I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

[arghksk]

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

@arghksk What's he said OP?

He said 'this day is hectic' - literally it

Eh mixed feelings about that msg….. ‘this day is hectic’ as in I’ll reply properly later but we’re still on? I wouldn’t bother replying. If you can give the babysitter 24 hrs notice before cancelling I’d wait until after work to see if he reaches back out but if not I’d say tomorrow isn’t on. How frustrating! Why is he so dumb?

Orrrrr you could say something like ‘could you pls answer the above question so I know if I should cancel the babysitter?’

Okay, so he's having a hectic day, fair enough. What time must you cancel your sitter do you think? Would you send him a message and say 'Sitter has just text to confirm tomorrow night, are we still on or would you like to leave it?'

If he says leave it, then you'd know it's purely sex and you can move on.

If he wants to keep the date, then I'd take that as a positive and maybe he really has just had a tough week.

I think the period is a blessing in disguise really, it's an opportunity to see what his motives are early on.

I've just text saying can you let me know if still on so I can plan my weekend and let babysitter know.

Glad to hear it, fingers crossed he comes back with nothing less than 'Of course we're still on, looking forward to it' x

This sounds like too much hard work. Do yourself a favour - forget him and move on to someone who doesn't trigger you or make you feel anxious and needy.

It takes the same amount of time to reply 'of course we're still on for tomorrow' as to write 'work is busy'. So the fact he hasn't said that is terrible and shows you what he wants OP.

The "hectic day" message is a smoke screen. It would have taken him as long to answer the question you asked as it took to type that OP!

Take control of this situation in your own mind. Decide what you want to do rather than reacting to what he fancies this weekend.

He’s on a power trip most probably enjoying the fact you’re glued to the phone anxious waiting for him to throw you a crumb . He’s going to text you at the very last minute to let you know “he’s still on”. He’s testing your boundaries to see how desperate you are.

Yes was thinking the same. That's what I don't understand. Just say no or yes? Why say anything else?

I felt like instant relief when he text and now back anxious. I honestly need to stop this. My stomach is in knots and I feel like crying.

Yep this.

OP - please just cancel the date. This guy is grim as hell.

What are you up to today OP? Are you working or can you get out for a walk with a good podcast for a bit or something to take your mind off it?

OP you've been on four dates. You barely know him. He barely knows you. It's really disproportionate that you've given him this much emotional power over you.

He's just some man. You can let him go.

"DancinOnTheCeiling
It takes the same amount of time to reply 'of course we're still on for tomorrow' as to write 'work is busy'. So the fact he hasn't said that is terrible and shows you what he wants OP."

Yes was thinking the same. That's what I don't understand. Just say no or yes? Why say anything else?

But OP he is saying no by not answering. Or he definitely isn't saying HELL YEAH. If your self esteem was higher you wouldn't accept anything other than a HELL YEAH at this stage. The man that's right for you should be wanting to see you, whatever the circumstances

OP, stop. You're tying yourself in knots over some boring, vulgar guy that can barely arse himself to send you a text that isn't fall-asleep boring.
Move away from this one. And practice treating dating very lightly until you have decent, solid evidence that someone is a decent human being with time for you.
This whole "busy, hectic" thing is just a distancing mechanism, btw. People make time when it's important to them.
This one just sounds like a dull, boring, slightly gross oaf.

So sorry you're feeling like this. But this feeling isn't about him. What he's doing is triggering the abandonment you felt when your dad disappeared. It feels unbearable because you've not processed it. This guy is just some guy who you hardly know, he's triggering lots of stuff in you that isn't anything to do with him.

Maybe she just wants to get laid really bad, end off (absolutely nothing wrong with that!), but even with casual booty calls one needs to have standards OP, specially when one has a baby that needs child care.

This is really unhealthy op, I’m not sure what to say, but there is something very wrong here that I think you need help with . Have you always been like this, so anxious and desperate?

I wouldn't have him stay over at the weekend. Seeing him is fine but staying over, no. Also if he is getting a little comfortable and thinking you're a sure thing, taking it back a step (ie not giving him sure sex) would probably be good in that he will hopefully take what he has less for granted.

I'd probably still see him but cancel the overnight bit either by
a) saying he's been a little cold recently and it's made you want to take a step back, so let's still meet, but "I'm not quite ready to sleep in the same bed"
b) "I'm thought about it and I'm not quite ready to sleep in the same bed" without explaining that he's been cold or giving any reasoning. You don't owe him a reason, you feel how you feel
c) something came up, visiting your gran, driving a pregnant friend to the hospital, need a blood test yourself, got called to work last minute and therefore need good sleep
d) cancel altogether if you don't want to see him without the overnight bit, but then you'll probably be faced with the same problem that he'll expect to stay over next time

Exactly what @gannett said.

Focus on YOUR feelings, and consider them first and foremost, rather than the effect you might be having on the other person, whether it’s a date, a new friendship, a new social situation etc. You see the same pattern in posts by people who struggle socially — they’re always sidelining themselves and thinking ‘Does X like me? How am I coming across?’

Always lead with “Do I like X? Is Y starting to bore me? Am I getting what I want/need here?’

That way you’re grounded, aware of your own feelings and thought processes, and better able to act accordingly.

With the added advantage that someone who is grounded and self-aware, and who obviously has standards in relationships and friendships, is fundamentally more appealing to others.

You really need to focus on your child and not some man you've met 4 times (who will now know where your child lives) who texts you about wanking.

Raise the bar.

He text saying 'Relax, I am just very very busy under big pressure with jobs. I will be there talk after 😄 x'