Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

361 replies

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:06

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 10:29

Re the spider thing - she is TERRIFIED of spiders. I mean panic attack level. If she is here and there is a spider, me or DH have to get rid of it (humanely). That's the only reason I brought it up. Conversation lasted all of two minutes and it's never been mentioned again. We have had loads of conversations about the move, and I can't honestly think of one other negative thing I've said. We are also currently planning our visit to see them next year.

OP posts:
Sendhelp101 · 01/12/2023 10:30

I was the same with my mum OP when I first moved out, my mum is amazing but I thought I was too busy or had too much on to bother and my mum worried but knew I'd contact her if I was in trouble or needed anything! Fast forward to my 30's I've been diagnosed with a long term chronic illness and ended up a single parent so rely on my mum heavily and speak to her daily. I think she would rather the former, a healthy independent child who didn't need to rely on their parents at 30 years old 😪

Draconis · 01/12/2023 10:32

45 mins is nothing. That's less than many peoples daily commute.

Invite them over for dinner or lunch or to stay the weekend. Pop over and visit them or meet them for a meal.

Alondra · 01/12/2023 10:33

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 10:29

Re the spider thing - she is TERRIFIED of spiders. I mean panic attack level. If she is here and there is a spider, me or DH have to get rid of it (humanely). That's the only reason I brought it up. Conversation lasted all of two minutes and it's never been mentioned again. We have had loads of conversations about the move, and I can't honestly think of one other negative thing I've said. We are also currently planning our visit to see them next year.

She will have to cope with spiders and deal with them. She is not a kid, don't treat her like one.

As moms, we are so used to always be one step ahead trying to protect our kids that often we forget, when they are adults, that they are no longer kids and need to deal with their own issues and learn from their own mistakes.

shepherdsangeldelight · 01/12/2023 10:33

do you not think sometimes that young people just need to be told that they’re wrong and just accept the wisdom of older , more experienced people? Surely that’s what OP’s daughter has to do at work for example? She can’t just be told she’s right all the time she isn’t!

Older people are not always wiser than younger people and shouldn't necessarily expect young people to agree to their views. It's different in a work setting, where you have to do what your manager says even if it actually is wrong.

In the spider example, neither OP or DD have any idea at this point whether DD's specific apartment will have spiders. OP's view is no more valid than DD's but by forcing it on DD she is saying "see, I know more than you". I suspect this is also part of a pattern - if she's always giving unsolicited advice, DD's natural response will be to reject it even if it's actually good advice.

Treewizard88 · 01/12/2023 10:35

Hey OP, I was a bit like this with my mum in my early 20s had lots going on with friends, partner, jobs etc. She suggested we meet once a fortnight for dinner and a drink (wine Wednesdays we called them) and it made us closer we looked forward to them would have a good catch up over dinner and drink occasionally we'd go to the cinema afterwards was a good way to keep close. Could you suggest something like that?

MrsKeats · 01/12/2023 10:35

I am definitely a matriarch but I think that's common where I live.
My dh barely is in touch with his adult children which I can't understand.

Brefugee · 01/12/2023 10:35

anythinginapinch · 01/12/2023 08:34

Same. I think, they'll get in touch if anything is actually wrong in their lives so no news is good news. I recall finding my DM low on my list in my 20s (mind you, I am a much better, less annoying mum than she was!). The idea of speaking weekly is too much for me. I take mine away for a week in the summer all paid for them and that way I do get a "reset" time with them but I'm lucky I can afford to do that.

No one loves us like a 3 year old tho - the fact is we are less essential to life than we were, for them. And that's a good thing. But painful yes.

i think that's a pretty shitty attitude towards parents though. Maybe my family is a bit weird?
I come from a military family so we were always away from my parents' families. but they wrote to (and when we had a phone called) their parents weekly.
And I have carried that on, so now it's just my mum left, i make doubly sure to make that weekly call. (my siblings are fuckers and don't)

So as a result my mum doesn't get into a panic when i call, but as soon as my siblings do, she knows there is bad news coming (and they're asking for money). That is a shit way to treat your parent, imo.

Brefugee · 01/12/2023 10:37

JennyForeigner · 01/12/2023 08:42

My mum could probably have written this a few years ago. We all went off and worked overseas, which is probably easier in terms of understanding not replying and so on.

Then we settled down and bought houses and struggled with the adult stuff and started to think about families of our own. Mum became completely central to our lives again in the most natural way. We wouldn't have a clue what to do without her and thank the god of nannas that we got a great one every day.

At that point 45 minutes distance may feel just about perfect!

so you ignored your mum until she was useful to you? seems harsh

BallaiLuimni · 01/12/2023 10:37

If you're serious about wanting a better relationship with them, stop giving advice. Treat them like an equal, a friend, rather than someone naive who needs your direction.

