To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

the idea that the op wonders whether they will be able to cover the cost of ONE extra day of the nanny against the increase in income due to the promotion to HOD and an extra day of work and the increased pension contribution he will receive and fact he will likely receive a bigger discount on fees as a consequence of promotion and extra day - is plain daft. and again an example of the OP’s stance of “no”

You started this thread wanting us to tell you to dig your heels in and tell dh to refuse the opportunity

when we didn’t - you have put up obstacle after obstacle

it must be bloody frustrating discussing issues with you in RL

Not sure whether anyone has mentioned this so apologies if they’ve

“Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. “

yavbu

he can’t progress in his career because you want to change jobs? That’s a big selfish in my opinion
also if he gets the role now he’ll have been there for a few years by the time the new baby is at pre school

@sugarandsweetener gosh I really seem to have rattled your cage for some reason. There are undoubtedly a lot of ways we COULD make it work. We could move the kids schools, I could go back to full time, we could move house, I could move job. But I/we don't want to do those things. We agreed a plan and now the circumstances have changed. I'll adapt to a certain degree if DH feels really strongly about it, but I'm not going to drastically reduce my own quality of life/time with the kids to facilitate his career goals. I've done that for our whole married life, he hasn't done it at all yet.

There are undoubtedly a lot of ways we COULD make it work. We could move the kids schools, I could go back to full time, we could move house, I could move job. But I/we don't want to do those things.

Literally none of these things have been suggested to you on this thread.

Re. The who is paying our respective parents. We don't have "his" money and "my" money. All money is "our" money. The contribution to my parents started when they were looking after our eldest 2 days a week - it covered food/nappies/outings etc. They could probably do without it. DH's family situation is more complicated and I don't wish to get into it. It would be up to him if he wanted to cut that money down/off.

@KingsleyBorder literally all of those things have been suggested on this thread (aside from move job, which I suggested was on my horizon in my OP).

I've done that for our whole married life, he hasn't done it at all yet.

would you say you’re happily married? Sounds like quite a bit of resentment

although i can’t see how you have drastically reduce my own quality of life/time with the kids to facilitate his career goals.

You work part time
And have been able to build a very successful career

He works part time
He has changed career, got a professional qualification, become a teacher and impressed so much that he’s being pipped for HOD already

on paper - it doesn’t look like either of you have made too much of a sacrafice in terms of career or time with the children 🤷‍♀️

So why come on here asking if you were being unreasonable to ask him NOT to go for promotion. People have given you advice as to how you could BOTH progress things while having a 3rd Baby as part of that advice, with a number of suggestions of how it could possibly be made to work.

But it does seem that you wanted everyone to say you weren't being unreasonable to ask him not to and that isn't what has happened, so now you are getting defensive. It's of course up to you whether you ask him not to, or you don't. But you are clearly coming across as being determined to have your own way - so why ask?

How much longer will you be giving £1000 a month to your parents for?

i take it today is your day off?! 😂

@sugarandsweetener I would say that having only 6 weeks off with DC2 was a pretty significant sacrifice to allow him to retrain. I'd also say that not seeing the kids at all 2 days in 7 is a pretty significant sacrifice. But maybe I have unrealistic expectations.

I don't resent him at all. Quite the opposite, I'm incredibly proud of what he's achieved and he is proud of what I've achieved. We are a team. I felt that in that dynamic it was his turn to compromise, but it seems that I'm being unreasonable.

Yes, you earn five times what he does, six figures for only an 80% week, you’re not hugely stressed at work and you have lots of flexibility. For most people that would already be living the career dream. You sound a bit greedy and also jealous of your husband’s success which may not be equal to yours financially but sounds like he is getting a lot of status and respect at a prestigious school.

@penjil I planned to continue giving my parents the contribution until they no longer have costs associated with looking after our children. DH's parents is in theory indefinite.

rather different to

I am doing fine "cruising" slightly in my job - employer is happy and I love being able to get to all the sports days/nativities etc and see a lot of the kids during the week, but I don't feel massively happy at the prospect of doing it another 5 years.

@sugarandsweetener yes, happy Thursdays!

