Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

[mindsetchange]

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

I hear you, OP!

@Tarbert12

I just can't be arsed being the one to make the effort, you know?”

why not?

why don’t YOU offer to take HER out for a meal? Presumably you are an adult who works and earns money , why shouldn’t you?

How often are you messaging? And how often do you actually see each other?
From my experience, most people in their 20s and 30s who have moved out of their hometown see their parents a handful of times a year and message once a week or a couple of times per month. So if it's around that level then it's just a normal part of this stage of their life and nothing to worry about.

I have a friend whose adult DDs are on the phone several times a day offloading all their issues, it stresses her out completely. Nobody would want that!

with your DD moving away - once she’s settled you have to take responsibility for planning a trip during which you see her. So organise a holiday for yourself with opportunities to see her in it. Don’t expect to stay with her for weeks and weeks (maybe a few nights spaced out). Maybe invite her to join you at a nice holiday resort in the middle and offer to pay for that. But spend plenty of the trip doing your own thing off exploring, don’t rely on her to host / plan / entertain you

if she’s really going to have her kids there i would plan to get to know if. Scope out airbnbs I could book for extended visits, and eg whether I could work from there to support that

Thanks. Yes, me and DH are in the middle of scoping out a trip to visit them. Flights are not yet released for the return trip, but will be soon. I think we will be away for 3 weeks in total, and most likely stay 4 or 5 days with them. Rest of the trip will be sightseeing in that part of the world. Probably 4 destinations. Need to plan it all properly!!

If they do stay there long term and have kids there, the plan is for me to close the business in the winter, and for me and DH to go over there and stay for maybe a month in a nearby Airbnb, help with the children etc. Luckily DH retires in 3.5 years (he will be 55 by then) and my business could easily close for 2-3 months every winter, and have no adverse effect on my business for the other months of the year. We had planned to do this anyway, and go to a hot climate over the winter - because it's cold here and my business is slow in winter. Now we will just go to where DD is, instead of a random hot country.

I think back to my 20s and I seldom contacted my mother. She was often absent when we grew up and had a very busy life herself. I was determined to parent my own children differently.
When I was 37 and had babies for a few years I certainly heard more from her and she got a lot of pleasure from grandchildren. After that I rang her daily until she died but mainly out of duty. DH on the other hand had to be reminded to phone his mother and even then it was barely once a month. This was pre-digital. So when I had sons I felt that would be my fate.

My DC are 25 and 27.
I have always tried very, very hard not to seem needy. At the same time I try to keep up communication.
I think I do fairly well. DS1 lives half an hour away and comes over about every couple of weeks. He's not great at replying to messages but does eventually. DS2 lives 2 hours away but comes home for a night every couple of months. He always replies and will ring every couple of weeks.
Their lives are very busy and after years of turmoil and difficult relationships they both seem happily settled and in good careers - which is what we want right?
I am grateful for the contact I get but am always slightly anxious that they do it from duty. I also secretly envy friends who's DC have settled close to home.

I also get the feeling they take very little notice of what I say in general conversation but when they ask for advice they really do listen. For example on buying a house or on job applications.

It's really hard to judge this because it's SO personal.

We're NC with DH's parents but even before the issues that led to that, we both hated her phoning. She'd message constantly about random stuff, like seeing an old band that she thought DH might have liked, and then constantly message asking for a reply. She wanted to meet twice a week. It was full-on, and when we were together, it was perfectly fine but not enjoyable.

Life is busy, especially now. In my 20s I was exploring things, working hard and having fun. In my early 30s, I'm raising a child, working a lot, trying to stay on top of the COL crisis and still have a social life for both me, DH and DS, separately as well as together. There's not enough time for anything ever.

Most of my friends only see their parents weekly because the grandparents provide childcare for a day or two for the toddlers. It's sad, and I hate the idea of that being where we end up, I can't imagine it with a one-year-old... but it's not personal, they talk really highly of their parents.

Some people are naturally really close to family and I suspect that's a combination of how much wider family exposure they had as a child themselves, and their personalities. Some are not as much. Advice from your parents, even well-meaning, often feels irrelevant - my FIL liked to give advice on everything from paint colours to mortgages and work, and with the exception of the DIY advice, it was all outdated. There's an element of independence that is finding your own way, too. For your DD, that may well be working out how she deals with spiders - I am horrifically scared of them too and have passed out before, but have had to learn to cope. Initially that was by making friends with a downstairs neighbour who could help me to get them, now it's with a hoover if DH isn't around to take them outside in a cup.

There's a tendency to stick your claws in and try and drag things back when it feels like they're floating away, and I think that feeling will be intensified for you because they're both moving abroad. Subconsciously, they might also be preparing for that by practicing lower contact with you.

Will you be able to visit?

Be careful what you wish for, the grass is not always greener. I actually wish my adult DD had about as much contact as yours, not because I wouldn't miss her (I would), but because I would know she was doing OK.

