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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my partner should attend birth?

137 replies

Allthatglittersisntart · 29/11/2023 11:42

My DP doesn’t want to be in the room for birth as he thinks this puts men off women physically and he doesn't want to witness the pain. He is not from a western culture and back home only
women have anything to do with birth. However, he is the only person I want in the room.

I suppose a risk is that he could have a seizure, which he occasionally gets and seem to be triggered by stress/anger/strong emotion but he does seem to be able to control/predict to an extent(never had one during interview , exam, gym for example).

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2023 11:47

Would he be much use to you if he was there? Doesn’t sound like it. Is there anyone else you know would provide proper support? It’s a shame he’s a raging misogynist but that’s presumably not news to you. I’d see who you could have with you instead so you’re not worrying about him making it all about himself.

doesn't want to witness the pain

Does he think witnessing it is even remotely comparable to experiencing it? Is he the type to think baby care like changing nappies is women’s work? You may have many battles ahead if so.

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/11/2023 11:48

He doesn’t sound as though he’s going to be of much help or use, however much you want him there or think he should want to be there. Do you have a female relative who could be more supportive?

ManateeFair · 29/11/2023 11:49

I think he should be there if you really want him there. He doesn't have to watch from the business end; he can sit next to you and hold your hand.

The seizure thing is a worry though. Witnessing childbirth is really not like being in an exam. It's a whole different level of stress and emotion!

FWIW my dad passed out when my sister was born.

Jellycats4life · 29/11/2023 11:49

He’s worried he won’t want to shag you after watching you in labour? Nice guy.

BabyMoonPie · 29/11/2023 11:52

I'm not sure whether I'm more disgusted by the fact he's going to find you unattractive having watched you birth his child or that he doesn't want to see the pain you have to endure in doing so. I hope he's a better father than he is a husband because that's pathetic.

mindutopia · 29/11/2023 11:54

I mean I think if it's important that he is there at a pivotal point in your relationship and your child's life to support you and welcome them - and he doesn't agree, it does sort of raise questions about how compatible you are (and what else in parenting he might wish to 'opt out of' for 'cultural reasons'). But I think you are perhaps beyond that point now.

I would say that for you, it's important he is there to support you and to be apart of your child's life. Whatever cultural norms he may have grown up with, you live here and you have chosen to raise your child together here, and he needs to push beyond any person worries and be there for you. Birth is actually very different in my home country than in the UK and compared to the sort of birth I (chose) to have. I planned my child's birth around what I thought was best in the context I was living in here in the UK and what was right for dh and I.

I do not doubt its rubbish to watch someone in labour. I'd rather do it than observe it, if I can be honest. So I understand some worries he might have. Is there someone he could talk to? I had a friend whose dh had a blood phobia. I think he did actually pass out during the birth, but the midwives were made aware in advance and frankly, what better place to have a minor medical episode because he was surrounded by medics! I don't think either of them wish he hadn't been there. In the end, he came round and was fine and was there when his ds was born.

DuploTrain · 29/11/2023 11:58

You’re about to go through what could be one of the most difficult experiences of your life and he doesn’t fancy supporting you through it… doesn’t paint him in a great light.

If I was feeling charitable I’d think maybe he doesn’t understand what it might entail. Maybe explain that he’ll be holding your hand and looking at your face… he doesn’t need to actually watch the baby coming out…

Get him to do some research about what labour actually involves and how the birth partner can support.

Hillarious · 29/11/2023 12:00

I think watching me in pain and bleeding following a postpartum haemorrhage had a longer lasting effect on DH mentally than it did on me either mentally or physically.

OP's partner's "non-western" attitude may be up for discussion, but I'd be worried about triggering a seizure, as mentioned by the OP.

Being present at the birth isn't for everyone's partner. My dad wasn't at my birth. He was at a football match instead.

Everydayimhuffling · 29/11/2023 12:04

Hmmm. I'm glad that DP was at the births of our DC, but I do think he was a lot more affected than I was long term (mentally, not physically obviously!). I would ask him to do some research and talk to men who were at their children's births if possible. I would also think about a back up plan for yourself.

