To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

Like the rest of us, you're going to have to cut your cloth. Luckily you are well paid and so have options. E.g. you could move your mortgage to an interest only arrangement for a few years; get an au pair rather than a nanny; send your kids to a state school; don't take expensive holidays etc. etc.

I still don't think your husband should be guilted into turning down his job offer. I would say this if it was the other way around as well.

If your children are in school and preschool, why is the nanny doing 25 hours over 2 days? When you are also doing drop offs and pick ups? Genuine question, apologies if I've misunderstood.

You're earning 5x DH salary and working at 80%.

I recognise you took a step back to allow him to start a new career path, but look at it if roles were reversed. You would be flooded with comments telling you to go for it, reach for the stars etc and dont let a man dictate anything to you!

I would let your husband pursue his career as he wishes. If you dont, I fear he could later resent you for it.

At 5x teachers salary and a HOD salary, you should be able to afford the additional childcare.

@Flowermarket youngest has only just started at pre-school and does mornings only on the nanny days. We could let her move on whilst I'm on mat leave and hire someone else when needed, but she has been with us 4+ years and we were hoping to keep some continuity.

I'd like to see the families outgoings on a spreadsheet. Which is why I think they need a good accountant. For instance the OP could set up a limited company and pay her OH a dividend.

It really astounds me how really clever high earners just don't understand tax breaks.

They might be Mensa, but they're not savvy

Hoe’s she going to set up a limited company when she’s on PAYE?

^£700pcm support for DH parents
£250pcm support for my parents^

Most people don't give nearly a grand a month to their parents.

Do they actually need this money? A lot of older people claim to be struggling but the reality is that they're often a lot more comfortable than their children who're spending thousands a month on mortgage and childcare, expenses that the aged parents don't have.

Maybe you could send them to state school and save yourself some money. If you choose to pay you can't moan about lack of money.

@BarbaraofSeville ILs would lose their house without our input. I'd happily drop it, but doubt DH would choose that route. My parents could possibly do without.

We could send the kids to state school, but one of DH's main motivations for moving to private sector was to get the fee discount so that we could send the kids to our top choice of school. We are managing fine financially, we just don't have thousands extra to spend on more childcare.

This.

Oh dear. But you would have the thousands extra for childcare if they were in a state school 🤦🏻

There is one single very important thing here- your DH’s job dictates the school your children attend and it sounds like it is a through school that will take all 3 of them right from Reception to A Levels. On the assumption that you do not want them to have to move schools then he’s going to be teaching there for a very long time (extended even more now by DC3). If he is in the frame for HOD now, the last thing he needs is to see a colleague or newcomer bag that job and hog it for the next 10 years, otherwise you’re going to be posting here in 2027 when he needs to change schools to progress, saying how unreasonable it is for his career ambitions to mean your kids have to move school.

You need to find a way to make this work now because the opportunity is here now and it’s not as simple as just saying “oh it will come around again”.

@Vettrianofan yes, but we wouldn't need the extra childcare if DH stuck with his current working pattern. If it's a choice between his going for the new job and us changing the kids schooling, we would both choose keeping the kids in their current school.

Exactly that. I made the same point earlier. This school is a constant factor for the next 18 years, surely that’s worth investing in and putting up with short term pain?

I also really fail to understand giving a grand a month to four other adults but maybe I’m just a mean cow.

Good point. OP needs to consider how important this particular school seems to be.

I do however think that it’s lovely to support your parents financially.

I simply find it a bit confusing that OP / her husband wouldn’t want to invest a few thousand (tops) a month in the husband’s career and childcare when they clearly have no problem spending quite a lot on their (well, mostly his) parents.

and it’s not as if they needed a nanny for the next 12+ years. It’s a fairly foreseeable time frame (unlike the parents).

Agreed

I think YANBU OP but I think your solution is here. DH makes his choice between current job and status quo, or promotion and his parents can't have a contribution any more because it's needed for childcare. I think he has reneged on your agreement that he wouldn't go for promotion yet, so the pain of that decision needs to fall on him.

Presumably it's your wages that pay that to his parents, rather than his, given what you've said about salaries? I think he's taking the piss really.

Totally baffling on that budget to be sending vast sums to parents. You , and they, need to cut your cloth appropriately.

If your DH's salary as HOD doesn't cover a nanny's salary then he is being very underpaid.

I agree that if private school is a long term aim and you need your DH's working discount it makes even less sense to pass up the opportunity for promotion. He could spend years watching someone else do the job he wanted to do.

2,200pcm mortgage is sickening.

I mean, in some parts of the country if you bought recently that doesn't buy much sadly (no idea whether that's the case here)

But the expenditure Vs income is astonishing. Our household income is higher and our expenditure substantially less and I thought we were fairly spendy (we value extra curriculars/travel etc)

@NCforthis235

Two questions are your retired in laws feckless? They should be pulling in state pensions at the very least.

Question two is your husband a teacher in the private sector?

@NCforthis235

Another question if you work in the public sector ignore me. However, if you're in the private sector explore if you can go self employed and pay your OH a dividend. My friend does this he's a whizz in bank security, his wife is paid by him whilst staying home to raise four children. Otherwise the tax bil would have been really ouchy

What are your inlaws circumstances re their home and you and dh needing to fund it? Do they work?

Sounds like time for the grandparents to downsize or do equity release.