To think that my partner should attend birth?

[Allthatglittersisntart]

My DP doesn’t want to be in the room for birth as he thinks this puts men off women physically and he doesn't want to witness the pain. He is not from a western culture and back home only
women have anything to do with birth. However, he is the only person I want in the room.

I suppose a risk is that he could have a seizure, which he occasionally gets and seem to be triggered by stress/anger/strong emotion but he does seem to be able to control/predict to an extent(never had one during interview , exam, gym for example).

I find the attractiveness remark offensive, however I don’t think a partner should be forced or shamed into attending a birth. When i was born dads were not allowed into the labour room even if they wanted to be there. Closest they got was a waiting room. Then it became acceptable, moving to welcoming the father in if both of them wanted that to happen. Great. Now it’s mandatory regardless of the feelings of either party. Not great. My partner is extremely squeamish, and I don’t think he wanted to be there, but felt pressured by everyone’s expectations. He said afterward the whole thing had been horrifying to the point it intruded into his thoughts for a while. Your partner’s reasons are shit but no-one should be mandated to attend.

Yes but no guarantee they would get there on time as every-one a county away.

He's got to want to be there .

No I am bad at cleaning and vegetarian so he ends up doing more/cooking for himself but this is very difficult for him! He has had to come to terms with the fact I will not be a housewife.

Wow he sounds like an absolute catch.

he ends up doing more/cooking for himself but this is very difficult for him!
Is he also cooking for you? Or is he going to when the baby is here? Or does he just sort himself out?

Honestly? I don't know think this is the moment to make a stand against his appalling attitudes. Have you got a mother or an aunt or a sister who would support you? A best friend? Can you afford a doula? Or-more to the point-can he afford a doula for you?

Tell him to be honest you don't want to be there for the birth either.

Someone came into the room when I was being induced and cheerfully announced that I couldn't have any food because I was on the drip, but would my partner like a nice chicken and stuffing sandwich. I'm sure he would have but one look at my face and he politely declined.

Well, I suppose your response could be on the lines of, 'If you don't come, I doubt I shall continue to find you attractive either.'

He should be there for you because that’s what partners do! They are there for each other and support each other and it sounds like he isn’t prepared to support you.

Why? Why should you both go hungry as long as it wasn't eaten in front of you.

I'd say let him stay away. I promise you that a stressed partner in the room whilst you give birth is really not fun. It can become all about him.

Just tell him to stay at the top end. It can be distressing. My husband nearly fàinted. But I did feel safer with him there..you need your partner to advocate for you if necessary.

Might be the unpopular opinion here. But i kicked dh out. 1st one he missed as hospital sent him home saying I would be hours. I was 20 minutes. 2nd I kicked him our for pushing as I actually found him annoying. He wasn't doing anything. I didn't want to.be touched or helped so him just breathing made me angry lol. 3rd and 4th he had to look after the others.

It really depends on what you want and if its going to makes things easier or harder for you.

God such a bloody low bar for men.

Is it SO much to ask they turn up and don’t make it about themsleves, and just have that few hours that’s about making their partner feel safe?!

We really expect so little of men

@YorkshirePuddingBelongs I agree but I also think men a re quite useless in this area and women would be far more supported with women around them.

Why on earth are nurses pandering to fathers getting them coffee.. I got bugger all when I had my babies. They looked most put out when I asked if there was any dinner left and I missed it by 20 minutes as i was pushing.

@flowerygloves it would have been eaten in front of me. Along with the crisps, chocolates, tracker bars and all the other snacks he scoffed in front of me while we were there. He's a human dustbin 😂

But it doesn’t take a lot not to be useless 1 just STFU, don’t play on your phone and ask what women need.

One of my best friends is a midwife - she gets absolutely sick of colleagues pandering to useless men, and then a few minutes later having a go at women for wanting pain relief or similar.

When I had DC2 I as being transferred to postnatal when the food was out, so I was last to go get some - some fucking bloke had taken what should have been my food. Staff do fuck all because they don’t want abuse. That’s when I discharged myself against medical advice. No way was I going hungry after giving birth. Some men behave appallingly and the women who cowtow them want to have a word with themselves

What a prize catch he is. Cooks for himself, does he? Amazing.

Hm. On one hand, I think having men around for delivery is kind of overrated. I was fairly oblivious to mine being there tbh.

On the other hand, what if his culture says women should do all night wakings, nappy changes etc? You need to compromise and work it out. In your culture, men come to deliveries and you want him there.

A compromise might be him being with you for early labour but stepping out for the grisliest bits. It's often a long time before you go into hospital (25 hours not unusual for first time birth) - what's he going to do, leave you alone with a taxi number?

Wow what a man... honestly I'd struggle to ever fancy him again. Fucker.

I'd be well pissed off at the not finding you physically attractive after remark Op. It's easy for a man to ignore how much a woman has to go through in pregnancy and birth if he gets whisked away at the first labour pain and turns up once the babies here. I'm afraid I'd be telling him I'd gone off him already if the only thing he cares about is his sex life

My DP doesn’t want to be in the room for birth as he thinks this puts men off women physically and he doesn't want to witness the pain.

Have you pointed out that you don't want to feel the pain, but you don't get the choice?

@YorkshirePuddingBelongs I did similar. 1st I left a few hours after giving birth as they didn't have space in post natal and didn't even give me clean sheets in the delivery room. Had to remove them all myself. Also again didn't really get any food.

2nd I had to stay the night as he was born late afternoon and I had been induced. Again no food. Until breakfast. Asked for paracetamol and they put on my file asked for more drugs. Even though I had nothing during birth not even gas and air so I wasn't happy it was made to sound like I.was begging for drugs!

3rd was a home birth and was amazing.

4th induced, I discharged myself at 1am as I couldn't cope with next doors husband banging into my curtains and their constant flow of visitors. No one would say anything to him and they wanted my curtain open at all times. I didn't want to breastfeed infront of the 5 other men there nor did I want to keep getting up to open and close the curtains.