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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 01/12/2023 14:47

tukker · 01/12/2023 11:57

Thank you, I feel like I've opened a can of worms with this thread, but it has diverted my attention to not texting my exh and making things worse. I have no part in the decision apart from maybe taking her to the airport (at my cost!).

Show quote history

Sit on your hands and don't interfere - you'll be blamed in the long run if you do. As pp states, they are all adults and can facilitate their own relationships. Listen but don't pass judgement.

my ex remarried recently for the 4th time, the 2nd wedding both his dc had a part to play, the 3rd they didn't attend and the 4th one went and was bridesmaid and the other was a £800 flight away and didn't attend as they said they'd been to the other wedding and that was a great do, so didn't feel they were missing out...

Cantbeardarknights · 01/12/2023 15:00

housethatbuiltme · 01/12/2023 14:20

In ALL wedding etiquette someone who is expected to travel long distance is suppose to automatically be issued a +1. People in the wedding party are also usually expected to be afforded a +1.

You can't be disrespectful by breaking the standard rules of having manners and then moan they aren't respecting your disrespectfulness.

They really expect her to travel there alone to do a job in their wedding and to pay for it herself. She is the grooms child and the guest being honored not an inconvenience and/or slave.

They’re really not

BetterWithPockets · 01/12/2023 15:20

I find some threads on MN bizarre, quite frankly! Telling OP that her TEENAGE daughter, who is still at SCHOOL, needs to develop maturity?? Well, yes, as she gets older, of course — but she’s not the adult here! It seems to me that if you’re the parent, and you actively want your child at your wedding, then you’d want to make your child feel wanted — and if that means accommodating their request to bring a +1, who is a significant part of their life, then so be it. Obviously if you can’t afford it, you’d speak to your child about that (not leave it to your GF to text with ultimatums), and come to a compromise if possible. But sadly, OP, I don’t get the sense that your ex is that bothered…

Iliveinside · 01/12/2023 15:24

Wow, there's some bitterness and judgement here.
You poor thing, I'm sure you weren't expecting this torrent
He's your ex, if you were still in agreement over everything you would still be married, and assuming he's on a low income based on what you're getting in child support is incredibly naive.
Your dd must be so hurt,
As far as she's concerned it's love and she needs his support
Surely she has the right to at least the same as other guests - a plus one
(and if there's no space then is it an expensive venue?)
I hope your ex pays for them both

Tinkerbyebye · 01/12/2023 16:04

I think your dd is not being unreasonable. She would like her bf to go, ok perhaps they could save for that, but at the end of the day does her father want her there? Certainly from what the gf says, paying for part flights and own food says no

if my daughter lived abroad and I wanted her at my wedding I would give her a plus one as she is unlikely to know anyone, pay for flights accommodation and food

shes better off not going at all

sparkellie · 01/12/2023 16:21

tukker · 01/12/2023 10:32

It's a tough one, I see it from both sides. I'm not encouraging my dd to do anything I'm just talking to her objectively.
Yes the bf may not be around after July but dd doesn't want to travel alone and be left with people who she doesn't really like.
Exh knows she has no money but would have been perfectly happy for me to pay. He even said so! which I am not.

I think the best thing you can do is encourage your dd to call your ex and talk to him directly. You (and she) should ignore anything sent by the gf and just let her and her dad sort it between themselves.

NoTouch · 01/12/2023 16:25

GwenGhost · 01/12/2023 14:23

I really think it depends on how totally smitten they are with their boyfriend (or not). If the teen truly believes this is the person they will spend the rest of their life with, then they just aren’t going to be receptive to this line of thinking. And they aren’t always wrong. Some of those teenage romances really do last decades. It’s not the majority but it’s not that uncommon either.

Show quote history

Absolutely been there with loved up/joined at the hip teens and it also absolutely doesn't mean they get pandered to and it is up to the adults around them to not shy away from difficult conversations and make sure they hear they are behaving immaturely, selfishly, causing hurt and showing a total lack of respect for their parents at that moment in time and what the consequences of that might be. Jeez, by the time they hit 18 they should know this already - most of them don't just forget the values they have been raised with at 18 just because they are in lurve.