I'm currently having to request compassionate leave days from work to be with her, spend hours on the phone talking to her (most of which I can't even hear because she's sobbing so much). She's at rock bottom at the moment, and it's important that I support her, but it's not pleasant.

Because I've got lots on and I don't have the emotional reserves to be suggesting things all the time @LuckySantangelo35

Did I mention she has never really done anything social for me in my entire adult life? She's my mum but she acts like I have to sort everything out, always has.

Oh boy that spider thing will be an eye opener.

Perhaps send her a spider catcher as a gift.

We have one and it is used here as it's an old house, they are monsters and all my children don't like them.

@Wiccan .... an excellent post.

I have several friends whom had outrage when they didn't immediately answer the phone when their mid 20's children needed them, despite being lax themselves.

She now deliberately does it and told them "what is good for the goose is good for the gander"...she had to explain the saying though😁.

That they are so independent is a blessing.
Failure to launch is such a dose.

Having your adult children trauma dumping every little annoyance on a daily basis is just awful.

Personally I would rather not hear from them if that is the price of a relationship.

I am old and tired though.😀

No 18th, no 21st, no graduation dinner, nothing.

Not sure if she realises this is weird.

This is terrifying! Its actually on my mind a lot, about whether we will encounter something like this when we visit. I mean, I can put spiders outside here in the UK, but even the big ones aren't too big. I genuinely don't know what I'm going to do if I see a big spider like you describe! My scalp is tingling as I type this.

There's a lot to be said for actually speaking on the phone, but since WhatsApp it's died a sudden death

I'm really sorry to hear this. And I totally get what you mean. That would be worse, I know. I hope you manage to get whatever the matter is sorted.

My neighbour, who is 58, has 2 DD's that live nearby, and they visit most days with their respective toddlers. Part of me feels a pang of jealousy, knowing that my grandchildren will be on the other side of the world. But in reality, maybe that's really stressful? She still works (albeit part time) and she does a LOT of babysitting. Mind you, that's 2 extremes isn't it? A middle ground would be nice.

You need to see them as equal adults.
You phone them and hear their voice every week.
Every two months you go to their place and drop in a batch of biscuits and go for a walk, help them clean and go shopping or go out for lunch.
You will have more to talk about when you have met their friends.
Invite them for a family meal every fortnight. Sometimes they will both attend and sometimes not. Sometimes they will bring a friend.
Be a reliable support. Be interested to learn about their lives.
Think positive.
You have raised two independent, wonderful adults but it's not unreasonable to want to keep a close relationship.

God help you both.
Very stressful.

Friends of mine have gone through similar and when things finally resolved themselves and improved, the silent phone was an absolute blessing.

I’m wondering if part of the problem was you spoiling them, and or there’s some resentment about their childhoods

My DC are teens and I’m getting increasingly nostalgic each Christmas about when they’d were little and excitable. Your post has made me realise there’s probably worse to come!

Haha that is true!!

I am sorry this is happening.
I have had my share of it with one DC who was very unhappy for years.
I am consequently very aware that the less I hear from them the more it means life is going well for them.

No. People are saying young adults in their 20s are still learning how to be adults, are still immature and a bit selfish (brains don’t stop developing until they’re 25) and usually really busy with jobs, study and friends. If their parents actually invite them over for a takeaway or drive over to meet them for a pub meal then 20-something kids are almost always receptive and really happy to see mum & dad. But random “How are you?” texts every other day and patronising unsolicited advice will not be well met.

Just to reassure you OP. I live in a different country to my children. I miss out on stuff (can’t be helped) but I message and chat and video call with them so often, I don’t really have time to miss them! We visit twice a year - they visit us once a year. I feel really very close to them and involved in their lives.

You can build a great relationship with a little bit of work ….

I'm on the opposite side of this story, as the "child" in a similar situation.

I stopped replying to the mums (mine and DH's), because it became very overwhelming.

They replied to every single story/post on social media, even just a photo of a house plant, with questions/comments that required responses. Even when I turned comments off, they messaged.

They always called at the same inconvenient times, despite us repeatedly saying times that were more convenient (for both sides).

They asked the same couple of questions every time as a token gesture, then spent the next hour monologuing a story about themselves and people we've never met, or complaining about someone in the family. A lot of conversations were based around humblebragging, what they've bought lately, how they're going on holiday again, how they stepped in as a superhero and saved the day in one or other situation.

This was often followed up by comments that imply to us that they still see us as children or students, that come across as very condescending. Lots of unsolicited advice on every topic of the sun, criticisms about xyz in our house (they haven't changed their carpet in 30 years so why they feel the need to gripe about things in our house I have no idea). Treating our house like it's theirs when they are over, but then breaking things.

When it got to the toxic stages of MIL talking about SIL having put on a "ton" of weight in a very degrading way (she looks the same), I stopped wanting to even make a token gesture.

There was nothing positive in it, and it was stifling. It was all too much.

Both DH and I are much happier at a distance.

What a sad way to look at life. Children are not a chore to get out of the way.