for your joint dd. You aren't his boss and actions have consequences, you chose to move to another country why should he shell out for private education when there are state funded schools.

Your daughter is young, and you have set her up for the pick me dance with her own dad. That's so fucking grim.

I think it's cheeky for them asking you to pay for your dd flight for the wedding, I think it's wholly unreasonable that you think they should pay for the your dd new bf flights and additional cost of the wedding.

Also you seem to be placing the blame on him for his decline in his relationship with your dd, when you moved her away to another country and I don't doubt made your feelings known about the new baby and that your ex shouldn't be getting married and should be funding your choices you made for dd. I don't think that actually that any of you come out smelling of flowers. But that breakdown isn't just on him, it's on you and if you don't start taking some responsibility your daughter will piece together the pieces

I know how hard this type of situation is because I have worked dammed hard not to be a mum like this. And my ex married the OW who broke up our marriage when our first child was born still.

I would be highly disappointed if my dd acted like this tbh.

Oh and he's not his gf she's is fiancé soon to be wife, and "new baby" your dd half sibling. Language matters and right now yours is barely containing your entitlement. However I'm glad you didn't text and make a fool of yourself.

Blaming your exs new wife for the reason your ex is making the choices he's making is such a lazy argument. He seems to have a spine - it's just he doesn't agree with you.

Clearly.

Yes, how DARE the mother (the primary carer) want what is best for her daughter. What a cheek.

Everyone should be dancing to the tune of the ex H and you his current partner and kid. Incredible that the mother has the nerve to pay everything herself and use it to help her daughter.

All hail the new partner and kid, and the previous wife and child can jog along - yeah?!

FloydPepper · 02/12/2023 14:59

Elektra1 · 02/12/2023 13:42

I'm quite shocked at some of the responses on this thread. They've chosen to get married abroad. DD is his daughter. Why wouldn't he pay for her flights and food, and for her boyfriend too? It's a small expense in the scale of a whole wedding and she's he's 18 year old kid! He'll be reaping what he's sown for years with this.

No they’re getting married in the country where the op used to live, before she moved away with one daughter. Her other one is still in that home country.

op is reticent to talk about the circumstances of her moving abroad.

OneMorePlant · 02/12/2023 15:35

FloydPepper · 02/12/2023 14:59

No they’re getting married in the country where the op used to live, before she moved away with one daughter. Her other one is still in that home country.

op is reticent to talk about the circumstances of her moving abroad.

Show quote history

Why should she? It has no relevance.

Her daughter is 18 and she chose to go with her mother instead of staying with the father. She probably could have stayed in the UK with her sister if she wanted to.

What matters is that the father refuses to pay for his own daughter to come to his wedding and for her food during the stay.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 15:36

She probably could have stayed in the UK with her sister if she wanted to.

Or her father, if he and she wanted her to.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 15:42

GwenGhost · 02/12/2023 11:17

It’s obviously not a boarding school because 800€, even if that was half the cost, would not cover boarding school fees anywhere. 800-1,600€ per year parent contribution probably means it’s a private school with some state funding. In France for example (if OP is in France, she hasn’t said) that might mean it’s a state school with an international section where they take students from different language backgrounds and separate them out for part of the week to teach in their home language. The French curriculum would be taught for maybe 3-4days a week and that would all be funded by the state. Then for 1or2days a week (or equivalent split over different days) English speaking teachers will take English+maybe some other subjects, and this will not be funded or only partially funded by the French state.
Having a go at OP for moving her daughter is stupid. It was obviously all agreed by everyone involved. Presumably OP facilitates and finances regular trips for her daughter to the UK to see her dad. We have no idea what OP’s job is and what her options were around this move. It’s unreasonable to expect her to justify this here. We also don’t know how far away OP’s daughter and dad were living prior to the move. If there was already substantial distance within the UK it may not actually make a big difference that OP and her DD are now in Europe. -The Netherlands to London is not very different from Edinburgh to London for example. Or Paris to London vs Newcastle to London.

The €1600 was one off payment for an immersive boarding experience to learn French. Father refused to pay half.

Honeychickpea · 02/12/2023 15:44

Myfabby · 01/12/2023 10:17

curious, how does a school aged 18 year old who isn't working save?
And I don't see any blackmail here..