I guarantee it'll help, if you can manage to do it.

honoldbrist · 01/12/2023 10:37

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:35

I don't ring them, but I do send lots of messages. It's not as easy as making a big meal and asking them over. They both live in different towns to me. They are both about 45 minutes away, in opposite directions. Neither drives. It would be a train journey to get here plus a long walk. They work where they live. They socialise where they live every weekend. They have lots of friends and loads going on. There isn't any time left for me. I do get that. I think the thing that's hurting me at the moment is not replying to messages. It just seems a bit neglectful.

Do you go and see them? Send them messages about what is going on in your life? Phone them?

Its your job to keep it going. "Hi darling, I thought i would catch the train over and take you out for lunch / dinner. Does wednesday or saturday suit you better?"

When i was a similar age i lived further away and my parents would just tell me they were coming up to take me out for dinner. It was nice. And they used to phone constantly, even when it was inconvenient. How are you, what are you doing, do you need anything? Annoying at the time but creates an obligation to keep in contact!!! The more you talk to someone the more you onow about their life and then you talk more.

bonzaitree · 01/12/2023 10:40

Another factor here which pisses me off about my parents is travel.

I don’t understand why I’m expected to travel to my parents house to see them. They both have cars, are well and are retired, so could come and see me literally any time!

I have full time work and other commitments yet for some random reason I’m expected to drive down on a Friday after a full week working in the Friday traffic on the M6 to see them.

Logic? There is none.

OP get in your car and meet them for lunch or breakfast on a weekend.

AdultLounge · 01/12/2023 10:43

jeaux90 · 01/12/2023 08:18

Sounds like you did an amazing job as a parent. We are supposed to bring up independent adults.

Time to do more of what you want.

That what I tell myself too :)

Broodywuz · 01/12/2023 10:44

JennyForeigner · 01/12/2023 08:42

My mum could probably have written this a few years ago. We all went off and worked overseas, which is probably easier in terms of understanding not replying and so on.

Then we settled down and bought houses and struggled with the adult stuff and started to think about families of our own. Mum became completely central to our lives again in the most natural way. We wouldn't have a clue what to do without her and thank the god of nannas that we got a great one every day.

At that point 45 minutes distance may feel just about perfect!

This 👆 As hard as it is you need to be very proud you've raised such independent adults who are enjoying life so much. But i bet in a few years it will turn around and they'll be back needing mum again.
I've often thought my mum must of felt like this when I was late teens and in my 20's, now mid 30's with kids she's a huge part of my life again.

Wiccan · 01/12/2023 10:45

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 10:08

I somehow missed this post - thanks for highlighting it. Yes, this sums up how I feel. I know it's not personal, but it feels like it is! I feel like anything I say isn't valid. I thought at my age that my opinions would be sought or given credence. But instead they are almost laughed at. Maybe it's a generational thing? I do find my Dad's views on things rather ridiculous at times. Out of step with time, maybe.

I can remember my own Mum saying that her son-in-law made her feel this way, because he was always talking over her and challenging everything she said. She told me that she just stopped talking. So they'd go out for family meals and she would say very little. My sister even mentioned it to me. Funnily enough, when she would visit me and my DH she was a right chatterbox.

Show quote history

I actually caught myself turning into the
" what about me" needy mum . I had spent so much of my life bringing up kids (mum at 19) that I'd forgotten how to be me . I thought the same as you that they respected my DH more , it actually was because he didn't have any expectations and he didn't give a shit and they in turn didn't feel pressured. So I just did the same now we focus on our lives . My kids are adult enough to work it out and If they don't , well that's their problem . I tell my kids " what makes you think I have it all sussed just because I'm older than you " . I've learned to not assume I'm unloved because I don't get a reply to a text. It's more about how I feel about myself than how my kids feel about me . Motherhood really does batter us some self love helps 💐

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/12/2023 10:46

Whaaaat?!

So basically what some of you are saying is - it’s fine to ignore and dismiss your parents and whatever they say whilst you’re in your twenties living life but when you settle down and have your own kids and think they might be useful to you, you pick them back up again and deign to give them a bit of attention.

do you really think that is a good way to treat people??!

Caplin · 01/12/2023 10:47

I think it is natural, they are busy, successful and independent so you have done an awesome job. If they have good jobs and social lives they are probably run off their feet, which is a great thing.

I have never been great at calling my Mum. Probably habit as they moved overseas when I was at Uni to a very different, expensive time zone. My Mum came back about 10 years ago, by then I was married, kids, house, busy social life built with friends in lieu of family. We live about an hour apart. We also went through a tricky phase when she remarried someone I'm not wild about.