PhotographTheLights · 29/11/2023 12:06

Funny he has such old fashioned views but is ok with sex outside of marriage. What a Prince!

CMOTDibbler · 29/11/2023 12:07

FWIW, my dh wasn't sure he wanted to be at the birth of our son for lots of reasons. As I didn't have anyone else to be a birth partner I booked a doula and it worked out really well as that enabled him to be there without any pressure and gave him some support too (esp after the birth when ds was whisked to NICU and I was bleeding a lot). He stayed the whole time in the end, and he's always been an amazing support and a very equal father

Rosiiee · 29/11/2023 12:08

Oh OP i recently found out my dad wasn’t in the room when my sister and I were born. When I asked why he said ‘it’s a woman thing’. Like what?!? I was soooo shocked! And that was only 30 years ago so some men are just ‘traditional’- not that I agree with it!!

Edited to add: my dad is from Europe so not a different culture at all!

WasRobbed · 29/11/2023 12:09

Tell him the delivery isn’t all about him.

His ‘rationale’ is gross.

I would struggle to get past this.

Daphnis156 · 29/11/2023 12:13

It wasn't that long ago that men or any sort of partner just did not witness the birth.
If they don't want to, it might be better not force the issue.

Nicole1111 · 29/11/2023 12:17

I think he’s right. If he comes in he would have to stop prioritising his dick and future sex life over his partner and unborn child. Seems unreasonable to expect him to support you with one of the most important days of your life to me.
On a serious note though if it was for any other reason (such as the seizures) i’d probably be a lot more accepting, but he didn’t lead with that did he …..

SOBplus · 29/11/2023 12:17

Our hospital gave strong warnings about what will be experienced as just before our child's birth a dad fainted in the delivery room hitting his head and died - extreme and remote possibility but you should consider his ability to cope. At least he is open about his weaknesses and strengths?

Rosiiee · 29/11/2023 12:19

@SOBplus oh my god! That’s so unbelievably sad!! That poor family 😞

flowerygloves · 29/11/2023 12:20

I think no one should be forced to attend a birth unless it is their job or they are the birther.

SirenSays · 29/11/2023 12:52

he thinks this puts men off women physically.
What a horrible attitude, I wouldn't want him there or near me ever again.

Original poster
Allthatglittersisntart · 29/11/2023 12:53

My Dad was there was but my sibling’s father wasn’t (a decade before)

OP posts:
ColleenDonaghy · 29/11/2023 12:56

@AnneLovesGilbert has it nailed. Look out for yourself and make sure you have enough support. And have some very frank discussions now about your expectations for each other as parents.

pinkyredrose · 29/11/2023 12:56

PhotographTheLights · 29/11/2023 12:06

Funny he has such old fashioned views but is ok with sex outside of marriage. What a Prince!

So what?

pinkyredrose · 29/11/2023 12:59

He's being honest Op, don't force him to be there if he doesn’t want to. Or if he does go maybe he could stay at the head end not the business end?

Mummymummy89 · 29/11/2023 13:09

I would be so, so disappointed in my dh if he came up with something like this. I'd lose all respect.

Tbf my dh was there throughout my traumatic labour, birth and pph/sepsis after the birth. He only finally left when they kicked him out of the postnatal ward (covid times) - I've always said, the midwives took shifts (of course) but my dh was there for all the shifts. He didn't sleep and barely ate for three days (as neither did I). I needed him there.

So bollocks is it a woman thing.

Men have endured and witnessed way worse in war-time than simply assisting at his wife's birth ffs.

You tell him, op. It's at times like this that a man's courage and manliness get tested and if he chickens out, he (and you) will forever remember he was found wanting. How could he look at himself in the mirror for the rest of his life, honestly.

Everydayisanewday · 29/11/2023 13:20

My husband was at the first and as a result not at the second. I was fine with it. Had no one else and midwife was great.
I honestly think the couple need to agree jointly. A lot of pressure is put on the dad by society.

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