@sugarandsweetener I don't see those statements as at all incompatible

of course you don’t! 😂

I felt that in that dynamic it was his turn to compromise, but it seems that I'm being unreasonable.

It’s not a compromise though. How often will the opportunity for promotion with his current employer come up, bearing in mind you’re going to need those discounted school fees for 18 years? Even if it did arise again in, say five years, would he be likely to be offered it, having turned it down once? If he wasn’t tied to this specific employer you might be right but that’s not the case.

YABU .... BUT I'd be firm that he has to cover at least 1/2 of any children's sick days, appointments, etc ANd he has to do his share of parental leave.

If you lose your job, your family will be financially fucked in comparison to him losing his job.

Frankly, you shouldn't be having a third child if you haven't sorted this and can't afford help.

I think you are maybe trying to 'have it all' and your expectations are maybe a little high op. I do think there's something here about being prepared to compromise in order to live within your means regardless of your income.

I think you and dh need to sit down together as a team and think about your outgoings and where you can realistically cut back in order to let you both achieve the lifestyle you both want. Neither of you are being unreasonable to want to find a good balance between childcare and career fulfillment. And I'm not sure it's that likely that HOD will come up often. If they get someone good and young enough in then it could be a long time before that comes up again in his school. So I can fully appreciate why he's wanting to take the opportunity when it comes available. Plus the added benefits you've already mentioned regarding school fees etc.

I also think you need to reconsider the help you're affording your extended family. You say you don't have his/hers money, in which case you both have equal right to revisit any of your outgoings including the amount going to your inlaws. Would you consider moving to a cheaper area or to a cheaper home or would it be feasible for your inlaws to move to somewhere more affordable so you could still help them but to a lesser degree? £700pcm is a big commitment to make.

I think together as a couple you need to decide on what your top priorities are overall, see if you're both on the same page firstly, and then put your heads together to see how you can make that workable. The alternative is maybe sitting down with a financial advisor and see if there's anything they'd suggest that would maximise your income or savings.

I do feel for you, its hard feeling you need to choose between career success and time with your children. But I do also think that you're very fortunate in that you have the opportunity for it to be a choice and truthfully I'd love to have that problem.

Gosh OP, you are unjustly getting a hard time on here. I’m shocked at some of the comments.

I find it laughable that people who have no idea about your financial circumstances are insistent about what you can or can’t afford. Unfortunately, with some posters on Mumsnet, if you dare to earn a high salary then you cannot complain about anything, ever.

You have supported your husband in retraining, financially supported his parents and have compromised so much that it’s now become the norm. Enough of being a contortionist, it’s time to have an open and realistic conversation with your husband.

You returned to work after just 6 weeks maternity leave to aid HIS career. That must have been incredibly hard, both physically and emotionally but you did it to support him, your children and both sets of parents. If your DH wants this role he needs to identify how this impacts you and the family, then look into ways he can lessen the impact/bridge the gap.

Everything cannot be on your shoulders; things that bend can also break. As the higher earner supporting everyone, no-one can afford for that to happen. Your DH needs to understand the burden and start sharing it.

@ithinkmyheadiscavingin we had sorted it out. Hence why the change in situation is throwing me so much. But no worries, I'll just wave my magic wand and go back in time and not get pregnant!

"BUT I'd be firm that he has to cover at least 1/2 of any children's sick days, appointments, etc ANd he has to do his share of parental leave.

If you lose your job, your family will be financially fucked in comparison to him losing his job."

Also this^

You need to set expectations now and make sure he's clear on what support he will be needed to provide in order to protect your job. Alternatively it's looking at other relatives who can provide this at short notice so you've got that plan made up in advance.

If you mean you 'had to earn', if only getting maternity pay/no DH income/massive outgoings, I can see the frustration to a degree, but surely he didn't just decide unilaterally he was doing it.

Was your husband doing the degree, and then you had your first child? You must have spoke about it, and were well aware of the situation when you both decided to have the second child. It seems cruel to keep saying how much you've sacrificed, but this must have been worked out beforehand?

Personally, I dont think anyone should be expected to make career sacrifices due to having children. In a partnership, you should support and assist each other in career goals and find a way to make it work. If a parent chooses to put their career on hold that’s fair enough. But it should always be a choice.