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Original poster

Ex and his wedding

605 replies

tukker · 01/12/2023 09:42

My ex is getting married next year and DD is meant to be a bridesmaid. Dd is nearly 18 and we live in Europe. Dd has a boyfriend and wants him to go to this wedding too but exh and gf aren't so keen.
Firstly they expected me to pay for flights, I said no. Then they said they would pay for DD but not her bf..
The wedding is in July so plenty of time. Dd had an argument with her dad about it all a couple of weeks ago. Exh gf has now accused dd of ruining the wedding as there's now an extra guest and she says the plans can't be changed.
Dd just wants to support her dad she doesn't really like the gf or her family.
The gf has now text dd this morning with an ultimatum about whether she really wants to be a bridesmaid or not and they will pay for some of the flight but they will have to pay for their own food for 2 days! , and she needs to let her know ASAP! I'm really trying to stop myself texting Exh because it will be a sh!tstorm if I do, but why hasn't he rang and spoke to DD?!
It's his DD and yes it's inconvenient that she wants to take her bf but so what?! Surely you accommodate that?! Or am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Alondra · 01/12/2023 13:50

Unbelievable, not unreliable. Hate autocorrect.

Missingmybabysomuch · 01/12/2023 13:50

DD is being unreasonable. You can't just demand someone else is invited to a wedding who the bride and groom don't know and haven't invited.

Nonimai · 01/12/2023 13:50

Dad is unreasonable for a) not fully paying for his daughter for the full trip and b) not allocating her a plus one ( it is perfectly understandable she wouldn’t want to travel overseas alone). So dad should pay for her flight, hotel , food for the trip. As boyfriend will be sharing the hotel, he should probably pay for own flight and food. Your daughter needs to speak to her dad - not his gf - and as she is 18, you shouldn’t get involved with dad. It is so cheeky suggesting you pay for the flights.

lanadelgrey · 01/12/2023 13:53

The time pressure is making everyone het up - ultimatums all round. It’s in July fgs.
So find some breathing space and maybe next week sit down with DD and explain why not going could be final, decisive rupture with her father and that she may not actually want that when she is older.
It is mean for father and gf not to find a bit of money for DD plus one in the grand scheme of things - is it a lavish affair? Can bf family buy flight and turn it into holiday in Uk kind of thing? Are there any grandparents who could fund? Being at a wedding when you are 18 is probably v dull and hardly anyone your own age to hang out with

pikkumyy77 · 01/12/2023 13:53

The whole thing is ridiculous. If the dad wants his daughter to support him in the second wedding then he should show her some love and support in his invitation to her.

JenniferJuniper80 · 01/12/2023 13:59

If Dd wants to go....

She goes!

Its not rocket science. Really. Its not

Any other guests pay their own way. Geez! Ffs.

FucksSakeSusan · 01/12/2023 14:01

If I were the fiancee I would pay for the daughter and bf to come, if only to make her feel comfortable. She's living abroad and not in regular touch with that side of the family.

However, I can see the logic of not paying for the bf. If they were offering to pay all the costs for DD I'd say they were being reasonable. Then it's her choice as to whether she's comfortable going or not. However, only offering to pay for part of her costs means the dad and fiancee are the unreasonable ones.

As someone who didn't get on with my dad's girlfriend, I can't imagine anything worse than being asked to be her bridesmaid, so maybe there's an element of that in your DD's decision.

All the people saying she'll regret it: I wish I'd had a similar situation when I was 18 so I could have realised what a cockwomble my father was. He also paid the bare minimum to my mum even though he was on a massive salary and she was struggling to get by. He didn't give a shit about me once he had his new family but it took me until my 30s to realise it. While not every man is like this, there are a lot of them about (and the signs are there in this case by the sounds of it).

LaurieStrode · 01/12/2023 14:05

BlueEyedPeanut · 01/12/2023 13:47

Dd just wants to support her dad

Well, that's not true, is it? She's threatening to not go unless her father pays for her boyfriend to go. She's putting her boyfriend first. A boyfriend she's only been with 10 months. She needs to grow up. This day isn't about her. If she can't go to support her father on his wedding day then she should pull out instead of playing stupid childish games.

Exactly. She's hardly being supportive of anyone.

explainthistomeplease · 01/12/2023 14:07

If I were the fiancee I would pay for the daughter and bf to come, if only to make her feel comfortable. She's living abroad and not in regular touch with that side of the family.