Whether their relationship goes the distance or not is completely irrelevant. We are talking about going to her dads wedding for just a few days where she has agreed to be a bridesmaid, not emigrating.

Reigateforever · 01/12/2023 16:42

LiquoriceAllsorts2 Most European countries don’t allow children to work legally until 18. It isn’t like the UK.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 16:44

Thank you for the replies, I can see both sides of the argument for the bf going or not going, but that's what DD wants. All the kids involved in the wedding are school age and I think she was expected to look after them all.
She's meant to be speaking to exh tonight to tell him so.
In a previous conversation, he said if he had to pay for everything, she wouldn't get anything for Xmas or her 18th birthday..so that's really nice.

She's been really upset today, which is really what she doesn't need with all the stress she has at the moment with school and tests and everything.

All this stress for a wedding, that's 7 mths away.

OP posts:
Reigateforever · 01/12/2023 16:51

he said if he had to pay for everything, she wouldn't get anything for Xmas or her 18th birthday
What on earth makes him think she wants to go to his wedding as a birthday and Christmas present?

fingerguns · 01/12/2023 16:54

I think your ex should pay for her flights. If the bf wants to go, then he/his family should pay for his flights. It's up to the couple of they want this guy at their wedding though - they've only met him once and he's not been around that long. Surely your DD can manage a day with her own family?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 16:55

LaurieStrode · 01/12/2023 14:05

Exactly. She's hardly being supportive of anyone.

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"Supportive of her father" why should she. From what OP has said he's not supportive of his daughter.

greencheetah · 01/12/2023 16:56

I’m surprised XH didn’t invite DD + one in the first place.

Just keep out of it OP. I was in a similar situation, although my DDs battle was over the bridesmaid dress, which I thought was lovely!

Let her and her father find their own way. It’s very hard to stay out of it though.

Epidote · 01/12/2023 17:14

Your exh and his gf are not very keen in your DD going, innit?

Good for her to stand on her grounds. Threating for Xmas presents, skimming a few hundred when they are spending thousands.

Those two give the ick.

SunshineYay · 01/12/2023 17:23

tukker · 01/12/2023 16:44

Thank you for the replies, I can see both sides of the argument for the bf going or not going, but that's what DD wants. All the kids involved in the wedding are school age and I think she was expected to look after them all.
She's meant to be speaking to exh tonight to tell him so.
In a previous conversation, he said if he had to pay for everything, she wouldn't get anything for Xmas or her 18th birthday..so that's really nice.

She's been really upset today, which is really what she doesn't need with all the stress she has at the moment with school and tests and everything.

All this stress for a wedding, that's 7 mths away.

He should definitely pay for his daughter's flights and accommodation. However, he doesn't have to invite his teen dd's new bf. They might not even be together by the time the wedding comes around. If he does invite the bf then the bf should pay for his flights and accommodation. Surely your dd can get through a couple of days without her bf. They don't have to be together all the time.

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 18:09

tukker · 01/12/2023 16:44

Thank you for the replies, I can see both sides of the argument for the bf going or not going, but that's what DD wants. All the kids involved in the wedding are school age and I think she was expected to look after them all.
She's meant to be speaking to exh tonight to tell him so.
In a previous conversation, he said if he had to pay for everything, she wouldn't get anything for Xmas or her 18th birthday..so that's really nice.

She's been really upset today, which is really what she doesn't need with all the stress she has at the moment with school and tests and everything.

All this stress for a wedding, that's 7 mths away.

What a prize fucking peach...he can presumably drop thousands on a wedding with his girlfriend but can't add a few hundred to make sure his DD is happy and has a buddy to travel with and enjoy the wedding with.

And then he gives her an ultimatum... I'll buy your flights to MY wedding, that I want you to be at, but you won't get any Xmas or birthday presents.

What a complete dickhead.

Realistically OP, how much would the flight be for each of the kids?
I assume no accommodation costs as they would both stay with him over the wedding? I'd just like to know how much money he has damaged his relationship with his daughter for.

MrsCBY · 01/12/2023 18:45

I can see why he’s your ex, OP.

And dad of the year he ain’t.

