To think that my partner should attend birth?

[Allthatglittersisntart]

My DP doesn’t want to be in the room for birth as he thinks this puts men off women physically and he doesn't want to witness the pain. He is not from a western culture and back home only
women have anything to do with birth. However, he is the only person I want in the room.

I suppose a risk is that he could have a seizure, which he occasionally gets and seem to be triggered by stress/anger/strong emotion but he does seem to be able to control/predict to an extent(never had one during interview , exam, gym for example).

I never understand these disagreements.

By line 2 in some threads, you can guess the OP’s partner is not from a ‘Western culture’, yet OP is surprised he has certain attitudes.

There are men and women who think this is a ‘woman thing’. It may go against sensibilities, but it’s who he is. He may be a good father once the baby is here, but it doesn’t mean he wants to watch the birth and I don’t know that it’s worth forcing him to.

If you hadn’t noticed you had different views on these things before, now is the time to discuss your expectations going forward and hope for a good outcome.

And this is the man you chose to procreate with?

How pathetic and his reasoning that he may not find you attractive afterward is frankly insulting. Shame you don’t get to choose not to be there and be the one actually suffering the pain. I hope you have some good support.

He may be a good father once the baby is here, but it doesn’t mean he wants to watch the birth and I don’t know that it’s worth forcing him to.

He’s not there to “watch” though. It’s not a spectator sport… he’s there to support. And he should be prioritising OP’s needs above his own comfort in this situation.

My DH had to have a broken and dislocated finger popped back in and wanted me to come with him… I wasn’t there “to have an experience”, I was there to support him. I didn’t say, no I don’t think I’ll enjoy it so I won’t.

Personally I’d be concerned about what else he considers “women’s things”… changing nappies, getting up in the night, taking poorly children to the doctors, I could go on..

The not finding you attractive thing is ridiculous, and I’d also be concerned about his expectations of finding you attractive post-birth. He knows you possibly won’t fancy having sex for a while after doesn’t he?

First he was there for the labour however I ended up in theatre due to assisted birth/potential csection so I was on my own.

2nd he waited outside the room and 3rd I sent him home with our other two children. I much preferred being on my own as he can't cope seeing me like that and he would've been absolutely useless.

It has to be an agreed choice though. Could he at least be there whilst your labour?

I'm astonished by these responses honestly- I've usually found mumsnet to be quite tough on the menz. But in this thread we seem to require far far less of fathers than mothers.

A pp said no one should be forced to assist at a birth - ok, I wouldn't have "forced" my husband but I'd have lost all respect and tbh he'd probably no longer be my husband, if he simply wrung his hands and suggested I get a woman to help me in his place.

As for suggesting he "stay at the head end"... give me strength. Can op "stay at the head end" and dissociate from the bottom half of her body?! And no, I don't mean have an epidural - op's dp won't feel any pain anyway.

Having a baby is messy and painful and often dangerous. If op's dp willingly partook in the conception, he should bloody well help out with the rest of it.

And if this is "society putting pressure on fathers" as per a pp - well, fine. They shouldn't be so spineless as to need any pressure exerted.

Tbh, I thought my DP's support was negligible during labour. I was focused on my midwife and doctor. They were the ones I was listening to and who got it (complicated labours). My DP, an introvert, mostly sat in the corner unsure what to do with himself, giving me the odd glass of water and back rub. I would 100% have preferred a more proactive female family member to have been there. So, it wouldn't have bothered me, personally.

My DH had to have a broken and dislocated finger popped back in and wanted me to come with him… I wasn’t there “to have an experience”, I was there to support him. I didn’t say, no I don’t think I’ll enjoy it so I won’t

Hear, hear, @DuploTrain . I have had to do similar when dh had a leg injury a few years back. And short term I had to help him with intimate care like washing himself. He would absolutely do the same sort of thing for me, and did, when I was recovering from my c section.

That's what spouses do.

Why are expectations so low of men, honestly!

Hmm lots of comments calling the man out for being “pathetic” etc but this is the culture he comes from and what he will have been socialised with his whole life.

its extremely problematic to present our (western / European etc) cultural norms as the overall definitive “normal”.

that aside, you need to find a place you are both comfortable with. Perhaps he is there for you in the lead up and just sees how it goes. Or maybe you have to find another birthing partner totally or one who will swap in when you get towards pushing stage.

this is just one of the cultural differences and you’ll both have to compromise, hopefully you both can!

