I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

[arghksk]

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

wanking is optional
menstruation is calendrical
many wankers have 'wank bank' images to get off to
I don't even know what would be a ?'blood shed'

just because it happens down there doesn't make it similar

Very much this. You sound like an awesome person OP and you deserve the best for yourself

are men simple creatures though? they can be utter manipulative bastards, and it is naive to think otherwise

Very broadly I think the issue is that you are focusing too much on him.

I think the key is to focus more on you. How do you feel based on how it is going? If you keep coming back to you then you will focus less on trying to guess what he is thinking.

At the end of the day you need to be with someone who meets your needs. If you have anxious attachment that means you focus too much on how he is feeling etc and you won't be too aware of how you are feeling unless it is a reflection of how he is feeling.

There is no easy route through this and it is not possible to say based on a couple of texts whether it is worth pursuing. I would suggest meeting him and simply seeing how he makes you feel. At each step of the way is he making your life better?

At the end of the day you cannot control how he js and whether or not this will be the relationship to end all relationships. You know your triggers and weaknesses. Trust yourself to do right by yourself and if it ends you will survive and keep going.

The advice given by many posters is to help op protect their own emotions.
Men are not 'simple creatures'. They can manipulate the emotions of a woman so they can get sex and then walk away leaving their self esteem in tatters.
It happens so often on the dating scene.

He did yes, he said he had a horrendous day at work and needed to wank to destress.

Being sent this after 4 dates (i.e. someone I barely know) would put me right off. No thanks.

What time do I leave it with no reply before I assume date is cancelled? I would quite like to know as had arranged babysitter etc so want to know if waste of time and money.

Cancel your babysitter! Please do not even contemplate meeting up with this man. He’s grim.

I think this is absolutely right, of course not all men, but there are absolutely men (and women) who are “dating” just for sex really- which is absolutely fine if both parties are aware of that and want to do that.

But when there are people like OP in the dating pool who are seeking genuine connection, who also have some attachment/self esteem issues, who become very quickly dependent on the affection of that other person for their entire mood that day- that’s where the potential for trouble lies. Because when someone who is just dating for sex/fun/ego boost, meets someone like OP who almost immediately forms these attachments, there’s a massive opportunity for OP to be taken advantage of.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about the fact that there are people in the dating pool who will manipulate others where they see a weakness. All we can do as people is work on and focus on ourselves, to try and ensure that we aren’t “easy pickings” for others.

Are you OK OP?

OP honestly, take the power back.

Cancel the date yourself, then make other plans. Or plan for a lovely night in with a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream.

Spend the night focusing on you.

Genuinely, you need to work on yourself before you contemplate any kind of relationship x

Oh OP I have totally been there! I really hate the early stages of dating once you start to like the person and become vulnerable - it can be really hard to navigate as an anxious person.

You really do just need to ride the waves and not give yourself away though - just play it cool even if you’re not feeling it, as much as you can. But at the same time, you’re never going to be able to be completely cool and there will come a moment when you do need reassurance - the right guy will be able to give you this - but it’s best to hold back on needing this until an appropriate time, which is probably a few more months in.

This is why I always dated a few people at once as it helped me be less attached and worried about any one guy in the early stages.

You said you can’t afford therapy so a book I would really recommend is “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s a really quick read but changed my life for the better.

One that is more of a textbook style book, so quite heavy going but really helped me to see the cause of my issues was “Social Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman, he goes into the science behind attachment theory. Understanding where my anxiety stemmed from helped me stop projecting this so much on to partners.

Finally, ATTITUDE - when you are dating, you are looking for a compatibility match. Dating isn’t a game of “pick me!!” It’s a science - you want to feel 90-100% about a person who ALSO feels 90-100% about you!

It’s like a job interview, they’re assessing you as a candidate but you shouldn’t get so caught up in wanting to be selected that you forget to assess them and ensure they’re right for you. If they don’t pick you it’s because they needed a different candidate, There is nothing to be gained in wondering and worrying about whether they like you - if they don’t like you then they’re just not the one for you and that’s okay.

But this is an area where you have to put up with a bit of uncertainty, especially in the early stages as people take varying times to decide they really like someone. As an anxious person sometimes we are so desperate for reassurance either way, that we can give a potential partner the “ick” or make ourselves seem low value.

The high value approach as a woman is to adopt the attitude of “I am a fantastic catch” and the right man will realise this and make the effort. Chasing a man is self defeating. Just be your brilliant self. If they don’t bother to chase you then that’s their loss and you’re on to the next thing because your time is precious and you’re fabulous.

The only thing you can really waste is your own time, so in the early stages just focus on whether you like them, whether they are what you want, and whether you’re having fun. And the rest will follow naturally.

Could you cancel the date proactively, keep babysitter, and invite an ordinary friend over for takeaway?

What time do I leave it with no reply before I assume date is cancelled? I would quite like to know as had arranged babysitter etc so want to know if waste of time and money.

Cancel the date yourself. Doesn't have to be flouncy or dramatic or needy (tell him 'sorry I can't make it after all'). Leave him to contact you again if he wants to, but I would strongly recommend binning him off.

Can you make other plans with your friends instead? I'd be tempted to just do that.
I'm old and cynical. I wouldn't be wasting time stressing about some dude who I barely know.

Christ on a bike, OP, get some self respect. How on earth can you expect other people to treat you well when you treat yourself like this?

Cancel the date. Block him. Raise your standards.

Pay the babysitter. Its rude to cancel last minute.

"Hi John, I enjoy my time with you but in the future I would need to know our plans for a date at least a week in advance as I need to arrange child care. Lucy"

Anything other than that is not an option for you. If he complies he's interested and if he doesn't and continues being wishy washy about arranging dates you need to drop him.

Just tell him he may as well have another wank before he comes over as you won't be sleeping with him 😂

Going against the grain but I’d give the guy a bit more time to reply? It’s only 11am. I’d be annoyed if a guy cancelled on me because I didn’t immediately reply!

In the dating world, I always live by.... If he likes you, he will make sure you know. If you're confused, he doesn't like you enough..

I would move on.

When you say no reply...what time did you text him? Your post says it was posted at 07:09 which is a time I'm not even familiar with tbh. Wouldn't he still be asleep? Apologies I haven't RTFT if he has texted since then..

Oh my god
How does someone even drop that into a text chat?!

Only one thing....is he at work and can't reply to your "is the date still on" text?

Though tbh I wouldn't want to see him anyway.

edit @Guesswho88 I'm not familiar with that time either 😂

👏👏👏

Yes he was awake as he initially replied and is always up early for work

I’d give it till tonight. If he’s not responded by say 3 hours after home from work he’s ghosting, but I assume he will.