This, really. The boyfriend may or may not be around for next July, but doesn't dad and his girlfriend want to be part of daughter's life? You don't marry someone in isolation. Daughter's expenses should he fully funded, and perhaps boyfriend should pay own flight. But be welcomed. We all know boy and girlfriends come and go from our childrens' lives, but we accept them if we want our children happy and a full part of our family.

Does gf have children of her own? I'm sensing she thinks they're a bit a nuisance!

Tiiredofthiss · 01/12/2023 14:08

Sorry but it's completely unreasonable to expect your ex husband to pay for your daughter's boyfriend to attend the wedding. Yes he should pay for your daughter's flights and feed her while she's there but your daughter's boyfriend or his parents should pay his way.

Alondra · 01/12/2023 14:09

FucksSakeSusan · 01/12/2023 14:01

If I were the fiancee I would pay for the daughter and bf to come, if only to make her feel comfortable. She's living abroad and not in regular touch with that side of the family.

However, I can see the logic of not paying for the bf. If they were offering to pay all the costs for DD I'd say they were being reasonable. Then it's her choice as to whether she's comfortable going or not. However, only offering to pay for part of her costs means the dad and fiancee are the unreasonable ones.

As someone who didn't get on with my dad's girlfriend, I can't imagine anything worse than being asked to be her bridesmaid, so maybe there's an element of that in your DD's decision.

All the people saying she'll regret it: I wish I'd had a similar situation when I was 18 so I could have realised what a cockwomble my father was. He also paid the bare minimum to my mum even though he was on a massive salary and she was struggling to get by. He didn't give a shit about me once he had his new family but it took me until my 30s to realise it. While not every man is like this, there are a lot of them about (and the signs are there in this case by the sounds of it).

They are teenagers without money. His father should have allowed if he genuinely wanted his daughter to be BM. There is plenty of time to pay for a couple of cheap flights without creating all this drama.

My impression is that the ex was never much of a father anyway, and he's demonstrating it again with his new wedding.

divinededacende · 01/12/2023 14:09

I've only read the first page or two of responses but the vibe I'm getting is that people seem to be against your daughter. I completely disagree.

She's 18. She doesn't seem like she's well integrated with your ex and his new GF's. She's also in school so even though she's an adult, she's still not financially independent which is completely understandable.

This isn't just about the BF to me. It's about your daughter being asked to fly to another country into a situation she's not comfortable with and might feel isolated. If it was her dad, I'd absolutely be inviting her to bring someone with her. I would have made that offer from the start and not had to be asked.

StuartSheehyisBack · 01/12/2023 14:10

Your daughter wont be missing anything by not going. If her dad wants her there, he should pay - why should she be out of pocket for her dad's wedding? That's nuts.

She should have a plus one, though I think I do agree her BF should pay for his own flight.

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 01/12/2023 14:14

It's funny that last year I asked for a half the contribution to DDs school (€800) but he said he didn't have that sort of money, then he books a wedding?

Last time I checked, France had free state schools so you’re a bit of a cheeky fucker to expect him to forgo having a wedding in order to pay for boarding school which was presumably your choice!

Chipsahoyagain · 01/12/2023 14:17

tukker · 01/12/2023 10:09

Dd won't go to the wedding without bf. Dds text her back now and said if they don't pay for flights then they can't go.
The gf text and said they were going to pay for some of the flights up to £100 (they would be more than that).
So dd has said she's not going to be a bridesmaid now.
They both don't have jobs as they are still at school so can't pay anything.
It sounds like exh won't have time for dd anyway 😕.

What a spoilt madam she is! She is ruining their day and the GF is right. Why on earth does she expect the hanger on bf to be paid for???

housethatbuiltme · 01/12/2023 14:20

In ALL wedding etiquette someone who is expected to travel long distance is suppose to automatically be issued a +1. People in the wedding party are also usually expected to be afforded a +1.

You can't be disrespectful by breaking the standard rules of having manners and then moan they aren't respecting your disrespectfulness.

They really expect her to travel there alone to do a job in their wedding and to pay for it herself. She is the grooms child and the guest being honored not an inconvenience and/or slave.

ohdamnitjanet · 01/12/2023 14:21

plumtreebroke · 01/12/2023 10:07

Why didn't they give the DD a plus one initially? Is she meant to be alone in another country for her father's wedding?

Exactly this. Of course he should pay for the bf, just to thoughtful to his dd, if nothing else. What a tight fisted unkind pair they are.