Show quote history

She gets a part time job like most of her peers.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 15:52

Honeychickpea · 02/12/2023 15:44

She gets a part time job like most of her peers.

Show quote history

Try reading the thread.

Even if she could get a part time job why on earth should she use her own money to go to this wedding? You know the wedding where the soon to be stepmother doesn't like her and she'll be expected to be an unpaid child minder to other children there?

namechangnancy · 02/12/2023 16:13

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle

Even if she could get a part time job why on earth should she use her own money to go to this wedding? You know the wedding where the soon to be stepmother doesn't like her and she'll be expected to be an unpaid child minder to other children there?

I mean that's a bit of a jump. The step mother and dad are going to pay for DD (as they should) the problem is they won't pay for her dd new bf to attend. And dd won't go unless they pay for him.

Personally I don't think that op should pay for any of it.

I also don't think dad shouldn't get married because dd wanted to go on a £1900 holiday or "immersive excursion" and he said no.

Talk about not reading the thread...

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 16:28

namechangnancy · 02/12/2023 16:13

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle

Even if she could get a part time job why on earth should she use her own money to go to this wedding? You know the wedding where the soon to be stepmother doesn't like her and she'll be expected to be an unpaid child minder to other children there?

I mean that's a bit of a jump. The step mother and dad are going to pay for DD (as they should) the problem is they won't pay for her dd new bf to attend. And dd won't go unless they pay for him.

Personally I don't think that op should pay for any of it.

I also don't think dad shouldn't get married because dd wanted to go on a £1900 holiday or "immersive excursion" and he said no.

Talk about not reading the thread...

Your post makes no sense. It has already been explained why the daughter hasn't got a part time job.

Who said anything about her father not getting married?

The €1600 (not £1900) wasn't a holiday.

The OP has said several times the soon to be new wife doesn't like the daughter.

The OP has said there will be other children there and the expectation is OP's daughter will be expected to look after them at the wedding.

As for the boyfriend, any decent person would have offered a +1 and any decent person would have offered to pay for the costs of 2 teenagers still in full time education.

Try reading the thread.

Honeychickpea · 02/12/2023 17:04

forrestgreen · 01/12/2023 13:08

Your dd is an adult who is at full time college. If her dad wants her there he pays for her to get there.
I'm not sure where she'd stay whilst there but asking a skint 18 yr old to fund themselves whilst there seems a bit much.
If they can't manage that much for a blood relation the. There's no way he'll put out for a randomer too.

I guess she sets her stall out to him clearly and it'll say a lot about how much he values her.

It says a lot about how much she values her relationship with her father too.

SerafinasGoose · 02/12/2023 17:16

Honeychickpea · 02/12/2023 17:04

It says a lot about how much she values her relationship with her father too.

Show quote history

Parents have obligations to their children, not vice versa. Reading these kinds of attitudes gives me some insight into why there are so many family schisms as children grow into adulthood.

The OP hasn't informed the thread of the intricate details of her decision to move overseas because it's none of our business. The decisions made as to their DD's schooling were no doubt done because these were in her best interests. If her father has had other priorities then, as ever, he may find that in this life you reap what you sow.

His suggestion that his DD spend what meagre maintenance he's allowed her on attending his wedding smacks of a breathtaking arrogance and speaks volumes as to how he truly feels about her.

And no, weddings are really not all that important, and non-attendance is far from a capital offence. It's hardly as though he's never done it before.

Wallflower3 · 02/12/2023 17:28

YABU - it’s your exH and his fiancés day, not your DD’s.

Wallflower3 · 02/12/2023 17:30

tukker · 01/12/2023 11:22

I totally agree the bf doesn't have to go and exh doesn't have to pay, but for the sake of an extra couple of hundred pounds on top of everything else. Dd doesn't like the gf or her family so taking the bf is important to her she said she was only going for her dad, but thr message seems like he will be occupied elsewhere.
It does seem like the gf doesn't want her there really, just her and her family.
Maybe exh will regret not keeping a bond with his daughter if and when the marriage fails, who knows?!

if and when the marriage fails? Sounds very bitter OP. Does your DD not like the gf or is it your influence?

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