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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go for promotion?

408 replies

NCforthis235 · 29/11/2023 16:13

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

OP posts:
KingsleyBorder · 30/11/2023 10:34

Supporting four other adults is an unusual situation to be in. How has that arisen? Do you pay all their food and living expenses?

ginandtonicwithlimes · 30/11/2023 10:45

YABU. He should go for the promotion if that is what he wants.

OhwhyOY · 30/11/2023 10:53

I think these things have to be agreed by both parties. If you're not happy that it's a viable option then he shouldn't be applying until you've agreed how it would work. If you had no kids fine, but it's not fair for him to just push the extra pressure onto you, whether financially or struggling to do your own job whilst doing everything for the kids. If you can afford a nanny from out of his pay bump then I'd say if it otherwise won't cause problems then accept it. If it will cause problems or his pay wouldn't cover the nanny I'd try to persuade him that he wouldn't be able to do a good job anyway at the moment because you couldn't manage the pressure alone and he'd end up having to rush or cut his responsibilities to help manage the kids. Far better to wait a couple of years until it would be easier to manage.

jodes88 · 30/11/2023 11:07

I stayed in a role while our Daughter was young because it allowed me to condense days/cost less in childcare and allowed my OH to continue being the main earner.
She is 9 now and I'm in a completely new role earning over double what I used to with great progression opportunities. Now my OH is able to persue a slightly different role which may come with a small pay cut.
I think he needs to realise his time will come but you have to make sacrifices when your children are little. They are the priority and making sure it works for your family at the time.

Italiangreyhound · 30/11/2023 11:07

Totally agree with Raincloudsonasunnyday that you should hire the nanny and both go for that careers you want.

I don't think you should hold him back, and I don't think he should hold you back if there is an option where you both get what you want.

wingingit1987 · 30/11/2023 11:08

YANBU- he needs to accept that you have stability just now and there will be enough change and extra pressure when DC3 arrives. DH and I both work and have managed to progress career wise but we have had to accept some limitations in order to keep work/life balance. You have juggled enough to support your husband.

Souvenir81 · 30/11/2023 11:21

I think he will be resentful of you if you stop him persuading his career and promotion

Angelil · 30/11/2023 11:21

Can he not take the parental leave at the rate of 1 day a week? That way it lasts ages and you still have help from him (NB don’t let him treat it as a WFH day!).

Warringstars · 30/11/2023 11:23

You wanted another baby but also to increase hours and commitment to your career after 5 years cruising… can’t say having 2 school age kids and a baby sounds like ideal time for that, plus you’ll miss all the time and nativity and sports etc midweek that you’ve enjoyed with your first two? how do you see that working out? I think it sounds like you can def afford a nanny, even if it means cutbacks in other areas, but would you and your husband be happy with the time and engagement your kids would get from you and your husband midweek, as opposed to from a nanny? That would be problematic for me, but what might swing it for me (if one of us was a teacher), is that the kids wouldn’t have to go to childcare etc during all the school holidays so might all balance out that they’re getting enough time with parents. That’s from the kids perspective, remains whether you’d be happy with that as you wouldn’t be spending all holidays with them.

I think it would be helpful if you sat down and planned in detail who would do what and when and what help you would need and how that balance works for the kids and you and your husband and your finances. And think overall how do I really want to live etc.

Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 11:27

Is it really that hard to believe that we don't have an extra £1.5kpcm to add 2 days for the nanny?

if your children attend same school as your husband

why on earth don’t they stay in after school care

my children’s prep school has after school care until 6 and the teachers that work there use it!

Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 11:29

given you have said NO to every suggestion

What are you going to do?

Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 11:31

DH is a new teacher (I thought this was obvious given he has just changed career),

and already being approached for a HOD role?

CrazyHedgehogLover · 30/11/2023 11:40

YABU, he has trained hard and clearly put a lot of effort in to getting to where he is now.. what was the point in him training if he is limited to how far he can progress 🤷‍♀️? I also agree that if this was roles reversed it would be mayhem on here! Also a lot of people throwing “LTB” out there aswell! Not to mention you supported him while training, if he doesn’t go for this it means you both wasted your time as the whole point was obviously for him to do well in his career to?

support him and both of you make it work, cut back in other places.. try and add the nanny in for an extra day, he can speak to the school to ask what flexibility may be included in the job role, both of you sit and weigh up the pros and cons and whatever cons there are see how you can overcome that and make arrangements to do so.

he will end up resenting you if he doesn’t take the opportunity, both of your careers are just as important, you do sound as though you think because you earn more that his is insignificant.. it shouldn’t be that way tbh.