Swimaway9 · 01/12/2023 14:21

Possibly not a popular opinion but I would not be comfortable in your daughters situation including being unable to travel with her boyfriend. They are a couple. If they were married would your daughters expenses be paid and not her husbands. I cant imagine inviting a daughter to a function and saying its all expenses paid for you and your partner can pay for his own, in fact we don't really want him there. What a mess 🤦‍♀️

GwenGhost · 01/12/2023 14:23

NoTouch · 01/12/2023 13:35

As the parent of a teen/early 20 and aunt/friend to many more, not all teens are self-absorbed to that extent that they cannot listen to and comprehend logic.

It depends on how the message is portrayed and how much the teen thinks the world revolves around them. If they think it does it is about time they heard life doesn't actually work that way and while they get to make their own choices, they get to live with the consequences too. It is her mums jobs to advise her of what those consequences might turn out to be.

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I really think it depends on how totally smitten they are with their boyfriend (or not). If the teen truly believes this is the person they will spend the rest of their life with, then they just aren’t going to be receptive to this line of thinking. And they aren’t always wrong. Some of those teenage romances really do last decades. It’s not the majority but it’s not that uncommon either.

divinededacende · 01/12/2023 14:25

Chipsahoyagain · 01/12/2023 14:17

What a spoilt madam she is! She is ruining their day and the GF is right. Why on earth does she expect the hanger on bf to be paid for???

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Spoilt madam? What is wrong with you people? If your school age child was being asked to fly to another country to a wedding of a father who doesn't seem that involved with a GF who's family they don't get on with, would you really begrudge them saying they'll only go if they can have someone go with them? Would you REALLY be comfortable with them going there alone and potentially feeling uncomfortable and isolated? This isn't about the boyfriend getting a free holiday. It's about the daughter feeling safe and supported.

Original poster
tukker · 01/12/2023 14:26

QueenOfTheLabyrinth · 01/12/2023 14:14

It's funny that last year I asked for a half the contribution to DDs school (€800) but he said he didn't have that sort of money, then he books a wedding?

Last time I checked, France had free state schools so you’re a bit of a cheeky fucker to expect him to forgo having a wedding in order to pay for boarding school which was presumably your choice!

Sorry I thought he was meant to be her father? Presumably the decision was made for the best interests of our DD!

OP posts:
OneMorePlant · 01/12/2023 14:39

tukker · 01/12/2023 14:26

Sorry I thought he was meant to be her father? Presumably the decision was made for the best interests of our DD!

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OP you are not unreasonable at all. Mumsnet is having another weird mood.

You should not have to contribute to your ex husbands marriage in any way, shape or form, and that includes paying for plane tickets for your daughter to go to his wedding.

Your ex is her father. Not only should he pay for everything so his 18 year old daughter, who is in school, can come to his wedding it should not even be up for discussion at all. This is ridiculous.

On top of that you can't just invite one person of a couple and expect the partner not to come and for this to be ok. It does not matter if its a 5 year marriage or a 8 month teenage love. It's just fucking rude.

She is also going to be alone at the wedding and as a father surely he would want someone to travel with her and keep her company. She's not a small child but she's not an adult either.

That they won't pay for the boyfriend is more understandable, though honestly as a parent, and considering the boy is in school with her, I would have pitched in so it's reasonable. If you can have a fancy wedding you can have your daughter and her boyfriend there.

Your ex husband is a coward and acting like a shit dad and your daughter is obviously upset by it.

Scottishskifun · 01/12/2023 14:40

I don't understand the posts of your DD being spoilt it's her choice and it sounds like ex H gf is getting her way with your DD not being there.

End of the day it's your exH who will miss out on his DD and damage the relationship for the sake of what his gf wanting to pitch herself against an 18 Yr old who's still in school?! Don't blame your DD at all for wanting someone with her.

Your ex is an idiot for allowing his relationship to be badly ruined, your DD will not forget this one at all.

Onceuponaheartache · 01/12/2023 14:41

tukker · 01/12/2023 14:26

Sorry I thought he was meant to be her father? Presumably the decision was made for the best interests of our DD!

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Depends if it was a discussion with him or a unilateral decision by you

Epidote · 01/12/2023 14:46

Your DD needs to tell your exh girlfriend to get a grip.

By you description if I were your daughter I couldn't think or anything more boring and less appealing. Bridesmaid of a bridecilla that I don't like much that pretends me to pay when she is marrying my father.
Your DD is not ruining anything is the Bride the one is being rude.