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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

424 replies

arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:32

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

OP posts:
RosaMoline · 01/12/2023 09:18

He told you he was going to ‘have a wank’?
There’s your answer. He’s already sending you sexual/inappropriate messages and you haven’t even DTD yet. If you do have him over Saturday and you have sex, I can guarantee you’ll feel like shit Sunday morning and used. He’s not a keeper. You don’t have to take my advice, but personally I would be telling him you’ve had second thoughts & you’d prefer not to pursue anything with him. He’s putting in zero effort and he’s thinking he’s onto a sure thing. If he has a go about having to cancel his babysitter and that you’re fucking him about, block & delete. Take the power back.

Picturequestion · 01/12/2023 09:19

arghksk · 01/12/2023 09:13

That would be me. Been called worse to be fair.

Show quote history

No OP. You’re a normal human being who has irrational thoughts sometimes caused by emotions created by past experiences. Ignore this post. You are overthinking it but that’s very common. It would be good for you if you can work on yourself to build up your self worth and sense of security.

He doesn’t sound like a great catch. Telling you he was going for a wank is ew in my book. He’s too busy watching the football to reply properly. He’s not expressing any excitement or keenness to meet. If he does bow out I think it’s a lucky escape.

Epidote · 01/12/2023 09:19

OP, he told you he was for a wank! Darling, you have dodge a big bullet there.

I may be getting old for the new dating style but I wouldn't accept that amount of sharing for someone I have seem three times on dates.

Ladbrokeroad · 01/12/2023 09:20

howhardisittothink · 01/12/2023 09:17

What I'm not clear about is if he told you he was going for a wank and this is the level of conversation or if you read it as walk then realised he said wank. To me, four dates in you should still be a bit romantic and trying to woo one another, not discussing your bodily functions!

Completely agree with that. Oversharing bodily functions so early in the relationship is not a good sign.

Original poster
arghksk · 01/12/2023 09:21

I know my issues come from my dad basically abandoning me at age 11. I know where they come from. I just can't afford therapy at the moment. But I will.

This thread is helping me though. Thank you everyone

OP posts:
AllisColm · 01/12/2023 09:21

arghksk · 01/12/2023 09:02

Hahah I didn't mean walk. I meant wank. Ugh I honestly just thought as adults it's not a big deal. But perhaps I'm wrong and have well and truly put him off 🤣

Show quote history

OFGS that is disgusting.

Freakinfraser · 01/12/2023 09:21

This is all a bit much, from your anxious attachment style to his over sharing. And people are urging you to play games. Don’t respond blah blah

if he doesn’t come over as no sex, then there’s your answer, end it, but if he does and wants to see you. Spend time with you, and doesn’t pressure for sex, then try to chill.

NeedToChangeName · 01/12/2023 09:25

I suggest you work on your self esteem and think hard what you want from a relationship. You deserve better than this. But you need to believe that, deep down

takemeoutonight · 01/12/2023 09:25

A lot of this thread seems to encourage playing games and just confusing you (and him) further. Men are simple creatures really, they're fairly black and white in their thinking for the most part. His texts sound fairly normal for the situations and he probably just didn't pick up on your text last night and thought you were asking if everything was ok in that moment rather than overall. If you like him then don't bin him off based on him not playing mind games. I wonder what response you're hoping for regarding the period text? Aw x seems like he's acknowledging it but just a bit busy and maybe not sure what else to say. If he makes it about sex people on here will have him down as a sex pest, if he doesn't make it about sex people on here will have him down as not interested... he can't win. Girls stop overthinking and second guessing dating. Be your total you, your total self, even if that's crazy or needy. If he's meant to be with you he will be.
Someone upthread mentioned her hubby travelling 200 miles to go shopping with her, to some that would be a huge red flag but to the right person it's the sweet thoughtful action it was intended to be. There's a lesson there.

rolsete · 01/12/2023 09:30

User14March · 30/11/2023 21:55

Read ‘The Rules’, follow it like boot camp. It will work for you.

What are The Rules? Is this a book?

Knackeredhamster · 01/12/2023 09:31

Honestly op don't do yourself down.

It's not worth it. Go out tomorrow night instead if your gut tells you nah.

