DH’s Anonymous Message…

[AnonymousMessage]

DH has received a text message accusing him of flirting with/messaging their wife. Something in the message indicates that they definitely do vaguely know DH and myself.

They refuse to say who they are, and say that DH knows who they are but DH says he hasn’t a clue what this message is, what it’s about or who it’s from.

I’ve searched the phone number and can’t seem to find anything to suggest who it belong to.

I don’t think DH would cheat on me. However things have been a tough the past year with the birth of our first child.

Any idea where I can go from here to uncover who this message is from, and get to the bottom of it?

Not really sure what to think at the moment.

I'd try this.
Ask for specific information.

There is no point your husband ringing the number because the other person will recognise it and not answer. YOU need to ring the number from a different phone, perhaps even put 141 at the beginning so it is anonymous.

@AnonymousMessage as someone who has been very aggressively accused of flirting with someone in the past, I understand how this could be just a misunderstanding!…
The husband might just be an over jealous insecure bloke who saw your husband talking to his wife, his wife might be feeling trapped and alone in a abusive marriage and read too much into the chat… she might of said to her husband ‘oh it was only harmless’ and the husband just seems that as ‘harmless flirting’…..

I would simply block the number and move on… book a babysitter and go out on a date night somewhen and forget the text!
Or if you found it threatening report it to police On 101.

But like I say some women/men can take just a look as flirting, your husband might have just chatted briefly and that was seen as flirting… I was always accused of flirting in my younger days and seriously wasn’t. My bosses wife threatened to knock me out at a Christmas so once because I was apparently flirting With him…. I was dancing with him along with all the other young girls from work…. Non of us fancied him…. Quite the opposite in-fact… he was old enough to be my dad and.. well there doesn’t require an and, he was ancient in our eyes and I literally had to tell his wife I was not flirting, just dancing with everyone, I was no more flirting with him than I was the girls and other staff - we were all dancing together! Plus at the time I had a very hot royal marine boyfriend…. I felt sorry for her actually, it’s hard to feel insecure and have lots of 18/19 year old girls around your 40+ husband! But I never found him creepy or unprofessional.

I disagree. I’d rather know from an anonymous source that I was being betrayed than remain in ignorance because someone doesn’t want the drama of outing that betrayal. If a revelation that reveals your partner’s untrustworthiness instead makes you doubt your whole circle—-I’d suggest it’s a psychological issue with you, and an ‘I’d rather not know’ complex.

I’m absolutely gobsmacked by the amount of people here who would rather not know that their husband is cheating than hear it from an anonymous source. Absolutely crazy.

I think if you know by being told by a third party, you need to address it, it’s harder to turn a blind eye. And if it’s from an anonymous source then you’re left wondering which one of your family or friends told you. Who knows, and do they all then know you’re ignoring it.

its an odd contradiction on here, if someone is cheating it’s tell her, even if anonymous, tell her, she deserves to know, and when someone does tell, it’s always don’t believe it or just ignore it.

either way though. This person didn’t tell the op. He warnedfhe husband off.

Perhaps you could take that as a sign that not everyone thinks like you think and wants what you want, and that it's therefore a dangerous game to decide what's best for other people.

Everyone I know who has been cheated on by a spouse wishes that they had been told sooner, or had it exposed by any means so they didn’t waste more of their life/risk their health/sanity. So I’m taking it mumsnet not representative of the reality of cheated-on spouses.

We know there are plenty of social structures in place that facilitate men’s bad behaviour. Telling a cheated on spouse can bring all kinds of negative consequences for the teller - but it’s seen as ok to let the cheated on person continue to be betrayed and abused rather than let them know? Weird.

This was in response to the lady who said 4 letters about her cheater ruined her life - as in the finding out ruined her life, rather than the cheater! I’d see an anon note letting me know as a loving act, rather than one of spite and humiliation…but clearly am in the minority!

Anonymous notes are inherently cowardly spiteful. The recipient has no way of following up and is left in complete limbo and uncertainty.

If you feel something is important enough to say, say it with your name.

I've never received an anonymous note but would probably just treat one like spam. I wouldn't take it seriously and I would delete it.

I think if you send them a WhatsApp and they read it, their name/pic then becomes visible. Worked with me this week.

typical gaslighting response.

So someone receives an anonymous message that their dh is cheating, it may or may not be true. If it’s not true then all they have to do is think that the anonymous sender is just a malicious twat. But if it is true then not only do they have to face the fact their dh is cheating, but they’re also left wondering which of their friends and family knew. Were they all discussing it, who decided to send the anonymous message. And that’s something they’ll never know.