And to those saying that the DD and her bf should get jobs to fund their attendance at this wedding - are you for fucking real? You think two teenagers doing A level equivalent should work umpteen hours at minimum wage in a shop or coffee shop or whatever, just to be able to pay to go to this wedding?!

Yes, every teen boy ever would happily spend hours stacking shelves or washing dishes just so he could go to his gf’s dad’s wedding. That’s totally reasonable.

Fucking loons on here sometimes.

Of course the dad and his gf should pay for them both. The fact they’re making such a fuss about it (and even initially asked you to pay, OP, in a move of deepest cheeky fuckery!) shows they’re not that bothered about having her there, which is just horrible really.

No wonder your DD is upset. Feel for her.

Scottishskifun · 01/12/2023 18:51

tukker · 01/12/2023 16:44

Thank you for the replies, I can see both sides of the argument for the bf going or not going, but that's what DD wants. All the kids involved in the wedding are school age and I think she was expected to look after them all.
She's meant to be speaking to exh tonight to tell him so.
In a previous conversation, he said if he had to pay for everything, she wouldn't get anything for Xmas or her 18th birthday..so that's really nice.

She's been really upset today, which is really what she doesn't need with all the stress she has at the moment with school and tests and everything.

All this stress for a wedding, that's 7 mths away.

18 year old me would have told your ex to stick it right there and then purely on that basis of saying that it's Xmas and birthday or wedding. More fool him hope your DD does as well!

OhmygodDont · 01/12/2023 19:01

Oh yeah after that update fuck him. Hopefully she tells him to poke it.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 19:31

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 18:09

What a prize fucking peach...he can presumably drop thousands on a wedding with his girlfriend but can't add a few hundred to make sure his DD is happy and has a buddy to travel with and enjoy the wedding with.

And then he gives her an ultimatum... I'll buy your flights to MY wedding, that I want you to be at, but you won't get any Xmas or birthday presents.

What a complete dickhead.

Realistically OP, how much would the flight be for each of the kids?
I assume no accommodation costs as they would both stay with him over the wedding? I'd just like to know how much money he has damaged his relationship with his daughter for.

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Let's say at the most £400 for 2 flights return in July. He's booked a hotel room for 2 nughts with breakfast wooo, but hes not buying them any other food...so what donthey do, they go hungry for 2 days?!
Surely this should have been thought about before anything was booked! Honestly I couldn't make it up!

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 01/12/2023 19:47

tukker · 01/12/2023 19:31

Let's say at the most £400 for 2 flights return in July. He's booked a hotel room for 2 nughts with breakfast wooo, but hes not buying them any other food...so what donthey do, they go hungry for 2 days?!
Surely this should have been thought about before anything was booked! Honestly I couldn't make it up!

Show quote history

I mean what was his plans if it was just her?! He would still be paying for a hotel room (with single occupancy supplement) and her food anyway.......

Your DD is better staying away from this and having a lovely summer!

kalokagathos · 01/12/2023 20:09

BF has to pay for his own flights imo

fisherhatesgravel · 01/12/2023 20:50

The boyfriend or his family should cover his expenses.

Stop indulging the teen romance. Imagine in the future people looking at the wedding photos 'why isn't your daughter on any?' 'Oh she was seeing some spotty lad from college and refused to come if I didn't pay for all his expenses to come too'

Pumpkinpie1 · 01/12/2023 20:53

Dd can’t demand a boyfriend comes to a weeding abroad fully paid for - ridiculous
But Dad should be paying for his dd full food board and travel expenses

Stay out of this OP it’s between your dd and her dad x

Pemba · 01/12/2023 22:23

If I was a parent of the BF I would be seriously unimpressed at being asked to pay for my son to attend the wedding of his GF's father. Absolutely no way would that be happening. Also laughing at all the idiots saying the lad should pay for his own flight. He is AT SCHOOL, he has no income, what is wrong with you? And also do you really think the boy is interested in attending? Cos all 18 year old boys are fascinated by middle aged weddings, right? It's hardly a holiday for him. If he does end up going it will only be to support his GF.

Your DD has my deepest sympathy OP, her father is clearly an arsehole. He is not demonstrating any care for his daughter. She probably feels uncomfortable about going, which is the reason she wanted her BF for moral support. Poor kid.