Lots of cultures think like this, but they also tend to be cultures where men’s and women’s roles are very divided. Are you ok with this OP? I guess too late now if you’re not, as you’re about to have a baby with someone who I’m willing to bet will also never get up in the night, change nappies or look after a sick child as it’s ‘women’s work.’ Out of interest, do you do all the cooking and cleaning too?

Hmm lots of comments calling the man out for being “pathetic” etc but this is the culture he comes from and what he will have been socialised with his whole life.

It's no secret that some cultures or subcultures are more misogynistic than others. And here in the UK, it used to be a less equal society even 40-50y ago. It's ok to call that out.

But I bet even in op's dp's culture, whichever that is, there are men who are less cowardly and useless than -op's dp- others.

Im sure many men don’t want to be there but they go to support their partner if she wants them to. I do find it pathetic. I hate hospitals and seeing my family in pain but if they ever want me there to hold their hand I go and I do what they need because that’s what decent people do. I wouldn’t just say ‘no, sorry I can’t come even though you’re scared and need some emotional support, I’m worried about my own feelings.’ That is pathetic.

I think it only became 'the thing' in the early '70s, if you watch old films fathers sat downstairs or paced the corridor smoking copious cigarettes, the idea of 'birthing partners' and, even worse, having your mother and others there was not common in hospitals.

But it is the norm, why is it problematic?

I don't blame him. It's an unpleasant, undignified and disgusting experience.

Poor little lamb

I don’t care what you culture is, you can’t make big life decisions then skip the messy parts. If a woman wants her partner there he’s a selfish prick for saying no. Makes me wonder how they will cope with parenting

It's just so maddening that men have the choice not to be there but the woman has no choice about experiencing it. And since it's him that got her into that mess, it's just ultra-maddening that he can casually opt out!

However, births are difficult to witness, with all the blood and pain, not to mention the distinct possibility of pooing yourself. On some level, I understand the desire not to be there. Maybe he's trying to preserve some of the mystery and attraction between you?

I can see it both ways.

However, I do think that many men are a bit useless in the delivery room. They don't know what they're doing and can do more harm than good. I'd rather rely on the professionals who do actually get it. In your shoes, OP, I'd probably get a doula and look at the silver lining, which is that you won't have to manage HIS reactions and worry about HIM while you're labouring. Good luck!

I'd be extremely unimpressed with that attitude. However, the mere fact that he thinks that, whether he's being a twat or not, may mean he's not going to be a useful birth partner.

he doesn't wanna be there. I think you should respect that. And as someone who has given birth with and without partner present, I can assure you having the partner there is totally overrated. If you don't feel comfortable with a midwife alone, could you as a friend or family member to come along instead?

I didn't want my husband in the delivery room for any of ours - my ante natal class were horrified by this! They thought I was mad/evil/selfish etc etc. My reasoning was simple - he thought 'encouragement' was 'go on girl you do it. go on get over the line' sort of thing. He wasn't a calm person and became very exaggerated in any situation he didn't feel confident in. When the time came, he was there and I suppose tried his best (once he had scoffed his breakfast -warm milk on Shredded Wheat is not pleasant when in labour 🤢 - and several tuna sandwiches 🤢🤢but I found the midwives and HCAs way more supportive and helpful and clung onto their hands rather than his!

Well a couple I know, he is in traffic police in my country. He sees decapitated and mangled bodies from road traffic accidents quite often. Doesn´t bat an eyelid. But he had to concentrate and hold on to a bar so as to will himself out of fainting when his daughter was being born. It is not the same thing at all.

What a twat

He's missing out on the opportunity to share a truly life-defining experience with you. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to be part of that. He's also breaking what I consider to be a golden rule as a father-to-be which is to do whatever the hell she wants because nothing we might be asked to do can ever compare to what she is going through.

As to being put off you physically, well he won't know if he is too afraid to be there but from my perspective being at my childrens' births only made me see their mother as stronger and more beautiful than I already thought she was. I don't buy the different culture argument either. Some cultural differences can be significant but how many times in his life has childbirth personally been a matter of concern for him? He's just being a wuss.

The only thing I remember about my husband's presence was how enraged I was when the midwife offered the cunt a coffee.

I'm still fucked off about that!