To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

It isn't that your career progression isn't important Op, but it is a longer term issue that the immediate decision that your husband needs to make. It doesn't stop you moving or developing your career, but may delay it slightly which is as much due to having three small children as it is to your husband's wish to develop his career.

I don’t think that if the roles were reversed everyone would be in uproar - I think everyone would
be piling on to tell OP not to go for HoD because life’s too short, you never get that time back with the little ones, there’s more to life than a (ugh) career etc.

I guess OP it really depends on whether as a couple you are geared around 2 equal careers (albeit one that pays more) or whether the agreement is for him to be more weighed into being responsible for the domestic load, and you for the financial. Only you guys can decide that. I would be tempted to tell him to go for it BUT you need a workable plan - him just not being available in term time is not it. At the end of the day you need to protect and maximise YOUR income and that’s not insignificant.

re the SPL - as a teacher I actually don’t think this is the end of the world. He’ll have time over summer etc. I’d be tempted to get some additional help in to help you through the first year to offset that. Babies won’t be babies forever.

3rd year teaching is about 40k. 0.8fte = £32k.

Your salary then £160k (5x his).

So you have a family income of close to 200k pa?

I’ll never understand why people have another baby when their life is already a bit of a struggle with the ones they have.

like life is short - why not make as easy and pleasurable for yourself as you can?!

can anyone explain?! I’m not being judgemental or anything, just genuinely curious!

You say you have family help one day a week for the baby. You’ve also mentioned that you support both sets of parents. Is it a parent you support who is providing this family help? Could that be increased perhaps, particularly since you are already giving them money?

80% of a 3rd year teacher salary is c.£26k. So yes, the posters dreaming up £250, £300k are way off.

that is poor for private sector

so £26k
you are 5x that coming in at £130k for a 4 day week.

ok so we’re looking at £156k plus very substantial discount on fees.

very little currently spent on additional childcare.

there’s a lot of scope of extra money. You going full time, him taking the promotion and going full time.

I’m going to answer your actual question op, rather than give unsolicited advice/opinions which is what lots of people are doing on here (some rather unkindly). I don’t think you are unreasonable to ask him to think about what it will really be like/to stick to the plan that once baby 3 is out it’s your turn career wise. No-one really understands what a new job will be like. I’ve been a HOD twice. Once for two years (stepped down because I had twins) once for five years (stepped down because I valued my sanity over money). The jump in workload from teacher to HOD is huge. I was head of core so it will depend on the subject he’ll be head of but I went from 50ish hr weeks as a teacher to 70ish hour weeks. Partly that was the type of school I was hod at (one with an SLT that delighted in piling on pointless tasks daily) and partly was me wanting to do a good job. Being a hod is a huge job and you absolutely are reasonable to consider the impact of that on your family.

you have said that you will go back to him and that you will stay in current situation

but that doesn’t address what you will do about childcare

@KingsleyBorder they already do a lot of "backup" on drop off/pickup if I have an early or late meeting I can't move. I think 1 day a week with the baby would be the limit in terms of what they'd be comfortable with (they are getting older), but they could probably do a bit more in terms of supporting an hour or two of an evening whilst I finish off my days work.

In which case we would probably only need to find an extra day a week with the nanny to cover DH's current day off. Perhaps I'll suggest that the shortfall for that after his pay bump comes from the money we currently send his parents...

why is anyone other than your husband doing drop off when he is going there 4 days a week?

a prep school with no after school care or clubs beyond 4.15pm is…. unusual

@Geneve82 yes - that ballpark. Some of my comp is variable so we probably range between £130-170k annually. Take home pay about £7kpcm plus an annual bonus. From that, roughly:

£1500pcm for the nanny
£2200pcm mortgage (just gone up by c£1000pcm with interest rates)
£1200pcm essential bills
£500pcm commuting/overnight costs for work (not expensable)
£700pcm support for DH parents
£250pcm support for my parents
Remainder disposable - Bonus pays the school fees and the holiday.

Senior school where DH works is on a different site from primary. There would be 3rd party provision available for the eldest if we wanted it, but not for the youngest in pre-school.

You need someone to change your nappy when old and decrepit, might as well be your various offspring 🤷🏻

£1500 for nanny twice a week?

well paid!

so same question op

you have said you will stay with current statue so dh can accept

great

but what is going to be the childcare change?

We're in a very similar position to you (except for the 3rd child element) and to be honest I would be a completely flummoxed if my husband even raised the idea of going for a promotion like that right now. I think some previous posters (understandably) don't understand how full on and stressful it is supporting your family through one parent's career change at a time when there are babies and pre-schoolers in the mix. We have a good life as a family but I am structurally exhausted and have been stuck needing to be the one who has the reliable and flexible job for years. I think (hope) my husband recognises that there needs to be a period now where the burden that has been on me is spread out more evenly and I get a few more choices, as he has had through this whole period. There has to be some compromise in family life - one partner shouldn't be climbing the ladder by running the other further and further into the ground - the chance for him to take a promotion will come up again at a time that works better for you

@Vettrianofan

no guarantee your offspring will do that for you though is there

The nanny does 25 hours over 2 days and is paid at the going rate for our area, if not a little below.

I'm not sure whether or not his pay bump would cover the extra day with the nanny, probably not quite. We wouldn't need her for as long a day as I'd be WFH so could do drop off and pick up.

The other day would stay the same, but I wouldn't have him reliably back to let me finish my work day before the kids go to bed, so I'd have to move that to the evening.

1 day of HOD salary would cover 1 day with nanny on the salary you state for the nanny. No ifs or buts about that!

plus

he will get increased amount off fees
increased pension

why do you need to drop off when your husband works at same school?!

Personal tax really isn't my thing (corporate) but we were really running out of cunning tax plans back in the day when I did. It's quite possible that there are new tax avoidance measures I'm not familiar with.

@Geneve82 see my last post - they're on different sites.