To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

I think YABU. You can’t ask him to compromise on his career while then expecting that you can also progress yours. If you both want to progress your careers, you need to work out a way that you can do that, and it sounds like you can afford a nanny so I’d go for that. I would say the same if roles were reversed.

I think you’re directing your frustrations in the wrong direction. Why on earth are you bankrolling your parents and in laws? If your in laws would lose their house without your contribution then sadly they can’t afford the house they live in.

You don’t earn enough to do this. Your expenditures are crazy compared to your income.

I think you need to cut the in-laws and parents off (or at least drastically reduce) and then both of you can focus on career with a full time nanny!

I’m looking to buy, and it’s £1700 roughly repayment for 280k. That only buys me a 2bed flat (with my deposit making it 315 ish). South East properties, so some people aren’t even going to have big houses for that repayment. I am buying along too, it’s tough

And he can ask that?
Because that is what happened here - she paused her progress for 5 years to support him getting into teaching. Now it should be her turn to work on her career, but he doesn't want to facilitate it as was previously agreed.

That's not strictly legal though is it? Unless she's employed by him and does work for his business and is paid at the going rate, so not £30k pa for a couple of hours admin a week.

If it was that simple, everyone would be doing it.

He shouldn’t have to. They’re giving their parents a grand a month. I bet his parents would be utterly mortified if they knew they were literally blocking his promotion.

It sounds like (a) he has done well more quickly than they anticipated and (b) a promotion has come up sooner than expected. Plans can be changed by circumstances.

Mortified? They'd all be extremely ticked off if she quit work. Who voted her in as the money tree 🙄

OP, I think the responses you are getting are lead by us knowing more about his HOD career prospects, than about your options.

It sounds like HOD or nothing. If I understand it correctly, that isn't the case - it is HOD or your rise. And if your career was on a back burner for years to get him into the position where he is, there is nothing wrong about having your turn.

You can still discuss whether you can get both, maybe yes, maybe now. Just keep your career in the discussion. If he is really asking you to hold back, he should at least be brave enough to use his words and say it.

I imagine she and her bloke did. Nobody’s got a gun to their heads to set up a standing order to their parents.

Tendency to be mortified isn't evenly distributed in the population. If they are ok taking so much from a family with young children, they probably see them as totally loaded and wouldn't believe that money can possibly be tight.

I see where you're coming from but the advice is usually to try and retain some financial dependence rather than be reliant on a partner, so I think it's not unreasonable of him to want to go for a promotion

Is this just one of those "you need to live within your means" situations?

• you both choose to work part time
• you both chose to have a third child
• you both financially support two other households
• the nanny works 2x 12.5 hour days yet the toddler also goes to nursery on those days
• you both send your dc to private school

I'm seeing a lot of choice here.

Not sure where you live but you mention that you are the breadwinner (as opposed to tge main breadwinner) which I find a little off!! Since it suggests that you class your husbands salary as nothing. You also say that you earn 5 times his salary. Depending on his salary, and for ease I will say stg25k, this means you must earn around stg125k so I would say you can afford to pay for extra childcare if you need to!!!

I think YANBU, though I do see the husband's perspective.

If, hypothetically, you were to ditch him a decade from now, and he'd stayed out of the management layer until then, he might feel that it'd be too late for him to step up.

It's a similar dilemma to the one that many women face, either giving up a career altogether, or else accepting limitations to it, and throwing your lot in with a spouse.

I suppose I don't really know how ageist a profession teaching is - are big promotions commonplace in late middle age?

Tend to agree with this. You can't recapture time; sucking it up for a few years while the kids are young, and then emerging from that with him well-established as HOD and you still in a job you like, with the option to go fulltime, could really boost things for you in middle and older age. Delaying has compounded ramifications years down the line.

Can you add an au pair?

Meant with kindness, then why did you decide to have child 3?

It a bit reads like you don't super-love all that kids entail - especially the early years - and have just got a bit steadier in life, and you consciously decided to go back to a stage of life that you (as a couple) aren't massively in to.

If he's only in his third year teaching, that's very early to have a shot at HoD. You've already invested in his career, so it makes very little sense for him to miss out on this opportunity. However, if he does get this, he may need to move schools for the next promotion, and that would impact on the kids' schooling.

I'm aghast at the amount of support you are giving to your parents tbh. Why should you have to pay out for them to live beyond their means? Can't they downsize or something? What age group are we talking? Don't they have other children?

It's more usual for the parents to be subsidising their young adult children tbh; I know we are but not to that extent. What do you get out of this arrangement? Just how long is it supposed to go on for? How on earth did you ever get into it in the first place??! It seems absolutely crazy that you are essentially funding HIS parents from your salary, and his couldn't ever do it?

You are not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about all those changes and the potential impact on your nearly set up routine. You are very unreasonable to hold his career back, if it where a man posting he would be classified as controlling.
Childs grow up, a nanny or an au pair can be something to look into.

preprep and prep always very close. So i can’t see why on earth you’re doing drop off on the 4 days he’s going to work at the school

PS just to add, it's never easy with three young children. I think you will have to suck that bit up. Speaking as half of a couple who both worked full-time all our children's lives, even when a fuck ton of it was being swallowed by childcare. I was basically working for my pension for years!! I'm glad now though.

i don’t think i can recall a more “Computer says no” poster on mumsnet

I think he'd be mad to turn down the opportunity to go for HOD, as I'd think if the roles were reversed. Clearly career progression is important to him. I get that it is to you as well, but does it really have to be either/or. As others have said, if you cut down on your outgoings a bit (stop funding your parents and inlaws) then you'd have the extra cash fo a nanny. It'll be worth it long term.

Why ARE you sending so much money to both your parents and inlaws? I am really curious about this!

ILs would lose their house without our input.

they are retired?
living in a property they still have a mortgage on that they could not afford without hundred me of pounds of support

OP - they need to sell up and move.

Baffling there’s a simple solution and yet….

To be fair, some cultures do prioritize the next generation helping elders financially. We don't know the backstory.

Seems to me it would be worth it to just get through these years while accepting any promotions that come along. You'll be glad you did when you're middle-aged and want to scale back. The energy level wanes, at least IME.