Original poster
NCforthis235 · 30/11/2023 11:42

@Geneve82 I don't believe I've said NO to any suggestion. I've said we can't afford to bring the nanny on full time. Obviously, I will speak to DH. Taking on board the views I've heard here, we'll try to agree a plan that works for both of us and the kids.

OP posts:
Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 11:45

NCforthis235 · 30/11/2023 11:42

@Geneve82 I don't believe I've said NO to any suggestion. I've said we can't afford to bring the nanny on full time. Obviously, I will speak to DH. Taking on board the views I've heard here, we'll try to agree a plan that works for both of us and the kids.

which plan have you taken away that may work?

and he’s newly qualified and already being approached for HOD?

Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 11:46

is there’s y reason why your children can’t use the after school care at their prep school and arrive and leave with their father (why do you do school pick up if they’re at the same school as their father?)

Grumpystripes · 30/11/2023 11:59

Op has said that the older two children have discounted school fees because of her husband's job, so presumably they attend the school he teaches at and for continuity of the children's education he would be staying at that school until the children leave so at least a further 11 years for child #3.

On that basis, I think you should make arrangements which allow DH to take on the HOD role as he can't easily move schools to have that step up in his career for a long time.

Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 12:01

plus completely pre and after school care if he stays, which the OP doesn’t mention as a possibility

Original poster
NCforthis235 · 30/11/2023 12:04

He's in his 3rd year, with a subject specific degree in one of the (or possibly the most) sought after subject areas in teaching.

My eldest does 2 days at after school club which lasts until 4.15. There is no provision for the youngest. I don't see the kids 2 days of the week, so being able to see them before and after school the remaining days is very important to me. I do rely on DH being home in time for dinner and bedtime in order to have that.

At the moment, DH doesn't have a tutor group and he is exempted from Saturday extra curriculars because he is part time. Moving to full time (which has been clearly specified as a requirement of the HOD job) would mean he loses his time before school for admin/planning etc as well as losing his Saturday mornings. Currently, he leaves the house at 7 and gets back by 5, but has very little he needs to do on evenings and weekends aside from parents evenings (4 evenings a term), open days (once a term) etc. If he were to get the HOD job, it would be a lot more work/responsibility, a net negative financial position, and a lot more strain on me and less time with him for the kids. Contrary to what many seem to think, we have both considered our careers in terms of what's best for our family unit, not just ourselves. I expect he will do that again when we speak again about it.

In terms of taking away options that will work, the only one I can see is for me to stay in my current role and working pattern rather than looking to move within the next few years. That wouldn't be the end of the world - I like my job, earn well and have amazing levels of flexibility. It does seem a little unfair that the goalposts have been changed, and that I won't have the same support to move my career on that he has had over the last 5 years, but most people seem to think his progression is more important than mine.

OP posts:
Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 12:05

ok so what plan has been posted that you haven’t said no to - which is what you will suggest with your husband?

Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 12:07

In terms of taking away options that will work, the only one I can see is for me to stay in my current role and working pattern rather than looking to move within the next few years.

but what will practically happen when your husband will be at work when currently he isn’t in terms of childcare?

Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 12:08

He's in his 3rd year, with a subject specific degree in one of the (or possibly the most) sought after subject areas in teaching.

3 years experience in teaching - isn’t particularly recent and he wouldn’t be on a new teacher salary

Scirocco · 30/11/2023 12:09

YABU. A HOD position at his existing school isn't something that's going to be likely to come up on a regular basis. If he wants to progress his career, this is a good opportunity.

If he doesn't go for this, and is looking around in a few years' time, there's no guarantee of any suitable posts coming up in the local area, let alone in his current school, which is also the school your children get to attend with a staff discount on fees.

You may need to do some juggling of childcare but I think it would be worth it. For an ambitious and high-performing teacher, a HOD job can open doors to more senior opportunities, and the short-term inconveniences could be viewed as an investment in your husband's career progression.

Tell him to go for it!

Geneve82 · 30/11/2023 12:10

plus generally better paid in private
So the assumptions of salary around £180k were accurate

him on £30k. 4 days a week. 3 years experience. Private school. in fact that a rather conservative estimate

you on “5x” that at £180k

total income £210k

BIossomtoes · 30/11/2023 12:10

He's in his 3rd year, with a subject specific degree in one of the (or possibly the most) sought after subject areas in teaching.

All the more reason to encourage him to take it then. It’s the only opportunity he’s likely to get with his current employer. If he has to leave to go to another school that’s your subsidised school fees up the swanee, I imagine that’s not insignificant for three children.