Mrsttcno1 · 01/12/2023 09:33

OP I’ve read over all of your replies and the best advice anyone can give you is to step away from not just this man, but from dating altogether. Get some therapy, work on yourself, your self esteem, work on setting boundaries- your mood should not depend on someone else’s mood, ESPECIALLY when that someone is a person you’ve only been on a handful of dates with.

You cannot have a truly healthy relationship without first working on and resolving your own issues. And sadly, there are absolutely some men out there who will happily exploit those issues, who will show you the attention you crave until they have sex with you, and then they ghost you. It’s awful and it shouldn’t happen, but it does, the only way to avoid that really is to work on yourself until you get out of that dependent anxious mindset. Forget dating for now, focus all of your attention on yourself and then the relationship will come x

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/12/2023 09:34

AllisColm · 01/12/2023 09:21

OFGS that is disgusting.

Show quote history

she told him about her period.

going from periods to wanking may not be such a huge step in this guy’s opinion.

Rosiiee · 01/12/2023 09:35

I’d honestly have a night in tomorrow with a hot water bottle, period snacks and watch ‘he’s not that into you’- it’s my go to movie when I’m feeling down.

Mayyyyybe he thought YOU wanted something casual when you said ‘do you still want to come?’. Maybe he interpreted that as you just want to have casual sex?

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 09:43

OP just end this relationship, if you are not feeling secure at this stage it's definitely not going to get any better. DEFINITELY don't sleep with him. I would honestly just keep putting him off and let it fizzle out. You need to find someone who makes you feel secure.

decionsdecisions62 · 01/12/2023 09:44

My husband hasn't stopped making an effort in 23 years. I would vacate this 'relationship'.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 01/12/2023 09:45

It would put me off if someone told me they were having a wank.

He doesn't seem like much of a catch, OP.

MsRosley · 01/12/2023 09:53

arghksk · 01/12/2023 09:03

He did yes, he said he had a horrendous day at work and needed to wank to destress.

Show quote history

This is repulsive. Seriously. He's an utterly repugnant man. I feel sad you can't see it, OP, and don't value yourself more.

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 09:54

Have only read your messages OP so probably repeating other people, but HE TOLD YOU HE WAS GOING FOR A WANK and you still want to see him?? How flipping low is your bar? He sounds gross.

Please god get yourself some therapy asap.
xxx

MsRosley · 01/12/2023 09:55

Mrsttcno1 · 01/12/2023 09:33

OP I’ve read over all of your replies and the best advice anyone can give you is to step away from not just this man, but from dating altogether. Get some therapy, work on yourself, your self esteem, work on setting boundaries- your mood should not depend on someone else’s mood, ESPECIALLY when that someone is a person you’ve only been on a handful of dates with.

You cannot have a truly healthy relationship without first working on and resolving your own issues. And sadly, there are absolutely some men out there who will happily exploit those issues, who will show you the attention you crave until they have sex with you, and then they ghost you. It’s awful and it shouldn’t happen, but it does, the only way to avoid that really is to work on yourself until you get out of that dependent anxious mindset. Forget dating for now, focus all of your attention on yourself and then the relationship will come x

This is excellent advice. OP, you can work on yourself now and reap the benefits forever, or carry on allowing mediocre men to use and disappoint you.

SheerLucks · 01/12/2023 09:56

He told you he was GOING FOR A WANK??

I would have ended it right there and never spoken to him again. Yes all men do this, but what sort of man tells a woman they've been on four dates with that they are going for a wank!!

You are better than this OP!

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 09:57

And you are worried about wasting his time if he comes over and you have your period so you tell him? OP this is terrible, you are not here to service his needs. Sending hug

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 09:59

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/12/2023 09:34

she told him about her period.

going from periods to wanking may not be such a huge step in this guy’s opinion.

Show quote history

he told her about the wanking first. just to clarify. it's like a court of law..

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 01/12/2023 10:01

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 09:59

he told her about the wanking first. just to clarify. it's like a court of law..

Show quote history

Good point…

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 10:01

OP he was probably more flirty with you because you were unavailable so he wanted to win you over -i suppose being unavailable usually indicates high self worth and that is ultimately very attractive, now he sees you as a bit of a push over you are less attractive to him. Not that you should care if you are attractive to him or not as the guy sounds like a massive wanker - quite literally!