But I adore her, we have a great time together. Life is just busy. You need to focus on you and building up your own life to make it as full as theirs.

GodspeedJune · 01/12/2023 10:50

I know you said it was just one example but the spider conversation reminded me of one set of my in-laws who always think they know best and are very forthright in saying so. If they think you’re wrong, they’ll never bite their tongue. My DP does roll his eyes on the phone to them, and we give each other discreet knowing looks in person.

Try saying things like ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine’ or ‘I’m sure you’ll sort it all out’. You can sympathise with any dilemmas they have without always giving an opinion.

Alondra · 01/12/2023 10:50

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 10:29

Re the spider thing - she is TERRIFIED of spiders. I mean panic attack level. If she is here and there is a spider, me or DH have to get rid of it (humanely). That's the only reason I brought it up. Conversation lasted all of two minutes and it's never been mentioned again. We have had loads of conversations about the move, and I can't honestly think of one other negative thing I've said. We are also currently planning our visit to see them next year.

One more thing about spiders because it may show you how we all learn....

I'm a Spaniard expat living in Sydney (well, not so much expat these days as we got permanent residency). I never liked spiders but in Spain they were not a problem as they were tiny things.

A couple of months after arriving in Sydney, I stepped out of the shower and the biggest, most awful spider I had seen in my life, was on the mirror in front of me. Honestly, it was huge, hairy and terrifyingly looking. I don't get unnerved easily but it made me scream. DH was around and managed to kill it. I had no idea then that it was a Huntsman, not aggressive, not venomous and harmless.

These days if I see a Huntsman at home and is big, I get a tea Powell, grab it gently with my hand and put it in the garden. I will NEVER kill it.

We all learn OP

horseyhorsey17 · 01/12/2023 10:50

I was probably just the same as your kids in my mid-20s - I was too busy having fun and cracking on with work to ring my parents as often as I should. It's definitely not that you're not loved - they're just busy. It'll change when they have families of their own, you'll be trying to get rid of them then!

riotlady · 01/12/2023 10:50

senua · 01/12/2023 08:49

I agree with others: it's a stage of life thing.
They are in their twenties. Young, free and single. They should be out having fun and forgetting to phone their mum.
When they become home-owners or parents then the wheel will turn again.

Absolutely this, I didn’t message my mum much in my early 20s- my sister is 23 and calls her all the time, but mostly when she has a problem! When I had my daughter we saw each other a lot more and now I message her and see her a couple of times a week

Menomeno · 01/12/2023 10:52

I’ve been feeling this way too lately, a bit walked over. They’re awol until they need something and although I know it’s normal, it’s still not nice to feel used. I had a chat with dd19 last week and told her that I love seeing her growing, doing well at work, and so happy with her bf etc, but I miss her and miss doing things with her, and we should both make a bit more of an effort. On Tuesday she text me to ask if I fancied going out for dinner that night. It was completely unexpected and I was so thrilled. We had a lovely time. You don’t have to be a martyr and accept it, you can explain how it makes you feel sad and unvalued when they don’t reply to your messages for days. It might not change but at least you’ll have got it off your chest.

MrsMarzetti · 01/12/2023 10:55

We have 6 and believe me this is normal levels of communication until they need something or have children. Sometimes you need to remind them that it is rude not to reply to your messages. All of ours have their phones in their hands constantly yet can take days to reply but expect me to answer within 3 rings.

Tarbert12 · 01/12/2023 10:56

Tiny bit of me worried op might be my mum but I'm Def not mid twenties🤣

Honestly my mum hasn't taken me out for a meal since I was 14 or so. She doesn't make a big effort like that and NEVER phones me.

Husband's mum is in touch all the time, very supportive, we see her a lot more.

I just can't be arsed being the one to make the effort, you know?

coffeetoffeechocolate · 01/12/2023 10:56

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:52

Glad I'm not alone and maybe this IS normal. It's hard for me to just arrange a pub lunch with them, because I work 7 days a week (self employed), but on the odd occasion I am off, they are either working or have something social planned.

I know there's nothing "wrong", but I also have that feeling that if I dropped dead tomorrow they wouldn't really be bothered.

I do find as well, that they don't really value my opinion. They think I'm a worrier, or a bit OTT, but I think they are quite naive in many ways (I don't say this, of course). But if I give advice, I can sense the eye roll. It makes me feel insignificant, rather than an older and wiser family member.

Haven't read the full thread, but honestly I wouldn't give them any advice. At that age I thought I knew everything and probably would have eye rolled at my parents giving me advice.

However, 10+ years later, I do appreciate their advice and will ask for it if needed, especially as I work in the same profession they both did.

Swipe left for the next trending thread