I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

[arghksk]

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

Hi this is me. I always managed to drive dates away, even when they were not great guys in the first place, I was just desperate to be loved.

I wish I could tell you it goes away but it doesn't.

However, I met my fiance and no matter how unstable my behaviour he stayed. This is because he's v v v v laid back.

I used to call him 50 times a day at one point when we argued.

You will meet someone who stays and makes you feel secure.

However, you need to make yourself secure and realise you're a diamond.

Trust your gut. I'd not text him to make arrangements. If he does, see how the date goes.

I'm going to role play his part on this to give you an example of all that I see wrong.

She send me messages asking for reassurance, she is volatile and insecure.

She doesn't reply my text sometimes when I try to please her neediness, she is volatile and hold resent.

She just text me that she got her period, and it is very willing to have a shag. She wants a shag.
Conclusion:
I'm not going to meet her this weekend I'm going to mi mates for a drink. Next weekend I shag her and them I ghost her because she is overly dramatic and overthink even what she wants for breakfast and it doesn't work the hassle.

The above is not to make you feel bad. It is an example of what quite a lot of blokes would be thinking right now.

You can work on yourself, you can be in a better place. Start on that and you will see that most of your worries are just you overthinking.

I think the messages about starting your period and asking if he still wants to come are coming across as you only wanting something casual!

I wouldn't have told him about the period tbh, over sharing.

But if he doesn't reply I guess you have your answer now.

I just didn't want him coming over expecting a shag and then I'm like 'no I can't' and he gets annoyed or feels like he's wasted his time.

He's not responded anyway so I think I know the answer. I guess it's good I know now and can enjoy my Saturday without worrying

If you felt he would get annoyed when a shag wasn't available - then please someone grab the other end of this bin bag while you chuck him in it.

Walk away now and do some gentle work on yourself. Good times will come your way. You sound self aware already so that's a head start. Best of luck!

I wouldn't assume he thought you meant No Sex unless you said so...he might not be shy of blood, and might just think you want chocolate or extra cuddles or something, or will need to be less spontaneous and put down a towel/be in the shower.

I don’t like the way it was presumed sex would happen on Saturday anyway just because he was planning to stay over. You could have made it clear that he could stay (or not) but either way you were not rushing into sex.

You barely know him and you’re sharing info re your period. I can’t get my head around this.

You have met four times.

I don’t know anything about this guy other than he likes football, has a child and isn’t rushing to be in your company. He doesn’t sound like a great catch? Why do you like him?

Well then. You will stop texting him right now.
do not text him unless he sends anything but “aw, lol” without any prompting.

I feel like you’re responses seem very focused on his life / what he is doing.
that would seem a bit… uninteresting to me (unfortunately).

I have always had much better responses (when I was still dating) when I shared little tidbits of my life.
and when I wasn’t too available. Not in a manipulative manner but simply because I have a life, friends and commitment. Most people want a partner who already has a fun, interesting life. Being too available doesn’t give that impression.

Probably because he's starting to not like me 🤣 no I find him attractive, did enjoy his chat/banter. I feel like him not getting to see me is on me though as he has tried for more and I've had to cancel a few.

I don't really think sharing period info is a big deal. It's natural and he told me he was going for a walk last night so don't see why he can share that stuff and I can't share mine.

He told me he was going for a wank last night. Not walk. Yeah writing that down it doesn't sound good at all actually. I was so looking forward to seeing him tomorrow though, few drinks and a flirt and a film and now just so gutted it's probably off.

I don't really think sharing period info is a big deal. It's natural and he told me he was going for a walk last night so don't see why he can share that stuff and I can't share mine.

Imo it isn’t like sharing you are going for a walk. It’s more like sharing you have done a big poo. Just why….

He told you he was going for a wank last night 😆
This all sounds like hard work and I am reminded of why I have been single for ten years

Hahah I didn't mean walk. I meant wank. Ugh I honestly just thought as adults it's not a big deal. But perhaps I'm wrong and have well and truly put him off 🤣

He did yes, he said he had a horrendous day at work and needed to wank to destress.

He sounds awful.

the period info and especially how that info was communicated made it seem as if you wanted something casual.

Whether he saw this the same way or not: he currently seems to consider it something casual as well.

I think he sounds fine and you sound like a self-destructive over thinker.

Ew gross.

Has this thread actually helped @arghksk or has it just made you even more confused?

I think the problem is - as was pointed out upthread - that you are only focused on what he thinks of you.

You are not taking the time to listen to yourself and what you want, whether you like him etc.

It's no good focusing on him and trying to crack some secret code - unless the goal is to tie yourself in knots and obsession.

That would be me. Been called worse to be fair.

if you can’t say anything helpful keep quiet. This is aggressive and mean.

What I'm not clear about is if he told you he was going for a wank and this is the level of conversation or if you read it as walk then realised he said wank. To me, four dates in you should still be a bit romantic and trying to woo one another, not discussing your bodily functions!

OP @arghksk you sound just like me a few years ago (I like 'self-destructive over thinker' - perfect description). I sympathise with what you are thinking and feeling. It's good you posted on here, at least you can have a laugh.

I was single for over 10 years for that reason.