And you actually have the nerve to say that if being sent an anonymous message causes doubt about their circle then they’re the one with psychological problems?

Straight out of the gaslighter’s handbook.

@Katbum

That was me.
And until its happened to you, you have no idea how much it upsets you to receive anonymous letters.
At no point in my post did I say the letters outweighed finding out that I was married to a cheating bastard.
It took me years to find out the truth, years of walking around my home town, trying to socialise with friends, going to work and not knowing which of these people obviously knew a lot more about my husbands behaviour than I did. It made it very hard to trust. I felt like a fool.
But you carry on telling me that I have psychological issues if it makes you feel better.

I hope it never happens to you and you never understand. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

For the kind of person who sends these anonymous messages, I guess that's kind of the point - it doesn't matter if it's true or not, because the message itself can do almost as much damage to a healthy relationship as the discovery of cheating can do in an unhealthy one.

In this case, the most likely explanation is that there's a jealous asshole husband out there whose blood pressure goes through the roof when he sees that his wife has had any interaction with a man, and is determined to put a stop to it wherever possible.

I’m sorry that happened to you. But would you really rather not have known? This is why these men feel able to do this stuff. Sometimes the person telling has no option but to do it anonymously - for their physical safety, for their job, so as not to implode their own social relations because of someone else’s bad choices. I would hazard that the trauma of being cheated on would have impacted you similarly (as in ‘who knew? Why didn’t they tell me? am I a fool?’ Regardless of how you found out).

I don’t think that’s true. Unhealthy relationships are built on a foundation of toxicity that exists regardless of if you know about the lies or not. Healthy relationships are built on reciprocity and trust which can withstand unfounded allegations.

I'm unsure if you're being deliberately provocative or just not reading the posts properly so I will explain it more clearly to you.
Had I been informed by an actual person, I would have been able to ask them more information about it, if they had any proof, who it was with, when it was happening. This would have given the information I needed to make a decision on my future.
I received a one line cut out message placed in an envelope and sent to my home address, 4 times in a 12 month period. Was it even true? I didn't know. I wasn't prepared to throw my whole life in the air and leave my DH on the basis of an anonymous letter.

Doing it anonymously is not an act of virtue or self protection, its a cruel, nasty and weak way of meddling in another person's life.

Of course it's better to know if you're being cheated on, I have never disputed that. It's the way in which it is done that I have an issue with.

Based on your husband's response my guess would be there is nothing in this.
I'm not sure why someone who clearly knows you would do this.
However, I did once have a boyfriend who accused me of flirting with other men just for saying hello or talking in a friendly way. So, I wonder if thats possible? IE its a man whose girlfriend knows your husband in a friendly way and he is jealous or blowing things out of proportion?

The fact your husband called the number with you present, particularly, would make me think he has no idea what this is about.

@TossieFleacake I'm sorry that happened to you. Anonymous letter-writers really are snide, devious, shit-stirring types and they do so much harm.

My thoughts exactly. He would have to be a god-tier bullshit artist to be confident of dealing with whatever's on the other end in the moment, and OP gives the very opposite impression of him.

It's the indication that they know you that's the problem. Whoever it is may be in your close circle they don't want to hurt you and has used a friend's phone so you won't have the number. Was he honest about receiving this message has he told you himself? What's your gut telling you it can happen to anyone especially during rough times. Me personally I'd want to see DH phone you can't ignore this. You need to check deleted files. Telegram and files Instagram Facebook what's app. Snapchat is an indicator the messages instantly delete. In respect of the phone number if you have an android you have to add the number to your phone contacts before you can see it on what's app. Personally I would have to know because why would anyone message someone saying that especially when he's not giving a name he's trying to keep you away from the damage by the sound of it xx

Agree op and ask to see screenshots of the messages x

Just read a bit more on the earlier posts your husband showed you the message and tried to call the number.. seems he's probably not up to anything then though it's crazy how far they will go to prove innocence I know because my ex husband got away with so many lies I was with him from being a teenager until mid 30s when I found out so much and it was well hidden so I struggle to trust now and I'd be wary. Though this person could be either a scam why anyone would is beyond me or someone that has it in for your DH or someone close. Maybe try adding the number on a friend phone x

I'd use one of those online services to look up a phone number in reverse, and find out who owns the number.